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"The Colonel would at times get drunk—yes, that is the word that best expresses the fact. When under 'ardent' inspiration he was eloquent, much given to the use of big words, kind to his family, and invariably peaceable. Such being the case, he was unmolested by the neighbors, constables, and people generally troublesome to bibulous characters. But 'Irunk or sober, the Colonel despised his neighbor Thaxter—a sneaking, hypocritical person, whom every one disliked, and a specimen of which can be found in most every village.
"This Thaxter had made himself especially obnoxious by professing religion, evidently for the 'ole purpose of insnaring the heart of a rich maiden lady, who thought no one good unless a member of some chureh of the denomination of which she was an active member. Thaxter joined her chureh, and immediately commenced his wooing.
"The Colonel ' went on a drunk on the strength of it;' and Thaxter, to prove to the community his abhorrence of that which had heretofore been uunoticed, entered a complaint against the Colonel as a common drunkard.
"Being arraigned before a Justice of the Peace, the Colonel sat mute, allowing the witnesses to testify without questioning. The last witness was Thaxter. When he had resumed his seat, the Jus- I 'ice said the accused would be allowed to make any remarks, or ask any questions of the witnesses, previous to his aunouncing the fine to be imposed.
"The room was crowded with neighbors, and as the Colonel's pressure of steam had not exhausted itself, fun was expected.
"Rising slowly from his seat, the Colonel commenced: i
"' May it please your Honor, if you will call the' last witness I would like to propound a few queries.'
"Thaxter took the stand. Steadying himself by his chair, the Colonel sternly commenced:
"' Thaxter, look me in the eye.' Reluctantly he
complied—at least as well as a sheep-faced man can. j The Colonel continued: 'Do you understand the nature of an oath?' "thaxter. 'I do.'
"'Now, Thaxter, on your solemn oath, bearing in mind the pains and penalties of its violation—look me in the eye!—do you suppose, remembering what you have hero testificd, that you ever passed from nater to grace V
"Sympathy was with the Colonel, and the explosion which followed prevented me from hearing the reply. It is consoling to remember that, soon after, Thaxter was expelled from the chureh, and that the lady concerned remained until the day of her death 'in maiden meditation fancy free.'"
A Pike's Peakkr writes to the Drawer:
"Let me give you a snatch of the humanity of
the Rocky Mountains. Dr. B , once well known
as a noisy, but an unsuccessful politician in Eastern Nebraska, and more recently known as such in the Pike's Peak region, stood 'six feet ten' in his hat and boots. His impudence, which 'brazed' his countenance over with a hue brighter than that of the gold of his spectacles, was equaled only by his vanity, which his friends feared might some day take him off like a balloon. Not a Convention could be held here—called for whatever purpose, or by whatever clique or faction—but that the Doctor had his credentials prepared for the occasion. He was the inevitable, but ever unsuccessful candidate for the presidency of even' Convention that met. Failing in his aspiration, he invariably resolved himself into the director and dictator of the committees, the debates, and the ballots. Unfortunately no Convention ever could appreciate the immaculate wisdom
of his motives. Judge B , a young magistrate
of one of the mining districts, finally put a quietus upon him. At the Golden City Convention, held last year, the Doctor had, as usual, been one of the candidates for the presidency; failing in attaining which he had, for several days, to the utter disgust of the delegates, occupied almost the entire time on the floor, brawling the most inconceivable nonsense, and shifting his position on every new subject that was introduced for consideration. At length Judge B , for the first time during the sessions, obtained the floor. He had proceeded with his remarks but a few moments when the inevitable Doctor rose to a point of order, and asked if it were proper that the Convention should any longer be bored with a small auger? '1 will answer the question,' said the Judge. 'Yes! for what execution can a small auger do, where the big auger has already bond the Convention to the verge of dissolution V
"The Doctor subsided—ho had nothing more to say during the sitting of the Convention.
"The Doctor was very fond of his dram and his 'little game of poker.' One Sunday morning, riding (pretty well filled with the 'extract of corn') through Central City, on his way to his homo in Missouri City, he passed a Jew selling 'a few small tricks' at auction on the public street. A happy thought occurred to him. He turned back, alighted from his horse, mounted the dry-goods box occupied by the Jew, and to the unutterable consternation of the perplexed Israelite commenced a homily to the surrounding crowd on the wickedness of such business transactions on the Holy Day. After he had finished he remounted his horse, and riding slowly away, muttered to himself, ' Now having done that duty as a Christian, I can with a clear conscience play poker the rest of the day, as none but a Christian can.' At night he had lost upward of two hundred dollars. Returning home, his wife naturally asked him where he had been all day. '1 have preached a sermon,' he replied, iand distributed tico hundred dollars among three or Jour charitable MlflVwflVrtf!'
"the Doctor was particularly vain of his oratorical abilities. He was always, awake or asleep, making what he dignified by the name of a ' speech.' Whenever he concluded one, he invariably went round among his listeners, with all the pomposity of another Polonius, and asked them by individuala what they thought of his speech. A favorable answer always insured a * treat,' and the Doctor's vanity was consequently, at the expense of his pocket, daily flattered to the extent of his desire. One day, after one of his unintelligible rhodomontades, he approached, among others, a rather tough old customer, and asked the stereotyped question, 'Well, Jack, what did you think of my speech?'
"' Going to treat, Doctor?'
"'Certainly; what will you take?'
"' Whisky, straight.'
"Jack drank his whisky; and then, turning to the Doctor, said,
"'Doctor, you are a phrenological phenomenon; the biggest fool in these diggins!'"
"We have a young hopeful in our family, who, we think, has distinguished himself sufficiently to be worthy your notice. He is about nine years old, and considered by mamma a prodigy of intellect. One day during the past summer he accompanied 'Sol' to the pasture, that he might ride back home on old ' Whitey.' Arrived at the field, Whitey was duly secured, and, all things being ready, Matter Andrew essayed to mount, but unintentionally he landed pretty well up on Whitey's neck. It was an awkward position for a novice in horsemanship, and our knight seemed sorely perplexed to reach Xhv right place. But it was only for a moment. A bright idea struck him, and he shouted out, 'Start him ahead, Sol—start him ahead!'"
A Virginia correspondent is quite sure that the following "remarkable case" happened in his own neighborhood. The last time we heard the story the scene was laid in Alabama; the time before, the scene was in Canada, and the voucher for the efficacy of the "Universal Pills" was an Irish cook. Possibly the incident occurred in all of these places[f any one can prove that it did not, the Drawer is open for the refutation.
"Cuff is a gentleman's gentleman down in our region. He is a darkey of most undoubted honesty and truth; but he will sometimes tell tough stories, IIe met 'Kurnel Joining's nlgg/ as he calls him, the other day, and, after discussing various matters appertaining to the masters, they fell into the following conversation:
8am. a Well, Cuff, how you was?"
Cuff. "Oh, I isn't no wus."
8am "How is all de folks down at the house 'r"
Cuvt. "Oh, dey ia able to be round, 'cept de ole man's darter; she had the doctor the oder day. He came in, looked at her, kept lookin* at her, said she had bile in her, and guv her box of Ingine vegetable pills. When de doctor go, she up and trew dem out de winder. She wouldn't take no pills—no, Sab! Wa'al, de ole turkeycock kum an' he gobbled down de pills, box an* all. Next day we had company, and had to kill dat turkey-cock, yer see. Wrought him on the table Idled, with 'later nass; Masaa flourish his knife and try to cut him up; couldn't get de knife into him. 'Cuff,' fays he, 'how long did yer bile dis turkey?' 1Bile him an hour, Ban.' 'Take him away and bile him another hour.'"
Sam. u Did de company wait?"
Ccrr. "Oh yns, de company waited. Wa'al, I brought de turkey in, an' Ma?sa flourish hia big knife agin, an' try to cut him; but he couldn't do it—no, Sah! 1Take him away an' bile him another hour.' So I take him down into de kitchen bgin."
Sam "' Did de company wait?''
Ctit. "Of course dey waited. I brought in de turkey
Wits And Beaux belong to the ornamental, as distinguished from the useful members of society. Like butterflies, they were doubtless made for some good purpose, but one can not help thinking the world would be quite as well off if they were not in it.
Grace and Philip Wharton have put a score of them into a book, and a lively book it is. They shine in it; they amuse and entertain, delight and cheer. The book is a Drawer, full of the effervescence and efflorescence of society—the cream of the cream of the fashionable and the literary world. The Harpers have printed it with the cuts, from drawings by H. K. Browne and James Godwin. But it is full of cuts besides the pictures.
"Beau Brummell and his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales had been great friends. Dining together one day at the club, Brummell says to him, 'Wales, ring the bell!' The Prince thought this was being more familiar than was decent, and ringing the bell, ordered the servant to call Mr. Brummell's carriage. This led to a breach between them, and the Prince cut the Beau thereafter.
"It is well known, in all probability, that George IV. contemplated with as much disgust and horror the increasing rotundity of his'presence' as ever a maiden lady of a certain age did her first gray hair. Soon after the bell affair, the royal beau met his former friend in St. James's Street, and resolved to cut him. This wasattacking Brummell with his own pet weapon, but not with success. Each antagonist was leaning on the arm of a friend. 'Jack Lee,' who was thus supporting the Beau, was intimate with the Prince, who, to make the cut the more marked, stopped and talked to him without taking the slightest notice of Brummell. After a time both parties moved on. and then came the moment of triumph and revenge. It was sublime! Turning round half way, so that his words could not fail to be heard by the retreating Regent, the Beau asked of his companion, in his usual drawl, 'Well, Jack, who's your fat friend?" The coolness, presumption, and impertinence of the question perhaps made it the best thing the Beau ever said, and from that time the Prince took care not to risk another encounter with him."