ing beverage, "never drank nuffin' but tea, eben at de big dinners when all de gemmen had coffee in de little cups -dat's one ob 'em you's drinkin' out ob now; dey ain't mo' 'an fo' on 'em left. Old marsa would have his pot of tea. Henny useter make it for him; makes it now for Miss Nancy. "Henny was a young gal den, long 'fo' we was married. Henny b'longed to Colonel Lloyd Barbour, on de next plantation to ourn. "Mo' coffee, Major?" I handed Chad the empty cup. He refilled it, and went straight on without drawing breath. "Wust scrape I eber got into wid old Marsa John was ober Henny. I tell ye she was a harricane in dem days. She come into de kitchen one time where I was helpin' git de dinner ready an' de cook had gone to de spring-house, an' she says: "Chad, what ye cookin' dat smells so nice?? "Dat's a goose,' I says, 'cookin' for Marsa John's dinner. We got quality,' says I, pintin' to de dinin'-room do'. "Quality!' she says. 'Spec' I know what de quality is. Dat's for you and de cook.' "Wid dat she grabs a caarvin' knife from de table, opens de do' ob de big oven, cuts off a leg ob de goose, an' dis'pears round de kitchen corner wid de leg in her mouf. "'Fo' I knowed whar I was Marsa John come to de kitchen do' an' says, 'Gittin' late, Chad; bring in de dinner.' You see, Major, dey ain't no up an' down-stairs in de big house, like it is yer; kitchen an' dinin'-room all on de same flo'. "Well, sah, I was scared to def, but I tuk dat goose an' laid him wid de cut side down on de bottom of de pan 'fo' de cook got back, put some dressin' an' stuffin' ober him, an' shet de stove do'. Den I tuk de sweet potatoes an' de hominy an' put 'em on de table, an' den I went back in de kitchen to git de baked ham. I put on de ham an' some mo' dishes, an' marsa says, lookin' up: "I t'ought dere was a roast goose, Chad?' "I ain't yerd nothin' 'bout no goose,' I says. 'I'll ask de cook.' "Next minute I hyerd old marsa a-hollerin: "Mammy Jane, ain't we got a goose?' "Lord-a-massy! yes, marsa. you tuk dat goose out yit?' ain't "Is we got a goose?' said I. Chad, you wu'thless nigger, "Is we got a goose? Didn't you help pick it?' "I see whar my hair was short, an' I snatched up a hot dish from de hearth, opened de oven do', an' slide de goose in jes as he was, an' lay him down befo' Marsa John. 666 Now see what de ladies 'll have for dinner,' says ole marsa, pickin' up his carvin' knife. "What'll you take for dinner, Miss?' says I. 'Baked ham?' 666 No,' says she, lookin' up to whar Marsa John sat. 'I think I'll take a leg ob dat goose.' "Well, marsa cut off de leg an' put a little stuffin' an' gravy on wid a spoon, an' says to me, 'Chad, see what dat gemman 'll have.' "What'll you take for dinner, sah?' says I. 'Nice breast o' goose, or slice o' ham?' "No; I think I'll take a leg ob dat goose.' "I didn't say nuffin', but I knowed bery well he wa'n't a-gwine to git it. But you oughter seen ole marsa lookin' for de udder leg ob dat goose! He rolled him ober on de dish, dis way an' dat way, an' den he jabbed dat ole bone-handled carvin' fork in him an' hel' him up ober de dish, an' looked under him an' on top ob him, an' den he says, kinder sad like: 666 Chad, whar is de udder leg ob dat goose?' "It didn't hab none,' says I. "You mean to say dat de gooses on my plantation on'y got one leg?' "Some ob 'em has an' some ob 'em ain't. You see, marsa, we got two kinds in de pond, an' we was a little hurried to-day, so Mammy Jane cooked dis one 'cause I cotched it fust.' "Well,' said he, 'I'll settle wid ye after dinner.' "Well, dar I was shiverin' an' shakin' in my shoes, an' droppin' gravy, an' spillin' de wine on de table-cloth, I was dat shuck up; an' when de dinner was ober he calls all de ladies an' gemmen, an' says, 'Now come down to de duck-pond. I'm gwine ter show dis nigger dat all de gooses on my plantation got mo' den one leg.' "I followed 'long, trapesin' after de whole kit an' b'ilin', an' when we got to de pond". - here Chad nearly went into a convulsion with suppressed laughter"dar was de gooses sittin' on a log in de middle of dat ole green goose-pond wid one leg stuck down SO an' de udder tucked under de wing." Chad was now on one leg, balancing himself by my chair, the tears running down his cheeks. “Dar, marsa,' says I, 'don't ye see? Look at dat ole gray goose! Dat's de berry match ob de one we had to-day.' "Den de ladies all hollered an' de gemmen laughed so loud dey hyerd 'em at de big house. "Stop, you black scoun'rel!' Marsa John says, his face gittin' white an' he a-jerkin' his handkerchief from his pocket. 'Shoo!' "Major, I hope to have my brains kicked out by a lame grasshopper if ebery one ob dem gooses didn't put down de udder leg! "Now, you lyin' nigger,' he says, raisin' his cane ober my head, 'I'll show you.' "Stop, Marsa John!' I hollered; "tain't fair, 'tain't fair.' "Why ain't it fair?' says he. ""'Cause,' says I, 'you didn't say "Shoo!" to de goose what was on de table.'" "And did he thrash you?" "Marsa John? No, sah! He laughed loud as anybody; an' den dat night he says to me as I was puttin' some wood on de fire, 'Chad, where did dat leg go?' An' so I ups an' tells him all about Henny, an' how I was 'fraid the gal would git whipped, an' how she was on'y a-foolin', thinkin' it was my goose; an' den old marsa look in de fire a long time, an' den he says: 'Dat's Colonel Barbour's Henny, ain't it, Chad?' "Yes, marsa,' says I. “Well, de nex' mawnin' Marse John had his black hoss saddled, an' I held de stir'up fur him to git on, an' he rode ober to de Barbour plantation an' didn't come back till plumb black night. When he come up I held de lantern so I could see his face, for I wa'n't easy in my mind all day; but it was all bright an' shinin' same as a' angel's. 666 'Chad,' he says, handin' me de bridle reins, 'I bought yo' Henny dis evenin' from Colonel Barbour, she's comin' ober to-morrow, an' you can bofe git married next Sunday.' THE PESSIMIST1 BEN F. KING Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food, Nothing to wear but clothes To keep one from going nude. Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash 'tis gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on. Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep but in bed, 1 By permission of the author and Forbes & Co., publishers. Nothing to weep but tears, Nothing to sing but songs, Ah, well, alas! alack! Nowhere to go but out, Nowhere to come but back. Nothing to see but sights, Nothing to quench but thirst, Nothing to strike but a gait; Everything moves that goes. Nothing at all but common sense Can ever withstand these woes. SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH ANONYMOUS I vant to dold you vat it is, dot's a putty nice play. De first dime dot you see Leah, she runs cross a pridge, mit some fellers chasin' her mit putty big shticks. Dey ketch her right in de middle of der edge, und der leader (dot's de villen), he sez of her, "Dot it's better ven she dies, und dot he coodent allow it dot she can lif." Und de oder fellers hollers out, "So ve vill;" "Gife her some deth;" "Kill her putty quick;" "Shmack her of der jaw," und such dings; und chust as dey vill kill her, de priest says of dem, "Don'd you do dot," und dey shtop dot putty quick. In der nexd seen, dot Leah meets Rudolph (dot's her feller) in de voods. Before dot he comes in, she sits of de bottom of a cross, und she don'd look pooty lifely, und she says, "Rudolph, how is dot, dot you don'd come und see |