ESSAYS ON CRANIOSCOPY, CRANIOLOGY, PHRENOLOGY, &c.* CHAP. I. Counsel for the Prosecution. I have no fear but you'll give verdict, "Guilty." Look at that bump, my Lord, upon his head; As almost every individual in this ancient city who can read has lately had an opportunity of judging of the infallibility of the doctrine which measures the powers of our minds by the bumps upon our skulls, from the accurate examination of the head of the unfortunate individual who lately forfeited his life to the laws of his country, by one so eminently qualified to form an accurate opinion on the subject, I trust I shall be pardoned for dedicating a few pages to a theme which I have been compelled to hear illustrated in every company. There seems now little doubt, from the learned publications of our own countrymen, that every prevalent bent of mind or brain (for brain without mind is a very useless article indeed) developes itself by a corresponding increase of the bony case which is supposed to contain the thinking ap Justiciary Records for the year 1996. paratus, and that an examination of the head of any one by those in the secret, is sure to detect the prevailing character of the individual, from the external swellings or bumps upon his skull. This is the system of those renowned discoverers Drs Gall and Spurzheim, and of their illustrators in this country; and any one who takes the trouble to examine it by the test of experiment, will soon find that this hypothesis of human action is admirably calculated for the subsequent improvement of our species. My chief objection to it is, that it does not go far enough, and that in the thirtythree great divisions in the map of the osscous covering of the centre of nervous energy, room has not been found for thirty-three divisions more. For instance, we know that there are dull, and very stupid, and even insane people in the world; yet there is no organ Cranioscopy means the inspection of the cranium, and Craniology, a discourse on the cranium. Phrenology is derived from the Greek noun Ogivas, mind, or rather perhaps from gari, mentis delirium; the same root from which our common English word phrensy takes its rise, and which signifies, according to Dr Johnson, on the authority of Milton, madness, frantickness. The Scottish writers on this subject, with the characteristic good sense of their countrymen, prefer the appropriate term phrenology to the less significant terms employed by the cranial philosophers of the south, or the fathers of skull science on the Continent. Phrenitis, in the nosological systems of Sauvages and Cullen, I need scarcely remark, is a cognate word. K VOL. X. of stupidity, or bump of dulness,-no so well known to medical men from rise or depression to designate the sane the intolerable headachs which arise from the insane,-the_crack-brained from repletion and indigestion, also theorist from the cool investigator. well deserves the notice of some great Now, that there must, in some skulls man, capable of working up the idea at least, be tremendous bumps of folly into a system. The facts which have and gullibility, (gullibilitiveness, I be- come under my own notice, have long lieve, should be the word,) the writ- impressed me with the belief, that ings of Spurzheim and his followers there is more mind in the belly than afford abundant and most melancholy most people are aware of. There is no proof. saying what effect even diet may have on the production of genius; and it would be premature, in the present state of our knowledge on this point, to offer any conjectures as to the share which breakfast, dinner, and supper may have had in the elicitation of works, hitherto attributed to the head alone. Another very profound theory of human action and human motive, has been lately propounded by the celebrated Dr Edward Clyster; and though the system of the Doctor has been prevented from being sufficiently known by the mean jealousies and envy of professional rivalship, and the prevailing celebrity of phrenology, it certainly deserves to be made better known. The Doctor's theory is, that the prevailing mental character of the individual may be traced with equal certainty on another extremity of the human body; and that in point of practical experiment, more instances can be cited in favour of his hypothesis, than that of Drs Gall and Spurzheim. From the Doctor's repeated examination of the bottoms of nearly eight hundred boys, while usher of the Grammar School of Kittlehearty, and from facts communicated to him by the four masters of the High School of Gutterborough, he concludes with confidence, that the indications of the hemispheres of the one termination, are at least of equal importance with the indications of the other. He mentions with an air of triumph the results of the application of the birch (taws, Scotticé,) to this part, and the well known effects of the operation in stimulating the intellectual powers, as matter of everyday observation, and as affording reason to believe that the bottom is more intimately connected with the mind than preceding investigators have supposed.+ The intimate connection which subsists between the stomach and the brain, Without entering into the merits of these rival hypotheses, or of the more probable one of Lavater, that the prevailing habits of thought give a characteristic tone to the whole physiognomy, I may be permitted to state, that the production of genius is a much more philosophical subject of inquiry than the indications of it, or the want of them in a person already formed, and where the utmost that can be expected from the knowledge is, some minute regulations for checking or improving what can only be checked or improved to a very limited extent. These indications, then, of the hitherto barren theory of Drs Gall, Spurzheim, and Company, I now purpose to turn to some practical account. It is a well-known fact, that the human cranium may be moulded, in early infancy, into any conceivable shape, from the elastic nature of the bones of which it is formed. Every medical practitioner, from Hippocrates and Celsus down to Abraham Posset the apothecary, is aware of this fact; and it is equally well ascertained, that several tribes of savages take their distinctive mark from the form of the skull. It is fashionable among one tribe, for instance, to wear their brain in a case shaped like a sugar-loaf, while others + Dr Spurzheim, from the circumstance of Sterne being represented in all his portraits with his head leaning on his hand, and his finger on a particular place of his forehead, concludes that the organ of wit must occupy that identical spot; and Dr Clyster, from the late Dr Webster, the founder of that excellent institution, the Widows' Fund of the Scottish Clergy, having his hands in his breeches-pockets when he brought forward the measure in the General Assembly, and always one hand in that position when he spoke on the subject, considers it as demonstrated, that the organ of Benevolence and Philanthropy must be confined to that neighbourhood. So nearly balanced are the two theories. prefer to have their terminating prominence moulded in imitation of a cocoanut. And I have little doubt, when the interior of the African continent is better known, that nations will be found with their craniums compressed into forms still more unaccountable.* The mere mention of these undoubted facts, when coupled with the knowledge of the functions of the brain derived from the writings of Gall, Spurzheim, and their British disciples, must awaken, in the minds of philosophic observers, ideas of the perfectibility of the human race, and the concentration and expansion of the powers of the human mind, which may make the golden age of the old world, or the Millenium of the present, an event within the reach of ordinary life, and perfectly practicable in the next generation. I know the envy generally attached to the promulgator of a new discovery; and I should not have dared, did a court of inquisition exist in this country, perhaps even to hint at the generalization of facts collected by the great men who have gone before me in the road of discovery. But if the scheme I have now to propose be taken up by Parliament in their next session, I pledge myself, (the principles of Gall and Spurzheim retaining their infallibility,) gradually to lessen by its means the annual amount of crime in this country, and in the course of thirty years, the common term for a generation of human beings, to banish it entirely from Great Britain. As it is of considerable importance, however, and as it may prevent the honour of my discovery from being appropriated by others, and save a world of literary controversy about priority of ideas, I beg to mention, that the idea came into my organ of inventiveness on the twenty-fifth of July, one thousand, eight hundred, and twenty-one, ten minutes after eleven o'clock at night, and that it entered into my very marked organ of benevolence in less than three minutes after. As all the circumstances which lead to any very notable discovery are of service in tracing the filiation of ideas, I may further remark, that it was after a careful perusal of the Phrenological Notices regarding Haggart's head, attached to the end of that murderer's narrative, and the very satisfactory illustration of that almost prophetic art, which can, by manipulation, typify a thrice-condemned convict as a remarkable culprit, before he is actually hanged! My supper this evening consisted of a plate of strawberries, (very small ones,) and about the eighth part of an ounce, by estimation, of Scottish Parmasan, viz. ewe-milk cheese.-Thus much for the ascertainment of my discovery, which, I have little doubt, will add a few leaves more to the already flourishing laurel which already encircles the head of Sir Tobias Tickletobæus, Baronet. + As all the organs of thought and volition are as distinctly laid down in the cranial map of Gall and Spurzheim as the position of the Isle of May, or the Bell Rock, in the charts of the coast of Scotland, and as I have already demonstrated the practicability of compressing the cranial bones, at an early age, into any conceivable form,-nothing more is required, to give a new and definite direction to the thoughts and feelings of the next generation, than to mould the infant head to a given form, by the simple application of an unyielding metal head-dress, formed so as only to permit the developement of the required organs. These metal caps might be moulded from the heads of those whose ruling passions were most strongly marked; and, continuing them of the same form, they might be made of increasing sizes, so as to suit every shade of growth, from puling infancy to the full grown man. If the elevation of the skull, at a certain part, be occasioned by the developement of a particular organ situated under it, (and this has been clearly demonstrated by Dr Spurzheim, and his Scottish disciples,) there can be nothing more easy in nature, or in the The relation which Shakespeare puts into the mouth of Othello, of " men whose heads do grow beneath their shoulders," may turn out to be a veritable fact. Othello, it will be observed, was a native of Africa. My German commentators generally quote me by my Christian name Tobias; but the Dutch translators always denominate me as above. I mention this, because it has, in more than one instance, occurred that I have been confounded with "my uncle Toby," and I wish as long as possible to preserve my personal identity. brass and iron manufactures, than to furnish metal caps, which, by repressing the growth of the injurious, and encouraging the expansion of the good affections, would inevitably make all the future generations of Britons to think and act alike for the common welfare, For instance, were the Protestant succession wished to be secured to the descendants of the present reigning family, let the royal infants be provided, from their births, with iron caps, with a large vacancy for amativeness and philoprogenitiveness, in which these organs might shoot up to the utmost luxuriance; and if the organs of benevolence and righteousness, (why not benevolentiveness and righteousiveness, Messrs Gall and Spurzheim?) were thought necessary in sovereigns, their growth might be encouraged at the expence of other organs of less public value,-as selfloveativeness and covetiveness.* Repressing the disposition to furtiveness and secretiveness in the next generation, the cause of one class of crimes would be instantly done away. Allow not the organs of destructiveness and combativeness to expand their boy covering, and war and ruin will be banished from the land. When the means of subsistence become too scanty for the existing population, let the organs of amativeness and philoprogenitiveness have no room for display in the headdresses of the young, and the next generation will live and die in hopeless virginity and unregarded celibacy. The organ of public approbation might make all the gentlemen in the public offices, now so handsomely paid for their trouble, think themselves fully requited for their services by a vote of thanks,were this organ to be exclusively encouraged in the children of the present incumbents. A strict attention to the organ of righteousness, might sweep away at once all the expensive establishments of courts, judges, and lawyers; and the due production of the organs of veneration and benevolence, might save our successors, in less than thirty years, the expence of churches, and the payment of tithes. And were other nations not to adopt the great discovery now promulgated, and it were necessary to have a standing army kept up, one or two hundred thousand children, with steel caps which should allow only the organs of combativeness and destructiveness to enlarge in their infant craniums, would place the country in perfect safety from the danger of foreign invasion; while a due proportion of the organ of determinativeness in our peasantry and mechanics, might make our subjugation a matter of absolute impossibi lity. In short, the thirty-three divisions into which the skull is arranged, and the thirty-three propensities corresponding to these divisions, may be so modified, by adopting metal cases for the covering of the heads of the young, as to produce any quantity of talent required. The Parliament have only to pass an act, ordering a sufficient number of these skull-moulds to be made, of various sizes, for the use of every parish; and to make it felony, without benefit of clergy, for the next generation to be without them, at least till the wished-for organs have sufficiently displayed themselves. Of the effects of this discovery upon the future fate of the world, nobody who possesses one bump out of the thirty-three can allow himself to doubt. The extravagance of one sovereign, might easily be made up in the penuriousness of his successor; and indeed the measure, by a little care on the part of the parish officers, might make the least wise of the next generation equal to Newton or Bacon; and the least eloquent not inferior to Cicero or Demosthenes. In fact, the world might be made, in less than a century, to advance further in intellectual and moral improvement, than it has done for the last five thousand years. Wars, and the ravages of war, might be made for ever to cease; and the multiplied and varied generations of mankind, might, without rivalry, walk their round upon the stage of life, free from the irritations of passion, and from every stain of moral turpitude which could either embitter their wanderings in time, or lessen their hopes of immortality. Then should we have professors of anatomy and butchers (to use a common me This is printed costiveness, by mistake I presume, in the second edition of Dr Spurzheim's book. See Dr Hamilton's work on Purgative Medicines, for the allevia. tion of this troublesome coinplaint; and the Doctor himself for its permanent cure.. taphorical expression,) born with the knife in their teeth; lecturers on every branch of science calculated to acquire the necessary information from their cradles; or, what perhaps would be still better, the metal caps might be constructed so as to allow no faculty to expand beyond the mediocrity of hopeless dulness, or absolute stupidity; and then the money now expended in the education of the young, in cultivating faculties unmarked, perhaps unexisting, in the bony covering of the cogitative pulp, might be applied to more hopeful and necessary purposes. CHAPTER II. I hae a theory lying in saut, Lad, gin ye lo'e me, tell me true; I hae a strong notion ye've mony waur faut Than the thing that the Carles are to try ye for now. I hae a theory wantin' a leg, Lad, gin ye lo'e me, tell me now; There's mair in the shell than inside o' the egg, Speak out, for I canna ilk day come to you. Old Song. Phren. I'll tell you what you are, my honest friend, (On secrecy from me you may depend,) You don't love women-hate the thoughts of wine? Now, tell me truly-Do I right divine? Mur. No, Sir!-You're wrong for once. I loved the fair- Seduction was my forte; and, as for wine, Little of that delicious drink was mine; But when well on with good plain Highland whisky, I was too sly to blab, or even seem frisky. Phren. You had no wish to kill, but to escape? Mur. Why, there you're right, sir; but, when in a scrape, Dialogue between a Phrenologist and a Murderer. Having, in the preceding chapter, laid the basis of my great discovery before the public, I now proceed to some of the minor details. The great matter at the first commencement of the plan would be, to provide accurate models As our respectable correspondent, Sir Toby Tickletoby, has omitted to insert a motto for this chapter, perhaps from not having carried his library with him to the Moors, we have taken the liberty to prefix two,-one from a well-known old song-the other from a manuscript of "Haggart's Life, done into English verse, by an Eminent Hand," which has been sent us for publication. To ascertain the fidelity of this paraphrase, we were at the trouble of comparing it with the original published narrative, and now subjoin the parallel passages. Phre." The present communication is entirely confidential, and will not be abused. David Haggart is therefore requested to be open, and completely candid in his remarks. P. 159. "You would not be the slave of sexual passion, nor greatly given to drink.”— P. 167. Hag. "You have mistaken me in this point of sexual passion; for it was my greatest failing that I had a great inclination to the fair sex; not, however, of those called prosfiutes; for I never could bear the thought of a whore, although I was the means of leading away and betraying the innocence of young women, and then leaving them to the freedom of their own will. I believe that I was master of that art more than any other that I followed. "A little spirits were always necessary, although I could abstain from them at pleasure, according as it suited the company I was in. When in drink I was very quiet, and would think twice before I spoke once."-Pp. 167, 168. Phren. "You would never be cruel or brutal; and you would never inflict serious suffering upon any individual without bitterly regretting it ?”—P. 167. |