« PreviousContinue »
designs shortly to publish a new edition of only the present instant, and do not taste Diogenes Laertius, to add this treatise of even that. When one of this order hapmine by way of supplement; I shall now, pens to be a man of fortune, the expense to let the world see what may be expected of his time is transferred to his coach and from me (first begging Mr. Spectator's horses, and his life is to be measured by leave that the world may see it) briefly their motion, not his own enjoyments or touch upon some of my chief observations, sufferings. The chief entertainment one and then subscribe myself your humble of these philosophers can possibly propose servant. In the first place I shall give you to himself
, is to get a relish of dress. This, two or three of their maxims: the funda- methinks, might diversify the person he is mental one, upon which their whole system weary of (his own dear self) to himself. I is built, is this, viz. «That time being an have known these two amusements make implacable enemy to, and destroyer of all one of these philosophers make a very things, ought to be paid in his own coin, tolerable figure in the world; with variety and be destroyed and murdered without of dresses in public assemblies in town, mercy, by all the ways that can be invent- and quick motion of his horses out of it; ed.? "Another favourite saying of theirs is, now to Bath, now to Tunbridge, then to • That business was only designed for Newmarket, and then to London, he has knaves, and study for Úlockheads.' A in process of time brought it to pass, that third seems to be a ludicrous one, but has his coach and his horses have been mena great effect upon their lives; and is this, tioned in all those places. When the loun•That the devil is at home.' Now for their gers leave an academic life, and instead of manner of living: and here I have a large this more elegant way of appearing in the field to expatiate in; but I shall reserve polite world, retire to the seats of their anparticulars for my intended discourse, and cestors, they usually join a pack of dogs, now only mention one or two of their and employ their days in defending their principal exercises. The elder proficients poultry from foxes; 'I do not know any employ themselves in inspecting mores ho- other method that any of this order have minum multorum, in getting acquainted ever taken to make a noise in the world; with all the signs and windows in the town. but I shall enquire into such about this Some are arrived to so great a knowledge, town as have arrived at the dignity of being that they can tell every time any butcher loungers by the force of natural parts, kills a calf, every time an old woman's cat without having ever seen a university; and is in the straw; and a thousand other mat- send my correspondent for the embellishters as important. One ancient philosopher ment of his book, the names and history contemplates two or three hours every day of those who pass their lives without any over a sun-dial; and is true to the dial, incidents at all; and how they shift coffee
houses and chocolate-houses from hour to Although it be not shone upon."
hour, to get over the insupportable labour Our younger students are content to carry
of doing nothing. their speculations as yet no farther than bowling-greens, billiard-tables, and such like places. This may serve for a sketch No. 55.] Thursday, May 3, 1711. of my design; in which I hope I shall have
-Intus et in jecore ægro your encouragement. I am, Sir, yours.'
Our passions play the tyrant in our breasts. I must be so just as to observe I have formerly seen of this sect at our other univer
Most of the trades, professions, and sity; though not distinguished by the ap- original either from the love of pleasure or
ways of living among mankind, take their pellation which the learned historian, my the fear of want. The former, when it correspondent, reports they bear at Cam- becomes too violent, degenerates into luxubridge. They were ever looked upon as a people that impaired themselves more by ry, and the latter into avarice. As these order, than any other students whatever. ways, Persius has given us a very humourOthers seldom hurt themselves any further
ous account of a young fellow who was
roused out of his bed in order to be sent than to gain weak eyes, and sometimes upon a long voyage, by Avarice, and afterheadaches; but these philosophers are wards overpersuaded and kept at home seized all over with a general inability, in- by Luxury. I shall set down the pleadings dolence, and weariness, and a certain impa- of these two imaginary persons, as they are tience of the place they are in, with a hea in the original, with Mr. Dryden's transviness in removing to another.
lation of them: The loungers are satisfied with being merely part of the number of mankind, Mane, piger, stertis : surge, inquit Avaritia; eja
Surge. Negas, instat, surge, inquit. Non queo. Surge. without clistinguishing themselves from
Et quid agam? Rogitas ? sa perdas advehe ponto, amongst them. They may be said rather Castoreum, stuppas, ebenum, thus, lubrica Coa. to suffer their time to pass than to spend it,
Tolle recens primus piper e sitiente camelo. without regard to the past, or prospect of
Verte aliquid; jura. Sed Jupiter audiet. Eheu!
Baro, regustatum digito terebrare salinum the future. All they know of this life is Contentus perages, si vivere cum Jove tendir.
As the dial to the sun,
Pers. Sat. v. 120.
Jam pueria pellem guccinctus, et enophorum aptas; and prosperity. At such times men natur-
ally endeavour to outshine one another in Seductam moneat; Quo deinde insane ruis? Quo? pomp and splendour, and having no fears to Quid tibi vis? Calido sub pectore mascula bilis
alarm them from abroad, indulge themIntumuit, quam non extinderit urna cicutæ ? Tua' mare transilias? Tibi torta cannabe fulto
selves in the enjoyment of all the pleaCæna sit in transtro? Veientanumque rubellum sures they can get into their possession; Exhalet rapida læsum pice sessilis obba ? Qaid petis : Ut nummi, quos hic quincunce modesto an immoderate pursuit after wealth and
which naturally produces avarice, and Natrieras, pergant avidos sudare deunces ? Indulge genio: carpamus dulcia; nostrum est riches. Quod vivis ; cinis, et manes, et fabula fies. Vive memor lethi; fugit hora. Hoc quod loquor, lation of those two great principles of ac
As I was humouring myself in the specuinde est. En quid agis? Duplici in diversum scinderis hamo. tion, I could not forbear throwing my Hanccine, an hunc sequeris ?
Sat. v. 132. thoughts into a little kind of allegory or * Whether alone or in thy harlot's lap,
fable, with which I shall here present my When thou wouldet take a lazy morning's nap; reader. Up, up, says Avarice; thou snor'st again, Stretchest thy limbs, and yawn'st, but all in vain.
There were two very powerful tyrants The rugged tyrant no denial takes;
engaged in a perpetual war against each At his command th' unwilling sluggard wakes. other, the name of the first was Luxury, What must I do? he cries; What ? says his lord;
and of the second Avarice. The aim of Why rise, inake ready, and go straight aboard; With fish, from Euxine seas, thy vessel freight;
each of them was no less than universal Flan, castor, Coan wines, the precious we ght monarchy over the hearts of mankind, Of pepper, and Sabean incense, take With thy own hands, from the tir'd camel's back,
Luxury had many generals under him, And with post-haste thy running markets make;
who did him great service, as Pleasure, Be sure to turn the penny; lie and swear ;
Mirth, Pomp, and Fashion. Avarice was Tis wholesome sin: but Jove, thou say'st will hear. Swear, fool, or starve, for the dilemma's even;
likewise very strong in his officers, being A trade man thou! and hope to go to heav'n?
faithfully served by Hunger, Industry, Resolv'd for sea, the slaves thy baggage pack, Care, and Watchfulness: he had likewise Each saddled with bis burden on his back: Xothing retards thy voyage now, but he,
a privy-counsellor who was always at his That son, voluptuous prince, call'd Luxury; elbow, and whispering something or other And be may ask this civil question; Friend, in his ear: the name of this privy-counWhat dost thou make a shipboard ? To what end?
sellor was Poverty. As Avarice conArt thou of Bethlem's noble college free ? Stark, staring mad, that thou would'st tempt the sea? ducted himself by the counsels of Poverty, Cubbid in a cabin, on a matrass laid,
his antagonist was entirely guided by the On a brown George, with lousy swabbers fed ; dictates and advice of Plenty, who was his Dead wine, that stinks of the Borachio, sup Pron a fowl jack, or greasy maple cup?
first counsellor and minister of state, that Say would'st thou bear all this, to raise thy store, concerted all his measures for him, and From six i th bundred to six hundred more?
never departed out of his sight. While Indulge, and to thy genius freely give; For, not to live at ease, is not to live.
these two great rivals were thus contendDeath stalks behind thee, and each flying hour ing for empire, their conquests were very Does some loose remnant of thy life devour.
various. Luxury got possession of one Live while thou livist; for death will make us all A name, a nothing but an old wife's tale.
heart, and Avarice of another. The father Speak: wilt thou Avarice or Pleasure choose of a family would often range himself unTo be thy lord ? Take one, and one refuse.' der the banners of Avarice, and the son
When a government flourishes in con- under those of Luxury. The wife and the quests, and is secure from foreign attacks, husband would often declare themselves it naturally falls into all the pleasures of on the two different parties: nay, the same luxury; and as these pleasures are very person would very often side with one in expensive, they put those who are ad- | his youth, and revolt to the other in his old dicted to them upon raising fresh supplies age. Indeed the wise men of the world of money, by all the methods of rapacious stood neuter; but alas! their numbers were ness and corruption; so that avarice and not considerable. At length, when these luxury very often become one complicated two potentates had wearied themselves with principle of action, in those whose hearts waging war upon one another, they agreed are wholly set upon ease, magnificence, upon an interview, at which neither of and pleasure. The most elegant and cor- their counsellors were to be present. It is rect of all the Latin historians observes, said that Luxury began the parley, and afthat in his time, when the most formidable ter having represented the endless state of states of the world were subdued by the Ro-war in which they were engaged, told his mans, the republic sunk into those two vices enemy, with a frankness of heart which is of a quite different nature, luxury and ava- natural to him, that he believed they two rice:* and accordingly describes Catiline as should be very good friends were in not for one who coveted the wealth of other men, the instigations of Poverty, that pernicious at the same time that he squandered away counsellor, who made an ill use of his ear, his own. This observation on the com- and filled him with groundless apprehenmonwealth, when it was in its height of sions and prejudices. To this Avarice re power and riches, holds good of all go- plied, that he looked upon Plenty (the first vernments that are settled in a state of ease minister of his antagonist) to be a much
more destructive counsellor than Poverty, Alieni appetens, sui profusus.--Sal. for that he was perpetually suggesting
Felices errore suo.
pleasures, banishing all the necessary cau- | friend of mine, whom I have formerly mentions against want, and consequently un- tioned, prevailed upon one of the interpredermining those principles on which the ters of the Indian kings, to inquire of them, government of Avarice was founded. At if possible, what tradition they have among last, in order to an accommodation, they them of this matter: which, as well as he agreed upon this preliminary; that each of could learn by many questions which he them should immediately dismiss his privy- | asked them at several times, was in subcounsellor. When things were thus far stance as follows:adjusted towards a peace, all other differ- The visionary, whose name was Marraences were soon accommodated, insomuch ton, after having travelled for a long space that for the future they resolved to live as under a hollow mountain, arrived at length good friends and confederates, and to share on the confines of this world of spirits, but between them whatever conquests were could not enter it by reason of a thick forest made on either side. For this reason, we made up of bushes, brambles, and pointed now find Luxury and Avarice taking pos- thorns, so perplexed and interwoven with session of the same heart, and dividing the one another, that it was impossible to find same person between them. To which I a passage through it. Whilst he was lookshall only add, that since the discarding of ing about for some track or pathway that the counsellors above-mentioned, Avarice might be worn in any part of it, he saw a supplies Luxury in the room of Plenty, as huge lion crouched under the side of it, Luxury prompts Avarice in the place of who kept his eye upon him in the same Poverty.
posture as when he watches for his prey. The Indian immediately started back,
whilst the lion rose with a spring, and No. 56.] Friday, May 4, 1711.
leaped towards him. Being wholly desti
tute of all other weapons, he stooped down
Lucan, 1. 454. to take up a huge stone in his hand; but to Happy in their mistake.
his infinite surprise grasped nothing, and
found the supposed stone to be only the apThe Americans believe that all crea- parition of one. If he was disappointed on tures have souls, not only men and women, this side, he was as much pleased on the but brutes, vegetables, nay, even the most other, when he found the lion, which had inanimate things, as stocks and stones. seized on his left shoulder, had no power They believe the same of all the works of to hurt him, and was only the ghost of that art, as of knives, boats, looking-glasses; ravenous creature which it appeared to be. and that as any of these things perish, their He no sooner got rid of this impotent enesouls go into another world, which is in- my, but he marched up to the wood, and habited by the ghosts of men and women. after having surveyed it for some time, enFor this reason they always place by the deavoured to press into one part of it that corpse of their dead' friend a bow and ar- was a little thinner than the rest; when rows, that he may make use of the souls of again, to his great surprise, he found the them in the other world, as he did of their bushes made no resistance, but that he wooden bodies in this. How absurd soever walked through briars and brambles with such an opinion as this may appear, our the same ease as through the open air; and European philosophers have maintained in short, that the whole wood was nothing several notions altogether as improbable. else but a wood of shades. He immediately Some of Plato's followers in particular, concluded, that this huge thicket of thorns when they talk of the world of ideas, enter and brakes was designed as a kind of fence tain us with substances and beings no less or quick set hedge to the ghosts it enclosed; extravagant and chimerical. Many Aris- and that probably their soft substances totelians have likewise spoken as unintelli- might be torn by these subtle points and gibly of their substantial forms. I shall prickles, which were too weak to make only instance Albertus Magnus, who, in any impressions in flesh and blood. With his dissertation upon the load-stone, ob- this thought he resolved to travel through serving that fire will destroy its magnetic this intricate wood; when by degrees he virtues, tells us that he took particular no- felt a gale of perfumes breathing upon him, tice of one as it lay glowing amidst a heap that grew stronger and sweeter in proporof burning coals, and that he perceived å tion as he advanced. He had not proceeded certain blue vapour to arise from it, which much further, when he observed the thorns he believed might be the substantial form, and briers to end, and gave place to a thouthat is in our West Indian phrase, the soul sand beautiful green trees covered with of the loadstone.
blossoms of the finest scents and colours, There is a tradition among the Ameri- that formed a wilderness of sweets, and cans, that one of their countrymen de- were a kind of lining to those ragged scenes scended in a vision to the great repository which he had before passed through. As of souls, or, as we call it here, to the other he was coming out of this delightful part world; and that upon his return he gave of the wood, and entering upon the plains his friends a distinct account of every thing it enclosed, he saw several horsemen rush, he saw among those regions of the dead. &ing by him, and a little while after he heard
the cry of a pack of dogs. He had not but his tears, which ran like a river down listened long before he saw the apparition his cheeks as he looked upon her. He had of a milk-white steed, with a young man on not stood in this posture long, before he the back of it, advancing upon full stretch plunged into the stream that lay before him; after the souls of about a hundred beagles, and finding it to be nothing but the phantom that were hunting down the ghost of a hare, of a river, walked on the bottom of it till which ran away before them with an un- he arose on the other side. At his approach speakable swiftness. As the man on the Yaratilda few into his arms, whilst Marmilk-white steed came by him, he looked raton wished himself disencumbered of that upon him very attentively, and found him body which kept her from his embraces. to be the young prince Nicharagua, who After many questions and endearments on died about half a year before, and by rea- both sides, she conducted him to a bower son of his great virtues, was at that time which she had dressed with all the ornalamented over all the western parts of ments that could be met with in those Anerica.
blooming regions. She had made it gay He had no sooner got out of the wood, but beyond imagination, and was every day he was entertained with such a landscape adding something new to it. As Marraton of flowery plains, green meadows, running stood astonished at the unspeakable beauty streams, sunny hills, and shady vales, as of her habitation, and ravished with the frawere not to be represented by his own ex-grancy that came from every part of it, pressions, nor, as he said, by the concep- Yaratilda told him that she was preparing tions of others. This happy region was this bower for his reception, as well knowpeopled with innumerable swarms of spi-ing that his piety to his God, and his faithrits, who applied themselves to exercises ful dealing towards men, would certainly and diversions, according as their fancies bring him to that happy place, whenever led them. Some of them were tossing the his life should be at an end. She then figure of a coit; others were pitching the brought two of her children to him, who shadow of a bar; others were breaking the died some years before, and resided with apparition of a horse; and multitudes em- her in the same delightful bower; advising ploying themselves upon ingenious handi- him to breed up those others which were crafts with the souls of departed utensils, still with him in such a manner, that they for that is the name which in the Indian might hereafter all of them meet together language they give their tools when they in this happy place. are burnt or broken. As he travelled The tradition tells us further, that he through this delightful scene, he was very had afterwards a sight of those dismal haoften tempted to pluck the flowers that bitations which are the portion of ill men rose every where about him in the greatest after death; and mentions several molten variety and profusion, having never seen seas of gold, in which were plunged the several of them in his own country: but he souls of barbarous Europeans, who put to quickly found, that though they were ob- the sword so many thousands of poor Injects of his sight, they were not liable to dians for the sake of that precious metal. his touch. He at length came to the side But having already touched upon the chief of a great river, and being a good fisher- points of this tradition, and exceeded the man himself, stood upon the banks of it measure of my paper, I shall not give any some time to look upon an angler that had further account of it.
C. taken a great many shapes of fishes, which lay flouncing up and down by him. * should have told my reader, that this No. 57.] Saturday, May 5, 1711. Indian had been formerly married to one of the greatest beauties of his country, by Quem præstare potest mulier galeata pudorem, whom he had several children. This couple
Quæ fugit a sexu ?were so famous for their love and constancy What sense of shame in woman's breast can lie, to one another, that the Indians to this day,
Inur'd to arms, and her own sex to fly.-Dryden. when they give a married man joy of his When the wife of Hector, in Homer's wife, wish they may live together like Iliad, discourses with her husband about Marraton and Yaratilda. Marraton had the battle in which he was going to engage, Dot stood long by the fisherman, when he the hero, desiring her to leave the matter to saw the shadow of his beloved Yaratilda, his care, bids her go to her maids, and mind who had for some time fixed her eyes upon her spinning: by which the poet intimates him, before he discovered her. Her arms that men and women ought to busy themwere stretched out towards him, foods of selves in their proper spheres, and on such tears ran down her eyes. Her looks, her matters only as are suitable to their respechands, her voice called him over to her; tive sex. and at the same time seemed to tell him I am at this time acquainted with a young that the river was impassable. Who can gentleman, who has passed a great part of describe the passion made up of joy, sor- his life in the nursery, and upon occasion row, love, desire, astonishment, that rose can make a caudle or a sack-posset better in the Indian upon the sight of his dear Ya- than any man in England. He is likewise a ratilda' He could express it by nothing I wonderful critic in cambric and muslins, and
Jur. Sat. vi. 251.
will talk an hour together upon a sweet- | petticoat. Had not this accident broke off meat. He entertains his mother every night the debate, nobody knows where it would with observations that he makes both in have ended. town and court: as what lady shows the There is one consideration which I would nicest fancy in her dress; what man of earnestly recommend to all my female reaquality wears the fairest wig; who has the ders, and which, I hope, will have some finest linen, who the prettiest snuff-box, weight with them. In short, it is this, that with many other the like curious remarks, there is nothing so bad for the face as party that may be made in good company. zeal. It gives an ill-natured cast to the eye
On the other hand, I have very frequently and a disagreeable sourness to the look; bethe opportunity of seeing a rural Andro- sides that it makes the lines too strong, and mache, who came up to town last winter, Aushes them worse than brandy. I have and is one of the greatest fox-hunters in the seen a woman's face break out in heats, as country. She talks of hounds and horses, she has been talking against a great lord, and makes nothing of leaping over a six- whom she had never seen in her life; and bar gate. If a man tells her a waggish indeed I never knew a party-woman that story, she gives him a push with her hand kept her beauty for a twelve-month. I in jest, and calls him an impudent dog; and would therefore advise all my female reaif her servant neglects his business, threat- ders, as they value their complexions, to ens to kick him out of the house. I have let alone all disputes of this nature; though heard her in her wrath call a substantial at the same time, I would give free liberty tradesman a lousy cur; and remember one to all superannuated motherly partisans to day, when she could not think of the name be as violent as they please, since there will of a person, she described him in a large be no danger either of their spoiling their company of men and ladies by the fellow faces, or of their gaining converts. with the broad shoulders.
For my own part I think a man makes an If those speeches and actions, which in odious and despicable figure that is violent their own nature are indifferent, appear in a party; but a woman is too sincere to ridiculous when they proceed from a wrong mitigate the fury of her principles with sex, the faults and imperfections of one sex temper and discretion, and to act with that transplanted into another, appear black caution and reservedness which are requiand monstrous. As for the men, I shall not site in our sex. When this unnatural zeal in this paper any further concern myself gets into them, it throws them into ten about them; but as I would fain contribute thousand heats and extravagancies; their to make womankind, which is the most generous souls set no bounds to their love, beautiful part of the creation, entirely amia- or to their hatred; and whether a whig or ble, and wear out all those little spots and a tory, a lap-dog or a gallant, an opera or blemishes that are apt to rise among the a puppet-show, be the object of it, the pascharms which nature has poured out upon sion, while it reigns, engrosses the whole them, I shall dedicate this paper to their woman. service. The spot which I would here en- I remember when Dr. Titus Oates* was deavour to clear them of, is that party rage in all his glory, I accompanied my friend which of late years is very much crept into Will Honeycomb in a visit to a lady of his their conversation. This is, in its nature, acquaintance. We were no sooner sat a male vice, and made up of many angry down, but upon casting my eyes about the and cruel passions that are altogether re- room, I found in almost every corner of it pugnant to the softness, the modesty, and a print that represented the doctor in all those other endearing qualities which are magnitudes and dimensions. A little after, natural to the fair sex. Women were form- as the lady was discoursing with my friend, ed to temper mankind, and soothe them into and held her snuff-box in her hand, who tenderness and compassion; not to set an should I see in the lid of it but the doctor. edge upon their minds, and blow up in them It was not long after this when she had octhose passions which are too apt to rise of casion for her handkerchief, which, upon their own accord. When I have seen as the first opening, discovered among the pretty mouth uttering calumnies
and invec- plaits of it the figure of the doctor. Upon tives, what would I not have given to have this my friend Will, who loves raillery, stopt it? How have I been troubled to see told her, that if he was in Mr. Truelove's some of the finest features in the world grow place (for that was the name of her huspale, and tremble with party rage? Ca- band) he should be made as uneasy by a milla is one of the greatest beauties in the handkerchief as ever Othello was. I am British nation, and yet values herself more afraid,' said she, "Mr. Honeycomb, you upon being the virago of one party, than are a tory: tell me truly, are you a friend upon being the toast of both. The dear to the doctor, or not?' Will, instead of creature, about a week_ago, encountered making her a reply, smiled in her face (for the fierce and beautiful Penthesilea across indeed she was very pretty) and told her, a tea-table; but in the height of her anger, that one of her patches was dropping off. as her hand chanced to shake with the earnestness of the dispute, she scalded her
* The name of Dr. T. Qates is here substituted for fingers, and spilt a dish of tea upon her) that of Dr. Sacheverell, who is the real person mean.