When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse

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Penguin, Mar 1, 2005 - Self-Help - 384 pages
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Written by a therapist who specializes in abusive men, this guide reveals how abusers interact with and manipulate children—and how mothers can help their children recover from the trauma of witnessing abuse.

Can my partner abuse me and still be a good parent? Should I stay with my partner for my children's sake? How should I talk to my children about the abuse and help them heal? Am I a bad mother?

Mothers in physically or emotionally abusive relationships ask themselves these questions every day. Whether it’s physical or “just” emotional abuse, whether it’s aimed at them or you, whether they see or hear it, your kids need you.

This book, the first ever of its kind, shows mothers how to:

• Protect children and help them heal emotionally
• Provide love, support, and positive role models, even in the midst of abuse
• Increase their chances of winning custody
• Help their kids feel good about themselves

“A must-read for every mother who has been abused...it offers the knowledge women need to protect their children and help them heal.”—William S. Pollack, Ph.D., author of the national bestseller Real Boys

From the Trade Paperback edition.

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When dad hurts mom: helping your children heal the wounds of witnessing abuse

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Blaming the victim is a common injustice in the handling of domestic-violence situations. Women are often chastised for staying in an abusive relationship even though their decision-making process is ... Read full review

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Firstly and foremost, the answer is without a single doubt, 100% NO. NO, a man or woman that treats the other half of whom is responsible for their children's DNA, like their property is not and will not be a good parent. You can't sit around and wait for the good to arrive while your children are constantly being force fed negative life lessons and even worse vibes that may or may not be openly available for you to consider the ultimate damage being done. Get the first option that doesn't include that person in their lives or someone like them and cash it in. I'm a male who is in the beginning stages of picking up the broken pieces of a woman and two children and trying to build something on a foundation based on love, honesty and respect instead of fear, lies and intimidating jealousy. It's not an easy thing for anyone involved to do. I should write a book about all the wonderful men out there who are taken for granted and made to look like disposable morons who are there to simply take orders from the all too competent and perfect female, we are made to believe is true in today's media, commercials and movies. It takes two and I think men and women have equally important roles in developing children into good men and women.
-Chris Whitner
[Marietta, OK.]


Grace and Matthew
Breanna and Adam
Alexandra andGreg
Wanda and Leif
He considers the children the womans domain of iiresponsibility but his domain of authority
What Can I Do?
Undermining of Your Parenting After Separation
The Children as Weapons PostSeparation
How Bad Will My ExPartner Become PostSeparation?
Could His Parenting Improve?
The Role of the New Wife or Girlf riend
What Can I Do?

The Importance of Your Leadership
What Good Parenting Requires
Neglect and Irresponsibility
Undermining of the Mother
Wanting Children and You to Be Just Like Him
Believing He Knows It All
How can I tell whether he is going to abuse my children?
What Can I Do?
Key Concepts in Childrens Experiences
When Secrecy Is Imposed
Behavioral Effects
Emotional Effects
Effects on Learning and Cognition
Effects on Childrens Beliefs and Values
Childrens Feelings Toward the Abusive Man
Childrens Resilience
What Can I Do?
Abuse Is a Boundary Problem
Back to Tom
Boundary Violations Usually Start Small
Boys Can Be at Risk Too
What Can I Do?
How Abuse Undermines Your Authority
Interfering with Your Parenting
Why Does He Want to Damage My Relationships with My Children?
What Can I Do?
Use of the Children as Weapons
How and Why Abusive Men Sow Divisions
Will He Succeed in Driving Us All Apart?
What Can I Do?
Facing Hard Questions About the Future
The Pros and Cons of Your Children Leaving Your Abusive Partner
How Child Protective Systems Work
Proper Child Protective Services for Abused Mothers
Common Errors in Child Protective Responses to Abused Women
Misconceptions About the Family Courts
How Family Courts Handle Domestic Abuse Allegations
When You Have Concerns About Child Sexual Abuse
Should I Involve Child Protective Services?
Negotiating with an Abuser
What Can I Do?
Where Does Healing Come From?
Seeking Professional Assistance
When Children Dont Remember What Happened
Teaching Critical Thinking
Childrens Coping and Positive Resistance
Safety Planning with Children
Some Closing Thoughts
Expand Your Knowledge Base
Educate Your Community
Challenge Myths That Leave Children Vulnerable
Make a Difference to Children You Know
Support Your Local Program for Abused Women
Put Pressure on Media Outlets
Support Family Court Reform
The Role of Professionals
Create an AbuseFree World
General Resources for Abused Women
For Teenagers and Their Parents
For Lesbians
For Immigrant and Refugee Women
Books to Read with Children
Divorce and Separation Issues
Child Custody Divorce and Child Support
Child Sexual Abuse
Parenting Issues
Child Protective Services Issues
For Women Involved with Law Enforcement Officers
Abusive Men
For Those Assisting Abused Women
Educational Advocacy
Mentors and Male Allies

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About the author (2005)

Lundy Bancroft has over twenty-five years of experience in the fields of abuse, trauma, and recovery. He has published five books, including the bestseller Why Does He Do That?, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?, When Dad Hurts Mom, The Batterer as Parent, and Should I Stay of Should I Go?. Lundy has worked with over 1000 abusive men in his counseling groups. He has also served extensively as a custody evaluator, child abuse investigator, and expert witness, and has presented to 350 audiences across the U.S. and abroad.

From the Trade Paperback edition.

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