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lose a leg, ur an tnm, or the like, just to see how quick I'd hand ye back these same!' and then, as if fearful that he had said something to possibly forfeit his five dollars, which he clutched in his brawny hand, he added: 'But, God bless yer honor, ye'll never come to that—no, no!' and shuffling out as fast as possible, with his eyes fixed on his money, he put his wild face back in the door, exclaiming,'No, yer honor, ye shall never come to that; but if you do—if you do—God bless yer honor, jist inquire for one Michael O'Couner with the wooden leg!' thus showing a very warm and grateful heart under a very rough exterior."
"every one in Western Illinois knows 'Nigger Brown,' and his taste for playing poker; and I am sorry to say there are some white men willing to give a practical demonstration of 'nigger equality' by playing with him. Some years ago Brown was
playing his favorite game with old B H .
When each had bet his pile H called, and Brown
threw down four aces on the table, when II coolly threw down five aces. 'Nine aces in twentycard poker!' exclaimed the astonished son of Africa.
'Take de money, Mr. II ;take de money; dat
beat de oldest man in de world!' And, to crown all, a by-stander picked up the cards, and found three aces remaining in the deck!
"The following return was made by a constable in one of the counties of Illinois: "' Served the within summons on the wrong man.'"
"Mr. Drawer,—My wife is a very dear, loving, little woman, and an excellent housekeeper. For instance: On her birthday she moved her low rocking-chair close to my side. I was reading the Drawer. She placed her dear little hand lovingly on my arm, and moved it along softly toward my coat-collar. I felt nice all over! I certainly expected a kiss. Dear, sweet, loving creature! — an angel! She moved her hand up and down my coat-sleeve:
"' Husband,' says she.
"'What, my dear?'
"'I was just thinking—'
"' Was you, my love?'
"' I was just thinking how nicely this suit if clothes you have on would work into a rag-carpet!'"
"not long ago the colored congregation in our village was scandalized by the 'Mormon proclivities' of one of their worthy members. Walking down street one day, Brother A, their preacher, took Brother B, the offending member, 'to task.' Brother B listened silently to Brother A's long lecture on the wickedness of the course he was pursuing. After he had concluded, Brother B replied, very emphatically,
"' Brudder A, did you know Brudder H, what libbed down to Mount Pleasant?'
'"Oh yes,' says Brother A, 'I knew him well.'"' Well,' says Brother B, 'he had two wives, and when he die, he die trinmphant.""
court one day by loud talking, etc. The Judge, after calling him to order once or twice without effect, ordered the sheriff to take him out of the room, there being no jail where such contempts could be punished by confinement. After being liberated by the sheriff on the outside. Jake, who was just drunk enough to have no sense, went around to a window opposite the Judge's stand, and stripping off his coat, rolled up his sleeves, and in the most contemptuous manner, with boisterous and profane language challenged hisHonor to come out and fight him. Without taking other notice of the gross contempt than to order the sheriff to remove the nuisance, the Judge, from inability to inflict any proper punishment, allowed the incident to pass.
"The next morning, at the coming together of the court, the Judge, after consulting with the attorneys, ordered Jake brought before him for the purpose of giving him a mild reprimand, hoping, as he was now duly sober, he would manifest due penitence for his misbehavior on the day previous. Jake, upon the invitation of the sheriff, walked into court as if conscious of no conduct but that of the most
elevated and ennobling character. 'Mr. A ,' said
the Judge, 'you acted very disorderly yesterday, in the presence of the Court, for which it is my duty to punish you; but as you were much intoxicated at the time, it is thought best to allow you an opportunity for explanation. What have you to say in exculpation of yourself?'
"During this brief but pointed reprimand, Jake eyed his Honor closely, the while conscious of his safety both from punishment by imprisonment and fine; for on one hand there was no jail, and on the other Jake was as poor as poverty itself; and at the conclusion he stretched himself up and said,
"'Well, Judge, I know I was rather boisterous vestcrday; but, Judge, vou was a leitle too fast tIourself.n
'' This ended the reprimand; for seeing him wholly incorrigible, the helpless Judge ordered him away, and went on with the business."
The following official document, cut from an Illinois newspaper, deserves embalming in the Drawer: PROCLAMATION.
Ismcd by the Mayor of Dallas City. Mareh 5th, 1S61.
That it is reported by good authority that wo had a MAD DOG to viait our city, a few nights since, R few nights ago he was seen in the evening just above town, laying by the bridge, and the next day was KILLED at Pontoo"ue, after BITING several dogs in that place. We think he must have traveled through this place in the night, and we know not how soon some of the dogs here, may be taken with HYDROPHOBIA and perchance do coneiderablo damage. I therefore, notify, the MARSHALL of this City, that he notifics all those persons within the City, that have a dog or dogs ruuning at large through tho City, to CHAIN him or thom up, and on their refusing or neglecting to do so, the Marshall is hereby authorised to kill or have killed, such dogs as may find belonging to this town, not chained or running at large.
James Gasawat. Mavoe.
"As aneedote is told by somo of the lawyers of Central Illinois as having happened in the early history of Tiatt County which will bear a moro extended hearing:
"Soon after the county was organized, and before a jail for the confinement of prisoners was constructed, as the cireuit Judge was holding one of their first courts, one Jake A caused much disturbance in
Ax afflicted mother says: "A few days ago my little boy, five years old, was confined to the house in consequence of bad weather. As is usual in such cases, he was extremely troublesome and fidgety, and, in consequence, received a number of scoldings in the course of the morning. At last he looked up at me with a face full of indignation, and exclaimed, 'Mother, if all the bears in the world were one bear, and that bear had a sore head, it wouldn't be any crosscr than you are!'"
"the finest telescope in our city," says a correspondent -whose name and address are not for the public, "is owned by Mr. Johnson, who has great pleasure in introducing his friends to the heavenly bodies by the aid of his powerful instrument. A few days ago, when the evening-star was peculiarly beautiful to be seen, he asked his neighbor in business down town to call in some evening and take a look at Venus through the telescope. His friend took the number of the house; but when he called, shortly after, he made a mistake, and pulled the bell at the wrong door. Asking for Mr. Johnson, he was told that he was out, but his wife was in. He was shown into the parlor, to wait for the gentleman to return; but being politely received by the lady, he made known the object of his call—he had been invited to take a look at Venus! The excellent lady was not a little surprised by such an application, but presuming it was all right, sent to the kitchen for the colored cook, who rejoiced in the lovely name of the goddess of love. Venus came at the call; and, arms akimbo, presented herself at the parlor-door to the astonished gaze of the stranger. 'There must be some mistake here,' he said. 11 was invited by Mr. Johnson to call and look at the planet Venus through his telescope.' 'Oh, dear me!' exclaimed the lady, * Mr. Johnson lives next door, and spends half the night among the stars. This is Mr. Thompson's; and the servant at the door must have misunderstood the name!'
"Begging ten thousand pardons for his blunder, the gentleman pursued his astronomical observations next door, and the two hundred pound Venus sunk below the horizon, to shine more brightly in the light of her peculiar sphere."
"not a few of your readers in Vermont remember well the dignified 'look and mien' of the late ChiefJustice Chase, of that State, a man of great ability and marked characteristics. With his many noble qualities of head and heart, his old confreres at the bar and in the Senate had to recognize an irascible temper, that would sometimes break forth inordinately. Once, while presiding Judge of one of the County Courts, an appeal case from a Justice of the Peace came up before him, so small and contemptible in its origin that he was for tossing all the parties out of Vol. XXJII.—No. 133.—I*
court without form of law. It appeared from the statement of the plaintiffs counsel that a turkey had trespassed upon the garden of a neighbor, and got shot for his hobbling and gobbling. The owner brought suit to recover damages of the neighbor who shot the turkey; and failing before the Justice, appealed. The moment the counsel revealed the sum and substance of the case the Judge cried out, in great anger,
"'Mr. Clerk, strike that case from the docket!' Then turning to the lawyer, exclaimed, with indignant emphasis, 'Why do you come here with such a case? Why don't you refer your little dispute to some of your honest neighbors?'
"'May it please your Honor,' replied the lawyer, 'we don't mean honest men shall have any thing to do with it!'
"In a warm contest, a number of years since, for a seat in Congress, between that old prince of eleetioncerers, John Taliaferro, and Colonel Gibson, the former had been successful in obtaining the support of a numerous family by the name of Fritter. It was the custom at that day, in Virginia, for the candidates to take their seats on the court bench during the election, and to thank each individual as he cast his vote, the voting being viva voce. As the members of this family came forward and severally cast their votes, Mr. T., with a graceful bow, would exclaim, 'Thank you, Mr. Fritter.' His opponent, Colonel G., who had not been aware of the great number of this family, stood it patiently until about fifteen had cast their votes against him, when, losing his patience, he exclaimed,'Well, really I think we have had fritters enough; I am quite tired of them, and should greatly prefer some pancakes I"
"I Was visiting at a farm-house in the neighborhood of the Jerseys last summer, where they have the usual (or an unusually large) number of the feathered tribe, but Lord of the Isles was an immense Shanghai rooster, who, like all other men, liked to keep the other sex in submission. This King Shanghai was a constant source of annoyance to the farmer, by digging up the garden and scratching out the grain, until his patience was exhausted, and he had several times threatened his life. But being a very handsome species and a great favorite with the mistress of the house, his life had been spared by her intercession. One day I was taking a walk through
a newly-planted field of corn with Mr. M , the
master, and happening to hear a slight cackling ahead of us, we spied Master Rooster walking along, with all the airs of a Napoleon, only stopping at each corn-hill to dig out the grain which had just uprooted, ard was nice and tender, and easily digested. He had gone on in this way, and by his own unaided efforts (for he would not permit another to venture on his ground) had succeeded in devouring
several rows. Mr. M made a rush at poor S.,
and grasping him by the back of the neck walked off to the wood-pile, while I flew on the wings of love to the house to tell his intercessor; and between us both I don't think any poor criminal accused of murder had moreeloquent pleading. At last he hit upon an expedient, and, much to our relief, poor Shanghai escaped with his beautiful cockscomb, but minus his toes. Mr. M—— placed his feet upon the choppingblock, and with a couple of blows of the axe severed all his toes, and left the poor fellow with only the stumps to walk about on. He very nearly bled to death; but a few days after I saw him walking about almost as lively as ever. Things went on quite favorably until one day I saw Mr. Rooster, like Brigham Young, calling his numerous wives about him to make, I suppose, a slump speech. After the oration was delivered he selected a couple of the finest hens, and sending them before him he followed in their wake—not with his usual dignity, though, but like a Chinese lady with her feet bandaged—to the same corn-field. I was watching in breathless anxiety to see the next move; and you can imagine my surprise and amusement to see the two hens walk deliberately up to each hill, and after they had scratched a while and laid bare the corn, mareh off to the next hill, while Master Rooster would walk up and pick up the delicate grains they had uncovered for him. Oh the devotion of the sex to the lords of creation!"
"The practice of drinking whisky prevails very extensively in Kansas, as it does in most new countries. An acquaintance of mine was trudging over the prairies the other day, facing a cold wind, when, meeting a friend, he was asked, 'Will you take a
nip?' 'Yes, certainly,' was the reply; 'have you any thing good?' 'Bought it at Troy [our county seat] for the best.' But, lo! when the bottle came out its contents were frozen solid! The vendor, upon being told the fact, said that perhaps a mistake had occurred, and that he had probably filled the bottle with some whisky which was only summer strained /"
"in our neighborhood lived Lyme Stone, universally known as Squire Stone, who occupied a fine house, carried on a large farm, and endeavored, when he over-imbibed, to keep within doors at home, and retain the good opinion of his townsmen by keeping his bad habits out of sight. His wife seconded him in this attempt, as will be seen. He told her one day that he had seen a drover in an adjoining town, and offcred to sell him certain of his cattle for two hundred dollars; but the drover, relying on his description, thought one hundred and seventy-five dollars enough for them; and added, 'I shall let him have them, if he will give no more, as hay is scarce, and their value is depreciating every day. He will be here to-morrow to look at them.'
"The next morning the Squire commenced with a big 'eye-opener,' followed by several of lesser magnitude, which, in their turn, were succeeded by numerous drinks.
"At dinner-time 'might have been seen' Squire Stone sprawling on a bed, 'drunk clean through.* Soon after dinner Mr. Lamb, the drover, called. Mrs. Stone told him the Squire was about the place somewhere, and if he would examine the cattle, perhaps the Squire would return (to consciousness I suppose she meant) by the time he was ready to trade. The drover repaired to the barn, and the wife to pinch and punch her lord and master into a state of consciousness. The drover waited until his patience was exhausted, and was about leaving, when Mrs. S. remarked that she had heard the Squire say that he might have the cattle for two hundred dollars, and if he chose to take them at that price he might pay her the money and drive them away. This paved the way for negotiation, and the upshot of the matter was that the lady received the one hundred and seventy-five dollars, and Mr. Lamb went away with the cattle. The Squire, waking up about sundown, took a drink and went to the barn. Missing the cattle, he returned to his spouse for ex
planation, which he received; and as he had not a high opinion of the abilities of women when exercised outside of their household affairs, was disappointed in the price received; and being vexed with himself for letting rum get the better of him, he berated the poor woman soundly, pouring out his wrath for her presumption in taking management of farm affairs, and winding up with these words: 'Mrs. Stone, I will thank you not to administer on my estate until I am dead.'
u The old lady, quietly raising her spectacles from her tear-moistened eye, said, in the most subdued voice imaginable, 'Squire Stone, I thought you was dead. You have been "laid out" all the afternoon !'"
"As old 'Down East' customer was in the store the other day, and I inquired the whereabouts of a man in the same line of business in a town adjoining his own—whether he had failed, run away, or what had become of him, etc. His reply was, 'Oh, he ain't failed; he is rich, and is just mean enough to be.' They tell a story about him, but I don't know whether it is true, or one of those newspaper yarns; at any rate, they all say it is true as gospel:
"When he began to dicker he had a horse and wagon, and went peddling all through the State— different sorts of notions — and was at that time courting a real pretty girl who lived with her uncle's family as help. One morning, as he was about to leave to be gone some time, he called at the house to bid Amanda good-by. She, with tears in her eyes, followed him to the door, feeling 'real sorry' he was going to be gone so long; and as ho was about to step on the wagon, said, 'Oh, Amasa! I wish I had something to give you to remember me by while you are away. Can't you think of any thing I have got that you would like to take?'
"'Well, yes,' said Amasa; 'I guess you might give me that five-dollar bill your uncle paid you last week. I should like that better than any thing else I can think on.'"
"Wirex I was a boy I had a playmate, Charlie, a noble-hearted little fellow, who did not inherit that
trait of character from his father. One rainy afternoon we were playing in the barn, when Charlie's father arrived home from a day's absence in the city. While unharnessing the horse Charlie's 'paternal' asked where the hens were. Charlie didn't know— guessed they had gone to roost.
"' Gone to roost!' cried old Squeezebags, in a terrible rage. 'Gone to roost at five o'clock in the afternoon, and you here playing! You go at once and scare them off, and drive them out of doors, or I'll '' roost" you! They can see to peck an hour yet!'
"Charlie left to obey orders, and I started for home."
The Nashville Christian Advocate says that one of the preachers was holding forth on looking not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. The preacher had occasion to use the words visible and invisible. "Now, brethren, "quoth he, "some of you may not understand these words. I will explain them to you." Stretching up at full length, with arms extended—"Doyou see me now? Y-e-s. Well, this is wible." Squatting down behind the pulpit—it was one of those old-time high ones—he cried out, de profundis, "See me nowr N-o. This is mvisible."
From the rapidly-growing Nebraska Territory an intelligent correspondent writes to the Drawer on this wise:
"I have just received from a friend in Denver City the following answer to a petition for a divorce, which is too good to be lost. I therefore send it to you for exposure to the admiring gaze of the funny world.
'' Last spring John Howard and his wife, Mary
E , left this city for the land of golden promise.
Pike's Peak. After arriving at Denver City, John left his lady and went up into the mountains. Mary not liking, probably, to be left alone, and John rather liking to be relieved of the cares of double blessedness, did not return. All of which—with, perhaps, some other provocation—was considered by the fair Mary as a just cause for a divorce. So she applied to the Chancery Court of Denver for a rrlease from the bonds of matrimony with the said
John. Judge D , who presides over that august
institution, ordered the publication of the petition to be made in the city papers, and also requiring the truant John to appear on a day named In the notice before the Honorable Court, and show cause, if any he had, why the said application for a divoree sheuld not be granted.
"John happened to see the paper containing the notice while ruralizing at Canon City, and at once set himself down to answer the petition, which he thus did: ,
..\r i- rin„^n 1 11'Auswer of deft, to plfTs.
j of Chancery, Denver City, JefJ ferson Territory. "1 To the Plaintiff in the above action. "' Whereas, having been cited through the public press of Denver to appear before one Judge D , of the aboveelected Court, to show cause why your prayer to be divorced from me should not be granted, I, the said defendant, take this opportunity to relieve you from all embarrassment in the matter, by sending you a quit-claim deed to all my right, title, and interest whatsoever in you, leaving a blank to be filled up by the name of the party by whom you may in future be claimed. Hoping you will fully appreciate my good feeling in the matter, I will proceed to give you the said promised quit-claim deed, as follows, to wit:
*"Know all men [and one womanl, by these presents, that I, John Howard, of Canon City, of the first part, do hereby grant, bargain, convey, and quit-claim all my right, title, and interest to the undivided whole of the ancient and unreal estate known as Mary E. Howard, the title to which I acquired by occupation, possession, and use, situated at present in the town of Denver, J. T., together with all the improvements made by me thereon and therein, with all the use, rents, profits, and appurtenances therein any wise appertaining unto; to B-—, of the
second part, to have and to hold unto the said B , so
long as he can keep her without recourse upon the indorser.
1 u In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and seal, this 24th day of January, A.d. 1861.
'1* Signed John Howard, [l. B.l
"* Signed in presence of A. Rudd, Clerk of Canon City, District Civil Court, per Wilber F. Stone, Deputy.'
"It is said that the answer and deed were satisfactory."
Everv one has heard and will remember how Tom Marshall was once engaged in a lawsuit before
a Magistrate, and a point of evidence being decided agaiust him he became slightly irritated, but with the blandest expression he could assume under the cireumstances, he said to the Magistrate,
"I wish your Worship would fine me five dollars for contempt of Court"
"The Court is not aware of any contempt, Mr. Marshall, for which you should be fined."
"Well, I feel a most profound contempt for this Court," responded Marshall, with that peculiar twitching of the facial nerves for which he is so remarkable. There was a roar of laughter from the crowd. And now for an imitation:
The other day a young lawyer of this county was employed to prosecute a man indicted for lareeny before a committing court composed of three magistrates. On hearing the testimony they refused to commit the prisoner to jail. Our lawyer, whose name is M'Kay, had heard the above aneedote of Marshall, and concluded to take revenge on the magistrates. He accordingly began the attack.
"I wish your Worships would fine me five dollars for contempt of Court."
"Why, Mr. M'Kay?"
"Because I feel a very decided contempt for the Court."
"Your contempt for the Court is not more decided than the Court's contempt for you," was the respouse of one of the magistrates.
This was a stinging retort, and Mac felt it; but another worshipful member of the Court—a dry, hard-looking old blacksmith—put in a blow that finished the work, and completely demolished the young lawyer:
"Wo mout fine you," he said, "but we don't know which one of us you'd want to bony the money from to pay it with."
The laugh was agaiust Mae. He was a notorious borrower when he could find a lender.