To bring that hour, alas! time briskly fled: Away they went, And now behold them at a patient's bed. The master-doctor solemnly perused His victim's face, and o'er his symptoms mused; Then felt his pulse and smelt his cane, And briefly of his corps performed each motion; Before the fell discharge of pill and potion. At length the patient's wife he thus address'd: "Madam, your husband's danger 's great, "And (what will never his complaint abate) "The man's been eating oysters, I perceive." "Dear! you 're a witch, I verily believe," Madam replied, and to the truth confessed. Skill so prodigious Bobby too admired, How these same oysters came into his head? "I saw the shells lie underneath the bed." So wise by such a lesson grown, And to the self-same sufferer paid his courtBut soon, with haste and wonder out of breath, Returned the stripling minister of Death, And to his master made this dread report: Why, Sir, we ne'er can keep that patient under, "Zounds! such a maw I never came across! "The fellow must be dying, and no wonder, "For hang me if he hasn't eat a horse!" A horse!" the elder man of physic cried, As if he meant his pupil to deride How came so wild a notion in your head!" How! think not in my duty I was idle, "Like you, I took a peep beneath the bed, And there I saw a saddle and a bridle." ANON. THE FARMER AND THE COUNSELLOR. (From "Gaieties and Gravities.") A COUNSEL in the "Common Pleas," In bullying, bantering, browbeating, So having tipped the wink to those Who kept their laughter bottled down, And went to work. "Well, Farmer Numskull, how go calves at York?" "Why-not, sir, as they do wi' you; "But on four legs instead of two:" "Officer!" cried the legal elf, Piqued at the laugh against himself, "Do pray keep silence down below there! "Our rustic waggish is, and quite laconic," “I wish I had known this prodigy, This genius of the clods, when I On circuit was at York residing. Now, farmer, do for once speak true, "Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you Who doubtless think yourself so clever, "Are there as many fools as ever "Why no, sir, no! we've got our share, HORACE SMITH. THE FARMER'S WIFE, AND THE GASCON. At Neufchâtel, in France, where they prepare There dwelt a farmer's wife, famed for her rare Where they were made they sold for the immense But as salt water made their charms increase, This damsel had to help her in the farm, And such a glutton when you came to feed him, That Wantley's dragon, who ate barns and churches As if they were geese and turkeys, (Vide the ballad), scarcely could exceed him. One morn she had prepared a monstrous bowl And would'nt go to church (good careful soul!) So she gave strict injunctions to the Gascon Which, if they got, Like my Lord Salisbury, he heaved a sigh, How I do envy you your lot!" Each moment did his appetite grow stronger; At length he could not bear it any longer, But on all sides his looks he turned, And finding that the coast was clear, he quaff'd Scudding from church, the farmer's wife But stood aghast, and could not for her life, One sentence mutter, Until she summoned breath enough to utter "Holy St. Mary!" And shortly, with a face of scarlet, The vixen (for she was a vixen), flew Upon the varlet, Asking the when, and where, and how, and who, Had gulped her cream, nor left an atom; "The flies, you rogue! the flies, you guttling dog! "I'll make you tell another story quickly." So out she bounced, and brought with loud alarms, Who bore him to the judge-a little prig Like a red cabbage rose, While lots of white ones flourished on his wig. He turned to the delinquent, And 'gan to question him and catechise Still the same dogged answers rise; 'The flies, my lord, the flies, the flies!" "Psha!" quoth the judge, half peevish and half pompous, Why you're non compos. "You should have watched the bowl as she desired, 66 And killed the flies, you stupid clown." What, is it lawful then," the dolt inquired, 'To kill the flies in this here town?" 'The man 's an ass-a pretty question this! "You 've my authority where'er you meet 'em, 66 66 If yonder blue-bottle (I know his face), Is'nt the very leader of the gang That stole the cream; let me come near it!" And aiming one of his sledge-hammer blows And gratified a double grudge; For the same catapult completely smashed HORACE SMITH. |