He first found fault with Cooper for not having | dear sir, only look at the gesture! how horrible! do made himself as black as a negro; for," said he, you not observe that the actor slaps his forehead, whereas, the passion not having arrived at the proper height, he should only have slapped his-pocket-flap? this figure of rhetoric is a most important stage trick, and the proper management of it is what peculiarly distinguishes the great actor from the mere plodding mechanical buffoon. Different degrees of passion require different slaps, which we critics have reduced to a perfect manual, improving upon the principle adopted by Frederic of Prussia, by deciding that an actor, like a soldier, is a mere machine; as thus-the actor, for a minor burst of passion merely slaps his pocket-hole; good!—for a major burst, he slaps his breast;-very good!—but for a burst maximus, he whacks away at his forehead, like a brave fellow;-this is excellent !-nothing can be finer than an exit slapping the forehead from one end of the stage to the other." Except," replied I, "one of those slaps on the breast, which I have sometimes admired in some of our fat heroes and heroines, which make their whole body shake and quiver like a pyramid of jelly."

wished to marry. It was, moreover, an indication of us, that the beautiful Ninny Consequa, one of the the violent inclination she felt to wear the breeches, ladies of the emperor's seraglio, once fainted away which was afterwards, in all probability, gratified, on seeing a favourite slave's nose bleed; since which if we may judge from the title of "our captain's time refinement has been carried to such a pitch, captain," given her by Cassio, a phrase which, in that a buskined hero is not allowed to run himself my opinion, indicates that Othello was, at that time, | through the body in the face of the audience.—The most ignominiously hen-pecked. I believe my argu- immortal Chow-Chow, in conformity to this absurd ments staggered Snivers himself, for he looked con- prejudice, whenever he plays the part of Othello, foundedly queer, and said not another word on the which is reckoned his master-piece, always keeps a subject. bold front, stabs himself slily behind, and is dead before any body suspects that he has given the mortal blow.

A little while after, at it he went again on another tack; and began to find fault with Cooper's manner of dying "it was not natural," he said, for it had lately been demonstrated, by a learned doctor of P. S. Just as this was going to press, I was inphysic, that when a man is mortally stabbed, he formed by Evergreen that Othello had not been perought to take a flying leap of at least five feet, and formed here the Lord knows when; no matter, I am drop down "dead as a salmon in a fishmonger's not the first that has criticised a play without seeing basket."-Whenever a man, in the predicament it, and this critique will answer for the last performabove mentioned, departed from this fundamental ance, if that was a dozen years ago.

No. VII.-SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1807.

KELI KHAN,

TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI.

rule, by falling flat down, like a log, and rolling about for two or three minutes, making speeches all the time, the said learned doctor maintained that it was owing to the waywardness of the human mind, which delighted in flying in the face of nature, and dying in defiance of all her established rules.—I replied, "for my part, I held that every man had a right of dying in whatever position he pleased; and LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB that the mode of doing it depended altogether on the peculiar character of the person going to die. A Persian could not die in peace unless he had his face TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER turned to the east ;-a Mahometan would always choose to have his towards Mecca; a Frenchman might prefer this mode of throwing a somerset; but Mynheer Van Brumblebottom, the Roscius of Rotterdam, always chose to thunder down on his seat of honour whenever he received a mortal wound.-Being a man of ponderous dimensions, this had a most electrifying effect, for the whole theatre "shook like Olympus at the nod of Jove." The Philadelphian was immediately inspired with a pun, and swore that Mynheer must be great in a dying scene, since he knew how to make the most of his latter end.

I PROMISED in a former letter, good Asem, that I would furnish thee with a few hints respecting the nature of the government by which I am held in durance.-Though my inquiries for that purpose have been industrious, yet I am not perfectly satisfied with their results; for thou mayest easily imagine that the vision of a captive is overshadowed by the mists of illusion and prejudice, and the horizon of his speculations must be limited indeed. I find that the people of this country are strangely at a loss to determine the nature and proper character of their It is the inveterate cry of stage critics, that an government. Even their dervises are extremely in actor does not perform the character naturally, if, by the dark as to this particular, and are continually inchance, he happens not to die exactly as they would dulging in the most preposterous disquisitions on the have him. I think the exhibition of a play at Pekin subject: some have insisted that it savours of an would suit them exactly; and I wish, with all my aristocracy; others maintain that it is a pure democheart, they would go there and see one: nature is racy; and a third set of theorists declare absolutely there imitated with the most scrupulous exactness in that it is nothing more nor less than a mobocracy. every trifling particular. Here an unhappy lady or The latter, I must confess, though still wide in error, gentleman, who happens unluckily to be poisoned or have come nearest to the truth. You of course must stabbed, is left on the stage to writhe and groan, understand the meaning of these different words, as and make faces at the audience, until the poet they are derived from the ancient Greek language, pleases they should die; while the honest folks of and bespeak loudly the verbal poverty of these poor the dramatis personæ, bless their hearts! all crowd infidels, who cannot utter a learned phrase without round and yield most potent assistance, by crying laying the dead languages under contribution. A and lamenting most vociferously! the audience, ten- man, my dear Asem, who talks good sense in his der souls, pull out their white pocket handkerchiefs, native tongue, is held in tolerable estimation in this wipe their eyes, blow their noses, and swear it is country; but a fool, who clothes his feeble ideas in a natural as life, while the poor actor is left to die foreign or antique garb, is bowed down to as a literwithout common Christian comfort. In China, onary prodigy. While I conversed with these people the contrary, the first thing they do is to run for the doctor and tchoouc, or notary. The audience are entertained throughout the fifth act with a learned consultation of physicians, and if the patient must Although the dervises differ widely in the pardie, he does it secundum artem, and always is al- ticulars above mentioned, yet they all agree in termlowed time to make his will. The celebrated Chow- ing their government one of the most pacific in the Chow was the completest hand I ever saw at killing known world. I cannot help pitying their ignorance, himself; he always carried under his robe a bladder and smiling, at times, to see into what ridiculous erof bull's blood, which, when he gave the mortal stab, rors those nations will wander who are unenlightspirted out, to the infinite delight of the audience.ened by the precepts of Mahomet, our divine prophet, Not that the ladies of China are more fond of the and uninstructed by the five hundred and forty-nine sight of blood than those of our own country; on the books of wisdom of the immortal Ibrahim Hassan al contrary, they are remarkably sensitive in this par- Fusti. To call this nation pacific! most preposterticular; and we are told by the great Linkum Fidelious! it reminds me of the title assumed by the sheck

in plain English, I was but little attended to; but the moment I prosed away in Greek, every one looked up to me with veneration as an oracle.

of that murderous tribe of wild Arabs, that desolate | since with the barbarians of the British islands. The the valleys of Belsaden, who styles himself STAR OF colour, however, is again rising into favour, as the COURTESY-BEAM OF THE MERCY-SEAT! ladies have transferred it to their heads from the The simple truth of the matter is, that these peo- bashaw's body. The true reason, I am told, is, ple are totally ignorant of their own true character; that the bashaw absolutely refuses to believe in the for, according to the best of my observation, they deluge, and in the story of Balaam's ass ;—mainare the most warlike, and, I must say, the most sav-taining that this animal was never yet permitted to age nation that I have as yet discovered among all talk except in a genuine logocracy; where, it is true, the barbarians. They are not only at war, in their his voice may often be heard, and is listened to with own way, with almost every nation on earth, but reverence, as "the voice of the sovereign people." they are at the same time engaged in the most com- Nay, so far did he carry his obstinacy, that he absoplicated knot of civil wars that ever infested any lutely invited a professed antediluvian from the Gallic poor unhappy country on which ALLA has de- empire, who illuminated the whole country with his nounced his malediction! principles and his nose. This was enough to set the nation in a blaze;-every slang-whanger resorted to his tongue or his pen; and for seven years have they carried on a most inhuman war, in which volumes of words have been expended, oceans of ink have been shed; nor has any mercy been shown to age, sex, or condition. Every day have these slangwhangers made furious attacks on each other, and upon their respective adherents: discharging their heavy artillery, consisting of large sheets, loaded with scoundrel! villain! liar! rascal! numskull! nincompoop! dunderhead! wiseacre! blockhead! jackass! and I do swear, by my beard, though I know thou wilt scarcely credit me, that in some of these skirmishes the grand bashaw himself has been wofully pelted! yea, most ignominiously pelted !—and yet have these talking desperadoes escaped without the bastinado!

To let thee at once into a secret, which is unknown to these people themselves, their government is a pure unadulterated LOGOCRACY, or government of words. The whole nation does every thing viva voce, or by word of mouth; and in this manner is one of the most military nations in existence. Every man who has what is here called the gift of the gab, that is, a plentiful stock of verbosity, becomes a soldier outright; and is for ever in a militant state. The country is entirely defended vi et lingua; that is to say, by force of tongues. The account which I lately wrote to our friend, the snorer, respecting the immense army of six hundred men, makes nothing against this observation; that formidable body being kept up, as I have already observed, only to amuse their fair country-women by their splendid appearance and nodding plumes; and are, by way of distinction, denominated the "defenders of the fair."

In a logocracy thou well knowest there is little or no occasion for fire-arms, or any such destructive weapons. Every offensive or defensive measure is enforced by wordy battle, and paper war; he who has the longest tongue or readiest quill, is sure to gain the victory,-will carry horror, abuse, and ink-shed into the very trenches of the enemy; and, without mercy or remorse, put men, women, and children to the point of the-pen!

Every now and then a slang-whanger, who has a longer head, or rather a longer tongue than the rest, will elevate his piece and discharge a shot quite across the ocean, levelled at the head of the emperor of France, the king of England, or, wouldst though believe it, oh! Asem, even at his sublime highness the bashaw of Tripoli! these long pieces are loaded with single ball, or langrage, as tyrant! usurper! robber! tyger! monster! and thou mayest well suppose they occasion great distress and dismay in the camps of the enemy, and are marvellously annoying to the crowned heads at which they are directed. The slang-whanger, though perhaps the mere champion of a village, having fired off his shot, struts about with great self-congratulation, chuckling at the prodigious bustle he must have occasioned, and seems to ask of every stranger, "well, sir, what do they think of me in Europe?" This is sufficient to show you the manner in which these bloody, or rather windy fellows fight; it is the only mode allowable in a logocracy or government of words. I would also observe that their civil wars have a thousand ramifications.

There is still preserved in this country some remains of that gothic spirit of knight-errantry, which so much annoyed the faithful in the middle ages of the hegira. Ás, notwithstanding their martial disposition, they are a people much given to commerce and agriculture, and must, necessarily, at certain seasons be engaged in these employments, they have accommodated themselves by appointing knights, or constant warriors, incessant brawlers, similar to those who, in former ages, swore eternal enmity to the followers of our divine prophet.-These knights, denominated editors or SLANG-WHANGERS, are appointed in every town, village, and district, to carry on both foreign and internal warfare, and may be While the fury of the battle rages in the metropsaid to keep up a constant firing "in words." Oh, olis, every little town and village has a distinct my friend, could you but witness the enormities broil, growing like excrescences out of the grand sometimes committed by these tremendous slang-national altercation, or rather agitating within it, like whangers, your very turban would rise with horror those complicated pieces of mechanism where there and astonishment. I have seen them extend their is a "wheel within a wheel." ravages even into the kitchens of their opponents, and annihilate the very cook with a blast; and I do assure thee, I beheld one of these warriors attack a most venerable bashaw, and at one stroke of his pen lay him open from the waistband of his breeches to his chin!

There has been a civil war carrying on with great violence for some time past, in consequence of a conspiracy, among the higher classes, to dethrone his highness the present bashaw, and place another in his stead. I was mistaken when I formerly asserted to thee that this dissatisfaction arose from his wearing red breeches. It is true the nation have long held that colour in great detestation, in consequence of a dispute they had some twenty years

But in nothing is the verbose nature of this gov

NOTE, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. *The sage Mustapha, when he wrote the above paragraph, had probally in his eye the following anecdote; related either by Linkum Fidelius, or Josephus Millerius, vulgarly called Joe Miller, of facetious memory:

The captain of a slave-vessel, on his first landing on the coast of Guinea, observed, under a palm-tree, a negro chief, sitting most majestically on a stump; while two women, with worde spoons, were administering his favourite pottage of boiled ice; which, as his imperial majesty was a little greedy, would part of it escape the place of destination and run down his chin. The watchful attendants were particularly careful to intercept these scapegrace particles, and return them to their proper port of entry. the captain approached, in order to admire this curious exhibition of royalty, the great chief clapped his hands to his sides, and saluted his visitor with the following pompous question, “well, sir! what do they say of me in England?"

As

ernment more evident, than in its grand national government. In case of any domestic grievance, divan, or congress, where the laws are framed: this or an insult from a foreign foe, the people are all is a blustering, windy assembly, where every thing in a buzz;-town-meetings are immediately held is carried by noise, tumult and debate; for thou must where the quidnuncs of the city repair, each like know, that the members of this assembly do not an atlas, with the cares of the whole nation upon meet together to find wisdom in the multitude of his shoulders, each resolutely bent upon saving his counsellors, but to wrangle, call each other hard country, and each swelling and strutting like a names, and hear themselves talk. When the con- turkey-cock; puffed up with words, and wind, and gress opens, the bashaw first sends them a long nonsense. After bustling, and buzzing, and bawlmessage, i. e., a huge mass of words-vox et preterea ing for some time; and after each man has shown nihil, all meaning nothing; because it only tells them himself to be indubitably the greatest personage what they perfectly know already. Then the whole in the meeting, they pass a string of resolutions, assembly are thrown into a ferment, and have a long i. e. words, which were previously prepared for the talk about the quantity of words that are to be re- purpose; these resolutions are whimsically denomiturned in answer to this message; and here arises nated the sense of the meeting, and are sent off many disputes about the correction and alteration for the instruction of the reigning bashaw, who reof "if so be's," and "how so ever's." A month, ceives them graciously, puts them into his red perhaps, is spent in thus determining the precise breeches pocket, forgets to read them-and so the number of words the answer shall contain; and then matter ends. another, most probably, in concluding whether it shall be carried to the bashaw on foot, on horseback, or in coaches. Having settled this weighty matter, they next fall to work upon the message itself, and hold as much chattering over it as so many magpies over an addled egg. This done they divide the message into small portions, and deliver them into the hands of little juntoes of talkers, called committees: these juntoes have each a world of talking about their respective paragraphs, and return the results to the grand divan, which forthwith falls to and retalks the matter over more earnestly than ever. Now, after all, it is an even chance that the subject of this prodigious arguing, quarrelling, and talking, is an affair of no importance, and ends entirely in smoke. May it not then be said, the whole nation have been talk-ness of America-utters a speech. Are the free ing to no purpose? The people, in fact, seem to be somewhat conscious of this propensity to talk, by which they are characterized, and have a favourite proverb on the subject, viz.: “all talk and no cider;" this is particularly applied when their congress, or assembly of all the sage chatterers of the nation, have chattered through a whole session, in a time of great peril and momentous event, and have done nothing but exhibit the length of their tongues and the emptiness of their heads. This has been the case more than once, my friend; and to let thee into a secret, I have been told in confidence, that there have been absolutely several old women smuggled into congress from different parts of the empire; who, having once got on the breeches, as thou mayest well imagine, have taken the lead in debate, and overwhelmed the whole assembly with their garrulity; for my part, as times go, Í do not see why old women should not be as eligible to public councils as old men who possess their dispositions;-they certainly are eminently possessed of the qualifications requisite to govern in a logocracy.

Nothing, as I have repeatedly insisted, can be done in this country without talking; but they take so long to talk over a measure, that by the time they have determined upon adopting it, the period has elapsed which was proper for carrying it into effect. Unhappy nation!—thus torn to pieces by intestine talks! never, I fear, will it be restored to tranquillity and silence. Words are but breath; breath is but air; and air put into motion is nothing but wind. This vast empire, therefore, may be compared to nothing more nor less than a mighty windmill, and the orators, and the chatterers, and the slang-whangers, are the breezes that put it in motion; unluckily, however, they are apt to blow different ways, and their blasts counteracting each other-the mill is perplexed, the wheels stand still, the grist is unground, and the miller and his family starved.

Every thing partakes of the windy nature of the

As to his highness, the present bashaw, who is at the very top of the logocracy, never was a dignitary better qualified for his station. He is a man of superlative ventosity, and comparable to nothing but a huge bladder of wind. He talks of vanquishing all opposition by the force of reason and philosophy: throws his gauntlet at all the nations of the earth, and defies them to meet him—on the field of argument !—is the national dignity insulted, a case in which his highness of Tripoli would immediately call forth his forces;-the bashaw of America-utters a speech. Does a foreign invader molest the commerce in the very mouth of the harbours; an insult which would induce his highness of Tripoli to order out his fleets;-his highcitizens of America dragged from on board the vessels of their country, and forcibly detained in the war ships of another power-his highness-utters a speech. Is a peaceable citizen killed by the marauders of a foreign power, on the very shores of his country-his highness utters a speech.— Does an alarming insurrection break out in a distant part of the empire—his highness utters a speech!-nay, more, for here he shows his "energies; "--he most intrepidly despatches a courier on horseback and orders him to ride one hundred and twenty miles a day, with a most formidable army of proclamations, i. e. a collection of words, packed up in his saddle bags. He is instructed to show no favour nor affection; but to charge the thickest ranks of the enemy; and to speechify and batter by words the conspiracy and the conspirators out of existence. Heavens, my friend, what a deal of blustering is here! it reminds me of a dunghill cock in a farm-yard, who, having accidentally in his scratchings found a worm, immediately begins a most vociferous cackling;-calls around him his hen-hearted companions, who run chattering from all quarters to gobble up the poor little worm that happened to turn under his eye. Oh, Asem! Asem! on what a prodigious great scale is every thing in this country!

Thus, then, I conclude my observations. The infidel nations have each a separate characteristic trait, by which they may be distinguished from each other:-the Spaniards, for instance, may be said to sleep upon every affair of importance;-the Italians to fiddle upon every thing;-the French to dance upon every thing;-the Germans to smoke upon every thing;-the British islanders to eat upon every thing;--and the windy subjects of the American logocracy to talk upon every thing.

For ever thine,

MUSTAPHA.

With flimsy farce, a comedy miscall'd,

FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, Garnish'd with vulgar cant, and proverbs bald,

ESQ.

How oft in musing mood my heart recalls,
From grey-beard father Time's oblivious halls,
The modes and maxims of my early day,
Long in those dark recesses stow'd away:
Drags once more to the cheerful realms of light
Those buckram fashions, long since lost in night,
And makes, like Endor's witch, once more to rise
My grogram grandames to my raptured eyes!

Shades of my fathers! in your pasteboard skirts,
Your broidered waistcoats and your plaited shirts,
Your formal bag-wigs-wide-extended cuffs,
Your five-inch chitterlings and nine-inch ruffs!
Gods! how ye strut, at times, in all your state,
Amid the visions of my thoughtful pate!
I see ye move the solemn minuet o'er,
The modest foot scarce rising from the floor;
No thundering rigadoon with boisterous prance,
No pigeon-wing disturb your contre-danse.
But silent as the gentle Lethe's tide,
Adown the festive maze ye peaceful glide!

Still in my mental eye each dame appears—
Each modest beauty of departed years;
Close by mamma I see her stately march
Or sit, in all the majesty of starch;—

When for the dance a stranger seeks her hand,
I see her doubting, hesitating, stand;
Yield to his claim with most fastidious grace,
And sigh for her intended in his place!

Ah! golden days! when every gentle fair
On sacred Sabbath conn'd with pious care
Her holy Bible, or her prayer-book o'er,
Or studied honest Bunyan's drowsy lore;
Travell'd with him the PILGRIM'S PROGRESS through,
And storm'd the famous town of MAN-SOUL too:
Beat Eye and Ear-gate up with thundering jar,
And fought triumphant through the HOLY WAR;
Or if, perchance, to lighter works inclined,
They sought with novels to relax the mind,
'Twas GRANDISON'S politely formal page
Or CLELIA or PAMELA were the rage.

No plays were then-theatrics were unknown-
A learned pig-a dancing monkey shown-
The feats of Punch-a cunning juggler's slight,
Were sure to fill each bosom with delight.
An honest, simple, humdrum race we were,
Undazzled yet by fashion's wildering glare
Our manners unreserved, devoid of guile,
We knew not then the modern monster style:
Style, that with pride each empty bosom swells,
Puffs boys to manhood, little girls to belles.

Scarce from the nursery freed, our gentle fair
Are yielded to the dancing-master's care;
And e'er the head one mite of sense can gain,
Are introduced 'mid folly's frippery train.
A stranger's grasp no longer gives alarms,
Our fair surrender to their very arms.

And in the insidious waltz (1) will swim and twine
And whirl and languish tenderly divine!
Oh, how I hate this loving, hugging, dance;
This imp of Germany-brought up in France:

Nor can I see a niece its windings trace,

But all the honest blood glows in my face.

"Sad, sad refinement this," I often say,

"Tis modesty indeed refined away!

"Let France its whim, its sparkling wit supply,
"The easy grace that captivates the eye;
"But curse their waltz-their loose lascivious arts,

"That smooth our manners, to corrupt our hearts!" (2)
Where now those books, from which in days of yore
Our mothers gain'd their literary store?
Alas! stiff-skirted Grandison gives place
To novels of a new and rakish race;
And honest Bunyan's pious dreaming lore,
To the lascivious rhapsodies of MOORE.

And, last of all, behold the mimic stage,
Its morals lend to polish off the age,

With puns most puny, and a plenteous store
Of smutty jokes, to catch a gallery roar.
Or see, more fatal, graced with every art
To charm and captivate the female heart,
The false, "the gallant, gay Lothario," smiles, (3)
And loudly boasts his base seductive wiles;—
In glowing colours paints Calista's wrongs,
And with voluptuous scenes the tale prolongs.
When COOPER lends his fascinating powers,
Decks vice itself in bright alluring flowers,
Pleased with his manly grace, his youthful fire,
Our fair are lured the villain to admire;
While humbler virtue, like a stalking horse,
Struts clumsily and croaks in honest MORse.
Ah, hapless days! when trials thus combined,
In pleasing garb assail the female mind;
When every smooth insidious snare is spread
To sap the morals and delude the head!
Not Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego,
To prove their faith and virtue here below,
Could more an angel's helping hand require
To guide their steps uninjured through the fire,
Where had but heaven its guardian aid denied,
The holy trio in the proof had died.

If, then, their manly vigour sought supplies
From the bright stranger in celestial guise,
Alas! can we from feebler nature's claim,
To brave seduction's ordeal, free from blame;
To pass through fire unhurt like golden ore,
Through ANGEL MISSIONS bless the earth no more!

NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ.

1. [Waltz]. As many of the retired matrons of this city, unskilled in "gestic lore," are doubtless ignorant of the movements and figures of this modest exhibition, I will endeavour to give some account of it, in order that they may learn what odd capers their daughters sometimes cut when from under their guardian wings.

On a signal being given by the music, the gentleman seizes the lady round her waist; the lady, scorning to be outdone in courtesy, very politely takes the gentleman round the neck, with one arm resting against his shoulder to prevent encroachments. Away then they go, about, and about, and about— "about what, Sir?"- -about the room, Madam, to be sure. The whole economy of this dance consists in turning round and round the room in a certain measured step: and it is truly astonishing that this continued revolution does not set all their heads swimming like a top; but I have been positively assured that it only occasions a gentle sensation which is marvellously agreeable. In the course of this circumnavigation, the dancers, in order to give the charm of variety, are continually changing their relative situations;· -now the gentleman, meaning no harm in the world, I assure you, Madam, carelessly flings his arm about the lady's neck, with an air of celestial impudence; and anon, the lady, meaning as little harm as the gentleman, takes him round the waist with most ingenuous modest languishment, to the great delight of numerous spectators and amateurs, who generally form a ring, as the mob do about a pair of amazons pulling caps, or a couple of fighting mastiffs.

hands, arms, et cetera, for half an hour or so, the After continuing this divine interchange of lady begins to tire, and with "eyes upraised," in most bewitching languor petitions her partner for a little more support. This is always given without hesitation. The lady leans gently on his shoulder, their arms entwine in a thousand seducing, mischievous curves· -don't be alarmed, Madamcloser and closer they approach each other, and in