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If we

avowed my admiration for his military the editor's telling him he resembled conceptions. He smiled himself at the Lord Byron. “ Do you really think exactness of his foresight.” The man so?” asked the moonstruck sonnetteer who could, four months beforehand, pre- in an ecstasy —"pray in what respect ?” dict the position and circumstances of a “ Why, you wear your shirt-collar upgreat battle in a foreign country, might side down, and get tipsy on gin and have afforded their due share of praise water!” to the instruments of his success. It was not so with Napoleon; he could « Thomas,” said a sponging friend of spare no glory; he

was always jealouş of the family to a footman, who had been his generals and officers. To Kellerman, lingering about the room for half an hour who by a moment of inspired bravery to shew him to the door ; “ Thomas, iny saved, 'or rather won, this very battle of good fellow, it's getting late, is'nt it? Marengo, he could only say, “ You made

How soon will the dinner come up, a tolerably good charge;" while he exa

Thomas ?“ The very moment you be gerated the praise of others, whom no one

gone, sir," was the unequivocal reply. else was likely to distinguish.

" I would mention,” says If we look into the female mind, we spondent of the United Service Journal, shall find virtues of a brighter hue,

"in terms of strong condemnation, a though not of the same colours of which we boast. We have greater depth of practice that prevailed amongst the

When any of our investigation ; they, greater acuteness of ships had chased a vessel of inferior perception. Our strength of mind is force, and she could not escape, the compensated by their liveliness.

Frenchmcn not unfrequently fired a have more courage to brave danger, they broadside into the unsuspecting craft, have far more fortitude to meet distress. and immediately hauled down her coOur eloquence has more force; theirs lours as a token of surrender. This was has more persuasion. Their virtues are done, as they styled it, pour l'honneur feminine, but as substantial and as use

du pavillon,' (for the honour of the flag); ful as ours. You never hear women rail and I have known more men killed by against the married state as unmarried such a display of honour, than in many men frequently do. Gentleness and for regular hard-fought battles. I must add, bearance are so sweetly tempered and however, that towards the close of the mingled in their constitution, that they war this practice had greatly subsided; bear the hardships of their lot, however for some of our ships, entertaining doubts peculiarly severe it may be, without

as to the honour of the thing, did not leveHing a satire against such as are, by suffer the smoke to clear away, so as to the generality of their sex, regarded as

see the tricolour hauled down, and theremore fortunate.

fore promptly returned the salute.”'

Our French neighbours were often Are derived from principles of reason guilty of similar wanton sacrifices of and thought, and when once truly fixed human life; and their affected indifferin the mind, are lasting securities of an ence disgusted our countrymen upon attachment to our persons and fortunes; several occasions. After a severe skirmparticipate with and refine all our joys; ish one evening, during the war of the sympathize with and blunt the edge of Peninsula, the officers of either army every adverse occurrence. In vain should met and conversed together. The I endeavour to make an eulogium on English officers expressed their concern true friendship in any measure equal to at the sacrifice of life, but the Frenchits sublime and exalted value. There is

men laughed at the affair. "O!” said no good in life comparable to it; neither they, “it is a mere bagatelle !are any, or all of its other enjoyments military promenade!”

E. F. worth desiring without it. It is the crown to all our felicities; the glory, An apothecary, who used to value himand I think, the perfection of our na

self on his skill in the nature of drugs, Life is a wilderness without a

asserted in a company of physicians, friend, and all its gilded scenes but barren


a little


that all bitter things were hot. “ No,” and tasteless.


said a gentleman present," th

of a very different quality, I am sure; An erratic poetical genius about town, and that is, a biller cold day." was highly delighted the other day, by

H. W. Jun.


is one


[merged small][merged small][merged small][graphic][merged small]

THE EVILS OF A NAME. lege of indulging in conjectures as to (For the Parterre).

how far I may be able to penetrate its

gloom. I am a wretch“ ka'eçoxuri" Beneyolent Reader !

-a very

" talaivos" (as we say in the I can no longer silently endure the classics)—a sort of Niobe in breeches. unparalleled, unceasing, and at the same My affliction cat end only with my life: time unmerited accumulation of ills by like the poisoned tunic of Hercules, it which I am daily afflicted. I am, Sir, must sting me to my death. Ah, Sir, a complete wretch; stigmatized at my (pull out your vinegarette, and prepare birth with the very name of misfortune, yourself for the awful-heart-rending and hunted by her worrying pack through truth), I am—a“ Smith,"—not a blackthe world. The galley-slave, who daily smith, nor a whitesmith, nor a goldplies the oar, exposed to the broiling smith ; no, nor a silversmith, nor yet a heat of a mid-day sun,—the unhappy locksmith, nor a Baron Smith, nor a exile doomed to linger out the wretched Boatswain Smith, nor any other proremnant of his existence, amid the in- fessional Smith. Alas! (would that Halhospitable snows of Siberia,—the sor- ley's comet had annihilated the globe, row-stricken hackney-coach horse, with ere the hour arrived) I was born to the his raw shoulder festering beneath the name of Smith. Smith is my paternal galling friction of a worn-out collar,— name. Oh! what atrocious crimes must the luckless eur, with the ruins of a tin my ancestor have perpetrated, to be visitkettle rattling at his tail !— all are objects ed with such dire hereditary punishment of compassion—all miserable wretches! on his ill-starred posterity! But so it is. Yet, in comparison with mine, their lot I doubt not that you have a “ heart that is an elysium. They can contemplate can feel for another,” and that I shall at a possible, if not a probable termination least obtain your sympathy, and that of of their sorrows, and happier days in every tender-bosomed reader. “What's store ; whilst I can only brood over an in a name?” say they— what ! mighty abyss of misery to come, with the privi- Jove (that was formerly called Jupiter), everything. What says Franklin on the and kindness, with that natural degrec subject, in his treatise on swimming? of thoughtlessness with which warm

—nothing What says Iago ?—“ He hearts are generally accompanied. I who filches from me my good name, perceived the injustice that was done him, &c. O that some one would be kind and I loved him the more for it. Day enough to filch mine! assuredly would after day convinced me, that he was he “rob me of that which naught en- more sinned against than sinning. One riches him," and I should be well con- day he was accused of mixing vinegar tent to be left “ poor indeed.” Would with the milk, and flogged accordingly; I were of the other sex, for then could I it was afterwards proved, that the maschange my name; but woe is me that ter's maiden-sister had been in the dairy, the decrees of nature are immutable, and and inspected the milk pans. He again female I cannot be, “though heaven suffered on suspicion of having secreted knows I am a wo-man. O for a prince a translation of Ovid, which was afterof Denmark to say to me, “I'll change wards found under the mattress of the that name with you!” Grant me pa- same lady's bed. Our intimacy all the tience, ye ministers of affliction, whilst while increasing,- it at length became I endeavour to recount a tithe of the imperative, on the score of justice and horrors that have conspired to make me presumptive evidence, to include me in the wretch that I am !

most of the charges brought against him, My father and mother (whose maiden as a particeps criminis. A window name was Anne Ville) had long loved was broken,_0, the Smiths did it!-the in secret; and despairing of the con- bellows were perforated—the Smiths sent of her friends, they at length took are the guilty party! the cat's tail was fight, and had Hymeneal fetters forged dipped in terpentine, and set a-fire. at Gretna Green, whence they after- Who did it? O, the Smiths ! Thus wards came to reside at Hammersmith, did things continue for some time, during in which ominously named place, your which our mutual martyrdoms,endeared wretched correspondent drew his first us the more to each other. At length breath. I shall pass over my infant he left the school. What became of him years by merely observing, that by afterwards, I do not know. Whether unanimous consent of all parties, I was the predictions of the old sibyls were christened Gregory; my mother being verified, it is impossible to say-so many fond of romantic names. In due time of my unfortunate name have gone off I was sent to school; there it was that my in that way. It seems a family comevil genius first began his persecution. plaint: but he left me with “ the heartI do not speak of the minor afflictions of ache, and all the ills that Smiths are school boys,-such as learning to eat but- heirs to." What a change ! no sympater scrapings with a relish, spread upon thising heart—no kind hand to collect a farinaceous curricomb; having one's all the slates sprinkled with cold water; features re-modelled every Saturday to ease the smarting of my swolleu night, by the application of extra-stout hands. No kind friend to prepare the huckaback, and other little scholastic “frigidum sedile”- -a large marble slab, luxuries. There chanced to be at the kept for that purpose, wherewith to same school, a boy of the same name soothe my weeping and wailing. I was with myself; whether that circumstance alone, and responsible for all the misproduced a kindred feeling between us, chiefs that might be perpetrated. After I know not; but from some cause or some years of constant apprehension and other, we became intimate cronies.

He frequent suffering, I was removed to being a year older than myself, I re- Cambridge, where I. fully expected to garded him as my pattern. Now, em- be first Smith's Prizeman, and (as every phatically, he was a mischievous boy, fond father fancies his fool will be, if he i.e. (whether from original merit, I can get over the pons asinorum) thither cannot say) he had got a bad name, and my Pythonian curse followed me with there were not wanting some, among the renewed persecution. Amongst the fresh superannuated old pieces of mortality men, there was (as I ascertained by the in the neighbourhood, who gravely nomenclature of the tutor on the first pronounced, as well as their toothless day of lectures) one of the name of gums would allow them, that the na- Sm

I can't write it--that fatal tional consequences of such a circum- name—his other name was George. No stance in the canine race, would come to sooner did I ascertain the fact, than I pass with him. I confess I could see determined to shun all intercourse with nothing in his disposition but generosity, him. He luckier owner of a luckless



name, in the pure warmth of fellow- He had, like me, approached with freshness, was equally desirous of be- eyes rivetted on the marble floor; and coming acquainted with me. Day after the violent concussion of our heads alone day, he made the most earnest advances, apprised us of our proximity. The which I as studiously repelled. His incli- Dean coloured—the Sophs tittered- the nation towards me, increased in an equal bachelors laughed outright, I trembled ratio with my aversion to him; and thus with indignation at what I considered were we like the theory we were studying a premeditated insult. He retired in -two parallels, going to the greatest confusion, and I at length found myself lengths, and never meeting. One even- reading about the curse of Cain, which ing as I was pacing the court, listening recalled me to myself, and I was tolerto the monotonous ding of the chapel- ably recovered by the time I began the bell, waiting for the time for evening second lesson, wherein I was fcelingly service (a prejudice which fresh-men eloquent on the subject of persecution are more or less subject to; but which, for name's-sake. I returned to my seat however, they very soon get over), I was muttering revenge on the author of my met by the Dean, who thus accosted confusion; not even the admirable prayer

· Pray, Mr. Smith, why have you that followed, could work the slightest not your surplice on?” I replied that inclination to forgive the offence. I I was not aware of its being a surplice buried my head in my sleeve, and till evening. “Then,” said he, “perhaps you the conclusion of the service, remained are not aware that I sent the chapel. wrapt in schemes of vengeance and Irish clerk to you with your name, as reader linen. Chapel over, I rushed to my of the lesson for the ensuing week ?” rooms, bolted the door, and threw my“R-r-reader ?” stammered I (trem- self on my sofa in an agony of

I bling at the awful announcement of a resolved to challenge him. Yes, much duty which I had often shuddered to as I hate duelling, I must challenge him. think of, and as often determined to re- Nothing else should ever make me take hearse in my own rooms, whenever it such a step; but myself—the collegeshould be my turn); “I-I-have n- the sacred desk- all have been insulted. not received any instruction, Sir, to—" I ought to challenge him-I will.-“Well, Mr. Smith,' continued the Dean, Down I sat, and penned a mortal de“I now give you full instruction to go fiance, demanding an immediate reply. and put your surplice on and prepare to Signed and sealed, I rushed with it to read the lessons at the appointed time.” the post-office, covering my head with Agitated with fear of the approaching the first thing at hand, which the proctor public display of my talents-and pride afterwards informed me was my hat, and of mounting the sacred desk in that fined me accordingly; thence I prosacred capacity for which I was des- ceeded to the gunsmiths, and took a pair tined, I ran to my rooms-stood a of pistols upon trial, and finished the minute before my mirror to see that my evening with a convivial friend, who enwhite robe was duly adjusted, and with tertained me with a bowl of Bishop, and panting heart entered the chapel. The a longer harangue upon the necessity of bell had not yet stopped—I seized the preserving the point of honour, and the opportunity to find out the lessons pre- invariable law of expulsion for duelling vious to the commencement of the ser- in the University. Whatever I felt, I vice, that I might not be embarrassed by pretended a defiance of the University, any delay at the proper time. The last and contempt of the authorities, which psalm was begun-I breathed quick and the episcopal comforter assisted me short-I hemm'd once or twice to clear greatly to maintain, to the prejudice my voice—the last verse was nearly of my equilibrium-I reeled home to my finished—I trembled—the glory was rooms, and flouncing into bed, dreamed given-I felt like an animated earth- of trigonometry and pistol-shooting, quake. With tottering knees, and eyes blended into a most perspicuous system, to the ground, I approached the steps illustrated by examples; amongst which, leading to the desk-another moment I saw myself flying off at a tangent. would have seen me officiating in my Morning dawned — the chapel bell, sacred duty-when lo! I experienced which was still going, revived my blooda shock sufficient to overthrow the thirsty spirit by the recollection of last equilibrium of head more composed evening's encounter. Impatiently I than mine. My fellow-collegian, Smith, waited for post-time. The door opened had by mistake been served with the -I rushed to receive the letter—'t was Dean's notice that had been destined for only my bed-maker with my morning



commons. Again it opened – I started up the chapel-stairs, and pummelled him forward-'t was the tailor, who had considerably, that I convinced him that "taken the liberty of calling for orders.” I was something more substantial than At length the porter appeared with a air. He explained the object of his

Thank heaven! I ejaculated, we visit. “ That infernal name, G. Smith of shall fight-I shall be satisfied-my in- Coll.” had gone the round of the sulted honour will be appeased. I hastily public journals. My friends had emperused the direction. Surely I've seen ployed their dress-makers to make up that hand before. No matter, 't is its their mourning with all expedition. last specimen. Eagerly I tore open the They mourned me dead in my father's note. Judge of my chagrin. Was ever halls.” My mother had shed her tribuman made so palpable an ass of by him- tary torrent of tears, and my little broself. 'Twas-0 patience, Job!--'t was thers had settled their various disputes my own note-a challenge from myself concerning the distribution of my fishing. to myself! In my haste and agitation, tackle, skates, rabbits, and other small I had directed to G Smith, Esq. possessions that I had left behind me.

Coll., and here it was in that wor- S' death, Sir, this was too bad ; to have thy's own hands! What I did I know one wishing you dead is bad enough ; not. The first thing that I recollected but to be actually lied out of one's existafterwards, was spitting out a mouthful ence, is a little too much to bear. In a of ink and coffee, the former of which I fit of rage I flew to the buttery, drank a had by mistake used instead of the milk. sizing of ale, and erased my accursed I sat for some time roasting my knees, name from the boards, leaving my broand ruminating on my folly. “ After ther to settle my affairs as he pleased. all, thought I, it īnight have been some 'T were needless to enter into a detail mistake, "-" he might have"-At this of all the annoyances to which I have moment a Gyp of the next staircase, since been subjected. I cannot walk in brought me a note from George Smith, the street, without looking round every intreating pardon, and making every ten yards to see who is calling me. apology for the unpleasant rencontre, never look into an undertaker's window, enclosing the Dean's order as his autho- but my eyes are greeted with my own rity for acting as he had done, with a name, engraved on a neat coffin-lidrequest of permission to call upon me. surmounted by an ugly-looking angel I was now cool—I saw my honour with the last trump, accompanied by a untainted—my hands unstained with grave announcement that I died a day or blood. I hailed the moment as the two before. I am not afraid of death dawn of future happiness. I wrote a -heaven knows I have no reason to be ; hasty answer, begging him to come im- but nobody likes a perpetual “memento mediately. We exchanged forgiveness— mori." If I look at a placard, it 's ten to laughed at the past, -and pledged our- one that I see a reward of one hundred selves to friendship for the future—and pounds for my own apprehension. I I was happy.

have been thrice taken up for forgery, But alas! Sir, my evil destiny did and all because my name is Smith! I am not suffer me long to continue so. The constantly opening other peoples' letters arrows of death were aimed at my peace. by mistake, for which I have to make George—my kind friend George-was suitable apologies, and bear the expense attacked by scarlet fever, and died. I of postage; for if I accompany those attended him to the last, and did not apologies by any intimation that I have observe that few of my friends had called paid for the letters, the answer is always on me during the time—so constantly the same, “ () ! don't mention it, Sir, was I employed in nursing him. No beg.” I threw myself out of the sooner had this event taken place, than window, on the 14th of February last, my brother came up in a post-chaise and through fright at the arrival of a packet four, demanding to see me, and was in- of valentines, that would have covered formed that I was not in my rooms. my dining-table, and made me a bank“ What, buried too !” exclaimed he,- rupt, had I taken them in. I have re“ but I will have this explained :" so ceived numerous letters of condolence on saying, he descended the stair-case, de. the execution of three or four brothers termined to see the master. He met

at the Old Bailey. I can get no credit, me by chance in the cloister, and utter- for every one takes me for “the Swinding a cry of horror, took to his heels; ler,” and my name is constantly in the and it was not until I had chased him Gazette. My wife has more than once

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