of good Mr. W—, now an aged man, but never | Western.steamers was ascending the Father of Wawithout a thought of what that scene must have ters, among her crew was a sturdy fellow not long been which took place so many years ago." from the land of Erin, who was much afraid of snakes and varmints. One evening, a little after dark, the "IN the same North country lived by themselves boat made a landing at a cabin on the Upper Missisan aged couple of the name of Crook: the old gentle- sippi, and Pat was ordered on shore to make fast a line. man, celebrated for his quick motions, was known as Now it so happened that the owner of the cabin had 'Uncle' in all the country round, and 'As quick as a pet bear, which on that evening was chained in "Uncle Crook," became a household proverb. There front of his domicile. Pat shouldered the line and being in those new settlements only now and then made up the bank, when seeing, as he thought, a an opportunity to hear a sermon, or attend any re-stump, proceeded to march around it, intending to ligious services, people were not in the habit of leav- fasten the end and sing out to haul aboard. Bruin ing their homes on the Sabbath, at least such as had sat still until he came around, when he opened with any religious principles; and very much astonished a growl and jump toward our hero. 'Holy Mother were the family of Mr. K- by the arrival, one of Christ protect me!' sung out Pat; and with two fine Sunday morning, of Uncle Crook and his wife, bounds he was in the Mississippi, screaming for help, apparently for a visit. They were on the way to and cursing the country where the stumps attacked the mill with a grist,' and would stop and see their Christian men wid their mouths open." neighbors a while; so coming in, the old lady took out her knitting and went diligently to work. The family, surprised, puzzled over it a while; and then one said, 'Mr. Crook, do you know what day of the week it is?' 'Why, Saturday to be sure,' he re-great in that line, and his composure and placidity plied. 'Oh no; you are mistaken: it is Sunday.' Amazement held the old man in absolute quiet a moment, and then chair and feet in an instant were square upon the floor, the knitting needles were as quickly pushed aside, and instanter were the old folks in their wagon, with faces turned toward home, from which no persuasions could longer keep them, and lamenting as they went their loss in reckoning of a day and thereby unintentional Sabbath-breaking." "THERE is an old fellow residing in South Royalton, Vermont, who has been for a lifetime the storyteller of the neighborhood. His experience has been while he enunciates a 'whopper' unequaled. No matter what extraordinary event happens, he instantly remembers one which surpasses it. To give you an instance: One day he killed a common striped or garter snake while mowing in the meadow. When he came home to dinner he told his employer that he had killed the biggest striped snake he ever see, and asked him how big he s'posed it was. The farmer reflected never having seen one over two feet long, but knowing our friend's propensity he guessed it might have been eight feet long. With the emphasis of one who knows he is going to make your eyes stick out with astonishment, he brought down his fist upon the table, and said, in a tragic whisper, 'Twas nine!' CHARLEY had been passing several weeks in the country, and the dreaded period of departure was rapidly drawing nigh. Loth to forego his rural enjoyments, his many rambles by breezy meadow or willowy stream, his butterfly chases or bird-nest "The last time we heard of him was in the tavclimbings, Charley formed the resolution of defeat-ern, talking with a number of farmers about the efing his parents' intentions at least for one day longer. fects of poudrette upon corn. Poudrette was a new The coachman had been ordered to have his horses thing there, and each one who had tried it vied with prepared at a certain hour, so that the departing the other in their statistics. Our friend, whose tacguests might meet the only train which then com- tics were always to draw out the strength of the enemunicated with the city. Hearing the order, and my before he ventured any thing himself, waited till discerning the necessity for immediate action, Char- every body was through, then took up the thread of ley hurried to the stable, and carefully marked the the following tale: 'When I fust heerd of this here driver's movements. Scarcely had the horses been Pouderette I went an' got a pint, an' I put it all inter harnessed on one side and the coachman repaired to one hill, an' then I put five kernels of corn in the hill the other, than Charley as quickly removed the five inches apart (how very particular these fellows traces and other gear, twisting the straps in inex- always are!), an' I stuck a stick inter the middle so's tricable confusion. The coachman was at first un- I'd know it agin. Wa'al, I never seed corn grow aware of the variation; but it was soon discovered, like that 'ere. It growed an' growed till it got to and the respective pieces properly replaced. be ten feet high, an' when it eared every ear was however, these had been arranged to entire satisfac- fifteen inches long, an' when I harvested that 'ere tion, Charley had visited the opposite side and re-hill I got five ears off of every stalk, and seven off duced it to a similar situation. Thus he continued the stick!" until the coachman, whose patience was now thoroughly exhausted, caught him in his arms and bore him from the spot; but the little fellow's satisfaction was wholly unalloyed, as the shriek of the locomotive and the rattling of the departing train bespoke the success of his manœuvre; and he exclaimed in an ecstasy, "Now, Barney, if you can hitch up a horse, never say that I can't unhitch him!" Ere, AN Illinois correspondent writes: "In these times, when we all feel gloomy enough about State affairs, it is well to have something to keep off the blues, and the contents of your Monthly Drawer afford amusement in camp and cabin. The following river story may help to fill up a number: As one of our "WHEN Meeker County, Minnesota, was new, before lawyers found their way out there, two Dutchmen, Fifer and Steirne (brothers-in-law), undertook to cheat Uncle Sam by pre-empting two claims with one cabin, each furnishing half the lumber, the cabin to stand on the line between the two claims. Before the claims were pre-empted the brothers fell out. Steirne undertook to carry away his half of the lumber, when Fifer shot Steirne through the sacred soil' of the system. Steirne complains of Fifer for an assault with intent to kill, and Fifer settles up by giving Steirne a chattel mortgage on two yoke of oxen (all the property either party had in the world except a wife and seven children each). "When the mortgage came due Steirne takes the cattle and Fifer replevies them, on the ground that the mortgage was given to compound a felony, and was void. "Maturing the mortgage, two pettifoggers arrived at the county seat, one Smith, a frontier lawyer and a notorious wag, and Willey, a clever young lawyer from Western Virginia. "Fifer having the actual possession of the oxen, delivers one yoke to Smith for his fee, and Steirne, having the cattle in expectancy, mortgaged one yoke to Willey also to secure his fee. "The case was tried by His Honor, Ned Hamlin, then on the bench of the Fourth District, at the October Term, 1859, at Forest City. Being but one spare room in town, the court adjourned to give the use of the room to the jury. About 11 P.M. jury sent for the Court and informed the judge that there was no possibility of an agreement. The judge thereupon instructed the sheriff to take the jury to the tavern and give them a supper and a glass of grog each, and then shut them up again with the case. "At 4 o'clock A.M. the jury sent for the Court, and gave in a sealed verdict, and were discharged from further attendance on the Court, with the judge's thanks. When the Court convened at 9 A.M. the verdict was opened, and read as follows: "As a specimen of the old Deacon's eloquence, I must relate one incident. One Sabbath morning our itinerant dominie gave us a stirring sermon, in which he spoke very feelingly of the war with Mexico, in which our country was then involved. When he had concluded the old deacon arose, and in deep organ tones, said, 'My brethren, if you want to get to heaven you must press in-press in like a hungry ox agin a barn door, and thus escape the Gulf of Mexico.' "I solemnly assure you that these are the very words he used. You can imagine their electrifying effect." MR. L was many years ago, and may be yet, extensively engaged in one of the Eastern States, in the manufacture of paper, which at one time ob-* tained considerable reputation. Previous to his engaging in this business he had attempted another which did not prove so successful. During the war of 1812 gunpowder became very scarce, and commanded a corresponding price, and L, who was a very enterprising fellow, and watchful for every chance of making an honest penny, although thoroughly ignorant of the business, embarked in the manufacture of this indispensable requisite of war. He succeeded in obtaining a contract from the Government for a large supply, but the very first install "Jury find Willey's mortgage good for nothing, and ment was condemned and thrown on his hands. This that Smith shall return the other oxen to Fifer. 66 (Signed) T. R. WEBB, Foreman.' was a serious loss; but he determined to make the best of it, and the way to do that, he concluded, was "When the judge settled his bill at the tavern to peddle the rejected article among the store-keephe found the following items: ers in his region. Accordingly he loaded a twohorse wagon, and in two or three days he had got rid of twenty or thirty kegs. After the lapse of a few weeks he thought he would make another tour. Now he had disposed of a keg to Major Conover, a whole-souled native of the Emerald Isle-a shrewd parts. "I HAVE long been getting 'goodies' from the and thrifty man of business, honest in his dealings, Drawer, and have come to believe that 'tis the great-generous in disposition, and the greatest wag in those est humanizing article of furniture known to mechanics or any other man.' In these weary days of gloom and depression the Drawer comes bright with sunbeams for the heavy laden heart, and draws us all some 69 statute miles nearer 'kingdom come.' Long may it wave! "Let me tell you of my pet. My little niece, Katy M, a child of three years, was sitting in her favorite rocking-chair, drawn close up to her mother's side. The mother was busily engaged with her sewing. Katy sat very quietly for some moments, seeming to be entirely absorbed by thought, when, suddenly turning her sweet blue eyes up to her mother's face, she exclaimed, 'Mamma, who took care of me when you was a little girl?' As the mother could give Katy no satisfactory answer, I suggest that the author of 'Conflict of Ages' furnish a reply through the medium of the Drawer." "In the summer of 1846 I was a dweller in the backwoods of Michigan, not far from what is now the beautiful village of Battle Creek. Among the limited blessings there enjoyed was that of 'stated preaching' in the log school-house. Old Deacon Cole was one of the noted characters of our settlement. He had a 'breaking-up team,' consisting of six yoke of oxen, and went from place to place breaking up the new land for the rapidly-coming settlers. The old man was most pious and religiously inclined, and seemed to regard it as a solemn duty resting upon him to make an exhortation after every service held in the school-house. Hailing the Major from his wagon, L- asked him if he should leave him another keg of powder? MAJOR (with a hesitancy of manner, as if his mind was not entirely made up). "Well, I guess not to-day. I am of the opinion that the stock I have will last till you come round again." L. "How did the other turn out ?" MAJOR. "Well, I can't complain. What has been disposed of certainly has gone off much to my satisfaction. It might have been a good deal worse. The greatest difficulty I have is to know what to call it, and what to sell it for. The fact is, L————, when I bought that keg I had it placed for safety in my wife's chamber. I knocked out the head, and left it uncovered, which I confess was a little careless in me. One day my wife wanted a fire made in the room, and told our help to take a shovelful of hickory coals up stairs. Now what does the hussy do but knocks her elbow against the check of the door and douses the coals right into the powder. She showed great presence of mind, that I must allow, and screamed fire with all her might. I happened to be at the foot of the stairs with a bucketful of water, which I was just taking into the store. I tore up stairs like a catamount, and dashing the water upon the flaming mass I soon had the fire out, but, would you believe it, not till nigh on to onethird of the pesky stuff was burned up! Now, L—, that article of yours is a good article, I have no doubt; but it is my deliberate judgment, that if it was made for amminition, it is rayther too slow; if it was intended for kindlin', it's a consarned sight too | Comforted, he lay down again; but presently the fast." long regular snore aroused him once more, and he cried out, 'Mamma, mamma!' 'What, my dear?' There comes the bull again!'" L did not wait to press a sale, but giving the whip to his ponies he went out of that town at the rate of something like 2.50. THE following comes from New Hampshire: "Inclosed is a copy of a note which I received when I was teaching school: "WHITE RIVER JUNCTION, N H., Dec. 6, 1859. FROM Rhode Island we have the following: "Not many years ago, at an academy then very popular in the Green Mountain State, I witnessed the following good thing: It was examination-day, and the spacious hall was filled, as usual on that "DEAR SIR,-As I do not know your name i adress day, with visitors from abroad, while on the teachmyself to you to inform you that I woud like to have you er's platform were ranged those august personages, give boy Oscar V. Adams a seat Where he can set so as th the trustees, who composed the committee of examlarge Boys cant pull His hair when they go to and from ination. The grammar-class had the floor, and our their Seats as he is very bashfull He is afrade to speke to worthy principal, calling up one after another, proYou he would let them pull his hair all out of his head before nounced the name of Dewey. Dewey rose. he woud tell you he is so bashful if you can dissmiss Marion & Oscar when Marion gits thru with her studys so that though still in his teens, he was a stout fellow, with they can com home a lone You will mutch Oblege me when heavy black whiskers, thick-tongued in speech, and we are as sheep among wolves we must be Wise as Serpents awkward in manner, albeit nobody's fool. Now our & harmles as dovesYours With respekt from Mrs car-teacher would sometimes propound questions very oline Adams-to The techer" " Al simple and very odd, as surely were these, to wit: 'What is a period?' 'It's a little dot,' hesitatingly spluttered the pupil, with a broad grin. 'About how large should you think?' persisted the teacher. Every eye was now turned on Dewey. 'Oh !' drawled he, 'I should think's 'bout's big's a flyspeck.' Dewey sat down. "In the same village dwelt a certain judge, who, being a widower, always accompanied his niece to church. One summer afternoon, while she was intent upon the sermon and the judge was having a quiet snooze, she discovered a grasshopper on her dress. Picking it off, she gently nudged the drowsy judge, that he might throw the intruder into the aisle. He took it with eyes half open, and supposing it to be a clove, quite unsuspectingly bit off its "AN attorney named Capron, of our little town in Indiana, was employed to attend a case before Squire F, and Judge B- of an adjoining city, was the opposing counsel. Capron is a young man, though well versed in legal lore. Judge B is an old attorney, of great character in our neck of woods,' at one time Judge of Nebraska Territory, looking very much as our fancy paints the English barristers of old, and very fond of a joke. A legal point was raised of vital importance to Capron, and he made a labored speech, showing a great amount of law to sustain his position, and making the thing very clear. During his speech, the Squire, who was a most eccentric individual, and not a man of much legal knowledge, listened at first attentively, but was soon tired out, and amused himself in scratch-head!" ing the desk with his jack-knife, and such other employments as he could engage in. When Capron sat down, Judge B- arose and made a few remarks, and submitted the point, doubtless thinking it scarcely worth while to contest the point very closely. When he had finished, the Squire, who had just been driving some boys out of his 'bench,' looked up, and remarked in a kind, consoling tone of voice, to Capron, 'Well, Capron, I guess the old man has got you where the hair is short,' and renewed his labors with the juveniles." "THE literary progress of our little four-year old has, through devious ways, led him deep into the labyrinths of the double letters. He catches sight of every double L or double O on the paper, and demands an explanation at once. The other day he brought down the house by bringing me a printed envelope containing the name of a distinguished Western underwriter, and inquiring, with eager emphasis, 'Papa, what does J double B, E double N, E double T spell?"" "WE live a mile in the country, and every now and then a bull, which is the terror of our little boy, comes bellowing along with the rumble and muttering peculiar to that animal, when the little fellow will fly for safety to his mother's lap, crying, 'Oh! mamma, the bull is coming.' The other night he woke up, and mistaking a small noise close by for a great one far off, he got up in his crib and woke his mother, exclaiming, in great distress, 'The bull is coming, mamma!' His mother laughed, and said, 'No, my child, it is only papa breathing hard.' AN old contributor returns to the charge with several pleasantly-told stories: A gentleman somewhat past his school-days, coming in the room one morning where his cousin, Miss D, sat reading, inquired of her the botanical name of the flower-stalk. "Pedunck," was the reply. "Thank you, Cousin Mary. I knew it was an unck of some sort, but couldn't think of the precise term to be used for the life of me." "No wonder, no wonder at all, Cousin More. It is only ped-ants that do use the term.” HERE is the account of a hard case of fever, related to me by a D.D.S. now residing in one of the pleasant villages situated on the line of the Michigan Central: "When I first came West," says our friend the dentist, in his inimitable manner, "I was introduced to Dr. C, and was somewhat imposed upon, at first, by his pretentious manner, and really was inclined to consider him one of the lights of medical science until accident one day dispelled that illusion. Going along by the Knapp House I saw the Doctor standing in the hall, saddle-bags on his arm, and looking as wise as the Sphinx. He was dressed well, and with his portly figure and look of solemn gravity would have imposed upon any one. "Stepping toward him from the street, I accosted him politely, and made inquiries regarding the gencral salubrity of the place. "Drefful sickly, drefful sickly, Sir,' said the Doctor. "Ah! indeed, Sir,' said I, in a tone of interest; | time, and then replied, 'Dat ish too low; you gif 'what is the general type of disease?' me sextee zent, and you take him; I no zell him for less!' "Typhoid type, Sir. Have got some drefful bad cases of typhoid on hand now: one of 'em is particularly uncommon: drefful, Sir, drefful!' 666 May I inquire what there is peculiar in the case you have mentioned, Dr. C?' "The buyer was not certain whether he understood him rightly or not; but found, on questioning him, that sixty cents was really the figure, so he replied, 'Well, being as it's you, I'll do it ;' and he "Certingly, certingly: it's the pulse: that's dref-actually bought the wheat at fifteen cents per bushful, Sir, drefful! Sixty at the wrist and ninety-el less than he first offered for it. You can imagine seven at the forehead! drefful, Sir, drefful!' "I thought it was 'drefful!'" MR. SPRAGUE, of Bayou Sara, West Feliciana Parish, Louisiana, had been rather careless in his manner of bringing up his sons. One Sunday morning Parson Butler, an old Baptist clergyman of the neighborhood, in riding to town met Billy and Sammy Sprague going into the woods, evidently for the purpose of hunting. Feeling certain that any thing like direct remonstrance with the young gentlemen themselves would scarcely turn them from their ways, he waited until after "preaching," and sought the old gentleman. After recounting the circumstance of meeting Billy and Sammy as he had done, he closed an affecting appeal by inquiring of their father why they had not been "brought up in the fear of the Lord?" how difficult it was for me to keep my countenance long enough to get out of sight so as to give vent to my laughter. Doubtless the honest old German thinks to this day that he made at least five cents by setting a price." And the Drawer wishes to add that he finds something more difficult to imagine-and that is, how any honest man could take advantage of a German's ignorance of the language, and so cheat him out of fifteen cents on a bushel of wheat. We would rather be the cheated than the cheat in such an operation, and though we put the story in the Drawer, we would not put any wheat into our garner that was got by such a bargain. "RIDING one night over the P. W. and B. Railroad, the passengers were much amused by the prattle of a little girl whose age might be expressed with a single figure. The train stopped at a well-known place, opposite to some rather dilapidated-looking "Fear of the Lord, Parson-fear of the Lord! Why, they hey! They're so 'feard of him now they dassent go out Sunday without double-bar'l'd shot-buildings. The moon was shining brightly, making guns on their shoulders!" "In the beautiful village of Waterloo this summer I was particularly amused with the words of a follower of Izaak Walton, which I consider too good to be lost. The little fellow's name was Le Grand, with a companion who answered to the decidedly classical sobriquet of 'Hank.' Le Grand and Hank, fully equipped, started for a fishing excursion. After the absence of an hour or more, Le Grand made his appearance with his basket well filled with fish. He asked all his friends to look at his fish, of which he seemed quite proud. When upon being interrogated as to how many he caught, he reluctantly replied: 'None: but I would have caught them, only Hank had the best place!' The incident fully illustrates how many things we are sure we could do if we only had the right place." "THE anecdote in a recent Drawer of the girl who knew that it must be true because her father read it in a bound book, proves conclusively the truthfulness of printers and bookbinders. As one of the latter, who not only reads but binds Harper, permit me to cancel a portion of my indebtedness by the following installment: "Two bookbinders in our village' quarreled and came to high words. One of them at length said, "Your countenance shows what you are; you can't look an honest man in the face.' To which the reply was made, 'I can look you in the face.' AN Illinois dealer in wheat writes to the Drawer: "The anecdote in the Drawer of the July number of the Irishman who paid six shillings for flannel that was offered at five cents less, reminds me of a like case which I witnessed here—and, I think, better still. "An old German offered for sale a load of wheat, and was told by a buyer that, owing to the late depression in prices, he could only give him seventyfive cents per bushel. He thought it over for some the surrounding objects quite distinct. Our prattler, after gazing out of the window for a few moments, withdrew her head, and turning to her mother, said, 'Ma, wasn't this place built before any body was born?'" OUR correspondence with the South is necessarily limited. A correspondent in North Carolina some months ago sent us the following obituary notice. He says it "looks like a burlesque, but I assure you it is genuine. It is taken from the Macon (Georgia) Journal and Messenger:" "Departed this life in Macon County, Nov. 30, 1860, E PLURIBUS UNUM, youngest son of John T. and Catharine Oliver, aged 1 year 10 months and 9 days. "We are seldom called upon to chronicle the death of such a promising child as E Pluribus. His amiable dis position and affectionate caresses rendered him the idol of all who knew him; but he is gone, and is an angel now. To the parents of the little boy we say weep not, but endeavor to be resigned to the will of Him who said, 'Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.' Farewell thou charming little son, May we together in heaven rich blessings share." VERY fair this is for a boy in Doylestown, Pennsylvania: "We had in our school a boy of rather dull capacity, and he was particularly puzzled in his English Grammar. For the life of him he could not see into the distinction between nouns and pronouns, etc. On one occasion he was called up, with others of his class, to the Grammar exercise. He came to a word which he pronounced to be a verb. Well done!' says the teacher. Now if you will tell me what kind of a verb it is, I shall have hopes of making a grammarian out of you yet.' The boy's eye brightened up with a sudden flash of intelligence, and he roared out at the top of his voice, 'It's an ad-verb!'" THE BENCH. AN ENGLISH COURT. THIS is Westminster Hall. The first thing you look for is a "place," which you find high up in the back seats; and when this has been climbed into, with more or less noise, you find yourself facing the bench. By the bench, of course, I mean the judges. They are peculiar. Their dress is rather startling at first, till you get used to it; but it is nothing to their caps, which are represented by a little black spot on the top of the wig. But between the back seats and the bench look for the bar, and if you don't exactly see the bar, you will the counsel, which is the same thing. Possibly you may hear them-for they are given to talking; to each other, if they have no better resource; but to the jury, or at all events to the judge, if they can find an occasion: some who, curiously enough, have round noses, round eyes, round mouths, and double chins, are sonorous, emphatic, and what we will call portwiney: others are ponderous, slow, chestspeaking men, but these are mostly tall, lank, and coarsehaired, with terrible noseslong, from the bridge downward, and blunt at the point; some, again, of the sharp, acid, suspicious sort-shriek a great deal; while there are a few-great men these-who are so confidential and communicative, that they seem (using a colloquial phrase) to talk to the jury "like a father." Well, having seen both Bench and Bar, and wishing to understand what they are both engaged in, let us suppose a case. We will say that an obstinate man, one Bullhead, has his action against a plausible man, one Floater. Now the unconvincible Bullhead, who thinks that he has never yet been taken in, has somehow at various times, and upon the VOL. XXIII.-No. 138.-3 H* 857 flimsiest of all possible pretenses, handed over to said Floater sums of money to the amount of-say two hundred pounds: between the possible inconvenience of losing so large a sum of money and the wish to show that his wisdom is equal to his obstinacy, he has brought the little dispute out of his own fryingpan into the judicial fire. There he stands, or rather leans in the witnessbox, carefully checking off his short answers with his forefinger on the sleeye of his coat, and screwing his face on one side, as if to concentrate all his intellect into the left eye that is so widely open; he looks very untractable, with his stumpy brows knitted closely over his thick, stumpy nose; but what chance can he possibly have against such a cool hand as the defendant, Floater, Esq., with his very white stick-up hair bearing witness to his respectability, and his very black lay-down eyebrows covering the unbarnacled portion of those side-glancing eyes? How gently his jeweled fingers are laid on the edge of the witness-box! how shockingly informal the "document"-of whatever sort-proves to be during his examination-what a respectable man he is! Three letters after his name! what to make of it; the stout foreman inclines to Of course, and as usual, the jury hardly know the plaintiff in despite of law; but he is evidently puzzled all the same; the thin man with the bridgy nose, the cold man with the round head, and the argumentative juryman with the mutton-chop whisker, all look at it, as they say, "legally," and decide in favor of the defendant. growing beard, treats it all as good fun, and is ready The jocular "party," with the curly red hair and the two tufts of chinto give his verdict for the defendant too, because, as he says, know," which mode of settlement, however, is not "He is such a jolly old humbug, you looked upon as sufficient by his two neighbors, to these is trying to make up his mind, a feat he has whom it is a much more serious matter. One of THE JUDGE. |