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Why, what's the matter with it, Mr. Easy ?" “ The matter affects me as well as the boy. Nicodemus is a long name to write at full length, and Nick is vulgar.. Besides, as there will be two Nicks, they will naturally call my boy young Nick, and of course I shall be styled old Nick, which will be diabolical."
“ Well, Mr. Easy, at all events then let me choose the name."
“ That you shall, my dear, and it was with this view that I have mentioned the subject so early.”
“ I think, Mr. Easy, I will call the boy after my poor father-his name shall be Robert.”
“ Very well, my dear, if you wish it, it shall be Robert. You shall have your own way. But I think, my dear, upon a little consideration, you will acknowledge that there is a decided objection." .
“ An objection, Mr. Easy ?”
“ Yes, my dear; Robert may be very well, but you must reflect upon the consequences; he is certain to be called Bob."
“ Well, my dear, and suppose they do call him Bob ?” “ I cannot bear even the supposition, my dear. You forget the county in which we are residing, the downs covered with sheep."
“ Why, Mr. Easy, what can sheep have to do with a christian
• There it is ; women never look to consequences. My dear, they have a great deal to do with the name of Bob. I will appeal to any farmer in the county, if ninety-nine shepherds' dogs out of one hun. dred are not called Bob. Now observe, your child is out of doors somewhere in the fields or plantations ; you want and you call him. Instead of your child, what do you find? Why, a dozen curs at least who come running up to you, all answering to the name of Bob, and wagging their stumps of tails. You see, Mrs. Easy, it is a dilemma not to be got over. You level your only son to the brute creation, by giving him a christian name which, from its peculiar brevity, has been monopolized by all the dogs in the county. Any other name you please, my dear, but in this one instance you must allow me to lay my positive veto."
'“ Well, then, let me see—but I'll think of it, Mr. Easy; my head aches very much just now.”
“ I will think for you, my dear. What do you say to John?" “ O no! Mr. Easy, such a common name.
“ A proof of its popularity, my dear. It is scriptural—we have the apostle and the baptist-we have a dozen popes who were all Johns. It is royal—we have plenty of kings who were Johns-and moreover, it is short, and sounds honest and manly."
“ Yes, very true, my dear; but they will call him Jack.”
“ Well, we have had several celebrated characters who were Jacks. There was- let me see-Jack the Giant Killer, and Jack of the Bean Stalk-and Jack-Jack ”.
“ Jack Spratt,” replied Mrs. Easy.
“ And Jack Cade, Mrs. Easy, the great rebel-and Three-fingered Jack, Mrs. Easy, the celebrated negro--and, above all, Jack Falstaff, ma'am, Jack Falstaff, --honest Jack Falstaff,—witty Jack Falstaff-"
“ I thought, Mr. Easy, that I was to be permitted to choose the name."
“Well, so you shall, my dear; I give it up to you. Do just as you please; but depend upon it John is the right name. Is it not now, my dear ?"
“ It's the way you always treat me, Mr. Easy; you say that you give it up, and that I shall have my own way, but I never do have it. I am sure that the child will be christened John."
“ Nay, my dear, it shall be just what you please. Now I recollect it, there were several Greek emperors who were Johns; but decide for yourself, my dear.”
“ No, no," replied Mrs. Easy, who was ill, and unable to contend any longer, “I give it up, Mr. Easy. I know how it will be, as it always is, you give me my own way as people give pieces of gold to children, it's their own money, but they must not spend it. Pray call him John.”
“ There, my dear, did not I tell you, you would be of my opinion upon reflection? I knew you would. I have given you your own way, and you tell me to call him John; so now we're both of the same mind, and that point is settled.”
“ I should like to go to sleep, Mr. Easy; I feel far from well.” .
“ You shall always do just as you like, my dear," replied the husband, “and have your own way in every thing. It is the greatest pleasure I have when I yield to your wishes. I will walk in the garden. Good-bye, my dear.”
Mrs. Easy made no reply, and the philosopher quitted the room. As may easily be imagined, on the following day the boy was christened John
In which our hero has to wait the issue of an argument. The reader may observe that, in general, all my first chapters are very short, and increase in length as the work advances. I mention this as a proof of my modesty and diffidence. At first, I am like a young bird just out of its mother's nest, pluming my little feathers and taking short flights. By degrees, I obtain more confidence, and wing my course over hill and dale. '
It is very difficult to throw any interest into a chapter on childhood. There is the same uniformity in all children until they develope. We cannot, therefore, say much relative to Jack Easy's earliest days; he sucked and threw up his milk, while the nurse blessed it for a pretty dear, slept, and sucked again. He crowed in the morning like a cock, screamed when he was washed, stared at the candle, and made wry faces with the wind. Six months passed in these innocent amusements, and then he was put into shorts. But I ought here to have remarked that Mrs. Easy did not find herself equal to nursing her own infant, and it was necessary to look out for a substitute.
Now a common-place person would have been satisfied with the recommendation of the medical man, who looks but to the one thing needful, which is a sufficient and wholesome supply of nourishment for the child ; but Mr. Easy was a philosopher, and had latterly taken to craniology, and he descanted very learnedly with the doctor upon the effect of his only son obtaining his nutriment from an unknown source. “Who knows,” observed Mr. Easy, “but that my son may not imbibe with his milk the very worst passions of human nature ?"
"I have examined her," replied the doctor, “ and can safely recommend her.”
“ That examination is only preliminary to one more important," replied Mr. Easy. “ I must examine her.”
« Examine who, Mr. Easy ?" exclaimed his wife, who had laid down again on the bed.
“ The nurse, my dear.”
“ Her head, my dear,” replied the husband. “I must ascertain what her propensities are."
“I think you had better leave her alone, Mr. Easy. She comes this evening, and I shall question her pretty severely. Doctor Middleton, what do you know about this young person ?"
“ I know, madam, that she is very healthy and strong, or I should not have selected her.”
“ But is her character good ?”
“ Really, madam, I know little about her character ; but you can make any inquiries you please. At the same time I ought to observe, that if you are too particular in that point, you will have some difficulty in providing yourself.”
“Well, I shall see," replied Mrs. Easy.
This parleying was interrupted by the arrival of the very person in question, who was announced by the housemaid, and was ushered in. She was a handsome, florid, healthy-looking girl, awkward and naive in her manner, and apparently not over wise, there was more of the dove than of the serpent in her composition.
Mr. Easy, who was very anxious to make his own discoveries, was the first who spoke. “ Young woman, come this way, I wish to examine your head.”
“ Oh! dear me, sir, it's quite clean, I assure you,” cried the girl, dropping a curtsey.
Doctor Middleton, who sat between the bed and Mr. Easy's chair, rubbed his hands and laughed.
In the mean time, Mr. Easy had untied the string and taken off the cap of the young woman, and was very busy putting his fingers through her hair, during which the face of the young woman expressed fear and astonishment.
“I am very glad to perceive that you have a large portion of benevolence."
“ Yes,” replied the young woman, dropping a curtsey.
“ That's quite a new organ,” thought Dr. Middleton. . 6 Philo-progenitiveness very powerful."
“ If you please, sir, I don't know what that is," answered Sarah with a curtsey.
“ Nevertheless you have given us a practical illustration. Mrs. Easy, I am satisfied. Have you any questions to ask ? But it is quite unnecessary.”
“ To be sure I have, Mr. Easy. Pray, young woman, what is your name?”
“ Sarah, if you please, ma'am.”
“ If you please, ma'am, I had a 'misfortune, ma'am,” replied the girl, casting down her eyes.
“ What, have you not been married ?”.
“ Good heavens ! Dr. Middleton, what can you mean by bringing this person here?” exclaimed Mrs. Easy. “ Not a married woman, and she has a child !”.
“ If you please, ma’am,” interrupted the young woman, dropping a curtsey, “it was a very little one.
“A very little one!" exclaimed Mrs. Easy
“ Oh, Doctor Middleton 1- what could you mean, Doctor Middleton ?"
“My dear madam," exclaimed the Doctor, rising from his chair, “ this is the only person that I could find suited to the wants of your child, and if you do not take her, I cannot answer for its life. It is true that a married woman might be procured; but married women who have a proper feeling, will not desert their own children; and as Mr. Easy asserts, and you appear to imagine, the temper and disposition of your child may be affected by the nourishment it receives, I think it more likely to be injured by the milk of a married woman, who will desert her own child for the sake of gain. The misfortune which has happened to this young woman is not always a proof of a bad heart, but of strong attachment, and the overweening confidence of simplicity.”
“ You are correct, Doctor," replied Mr. Easy, “ and her head proves that she is a modest young woman, with strong religious feelings, kindness of disposition, and every other requisite.”
“ The head may prove it all for what I know, Mr. Easy, but her conduct tells another tale."
“ She is well fitted for the situation, ma'am," continued the Doctor.
" And if you please, ma'am,” rejoined Sarah, “it was such a little one."
“ Shall I try the baby, ma'am ?” said the monthly nurse, who had listened in silence. “It is fretting so, poor thing, and has its dear little fist right down its throat.”
Dr. Middleton gave the signal of assent, and in a few seconds Master John Easy was fixed to Sarah as tight as a leech.
“Lord love it, how hungry it is there, there, stop it a moment, it's choking, poor thing !"
Mrs. Easy, who was lying on her bed, rose up, and went to the child. Her first feeling was that of envy, that another should have such a pleasure which was denied to herself; the next that of delight, at the satisfaction expressed by the infant. In a few minutes the child fell back in a deep sleep. Mrs. Easy was satisfied; maternal feelings conquered all others, and Sarah was duly installed.
To make short work of it, we have said that Jack Easy in six months was in shorts. He soon afterwards began to crawl and show his legs ; indeed so indecorously, that it was evident that he had imbibed no modesty with Sarah's milk, neither did he appear to have gained veneration or benevolence, for he snatched at everything, squeezed the kitten to death, scratched his mother, and pulled his father by the hair : notwithstanding all which, both his father and mother and the whole household declared him to be the finest and sweetest child in the universe. But if we were to narrate all the wonderful events of Jack's childhood from the time of his birth up to the age of seven years, as chronicled by Sarah, who continued his dry nurse after he had been weaned, it would take at least three volumes folio. Jack was brought up in the way that every only child usually is-that is, he was allowed to have his own way.
In which the Doctor prescribes going to school as a remedy for a cut finger.
“ Have you no idea of putting the boy to school, Mrs. Easy?" said Dr. Middleton, who had been summoned by a groom with his horse in a foam to attend immediately at Forest Hill, the name of Mr. Easy's mansion, and who, upon his arrival, had found that Master Easy had cut his thumb. One would have thought that he had cut his head off by the agitation pervading the whole household,—Mr. Easy walking up and down very uneasy, Mrs. Easy with great difficulty prevented from syncope, and all the maids bustling and passing round Mrs. Easy's chair. Everybody appeared excited except Master Jack Easy himself, who, with a rag round his finger, and his pinafore spotted with blood, was playing at bob-cherry, and cared nothing about the matter.
“Well, what's the matter, my little man ?” said Dr. Middleton, on entering, addressing himself to Jack, as the most sensible of the whole party.
“Oh, Dr. Middleton," interrupted Mrs. Easy, “he has cut his hand; I'm sure that a nerve is divided, and then the lockjaw- "
The Doctor made no reply, but examined the finger : Jack Easy continued to play bob-cherry with his right hand.
“ Have you such a thing as a piece of sticking-plaster in the house, madam ?” observed the Doctor, after examination.
“O yes :-run, Mary-run, Sarah !” In a few seconds the maids appeared, Sarah bringing the sticking-plaster, and Mary following with the scissors.