Childhood of an Idiot'I entered the world kicking and screaming in 1973. I put my theatrical entrance down to me craving a nicotine fix. Mum smoked, like a chimney, right through the nine months of pregnancy. As far as anyone knew back then smoking was good for the unborn child. I'm pretty sure smoking was even permitted in the Plunket rooms mum and I used to go to before I was born. How I survived to tell the tale of my young years is a miracle - we had no seatbelts, no bike helmets, no sun screen, we had trampolines with exposed springs, playgrounds with concrete floors, we shared bath water, the dentist was known as the murder house and we had to endure summers with lawn prickles as ferocious as land-mines. Back then service stations gave you service and petrol. I never saw mum get out of the car at a forecourt, she'd just wind the window down and hold the money out. If she tried that now she could be parked up at the pumps long enough for her family to file a missing persons report. This is the story of my childhood. But it is probably the story of yours as well if you grew up in the 1980s. This is a book for any New Zealander who has ever been told to stop crying or you will be given something to really cry about.' |
Contents
1 | |
9 | |
The Hastings Years
| 21 |
Meet the Grandparents
| 31 |
Knucklebones Hopscotch and Elastics
| 45 |
Stealing Milk Money
| 51 |
Pitch Invasions
| 55 |
Tapping Phones
| 59 |
the Good the Bad and the Bloody Ugly | 184 |
The Time I Cheated Got away With It and Still Failed | 192 |
Schools Out Forever
| 198 |
The Longest Renovation
| 201 |
Braces
| 206 |
Hello Ladies
| 215 |
Starcrossed Lovers | 221 |
Lawn Prickles
| 231 |
Trivial Pursuit
| 61 |
Saving Things for Best
| 69 |
The School Baths Key
| 74 |
Permission to Swear
| 80 |
Car Cigarette Lighters
| 88 |
The Idiot Box
| 94 |
The Video Recorder
| 98 |
Toys and Games
| 102 |
School Reports
| 107 |
Illegal Music Downloads The 1980s Edition
| 117 |
Going to the Movies
| 124 |
The 10 Best Kids Movies in the Eighties
| 126 |
Go Outside and Play
| 133 |
Go Outside and Play the Away Edition | 140 |
I Discover the Other Use of My Penis | 146 |
An Idiot Discovers Pornography
| 150 |
The Sanyo Portable Cassette Player
| 156 |
Lies My Mum Told | 161 |
An Idiot Goes to High School
| 173 |
White Dog Poo
| 233 |
The Fiftycent Mix | 236 |
Duraseal Covers
| 239 |
Sports and Me
| 241 |
Tennis Courts and Jogging Shorts
| 248 |
Fake IDs
| 254 |
In the Navy
| 262 |
An Idiot Gets a Job
| 265 |
The Sunday Drive
| 286 |
Predigital Cameras and Photography | 289 |
School Holidays on the Farm
| 295 |
The Christmas Holiday Road Trip
| 302 |
The Christmas Holiday in Whangamata
| 310 |
Mum
| 324 |
Dad
| 331 |
Bridget Dan and Charlotte
| 340 |
Me
| 349 |
Back cover
| 356 |
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Common terms and phrases
2XS FM adult asked awesome ball belt bike bloody bottle Boys Bridget called centimetres Christmas couple Dad’s Daniel didn’t eating eighties Facebook feel Foodtown friends fucking Game & Watch getting girls Granddad hand happened holiday Hungry Hungry Hippos incredibly Jay-Jay Kenny Rogers knew listen lived Lladró lollies looked lounge loved mate meant Melford Road morning movie Mum and Dad Mum’s Nana never night Palmerston North Palmerston North Boys Palmy parents pick play pulled radio remember seemed shit sitting someone song started Steve Steve Rowe stopped stuff sure tape tell thing thought told trip Trivial Pursuit turned twenty Uncle usually walked wanted wasn’t watch weekend Weet-Bix Whangamata YouTube Zealand