Thine own true knight, By day or night, Or any kind of light, John Falstaff. What a Herod of Jewry is this? -O wicked, wicked world!—one that is well nigh worn to pieces with age, to shew himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked (with the devil's name) out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!-What should I say him?-I was then frugal of my mirth :-heaven forgive me! Why I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of fat men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings Enter Mistress FORD. to Mrs. Ford. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house! Mrs. Page And trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill. Mrs. Ford. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to shew to the contrary. Mrs. Page. 'Faith, but you do, in my mind. Mrs. Ford. Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could shew you to the contrary: O, mistress Page, give me some counsel ! Mrs. Page. What's the matter, woman? Mrs. Ford. O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour! Mrs. Page. Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour: What is it!-dispense with trifles ;-what is it? Mrs. Ford. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment, or so, I could be knighted. Mrs. Page. What? thou liest!-Sir Alice Ford! -These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry. Mrs. Ford. We burn day-light:-here, read, read; -perceive how I might be knighted.—I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's liking: And yet he would not swear; praised women's modesty: And gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words: but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the hundredth psalm to the tune of Green sleeves. What tempest, I trow, threw this whale with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease.Did you ever hear the like? Mrs. Page. Letter for letter; but that the name of Page and Ford differs!-To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, (sure more,) and these are of the second edition: He will print them out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the dress when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles, ere one chaste man. Mrs. Ford. Why this is the very same; the very hand, the very words: What doth he think of us? Mrs. Puge. Nay, I know not: It makes r e almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury. Mrs. Ford. Boarding, call you it? I'll be sure to keep him above deck. Mrs. Page. So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit; and lead him on with a fine baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of the Garter. Mrs. Ford. Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it would give eternal food to his jealousy. Mrs. Page. Why, look, where he comes; and my good man too; he's as far from jealousy, as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance. Mrs. Ford. You are the happier woman. Mrs. Page. Let's consult together against this greasy knight: Come hither. [They retire. Enter FORD, PISTOL, PAGE, and NYм. Ford. Well, 1 hope, it be not so. Ford. Why, sir, my wife is not young. Pist. He wooes both high and low, both rich and Both young and old, one with another, Ford; [poor, He loves the gally-mawfry; Ford, perpend. Ford. Love my wife? Pist. With liver burning hot: Prevent, or go thou, Like sir Actæon he, with Ring-wood at thy heels:O, odious is the name! Ford. What name, sir? Pist. The horn, I say: Farewell. Take heed; have open eye; for thieves do foot by night: [sing.Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do Away, sir corporal Nym.Believe it, Page; he speaks sense. [Exit PISTOL. Ford. I will be patient; I will find out this. Nym. And this is true; [to PAGE.] I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there's the short and the long. My name is corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch. 'Tis true:—my name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife.-Adieu! I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and there's the humour of it. Adieu. [Exit NYM. Page. The humour of it, quoth 'a! here's a fellow frights humour out of his wits. Ford. I will seek out Falstaff. Page. I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue. Ford. If I do find it, well. Page. I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priests o' the town commended him for a true man. Ford. 'Twas a good sensible fellow: Well. Page. How now, Meg? Mrs. Page. Whither go you, George ?-Hark you. Mrs. Ford. How now, sweet Frank ? why art thou melancholy? Shal. Have with you, mine host. Page. I have heard, the Frenchman hath good skill Ford. I melancholy! I am not melancholy.-Get in his rapier. you home, go. Mrs. Ford. 'Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy times, you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes head now. Will you go, Mistress Page? Shal. Tut, sir, I could have told you more: In these and I know not what: 'tis the heart, master Page; Mrs. Page. Have with you. You'll come to din-'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my ner, George? Look, who comes yonder: she shall be long sword, I would have made you four tall fellows our messenger to this paltry knight. skip like rats. [Aside to Mrs. FORD. Enter Mrs. QUICKLY. Mrs. Ford. Trust me, I thought on her: she'll fit it. Mrs. Page. You are come to see my daughter Anne? Quick. Ay, forsooth; And, I pray, how does good mistress Anne? Mrs. Page. Go in with us, and see; we have an hour's talk with you. [Exeunt Mrs. PAGE, Mrs. Ford, and Mrs. QUICKLY. Page. How now, master Ford? Ford. You heard what this knave told me ; did you not? Page Yes; And you heard what the other told me? Ford. Do you think there is truth in them? Page. Hang 'em, slaves; I do not think the knight would offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives, are a yoke of his discarded men: very rogues, now they be out of service. Ford. Were they his men? Ford. I like it never the better for that.-Does he lie at the Garter? Page. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets of her more than sharp words, let it lie on my head. Ford. I do not disdoubt my wife; but I would be loth to turn them together: A man may be too confident; I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied. Page. Look, where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money in his purse, when he looks so merrily.-How now, mine host? Enter HOST and SHALLOW. Host. How now, bully-rook! thou 'rt a gentleman: cavalero-justice, I say. Shal. I follow, mine host, I follow.-Good even, and twenty, good master Page! Master Page, will you go with us? we have sport in hand. Host. Tell him, cavalero-justice; tell him, bully rook. Shal. Sir, there is a fray to be fought, between sir Hugh the Welch priest, and Caius the French doctor. Ford. Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you. Host. What say'st thou, bully-rook! [They go aside. Shal. Will you [to PAGE.] go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, he hath appointed them contrary places: for, believe me, I hear, the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be. Host. Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavalier? Ford. None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him, my name is Brook; only for a jest. Host. My hand, bully: thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be Brook: It is a merry knight.- Will you go, cavalieres? Host. Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag? Page. Have with you :- I had rather hear them scold than fight. [Exeunt HOST, SHALLOW, and PAGE. Ford. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily: She was in his company at Page's house; and, what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look further into 't: and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff: If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed. SCENE II.-A Room in the Garter Inn Fal. I will not lend thee a penny. [Erit. Fal. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn: I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell, for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were good soldiers, and tall fellows and when. mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took 't upon mine honour, thou hadst it not. [pence? Pist. Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteen Fal. Reason, you rogue, reason Think'st thou I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you:-go.—A short knife and a throng;-to your manor of Pickthatch, go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! You stand upon your honour !-Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do, to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you? Pist. I do relent; What would'st thou more of man? Enter ROBIN. Rob. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. Fal. Let her approach. Enter Mistress QUICKLY. Quick. Not so, an't please your worship. Quick. I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the first hour I was born. Fal. I do believe the swearer: What with me? Quick. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word of come a little nearer this ways:-I myself dwell with | say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when master doctor Caius. Fal. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say, Quick. Your worship says very true: worship, come a little nearer this ways. she list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and, truly, she deserves it: for if there be a kind woman pray your in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy. Fal. I warrant thee, nobody hears ;-mine own people, mine own people. Quick. Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make Fal. Mistress Ford ;-come, mistress Ford,Quick. Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries, as 'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and | lords, and gentlemen with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, (all musk,) and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best, and the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her.I had myself twenty angels | given me this morning; but I defy all angels, (in any such sort, as they say,) but in the way of honesty :-and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all : and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners ; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. Fal. But what says she to me? be brief, my good she Mercury. Quick. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of ; -master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he's a very jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart. Fal. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her. Quick. Why you say well : But I have another messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too ;--and let me tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one (I tell you) that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other and she bade me tell your worship, that her husband is seldom from home; but, she hopes, there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man; surely, I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth. Fal. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms. Quick. Blessing on your heart for't! Fal. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife, and Page's wife, acquainted each other how they love me? : Quick. That were a jest, indeed!--they have not so little grace, I hope that were a trick, indeed ! But mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves ; her husband has a marvel- | lous infection to the little page : and, truly, master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, Fal. Why, I will. Quick. Nay, but do so then : and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and, in any case, have a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world. Fal. Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor.-Boy, go along with this woman.- -This news distracts me! [Exeunt QUICKLY and ROBIN. Pist. This punk is one of Cupid's carriers :Clap on more sails ; pursue, up with your fights ; Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all. [Exit PISTOL Fal. Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'l make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee: Let them say, 'tis grossly done. so it be fairly done, no matter. Enter BARDolph. Bard. Sir John, there's one master Brook below would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack. Fal. Brook, is his name? Bard. Ay, sir. Such Fal. Call him in; [Erit BARDOLPH.] Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such liquor. Ah! ha! mistress Ford and mistress Page, have I encompassed you? go to; via! Re-enter BARDOLPH, with Fond disguised. Ford. Bless you, sir. Fal. And you, sir: Would you speak with me? Ford. I make bold, to press with so little preparation upon you. Fal. You're welcome; What's your will? Give us leave, drawer. [Exit BARDOLPH. Ford. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. Fal. Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. Ford. Good sir John, I sue for yours: .not to charge you; for I must let you understand, I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion: for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. Fal. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. Ford. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help me to bear it, sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. Fal. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. Ford. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. Fal Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant. Ford Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief with you, and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own; that I may pass with a reproof, the easier, sith you yourself know, how easy it is to be such an offender. Fal. Very well, sir; proceed. Ford. O good sir! Fal. Master Brook, I say you shall. Ford. Want no money, sir John, you shall want none. Fal. Want no mistress Ford, Master Brook, you shall want none. I shall be with her, (I may tell you,) by her own appointment; even as you came Ford. There is a gentlewoman in this town, her in to me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from husband's name is Ford. Fal. Well, sir. Ford. I have long loved her, and I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion, that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many, to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her, as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind, or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless experience be a jewel; that I have purchased at an infinite rate; and that hath taught me to say this: Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues. Fal. Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? Ford. Never. Fal. Have you importuned her to such a purpose? me I say, I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed. Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir? Fal. Hang him, poor cuckoldy knave! I know him not-yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say, the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldy rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home. Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir; that you might avoid him, if you saw him. Fal. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with cuckold's horns: master Brook, thou shalt know, I will predominate o'er the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife-Come to me soon at night :- Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his stile; thou master Brook, shalt know him for a knave and cuckold :— come to me soon at night. [Exit. Ford. What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! Fal. Of what quality was your love then? Ford. Like a fair house, built upon another man's-My heart is ready to crack with impatience.ground; so that I have lost my edífice, by mistaking the place where I erected it. Fal. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? Who says, this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made. Would any man have thought this?-See the hell of having a false woman! ny bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names!- -Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Ford. When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that, though she appear honest to me, yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth so far, that there is shrewd construction made of her Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: You are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admira-Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the ble discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many warlike, court-like, and learned preparations. Fal. O, sir! names of fiends: but cuckold! wittol-cuckold, the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass! he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming with my Ford. Believe it, for you know it :-There is butter, parson Hugh the Welchman with my cheese, money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all an Irishman with my aqua-vitæ bottle, or a thief to I have; only give me so much of your time in ex-walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the ho nesty of this Ford's wife; use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any. Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks, you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. Ford. O, understand my drift! she dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand other her defences, which are now too strongly embattled against me: What say you to 't, sir John? Fat. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money: next, give me your hand and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife. : : self: then she plots, then she ruminates, then she Rug. He is wise, sir; he knew, your worship | would kill him, if he came. Caius. By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him. Rug. Alas, sir, I cannot fence. Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE. Caius. Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for? .Host. To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montánt. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is he dead, my Francisco! ha, bully! What says my Esculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is he dead, bully Stale? is he dead? Caius. By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of the vorld; he is not show his face. Host. Thou art a Castilian king, Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy? Caius. I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come. Shul. He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions; is it not true, master Page? Page. Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace. itches to make one: Shal. Bodykins, master Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen, master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, master Page. Page. 'Tis true, master Shallow. Shal. It will be found so, master Page. Master doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace; you have shewed yourself a wise physician, and sir Hugh hath shewn himself a wise and patient churchman: you must with me, go master doctor. Host. Pardon, guest justice:-A word, monsieur Muck-water. Caius. Muck-vater! vat is dat? Host. Muck-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully. Caius. By gar, then I have as much muck-vater as de Englishman:--Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me vill cut his ears. Host. He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. Caius. Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat ? Host. That is, he will make thee amends. Caius. By gar, me do look, he shall clapper-declaw me; for, by gar, me vill have it. Host. And I will provoke him to 't, or let him wag. Caius. Me tank you for dat. Host. And moreover, bully,-But first, master guest, and master Page, and eke cavalero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore. [Aside to them. Page. Sir Hugh is there, is he? Host. He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields will it do well? Shal. We will do it. Page. Shal. and Slen. Adieu, good master doctor. [Exeunt PAGE SHALLOW, and SLENDER. Sim. Yonder he is coming, this way, sir Hugh. Eva. He's welcome : To shallow rivers, to whose falls—— Heaven prosper the right!-What weapons is he? Sim. No weapons, sir: There comes my master, master Shallow, and another gentleman from Frogmore, over the stile, this way. Eva. Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms. Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER. Shal. How now, master parson? Good-morrow, good sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful. Slen. Ah, sweet Anne Page! Page. Save you, good sir Hugh! Eva. 'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you! Shul. What! the sword and the word! do vou study them both, master parson? Page. And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day? Era. There is reasons and causes for it. |