17

There was a competition for Parodies on "Excelsior" in Truth, fourteen parodies appeared on November 11, 1880, and the following week nine more were published, each consisting of five verses. The parody with the refrain, "That Thirty-four," which was selected as the prize winner, has already appeared in Part VI. of Parodies. A few of the others may be given here; the first evidently refers to Mr. Disraeli's entry into political life, when he was not favorably received:

THE tawny folds of London fog
Fell round the lamp-lit Court of Gog.
Clarions and toasts were loud within;
A weird cry mingled with the din-

"One blunder more!"

Forth from that glorified Guildhall
A griffin reeled with easy sprawl;

Through mire and midnight, floundering west
He hooted, like a brute possessed-

"One blunder more!"

"Halt!" cried the watchmen of St. Bride,

As hastily they edged aside.

"Try Scotland Yard!" a small boy said ; The answer came, from far ahead

"One blunder more!"

A pilgrim, under Street's new clock,
Beheld him climb the Temple block,
A chuckle through the darkness passed—
"This blessed night we've crowned at last
One blunder more!"

And when the morn broke, soft and fair,
Lifeless he stood, erect in air;
A stark and startling beast of brass,
Completing, in the Fleet-street pass

One blunder more!
GLEN JUNE.

At a recent sessions of the Uxbridge Court a gentleman pleaded guilty to riding on the footpath with a bi., and excused himself on the ground that the roads were very muddy. P.C. X. 20. proved the case, and a fine of 5s. was imposed.—Uxbridge Gazette.

THE shades of night were falling fast,
As thro' a local village pass'd

A youth, who rode a Rudge, once bright,
He cried, as onward sped his flight,
"What roads!"

His brow was sad, the road beneath
Resembled much dull Hounslow Heath,
And in a voice, just tinged with ire,
Cried as he still rode through the mire,
"What roads!"

In happy "pubs." he saw the light
Of Argand burners very bright,
Said he, "I'll stop and try a drink."
Mine host replied with knowing wink,
"What roads!"

"Try on the path," the landlord said,
"Our Robert's 'off,' e'en gone to bed."
“A good idea," the youth replied,
"And one that shall be quickly tried,
"What roads!"

"Oh! stay," the barmaid said, "and rest.

The wheelman answered, "Pray don't jest!"
I'll TRY the path, it can't be worse,
Which brings us to another verse.

What roads!

"Beware the stones that lie in heaps
"Beware the dog the farmer keeps."
The wheelist mounted. sped away,
And hailed the light of breaking day.
What roads!

Just then, X 20, on his track,
Stopp'd short the youth's career, alack!
In vain he pleads, "This isn't fair!"
X 20 takes him you know where.
What roads!

There in the Court with face quite ruddy
He urges that, "The roads were muddy."
Vain hope! The Chairman with a sob,
Murmur'd serenely, "Fined Five Bob!"
"What roads."

W. F. FIEld.

THE WAR BLACKSMITH.

UNDER its sulphurous canopy
Old Vulcan's smithy stands,

And Vulcan, grown a man-of-war,

Has so much on his hands,

That stocks run low, and files but show

War-orders and demands.

His Cyclops when he needed most,

Off every Cyclops ran;

For why should not a Cyclop do

As another working-man,

And take the time when trade is brisk

To insist on all he can ?

So every day, and all day long
Poor Vulcan's sweat must flow,
To'ling for Europe's sovereigns,
And still the orders grow

For breech-loaders, and armour-plates,
Steel-shot and chilled also.

With Chassepots for the EMPEROR
(O'er Dreyses they've the pull),
With Remingtons for Austria,

And Sniders for JOHN BULL,

Balls, Cochranes, Mountstorms, Henries,

His hands may well be full.

Meanwhile the EMPEROR writes to us,
And bids us be good boys:

It does one good to hear him preach,

And see how he enjoys

The shift of weights that trim the POWERS For Europe's equipoise.

Although the following parody is taken from an old Christmas annual, it is singularly à propos at the present time, when disgust is universally expressed at the costliness and uncertainty of our Legal system. Recent scandals have also greatly detracted from the confidence and respect which should be felt for the administrators of Justice :

THE LORD CHANCELLOR. (Loq.)
"WERE it once known that only right could win,
No villain then an action would begin ;
Did rogues not know how equal was their chance
With honest men's, false claims they'd not advance;
In short, were only simple justice done,

The special pleader's course were well-nigh run."

Song: The LORD CHANCELlor. Tune: "The Village Blacksmith." Under a stunted black elm tree

The Q.C.'s chambers are;

Q.C., a leading silk is he,

With name known near and far;

And the practice he's contrived to make
Is famous at the bar.

His wig is crisp, and soiled, and black—
That's where the ink once ran-

His eye is bright, and apt to roll,
'Tis his most favourite plan;

And he looks a jury in the face

As very few men can.

Week in, week out, from ten till four,

You can hear his language flow;

You can see him hitch his gown and swing
His arm with motion slow,

Like a ranter beating the Holy Book
With a downright thumping blow!
And country people up in town

Look in at the Law-court's door;
For they like to see the great Q.C.,
And hear his voice's roar;

And 'tis thought a bit of luck to catch
Him standing on the floor.

He sits on Sundays in his rooms,
And "tots" up his week's fees;
He thinks on those he hasn't earned,
And had no right to seize :

And much it makes his heart rejoice
As he turns over these.

He thinks of verdicts he has won,
By torture and by lies;
Of verdicts lost through his default
Thoughts will unbidden rise:
Through one a widow lost her all,
He seems to hear her sighs.
Toiling speechmaking-circuiting,
Onward through life he goes;
Each evening sees some briefs begun,
How many? goodness knows!
Something attempted, some one done,"
He's earned a night's repose.
Thanks, thanks to thee, my legal friend,
For the lesson thou hast taught !
That fortune quickly comes to one
Who does what he " didn't ought;"
And that taking fees for work not done
Is a very "happy thought.".

66

Finis (Beeton's Christmas Annual, 1877.)

In a recent trial for libel brought against the son of the Lord Chief Justice, the plaintiff had to conduct his case in person, and was subjected to continual interruptions, and hostile remarks from the bench. This conduct on the part of the judge, Mr. Justice Manisty, was even more noticeable than his contemptuous treatment of the verdict of the jury, and the following parody of a Law Report (which appeared in the Pall Mall Gazette, November 25, 1884)-is really but a mild exaggeration of the actual proceedings:

TRIAL BY JURY IN 1884.

THE libel case of -versus- was tried in the Court of, before Mr. Justice Manifest. The plaintiff conducted his own case; the defendant was represented by his counsel, a great legal luminary, and several of the most prominent names at the bar. The defendant is the son of a person high placed in the legal world, and is himself a barrister. The plaintiff is, vernacularly speaking, "the deuce knows who." The alleged libel is contained in a letter written by the defendant to a widow lady (his great aunt by marriage), who wished to ally herself by marriage to the plaintiff.

The plaintiff was proceeding to open his own case, when the judge asked him why he was not properly represented by professional counsel, after the manner of a gentleman, and warned him that such an omission was likely to tell against him in the gravest manner.

Plaintiff: May it please your lordship, I am a poor man, and cannot well afford

Mr. Justice Manifest: The question of your means is wholly irrelevant. I must request you to keep strictly to the matter in hand.

Plaintiff My other reason was that I feared no member of your respected profession would be quite whole-hearted in conducting my case, in view of who the defendant is. (Groans from the members of the Bar present.)

The great legal luminary: I protest against the plaintiff's speech as an insult to the entire profession, including your lordship.

Mr. Justice Manifest condoled warmly with the outraged feelings of the legal gentlemen present, but urged them to allow the plaintiff to proceed; as by so doing he would best reveal to the jury the manner of man he was.

Plaintiff With the permission of the court, I will first read the letter.

The great legal luminary objected to this, as unnecessarily wounding to the feelings of the defendant's eminent family.

Plaintiff humbly submitted to the court that unless he were allowed to produce the letter it would be difficult for the jury to decide whether it were a libel or not. Mr. Justice Manifest begged the great legal luminary to allow the letter to be read as a personal favour to himself. The great legal luminary consenting, the plaintiff read the letter, which was as follows :-"My dear Aunt,-It is with sincere regret that I see myself forced to point out to you the true character of the unprincipled scoundrel you are thinking of marrying. Should you be surprised to hear that he is a professed atheist? Should you be surprised to hear that he has been three times married already, and that one of these marriages took place while the former wife was still alive? Should you be surprised to hear that many excellent people suspect him of having made away with his last wife, though the murder has never been brought home to him? Should you be surprised to hear that he has on several occasions embezzled large sums of money? Should you be surprised to hear that he is a convicted felon? Should you be surprised to hear that he has a daughter in the workhouse?" At this point the reading of the letter was interrupted by the great legal luminary, who said that the remainder of it had no bearing on the case.

The plaintiff apologised and continued: The defendant refused either to withdraw or substantiate his charges.

Mr. Justice Manifest: Quite right too. (Loud cheering.) The plaintiff next called witnesses to speak to his character and disprove the charges contained in the letter which the defendant acknowledged having written, and refused to withdraw.

The Rev. Lord Bishop of

--was sworn, and in answer to questions said he had known the plaintiff from a boy, and that he had always borne the highest character.

Several other reverend gentlemen, of whose congregations the plaintiff had at various times been a prominent member, were called, and deposed to the same effect-namely, that he was a man against whom there had never been a breath of even ordinary scandal. Also that he was of a most edifying piety.

Plaintiff Would it have been possible that such facts as my having murdered my wife, embezzled money, been a convicted felon, &c., could have remained unknown to you during the time I was a member of your congregations?

The Reverend Gentlemen; "Quite impossible." Plaintiff then produced evidence that the period during which he had sat under the various reverend gentlemen extended over his whole life, from the age of eighteen to the present day.

Mr. Justice Manifest asked the great legal luminary if he did not wish to cross-examine the witnesses.-Great legal luminary: "No, my lord, I have no questions to ask."

Mr. Justice Manifest thanked him for so considerately saving the time of the court.

The plaintiff next called witnesses to prove that he had only been once married, that he had lived in great peace and harmony with his late wife, that she had died a natural death, that he had sincerely mourned her, that he had always supported his daughter honourably, and as well as his small means would allow.

The great legal luminary scornfully refused to crossexamine any of the witnesses.

The plaintiff then declared his case closed.
Mr. Justice Manifest: And high time too.

The great legal luminary then opened the case for the defence: My lord I do not mean to waste the valuable time of the court, already so mercilessly squandered by the plaintiff. My client, acting on my advice, has considerately refused to appear in the witness-box, or to call any witnesses. I shall not soil myself by attempting to set aside any of the evidence the plaintiff has thought fit so tediously to inflict upon the patience of the court. The fact that a man is obliged to call such evidence to his personal character is, I should hope, sufficiently significant to all right-thinking and unprejudiced minds. The law of libel is happily clear and concise, and is known to all. That the position occupied by the defendant's family could in any way influence the judgment of the court, which, monstrous as it may seem, the plaintiff has not hesitated to imply, is a supposition I need not even repudiate. My lord, I have done.

Mr. Justice Manifest: I cannot sufficiently express my admiration for the moderation with which the counsel for the defence has expressed himself, or my regret that such a case should have been brought into court at all. The jury must now consider carefully whether such a letter, written confidentially by one member of a family to another, can in any sense of the word be rightly called a libel, or whether the whole thing is not a base conspiracy to annoy a family of high position, and degrade the law. For my own part my mind is quite made up, and though I have the highest opinion of juries and their decisions, I must warn the jury that in the extremely improbable event of their disagreeing

with me, I shall reserve to myself the right of setting aside their decision.

The jury, without retiring, consulted for a few moments, when the foreman said: My lord, we are unanimously agreed.

Mr. Justice Manifest: I was sure you would be; and your verdict is?

The Foreman: We find unhesitatingly for the plaintiff. Mr. Justice Manifest (with withering sarcasm): Oh, do you? Then may I ask at what you fix the damages?

The Foreman (after a brief consultation with the other jurors): At £2,000, my lord.

Mr. Justice Manifest: I have no hesitation in overruling the decision of the jury, and have much pleasure in deciding that the court finds for the defendant with costs.

Week after week, morn, noon, and night,

You could see him rushing round

The cricket-field the club had hired

For an impromptu training-ground;

You could hear his back wheel clump and clatter,
Although with wire bound!

The loafers and cadgers of the place :
Crowd round the open gate:

They love to watch him wheeling round
Like some pursuing Fate;

To count each gasp, to cheer each spurt,
And fill with pride his pate!

He goes on Sunday to the church,
And sits among his pals:

Receiving homage from each youth,
And winking at the gals!

Makes weak attempts to "mash” 'em, and
Criticises their "fal-lals !"

He sleeps--dreams-hears his trainer's voice Telling him when to "stick it on!" Remembers that he'll ride no more

When the cold earth lays his chest upon!
Waking, he checks a deep, loud snore,
And finds his "mashes" homeward gone!

Training-perspiring-grinding:
Onward through life he goes
Each evening sees a mile begun,
2m. 5os. sees it close!

Something attempted, something done,
Has gained a broken nose !

THIS is the Forest of St. John. The murmuring pines and the hemlocks,

Bearded with moss and with lichens, have nothing to do with this Forest.

Here 'stead of pines there are lamp-posts; and 'stead of the hemlocks, post-pillars;

And as for the moss and the lichens, there's dust and there's slush in their places.

This is the Forest of St. John-but here are no beasts save cab-horses;

Birds, though-soiled doves as some call them--roost pretty thick in its villas.

Sooth 'tis a forest, say some, where one may find lots of dears-talking.'

66

amongst it;

Blue though her eyes as the ocean, jet black her brows and her lashes;

Soft was the bloom on her cheeks as the delicate blush upon peaches;

Seeing her smile, teeth and lips seemed like pearls set in pinkest of coral;

Snow in her bosom had melted, despairing to rival its whiteness;

Taper and lithe were her fingers, each with its pink pearlshell helmet ;

Lightly had Time run the wheels of his chariot over her forehead,

Never a rut had they made, for the road was like white alabaster,

All this I saw and still more, though I am not a little short-sighted,

When at a morning performance by chance I happened to meet her.