66 OUR REPRESENTATIVE" IN INDIA. (Gaiety going on. Vive l'amour, cigars, and cognac !) MY DEAR OLD CHOWPATTEE, slapped old RAO SAHEB RUBBARAND ONNERSEESY heartily on the back, and asked him, in excellent native dialect," Emag rehtona evahuoy Lliwnehw?" The Rao Saheb was enchanted, but he revokes at whist, and is rather a nuisance. I walked round the ball-room, and introduced all the notabilities, and, in fact, everybody, to my Royal and Affable Companion. T was lucky Among the natives I observed SIR COWJUICE JEEUPAHOY, RAO the MAHA-GUSLA, the RAJAH OF HULLABHOY, SIR RARS BERRIJAM, and SIR KUR RANT JELLY BHOY, the RAJAH OF KOLLY WOBBLAR, the CHIEF OF HOOSURE HATTAR, SIR MUCKPICKA Dustho, Dr. Jee JEE STOOPIDAS, MR. MUCHDHARKAR, MR. SILLIJEE BILLIJEE, and a lot of other swells, not to mention the great MAHARAJAH OF TATAR OWARu, who shook two jewelled fingers at me as he was leaving. OF RANA in shut into We took shots at him with rolls, and, in avoiding one as straight & door, or as a die in his left optic, he stumbled back over the barley-sugar pulled, by elephant, his turban came off, and his stupid old head was hoary mistake, with iced cream. for a bellFrope. He was a very quick-tempered man, but, as I said, "If he's quick, I know a Quickwar. (This is a real Indian joke, and depends upon the correct pronunciation of the word "Guicwar." It's all right with the right audience.) The rank and file is thinning. They, who had come cleaned out the THAKORE OF KISHUGGUR, who had come with his pockets full to buy sweets and toys at the Bazaar for his ladies at home. Won't they give it him when he goes back! and won't he be unable to give it them! He hasn't got more than would pay his fare back to his own Station, and his family circle was expecting him to return with waggon-loads of dolls and bales of sweeties. The MAHARAJAHS OF MYSORE and YOURSORE are very nice fellows, but they do not understand écarté, though at the same time there was an unpleasant scandal about the SIRDAR OF NOWATYEBAT, which was hushed up on his consenting to quit the place at once, and return to his native home; but I did see an ace, a king, a queen, and one or two other good and useful cards tumble out of his ample sleeve. However, one mustn't speak ill of the departed and he's gone. We had a really beautiful ball, and my Illustrious Friend was all that Fancy could paint him. I had fortunately brought out my concertina with me, and had been able to give him private lessons every morning after breakfast, so that my Noble Companion has not forgotten any of his steps-nor have I; and we did go it! All the advice I gave my Esteemed and Royal Companion was, "Be affable. Whatever you do, Sir, be affable." My Illustrious Friend enjoyed it amazingly. Before my more than Esteemed Companion quitted Ceylon, two aboriginal Veddahs were presented to him. "If you were a bachelor, Sir," I whispered to him, "you could marry one of these ladies." a "Why," he returned, falling unwittingly into my verbal trap for jeu de mot, "I could not, because they are married." "No, Sir," I returned, chuckling with the humour of my jest, "They're not married-they're Viddahs!" You should have heard the shouts at this side-splitter. I implored him, for the sake of his health and buttons, to desist. "Dash my buttons!" he exclaimed in a perfect explosion of humour. And the guns from the Fort saluted this really good joke. It will be a long time ere that scene is forgotten in Ceylon. It is now historical. The telegram about the Ball sent off to Europe, was simply, "The Prince appeared to enjoy the evening very much, and did not leave till after the Tenth dance." "Pooh-na!" as we say in Ceylon. The Tenth don't dance. We enjoyed ourselves. On Sunday we all went to church, and in the evening I read Sandford and Merton to my Illustrious Friend, and played "Greenland's Icy Mountains" on our concertinas, arranged as a duett. Weren't we good? I believe you, my JAMJEE-JELLY-BHOY! We send the DUKE OF SUTHERLAND home. He wants to get back, look to his fire-engines, and darn his hose. The Guzzul (or Indian Drink-Maker) has just come in to say that my Royal and Illustrious Friend is awaiting my presence for a good story, a glass of Chokee, and a calm Trinchinopoly cigar before we turn in. So bye-bye. Send Chequey-Bhoy to your own dear Goody-Bhoy, who is now, as ever, YOUR TRUTHFUL REPRESENTATIVE (In India). And he was Affability itself: in fact the Indians have already invented a new title of honour for "The Queen's Boy," and they call him "Khansamah Bagheecha," which scarcely has an equivalent in our cold, unpoetical language, but which expresses their immense undying Love and Reverence for my¡Amiable and Illustrious Companion.* Well did my Amiable and Distinguished Friend follow out my P.S.-We've had a day with the Jugglers. I found out most of instructions. He was Affable. He was the Great Affability. He their tricks, and made 'em wild. I was, as I said to my Noble This was received with danced with the oldest, flirted with the plainest. At the Grand Friend, "quite in the Juggler Vein." Tuculla Ball he led out MRS. MUGGAR, the Aunt of MR. HUGGAR screams and shouts. In fact, every joke of mine tells now, since (I may MUGGAR, and kissed MISS FRUMPLY under the mistletoe,† and say this in confidence) the D-KE OF S-TH-RL-ND has left us; for his Grace, being such a thorough-going amateur fireman, always went about as a wet-blanket. This mot was an out-and-out convulser. One more, and I've emptied, for the present, my Indian bag of tricks. The other evening, the DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM came to dine with us. Before we (His Grace and myself) entered the room, the Duke confided to me that he had recently been photographed, and he presented me with his portrait. I took it, rushed into the room, my Noble Friend blanched for one instant, and the suite (thinking it was tigers) made for the other door. I threw myself into a Kemble attitude, and exclaimed, "My Liege, the DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM is taken!" My Appreciative Friend's memory coming to his aid, he took the cue, and returned, "Off with his head!" "Here it is," said I, presenting the DUKE's likeness, price sixpence plain, and a shilling coloured. I haven't time to describe the bursts of merriment that resounded through the Kucker* (Indian for dining saloon) after this sally. Yours ever, Y. R. I. I. The boy whom we sent out last week to buy a new Dictionary has not yet returned. He had half a sovereign, and all London before him. This only shows how difficult it is to obtain a new Indian Dictionary. We hope to hear from him soon. In the meantime our old Dictionary gives the meaning of the two words above, thus, Khansamah "a butler," and Bagheecha "a fruitgarden." Now, the Oriental mind may see something very beautiful and deeply poetical in the title of " A Fruit-Garden Butler," or "A Butler FruitGarden," but we must honestly confess that we do not see what there is poetical in the idea. The other morning, in order to try by experience whether there really was something poetical in the notion, we sent our own Butler into the fruit-garden, and looked at him over the wall. It struck us as a very commonplace affair. On the other hand, our Correspondent says that it is an Orientalism, and has no English equivalent. The nearest approach in our language to a "Fruit-Garden Butler" would be, perhaps, "a green-grocer; but still even this, a title expressive of respect and love for our Prince, is not all that could be wished-at least by a European. But we must not be narrow-minded, and are perfectly ready to admit that there is more in India and other places than is dreamt of in our philosophy. When the boy returns we shall know more-and so will he.-ED. Kucker in our Dictionary is a "barking deer." This is certainly not Hallo! What's this? Mistletoe? We've not been in India, and yet a "dining saloon;" but, on the other hand, as we do not believe in the somehow-however if it was mistletoe-still it has a suspicious flavour of home existence of a "barking deer," we are the more ready to rely upon our Correjollity just about this season of the year. Boy with Dictionary not yet re-spondent's veracity. That boy has not yet returned. "He will return, we turned. Wonder what keeps him? The half sovereign, perhaps.-ED. know him well"—he won't, if he knows us well.-ED. A fleet of these, with Punch as Chief Commander, Bang! goes our Pop-off! for round-shot, ne'er rounder A Christmas-bowl, when you've drained every drop off, Mad mortals! Would ye drop War's murderous folly, By the fast-failing hands of Seventy-five. THE RELIGION OF CHRISTMAS.-Mince-piety. A FYTTE OF HACKNEY DOWNS. It was open walking where Hackney Downs From a time whereto man's memory Runneth not contrariwise. The Lord of the Manor hath made essaye To enclose and build thereon He planted postes and sett up rayles, For the Lord, the Hackney Commoners said, Never sticking so much as to ask our leave, Ytt ys more than we wyll stand! What right hath he that land to cribb? No more to set fences and palings up, Soe busk ye, bowne ye, merry men all, To Hackney Downs hie we, And let the proud Lord of the Manor know The Commoners all did wend their way Unto Hackney Downs eftsoon, And thereon they met with much folk beside, On a Saturday afternoon. Then DE MORGAN up, and bespake the throng, The fences that grieved their sight, As having been reared against the law, Colde be razed as of right. They needed not to abide the suit Which at that time did pende, 'Twixt the Lord of the Manor and Board of Works, Howsoever that cause might ende. The Commoners all had rights of their own, To clear those palings and postes away, So forth to those iron rails they went, To tear them from the land; When they were 'ware of thirty stout knaves, The Bobbies, they drew their good ash staves, But a word their Superintendent spake, Then went the Commoners to their work, With many an hundred mo, They seized the fences on Hackney Downs, They tore up and twisted the iron railes And eke uprooted the postes of oak The posts had been tarred but just that morn, All the better therefore dyd the bonfire burn, In a trice of fences they cleared the ground, May they only have kept within the Law "THE TRAVELLERS' CLUB."-An Alpenstock.. Elderly Party (to Lady Bountiful). "O, IF YOU PLEASE, 'M, MY 'USBAND 18 DOWN WITH THE DIP-THEORY; AND PLEASE, 'M, THE DOCTOR SAYS HE MUST 'AVE PORT WINE, AND IT DON'T MATTER 'OW (H)OLD IT IS, MUM-IN FACT THE (H)OLDER THE BETTER!!" THE CYNIC'S CAROL. CHRISTMAS comes but once a year; Happy that twice it cometh not: For sirloin is uncommon dear, And dear the pudding in the pot; And floods are out, and rooms are chill, And every morning brings a bill. That plant yclept the mistletoe To me by no means pleasant is: My daughters underneath it go To meet a detrimental kiss, From one who nothing hath a year, And liveth in the street called Queer. My parson preacheth straight at me, My wine merchant sends claret sour, My stocks are down to thirty-three, My stockbroker won't wait an hour; My boys, escaped scholastic swish, Take from the larder what they wish. Well, life has consolations still: Locked in my study, far away From riots that my household fill, I pass a calm, if cheerless dayThankful, as bed-time draweth near, That Christmas comes but once a year. Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 30, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Arnew, & Co., Lombaad Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-SATURDAY, December 25, 1976. things-though Turkey is the bird of the season! In the name of the profit-Figs! also raisins, currants, and candied peel in this Christmas-pudding time. These commodities just now are specially profitable to grocers. Nor these alone. Amongst other good things your Grocer retails you beverages more or less appropriate to Christmas fare; notably that "intoxicating liquor," Gladstone, the variety of Bordeaux for which humble consumers are indebted to the considerate legislation of the ex-PREMIER, besides other wines, of home and foreign make, and even spirituous cordials and compounds of more or less alcoholic strength. Rumour has actually dared to say that an endeavour to arrest the issue of grocers' wine and spirit licences is meditated by a no less respectable and reasonable body than the Church of England Temperance Society. This report is manifestly a canard of the wildest kind-doubtless "a thing devis edby the enemy;" perhaps a calumny concocted by certain of the less scrupulous of our Dissenting brethren. Moderation is the peculiar merit of the Church of England. The moderation of her Clergy is known to all men, especially those who ask them to dine, or are privileged to be their fellow-guests. In drink as well as doctrine she professes the cia media-holds an even course between Mynheer van Dunk and ARCHBISHOP MANNING. To represent the Church of England Temperance Society as outheroding the United Kingdom Alliance, would be to discredit the Church as to her most cherished virtue, were the base attempt successful. But the slander is too absurd. Nevertheless it has been as positively as shamelessly asserted that the Temperance Society of the distinctively moderate Church has already drafted a Bill for the suspension of the further issue of Grocers' licences for the sale of "intoxicants," and the suspension, likewise, of any further issue of public and beerhouse licences until the limit shall have been reached of one in five hundred of the population. The names, even, of the Members destined to have charge of this Bill for weaning the naughty People from their drinking ways, are mentioned-SIR HARCOURT JOHNSTONE and MR. HUGH BIRLEY. If these preposterous announcements were true, what lots of petitions would be got up by short-sighted grocers and publicans on behalf of a Bill the chief effect of which, if enacted, would be that of temporarily enriching themselves by a fat monopoly! In the meanwhile, to be sure, the debates on the Bill in the House of Commons on Crotchet Day (of course) Wednesday, Wilfrid's-day, could possibly do no harm. The two Honourable Members abovenamed, indeed, would make fools of themselves too, though in talking to no purpose only, and not at the same time amusing the House; but still their project of a sumptuary law would afford some diversion to SIR WILFRID LAWSON's Permissive Bill. PUNCH'S PROPHECIES FOR 1876. THERE will be a great many births, unaccompanied by any very large amount of rejoicing. There will be several deaths, which will not cause too extravagant grief. A great many people will marry in haste, and proceed to enjoy the delightful sensation known as "repenting at leisure." A few will marry at leisure and repent in haste. Being Leap Year, more young people than usual of both sexes will be plunged into that state of semi-idiotic bliss considered inseparable to an engagement. Many young Ladies will be kissed under the Mistletoe, and will say they don't like it. Many young (-old) Ladies will say they don't like being kissed under the Mistletoe, and won't be. There will be several Railway accidents. Many ships will come into collision. Some explosions (domestic and otherwise) may be looked for. Lots of young men will have difficulties with their latchkeys at about two A.M. Other young men will announce their intention to give up business and go on the Stage. More young men will declare their determination to live on their pens. Various Parents and Guardians will view the above proceedings with marked displeasure. Several casualties (such as broken hearts, loss of false teeth, separation from chignons, &c.) will occur on Skating Rinks. CAPTAIN HAWK will take little PIGEON to a first-rate place for a quiet game of billiards or écarté. Much money will be lost over the Derby. Several Dramatic Authors will be led to think of their future state by the reception awarded to their plays by a kind and discerning public. There will be some changes of Government in France. Things will be made unpleasant for the First Lord of the Admiralty soon after the assembling of Parliament. There will be a panic on the Stock Exchange. Some Wives will run away from their Husbands. A lot of people will write bad Novels. A lot more people will be intensely bored by reading the same. The Butchers won't reduce the price of meat. Much tobacco will be consumed; also cabbage leaves. Many people will send contributions to Punch, which will be rejected. Many people will therefore hate, abuse, and loathe Punch for the remainder of their lives. Last and best. Punch, the Good and the Great, will, during the course of 1876, appear exactly fifty-three times to delight and gladden the Nations. It is remarkable, though, how extremes meet. Restrictive liquorlaws are followed, according to their promoters declaiming on the may take your Davy. |