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Hor. Ars Poet. ver. 5.

Whatever contradicts my sense

Roscommon.

sks of one whom he would not venture to boldens me, who am the wild boar that was feel his pulse. Vagellius is careful, studi- killed by Mrs. Tofts, to represent to you, ous, and obliging, but withal a little thick-that I think I was hardly used in not hava sulled; he has not a single client, but might ing the part of the lion of Hydaspes given have had abundance of customers. The to me. It would have been but a natural misfortune is, that parents take a liking to step for me to have personated that noble a particular profession, and therefore desire creature, after having behaved myself to their sons may be of it: whereas, in so great satisfaction in the part above-mentioned. an affair of life, they should consider the That of a lion is too great a character for genius and abilities of their children, more one that never trod the stage before but than their own inclinations.

upon two legs. As for the little resistance It is the great advantage of a trading na- which I made, I hope it may be excused, tion that there are very few in it so dull and when it is considered that the dart was heary, who may not be placed in stations thrown at me by so fair a hand. I must of life, which may give them an opportunity confess I had but just put on my brutality; of making their fortunes. A well-regulated and Camilla's charms were such, that becommerce is not, like law, physic, or di- holding her erect mien, hearing her charmvinity, to be overstocked with hands; but ing voice, and astonished with her graceful on the contrary flourishes by multitudes, motion, I could not keep up to my assumed and gives employment to all its professors. fierceness, but died like a man. Fleets of merchantmen are so many squad- •I am, Sir, rons of floating shops, that vend our wares

*Your most humble admirer, and manufactures in all the markets of the

“THOMAS PRONÉ.' world, and find out chapmen under both the tropics.

C.

• MR. SPECTATOR,

• This is to let you understand, that the playhouse is a representation of the world

in nothing so much as in this particular, No. 22.] Monday, March 26, 1710-11. that no one rises in it according to his merit.

I have acted several parts of householdQuodquemque ostendis mihi sic, incredulis odi.

stuff with great applause for many years:

I am one of the men in the hangings in I hate to see, and never can believe.

“The Emperor of the Moon;' I have twice

performed the third chair in an English The word Spectator being most usually opera; and have rehearsed the pump in understood as one of the audience at public The Fortune-Hunters.' I am now grown representations in our theatres, I seldom old, and hope you will recommend me so fail of many letters relating to plays and effectually, as that I may say something operas. But indeed there are such mon- before I go off the stage: in which you will strous things done in both, that if one had do a great act of charity to not been an eye-witness of them, one could

Your most humble servant, not believe that such matters had really

"WILLIAM SCREENE.' been exhibited. There is very little which concerns human life, or is a picture of na

Mr. SPECTATOR, ture, that is regarded by the greater part

Understanding that Mr. Screene has of the company. The understanding is dis- writ to you, and desired to be raised from missed from our entertainments. Our mirth dumb and still parts; I desire, if you give is the laughter of fools, and our admiration him motion or speech, that you would adthe wonder of idiots; else such improbable, yance me in my way, and let me keep on monstrous, and incoherent dreams could in what I humbly presume I am a master, to not go off as they do, not only without the wit, in representing human and still life toutmost scorn and contempt, but even with gether. I have several times acted one of the loudest applause and approbation. But the finest flower-pots in the same opera the letters of my correspondents will repre- wherein Mr. Screene is a chair; therefore, sent this affair in a more lively manner than upon his promotion, request that I may any discourse of my own; I shall therefore succeed him in the hangings, with my hand give them to my reader with only this pre

in the orange-trees.

. Your humble servant, paration, that they all come from players, and that the business of playing is now so

RALPH SIMPLE.' managed, that you are not to be surprised Sır, Drury-lane, March 24th, 1710-11. when I say one or two of them are rational,

I saw your friend the Templar this others sensitive and vegetative actors, and evening in the pit, and thought he looked others wholly inanimate. I shall not place very little pleased with the representation these as I have named them, but as they of the mad scene of the Pilgrim. * I wish, have precedence in the opinion of their au- sir, you would do us the favour to animaddiences.

vert frequently upon the false taste the •MR. SPECTATOR, Your having been so humble as to take vived at Drury Lane in 1700, with a new prologue and

* A comedy by Beaumont and Fletcher; it was renotice of the epistles of other animals, em- | epilogue by Dryden.

town is in, with relation to plays as well as

He has cured since his coming thither, in less than a operas. It certainly requires a degree of two Turkish bassas, three nuns, and a morris-dancer.

fortnight, four scaramouches, a mountebank doctor, understanding to play justly; but such is N. B. Any person may agree by the great, and bo our condition, that we are to suspend our kept in repair by the year. The doctor draws teeth

without pulling off your mask.

R. reason to perform our parts.

*As to scenes of madness, you know, sir, there are noble instances of this kind in Shakspeare; but then it is the disturbance No. 23.] Tuesday, March 27, 1711. of a noble mind, from generous and humane

Sævit atrox Volscens, nec teli conspicit usquam resentments. It is like that grief which

Autorem, nec quo se ardens immittere possit. we have for the decease of our friends. It

Virg. Æn. ix. 420. is no diminution, but a recommendation of

Fierce Volscens foams with rage, and gazing round, human nature, that in such incidents, pas- Descry'd not him who gave the fatal wound: sion gets the better of reason ; and all we

Nor knew to fix revenge.

Dryden. can think to comfort ourselves, is impotent against half what we feel. I will not men- base ungenerous spirit than the giving of

There is nothing that more betrays & tion that we had an idiot in the scene, and secret stabs to a man's reputation; lampoons all the sense it is represented to have is that and satires, that are written with wit and of lust. As for myself, who have long taken spirit, are like poisoned darts, which not pains in personating the passions, I have only inflict a wound, but make it incurable. to-night acted only an appetite. The part For this reason I am very much troubled I played is Thirst, but it is represented as when I see the talents of humour and ridicule written rather by a drayman than a poet. in the possession of an ill-natured man. I come in with a tub about me, that tub There cannot be a greater gratification to a hung with quart pots, with a full gallon at barbarous and inhuman wit, than to stir up my mouth. * I am ashamed to tell you that sorrow in the heart of a private person, I pleased very much, and this was intro- to raise uneasiness among near relations, duced as a madness; but sure it was not and to expose whole families to derision, human madness, for a mule or an ass may at the same time that he remains unseen have' een as dry as ever I was in my life. and undiscovered. If, besides the accomI am, Sir,

plishments of being witty and ill-natured, • Your most obedient and humble servant.' a man is vicious into the bargain, he is one

• From the Savoy,

of the most mischievous creatures than can •Mr. SPECTATOR, in the Strand.

enter into a civil society. His satire will • If you can read it with dry eyes, I give then chiefly fall upon those who ought to you this trouble to acquaint you that I am be the most exempt from it. Virtue, merit, the unfortunate King Latinus, and I believe and every thing that is praiseworthy, will I am the first prince that dated from this be made the subject of ridicule and bufpalace since John of Gaunt. Such is the foonery. It is impossible to enumerate the uncertainty of all human greatness, that I, evils which arise from these arrows that who lately never moved without a guard, fly in the dark, and I know no other exam now pressed as a common soldier, and cuse that is or can be made for them, than am to sail, with the first fair wind, against that the wounds they give are only imagimy brother Lewis of France. It is a very secret shame or sorrow in the mind of the

nary, and produce nothing more than a hard thing to put off a character which one has appeared in with applause. This I suffering person. It must indeed be conexperienced since the loss of my diadem; fessed, that a lampoon or a satire do not for upon quarrelling with another recruit, i carry in them robbery or murder; but at spoke my indignation out of my part in the same time how many are there that recitativo;

would not rather lose a considerable sum Most audacious slave,

of money, or even life itself, than be set up Dar'st thou an angry monarch's fury brave ?" as a mark of infamy and derision and in The words were no sooner out of my mouth, this case a man should consider, that an inwhen a sergeant knocked me down, and jury is not to be measured by the notions of asked me if I had a mind to mutiny, in talk-) him that gives, but of him who receives it. ing things nobody understood. You see,

Those who can put the best countenance sir, my unhappy circumstances: ard if by upon the outrages of this nature which are your mediation you can procure a suosidy offered them, are not without their secret for a prince (who never failed to make all anguish. I have observed a passage in that beheld him merry at his appearance) Socrates' behaviour at his death, in a light you will merit the thanks of your friend,

wherein none of the critics have considered “The King of LATIUM,

it. That excellent man entertaining his

friends, a little before he drank the bowl of ADVERTISEMENT.

poison, with a discourse on the immortality For the good of the Public.

of the soul, at his entering upon it, says, Within two doors of the masquerade lives an eminent that he does not believe any the most Italian chirurgeon, arrived from the carnival at Venice, of great experience in private cures. Accommodations are provided, and persons admitted in their masking

* It has been said that this was intended as a chahabils.

racter of Dean Swift.

conic genius can censure him for talking their reproaches, and consequently that upon such a subject at such a time. This they received them as very great injuries. passage, I think, evidently glances upon For my own part, I would never trust a Aristophanes, who writ a comedy on pur- man that I thought was capable of giving pose to ridicule the discourses of that divine these secret wounds; and cannot but think philosopher. It has been observed by many that he would hurt the person, whose repuwriters, that Socrates was so little moved tation he thus assaults, in his body or in his at this piece of buffoonery, that he was se- fortune, could he do it with the same secuveral times present at its being acted upon rity; There is, indeed, something very the stage, and never expressed the least barbarous and inhuman in the ordinary resentment of it. But with submission, I scribblers of lampoons. An innocent young think the remark I have here made shows lady shall be exposed for an unhappy feaus, that this unworthy treatment made an ture. A father of a family turned to ridiin pression upon his mind, though he had cule, for some domestic calamity. A wife been too wise to discover it.

be made uneasy all her life for a misinterWhen Julius Cæsar was lampooned by preted word or action. Nay, a good, a Catullus, he invited him to a supper, and temperate, and a just man shall be put out treated him with such a generous civility, of countenance by the representation of that he made the poet his friend ever after. those qualities that should do him honour. Cardinal Mazarine gave the same kind of So pernicious a thing is wit, when it is not treatment to the learned Quillet, who had tempered with virtue and humanity. reflected upon his eminence in a famous I have indeed heard of heedless inconsiLatin poem. The cardinal sent for him, derate writers, that without any malice and after some kind expostulations upon have sacrificed the reputation of their Fhat he had written, assured him of his friends and acquaintance to a certain levity Esteem, and dismissed him with a promise of temper, and a silly ambition of distinof the next good abbey that should fall, guishing themselves by a spirit of raillery which he accordingly conferred upon him and satire; as if it were not infinitely more a few months after. This had so good an honourable to be a good-natured man than effect upon the author, that he dedicated a wit. Where there is this little petulant the second edition of his book to the cardi- humour in an author, he is often very misr.al, after having, expunged the passages chievous without designing to be so. For shich had given him offence.

which reason I always lay it down as a rule, Sextus Quintus was not of so generous that an indiscreet man is more hurtful than and forgiving a temper. Upon his being an ill-natured one; for as the latter will only made pope, the statue of Pasquin was one attack his enemies, and those he wishes night dressed in a very dirty shirt, with an ill to; the other injures indifferently both excuse written under it, that he was forced friends and foes. I cannot forbear, on this octo wear foul linen, because his laundress casion, transcribing a fable out of Sir Roger was made a princess. This was a reflec- l’Estrange, which accidentally lies before tion upon the pope's sister, who, before the me. A company of waggish boys were promotion of her brother, was in these watching of frogs at the side of a pond, and mean circumstances that Pasquin repre- still as any of them put up their heads, Sented her. As this pasquinade made a they would be pelting them down again great noise in Rome, the pope offered a with stones. Children,' says one of the considerable sum of money to any person frogs, 'you never consider that though this that should discover the author of it. The may be play to you it is death to us. author relying upon his holiness's genero- As this week is in a manner set apart sity, as also on some private overtures and dedicated to serious thoughts, I shall which he had received from him, made the indulge myself in such speculations as may discovery himself; upon which the pope not be altogecher unsuitable to the season; gave him the reward he had promised, but and in the mean time, as the settling in at the same time to disable the satirist for ourselves a charitable frame of mind is a the future, ordered his tongue to be cut out, work very proper for the time, I have in this and both his hands to be chopped off. paper endeavoured to expose that particuAretine* is too trite an instance. Every one lar breach of charity which has been geneknows that all the kings of Europe were rally overlooked by divines, because they his tributaries. Nay, there is a letter of are but few who can be guilty of it. C. his extant, in which he makes his boasts that he had laid the Sophi of Persia under contribution. Though in the various examples which

No. 24.] Wednesday, March 28, 1711. I have here drawn together, these several

Accurrit quidam notus mihi nomine tantum; great men behaved themselves very differ

Arreptaque manu, Quid agis, dulcissiine rerum ? ently towards the wits of the age who had

Comes up a fop, (I knew him but by fame) reproached them; they all of them plainly And seized my hand, and called me by name showed that they were very sensible of -My dear how dost? • Peter Aretine commonly calleded he bourge of lof insignificant people, who are by no means

THERE are in this town a great number Princas, infamous for bis writings, died in 1556.

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Hor. Lib. 1. Sat. ix. 3.

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fit for the better sort of conversation, and because so many impertinents will break yet have an impertinent ambition of ap- in upon me, and come without appointpearing with those to whom they are not ment? Clinch of Barnet has a nightly meetwelcome. If you walk in the Park, one ing, and shows to every one that will come of them will certainly join with you, though in and pay; but then he is the only actor. you are in company with ladies! If you Why should people miscal things? If his is drink a bottle they will find your haunts. allowed to be a concert, why may not mine What makes such fellows the more bur- be a lecture? However, sir, I submit it to densome is, that they neither offend nor you, and am, Sir, your most obedient &c. please so far as to be taken notice of for

"THOMAS KIMBOW,' either. It is, I presume, for this reason, that my correspondents are willing by my

Good Sir, means to be rid of them. The two follow

"You and I were pressed against each ing letters are writ by persons who suffer other last winter in a crowd, in which unby such impertinence. A worthy old bach- easy posture we suffered together for alelor, who sets in for a dose of claret every most half an hour. I thank you for all night, at such an hour, is teased by a your civilities ever since, in being of my swarm of them; who, because they are acquaintance wherever you meet me. But sure of room and good fire, have taken it the other day you pulled off your hat to me in their heads to keep a sort of club in his in the Park, when I was walking with my company; though the sober gentleman mistress. She did not like your air, and himself is an utter enemy to such meetings. said she wondered what strange fellows I

was acquainted with. Dear sir, consider • MR. SPECTATOR,

it is as much as my life is worth, if she • The aversion I for some years have had should think we were intimate: therefore I to clubs in general, gave me a perfect re- earnestly entreat you for the future to take lish for your speculation on that subject; no manner of notice of, Sir, your obliged but I have since been extremely

mortified, by humble servant, the malicious world's ranking me amongst

WILL FASHION.' the supporters of such impertinent assemblies. ^ I beg leave to state my case fairly;

A like impertinence is also very troubleand that done, I shall expect redress from

some to the superior and more intelligent
part

of the fair sex. It is, it seems, a great
your judicious pen.
I am, sir, a bachelor of some standing, capacities will pretend to make visits,

inconvenience, that those of the meanest and a traveller; my business, to consult my though indeed they are qualified rather to own humour, which I gratify without con- add to the furniture of the house (by filling trolling other people's:

I have a room and an empty chair) than to the conversation a whole bed to myself; and I have a dog, a fiddle, and a gun; they please me, and in- of mine hopes for redress in this case, by

they come into when they visit. A friend jure no creature alive. My chief meal is a the publication of her letter in my paper; supper, which I always make at a tavern. which she thinks those she would be rid of I am constant to an hour, and not ill-hu- will take to themselves. It seems to be moured; for which reasons though I invite written with an eye to one of those pert, nobody, I have no sooner supped, than I giddy, unthinking

girls, who, upon the rehave a crowd about me of that sort of good commendation only of an agreeable person, company that know not whither else to go. and a fashionable air, take themselves to It is true every man pays his share; yet as be upon a level with

women of the greatest they are intruders, I have an undoubted

merit: right to be the only speaker, or at least the loudest; which I maintain, and that to the MADAM, great emolument of my audience. I some- I take this way to acquaint you with times tell them their own in pretty free what common rules and forms would language; and sometimes divert them with never permit me to tell you otherwise; to merry tales, according as I am in humour. wit, that you and I, though equals in qualI am one of those who live in taverns to a ity and fortune, are by no means suitable great age, by a sort of regular intempe- companions. You are, it is true, very pretrance; I never go to bed drunk, but always ty, can dance, and make a very good figure fustered; I wear away very gently; am in a public assembly; but, alas, madam, apt to be peevish, but never angry. 'Mr. you must go no further; distance and siSpectator, if you have kept various com- lence are your best recommendations, pany, you know there is in every tavern in therefore let me beg of you never to make town some old humourist or other, who is me any more visits. You come in a literal master of the house as much as he that sense to see one, for you have nothing to keeps it. The drawers are all in awe of say. I do not say this, that I would by any nim; and all the customers who frequent means lose your acquaintance; but I would his company, yield him a sort of comical keep it up with the strictest forms of goodobedience. I do not know but I may be breeding. Let us pay visits, but never see such a fellow as this myself. But I appeal one

another. If you will be so good as to to you, whether this is to be called a Club, I deny

yourself always to me, I shall return

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the obligation, by giving the same orders are very well acquainted with that gentleto my servants. When accident makes us man's invention; who, for the better carrymeet at a third place, we may mutually ing on his experiments, contrived a certain lament the misfortune of never finding one mathematical chair, which was so artifianother at home, go in the same party to a cially hung upon springs, that it would weigh benefit play, and smile at each other, and any thing as well as a pair of scales. By put down glasses as we pass in our coaches. this means he discovered how many ounces Thus we may enjoy as much of each of his food passed by perspiration, what other's friendship as we are capable: for quantity of it was turned into nourishment, there are some people who are to be known and how much went away by the other only by sight, with which sort of friendship channels and distributions of nature. I hope you will always honour, Madam, “Having provided myself with this chair, Four most obedient humble servant, I used to study, eat, drink, and sleep in it;

• MARY TUESDAY. insomuch that I may be said, for these last P.S. I subscribe myself by the name of three years, to have lived in a pair of scales. the day I keep, that my supernumerary to be precisely two hundred weight, fall

I compute myself, when I am in full health, friends may know who I am.

ing short of it about a pound after a day's ADVERTISEMENT.

fast, and exceeding it as much after a very To prevent all mistakes that may happen among gen. full meal; so that it is my continual emtemen of the other end of the town, who come but ployment to trim the balance between calling the servants, or requiring such things from them these two volatile pounds in my constitu2 ere not properly within their respective provinces ; tion. In my ordinary meals I 'fetch mybis is to give notice, that Kidney, keeper of the book self up to two hundred weight and half a shi go off without paying, having resigned that

em- pound; and if, after having dined, I find postient, is succeeded by John Sowton; to whose place myself fall short of it, I drink just so much of enterer of messages and first coffee grinder, Wil. small beer, or eat such a quantity of bread, lan Bird is promoted ; and Samuel Burdock comes as

as is sufficient to make me weight. In my boe cleaner in the room of the said Bird.

greatest excesses I do not transgress more than the other half pound; which, for my

health's sake, I do the first Monday in Na 25.] Thursday, March 29, 1711. every month. As soon as I find myself

duly poised after dinner, I walk till I have --Agrescitque medendo. Virg. n. xii. 46.

perspired five ounces and four scruples; And sickens by the very means of health. and when I discover, by my chair, that I The following letter will explain itself,

am so far reduced, I fall to my books, and and needs no apology.

study away three ounces more. As for the

remaining parts of the pound, I keep no Sir-I am one of that sickly tribe who account of them. I do not dine and sup by are commonly known by the name of vale- the clock, but by my chair; for when that tudinarians; and do confess to you, that I informs me my pound of food is exhausted, first contracted this ill habit of body, or I conclude myself to be hungry, and lay rather of mind, by the study of physic. 1 no in another with all diligence. In my days sooner began to peruse books of this nature, of abstinence I lose a pound and a half, but I found my pulse was irregular; and and on solemn fasts am two pounds lighter scarce ever read the account of any disease than on the other days in the year. that I did not fancy myself afflicted with. I allow myself, one night with another, Dr. Sydenham's learned treatise of fevers a quarter of a pound of sleep, within a few threw me into a lingering hectic, which grains more or less; and if, upon my rising, hung upon me all the while I was reading I find that I have not consumed my whole that excellent piece. I then applied my- quantity, I take out the rest in my chair. self to the study of several authors, who Upon an exact calculation of what I exhave written upon phthisical distempers, pended and received the last year, which and by that means fell into a consumption; I always register in a book, I find the metill at length, growing very fat, I was in a dium to be two hundred weight, so that I manner shamed out of that imagination. cannot discover that I am impaired one Not long after this I found in myself all the ounce in my health during a whole twelvesymptoms of the gout, except pain; but was month. And yet, sir, notwithstanding this cured of it by a treatise upon the gravel, my great care to ballast myself equally written by a very ingenious author, who, every day, and to keep my body in its pro(as it is usual for physicians to convert one per poise, so it is, that I'find myself in a distemper into another) eased me of the sick and languishing condition. My comsout by giving me the stone. I at length plexion is grown very sallow, my pulse studied myself into a complication of dis- low, and my body hydropical. Let me, tempers; but, accidently taking into my therefore, beg you, sir, to consider me as hand that ingenious discourse written by your patient, and to give me more certain Sanctorius, I was resolved to direct myself rules to walk by than those I have already by a scheme of rules, which I had collected observed, and you will very much oblige The learned world

• Your humble servant.'

from his observations.

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