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CONTENTS
TO THE FIRST VOLUME.
CHAPTER I.
I begin a life without similitude with a simile-Start
off with four horses-and, finally, I make my first
appearance on any stage under the protection of the
Crown." . Page 13
CHAPTER II.
I am decidedly an incumbrance-Begin life with half
a dozen fruitless journeys-Find a home and a fos-
ter-father-and talk learnedly of triangles and
Archbishops.
CHAPTER III.
17
My foster-father forsakes the right line of conduct
chalked out for him-I grow ill-Find Pot-luck and
Baptism-Go to Bath, and take my first lessons in
the arts of Persuasion.
CHAPTER IV.
21
My proximity to the clergy impels me to preach-I
advocate the vulgar; and prove that neither the
humble nor the low, are necessarily the debased-
consequently this chapter need not be read.
CHAPTER V.
24
I receive my first lessons in pugnacity-and imbibe
the evil spirit-Learn to read by intuition, and to
fight by practice-Go to school to a soldier-Am
a good boy, and get whipped.
CHAPTER VI.
28
This chapter showeth, in a methodical manner, how
to find a faith and lose all religion; also, to procure
a Call for persons of all manner of callings.
CHAPTER VII.
31
I too have my call to death's door-A great rise in
life-Brandon allows neither slugs nor sluggards in
his sawpit-Is ruined, and beats the reverend Mr.
Cate.
CHAPTER VIII.
35
Another migration-from the ruralities of Cut-throat
Lane to the groves of Academus-I am forced into
good clothes, and the paths of learning, in spite of
my teeth, though I use them spitefully.
CHAPTER IX.
37
I prove to be, not one in a thousand, but one in a
quarter of that number, to whom no quarter was
shown-In spite of my entreaties I am evil entreated,
and not only placed on the lowest form, but made
excessively uncomfortable on my seat of honour. 41.
CHAPTER X.
I grow egotistical, and being pleased with myself,
give good advice-A visit; and a strange jumble
of tirades, tears, tutors, tenderness, and a tea-
kettle.
CHAPTER XI.
45
Containeth a lecture on love from a personification of
loveliness and showeth that superstition has its
sweets as well as its horrors-and also how to avoid
he infection of the evil eye.
CHAPTER XII.
52
Ralph lectureth on divinity and little boys' nether gar-
ments-Despondeth exceedingly-and being the
weakest goeth to the wall, and there findeth conso-
lation—Ăn old friend with an old face, and excel-
lent provent.
CHAPTER XIII.
56
Pray remember the fifth of November-Rumours of
wars preceded by scholastic elocution, and suc-
ceeded by a cold dinner, darkness, and determina-
tion.
CHAPTER XIV.
60
Hard words the precursors of hard blows-A turn-up
to be apprehended, but not merely of polysyllables
-Ralph commences raving-Root resisting-The
latter gets the whip-hand of us.
CHAPTER XV.
64
Much excellent, and consequently useless, diplomacy
displayed-A truce, and many heads broken-the
battle rages; and, at length, the pueriles achieve
the victory.
68
CHAPTER XVI.
An affecting appeal that effects nothing-The rebels
commence their rejoicings-They are suddenly
damped-The firemen defeat the fire-boys by
means of water-The victors are vanquished, who
shortly find themselves covered with disgrace and
the bed-clothes.
73
CHAPTER XVII.
Is full of moral and religious disquisition, therefore it
behoveth the general reader, to look at and pass
it by with that inattention that readers generally
have for morality and religion.
CHAPTER XVIII.
76
Ralph receives an infusion of patriotism-Is himself
drilled and drills a touch-hole-He turns out a
monstrous big liar-Somebody comes to see him
whom nobody can see, and the mystery ends in
another.
CHAPTER XIX.
82
A chapter of disappointments, which Ralph hopes the
reader will not share- -Some comparisons which he
hopes will not be found odious, and some reflections
which he thinks cannot be resented.
CHAPTER XX.
88
Ralph groweth egregiously modest, and boasteth im-
moderately, until he is beaten by one with one foot