"TIS AN ILL WIND BLOWS NOBODY GOOD." First Sweeper. "I SAY, BILL, I CALLS THIS SOMETHINK LIKE WEATHER?" Second Sweeper. "BEAUTIFUL!" SEASONABLE APPEALS. the contrairy, at Southampton there's Private "charity" besides the Workus, and the Workus heven made Comfortable, witch ortent to be the case for Nobody but the Master and Matron, includin', in corse, the Beedle. ave let 'im 'ave none. Then he'd have made 'im move on and Not MR. PUNCH, SIR, A LETER Wun Day larst Weak apear'd in the times, hunder 'Tis like Clergymen and Rewral Denes to make Benevolent Apeals. 'eadin' of "South London Poor." Close beneath it stood anuther edded" Pauperism in Southampton." This here waluable Contri- They don't Kno no Better. Feed the ungry and Cloath the Nakid, and wisit the Sick, fizzically-that's their Noshon of Charity, and bution was sined by "An Inhabitant" of that Town; the t'uther, a ignorant efusion, by 3 Members of the "South London Visiting and So, in Wether like the Late their Cry is still Coles and Blankits Relief Committee," includin' the Rewral Dene of Southerk. Leter 1 and Soop Kitchins for the Pore. Ar! They takes words in the contaned a abserd "appeal to the benevolent for assistance," Litteral Sense witch Porochial Heconomy teeches is True in jest the meanin harms for the Pore. Leter 2 was a Statement and Com-Rewerse. Talk of "DIVES and LAZARUS"! Where the Former playnt that over Releeaf of the Pore 'ad encuridged Porperism. The was Rong was in alowin the Latter any Crums at All. He ortn't to former inwited Hasses to open their Pusses, the latter warned 'em lay and die at 'is Dore. That's my Moral of it, Mr. Punch; insted for to buton upp their Pockitts. Acordin' to An Inhabitant" of Southampton the Number of Porochial Principles ort abuv all Places to prewale, no dout but of witch not honly in Southampton, but also the Metropolis where Porpers in that unfortnit Town "annually increases, and now wot this Winter besides the Reglar Pore Rates, there'll be all sorts amounts to over one-fifth of the population." He hadds:of Subscriptions, specially in sewere cold, to porwide Close, Beddin, Food, and Fewel for the Pore, and Likewise praps, heven Gratewitchus Meddical Atendance abuv all things, to keep 'em from perishin, and in that way adishonally elp increase the Growth of Porperism by 'inderin' of it from diminshin' thru the beneficient hoperation of the Nateral Lors. Despiseable wekeness! Far different is the Enlarg'd Ideers of Inlighten'd Charrity as hunderstood by hall sound and True Porochial Heconomists, and witch is clearly the Vues of an "Inhabitant" of Southampton. I'm proud to say also them is the Sentiments of Your Dewoted Beadel, "Indeed there is but one Union under 60,000 inhabitants that spends so much money as Southampton on the relief of the poor." The emount thus annivally and orfully wasted at Southampton is no Less, Sir, than £23,000! The "Inhabitant" of Southampton is werry natterally Asham'd of 'is Naybors for so Grossly Misapplyin all that Munny. But that ain't all their Rewinus Extravigance wot increases the Growth of Porperism: "This growth is assisted by the unorganised and indiscriminate charity which is lavishly squandered in the town. For example, last year 14,435 of its 50,000 inhabitants received gratuitous medical relief, or one to 3 of its inhabitants." So, you see, Sir, it's not honly Porochial proddigallaty but likewise Privat at Southampton wot Encuridges the Brede of them wishus Porpers. Wot sez Porochial Heconomy-witch I'm told a irreverend Riter, as ort to No Beter, calls the "Dismal Science " ? Leave the Pore aloan, let 'em die orf, and their Sufferins be an exampel to all others, to larn and labor and Wurk as hard as hever they possibel can to kep Sole and Body together and put by enuff Munny to save theirselves in Old Age from dyin of starvation. On To whom it may Concern. BUMBLE. A PLAINTIFF, in a case in the LORD MAYOR'S Court the other day, described himself as "the Inventor of White Hair." Mr. Punch having always entertained the idea that an old gentleman named TIME had something to do with the invention, begs to draw attention to what looks very like an infringement of patent. happen to be. Her reply stunned me, Mr. Punch, absolutely stunned me! Why-didn't JANE tell you? She's gone with that dear LADY SHOCKERLY to hear that most interesting murder case at the Old Bailey!!" AR from pretending to the gift of weather prophecy himself, Mr. Punch may frankly state that he feels there is no weather profit at all in the present reign of slush, slop, sleet, snow water, and general discomfort. He began collecting weathersymptoms the other day; but stopped after gathering the fore-and back-casts following: I staggered into my solitary abode, and actually was obliged to take four glasses of sherry before I could sit down and write this. What can I do? Yours in all wretchedness, A snowball in his neck, hurled thither by a small boy. Dec. 1, 1875. PATERFAMILIAS. P.S.-Five P.M. The late Wife of my bosom has just returned, and says she has had a most charming A violent sore throat, and protracted fits of sneezing without the stimulant of a snuff-box. day." Horrible! Chilblains and chapped hands, despite the warmest gloves to cover them. Beard frozen to moustache, so that he scarce can get his mouth open to hail a passing Hansom. Blue lips and a red nose, together quite destructive to his beauty. A sudden slip on a street slide, which, if it does not fracture his skull or his leg, sends his heart into his mouth, and his hat upon the pavement. Attacks upon his knocker by an army of belligerents, who besiege his dwelling daily with shouts of Ave your door swep'?" 669 Attacks-if not a tax-upon his pocket by all manner of petitioners, from sham sailors frozen out to starters of soup-kitchens. A horribly bad cold, which utterly destroys his taste for a cigar; and a biggish doctor's bill which follows on the general influenza of his family. SOMETHING LIKE A GRIEVANCE. MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, 66 YOU MUST NOT SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL. A new Sea Song, by the Ghost of CHARLES DIBDIN. (Respectfully Dedicated to the First Lord of the Admiralty.) I TURN to you in a time of trouble, as I know that nothing will induce you to betray my confidence by making this communication public. I arrived at my house unexpectedly this morning from the country, where I had been on business. I was tired and cold, and determined not to go to my office, but to enjoy my Penates in Veneering Square. If ever a man yearned for the bosom of his family, I was that man. On my arrival I was somewhat surprised to see the cook at the area-gate conversing with two rather suspicious-looking men; and I just caught sight of the housemaid in rapid retreat, she having observed me. I let myself in with my latch-key, intending to mention the matter to my wife, or one of my daughters. I looked into the dining-room. The fire was out, and there was a general air of untidiness and discomfort. In the breakfast-room I found the page-boy taking a hasty snack from a particularly choice game pie, the breakfast-things not having been removed. I learned from this functionary that no one was at home. My eldest daughter had gone to the skating-rink, my second daughter had gone out to lunch, but I could glean no other facts from my male domestic. ENGLAND is proud of her Iron-clad Fleet, Of each mighty monster of the deep, In whose guns the old Vikings' lord of thunder What if an Iron-clad sink its twin? It failed, and intelligent folk must feel By running into a timber-ship. Since you mustn't Speak to the Man at the Wheel. On the Iron Duke an "investigation And their verdict will that axiom seal- And we never swear at the Man at the Wheel. Now is there nobody knows what's what? Have the men who invent, and the men who contract, Respice Finem. (By a Crusty Critic.) MR. DISRAELI is credited by all parties with a fine stroke of policy in his purchase of the KHEDIVE'S Suez Canal Shares for £4,000,000. Wait a while. The Continental Press generally speaks well of it. Nevertheless, it may possibly turn out an advantage for England. I subsequently found my youngest daughter, who should have been "practising," promenading the square with a moustached young gentleman, the honour of whose acquaintance I do not enjoy. With, I hope, becoming modesty, I took the liberty of asking my daughter where her Mamma might We shall see. "MARCH OF REFINEMENT," 1875. Brown (behind the Age, but hungry). "GIVE ME THE BILL OF FARE, WAITER." Head Waiter. "BEG PARDON, SIR?" Brown. "THE BILL OF FARE." Head Waiter. "THE WHAT, SIR? O-AHI-YES!"-(to Subordinate)"CHAWLES, BRING THIS-THIS-A-GEN'LEMAN-THE MENOO!!" FASHIONABLE STREET-SWEEPERS. news. "Dark green and grey, with check patterns, are the favourite shades for dresses. These are worn both in and out of doors much longer than last year; the skirt, flat in front, grazes the ground at the sides, and runs off in a long narrow peak, trailing a full yard on the ground." Crossing-sweepers are but seldom to be seen in Paris, but while the present fashion lasts their presence is not needed. Their work will be, no doubt, efficiently performed by Ladies with their pretty dresses trailing on the ground a yard or so behind them. Dark green and grey, being rather sombre colours, are quite fit for winter wear; but, considering the state to which long skirts must speedily be brought by draggling in the dirt, we should have recommended mud-colour, as being still more suitable. Check patterns are clearly à propos, in our opinion. It must be rather costly work to let your wife's dress play the part of the besom of a crossing-sweeper; and her costume may fitly show the figure of the cheque which have paid for it. you THE CANNIBAL SNAKE. "A SNAKE-EATING SNAKE.-Difficulties have arisen in feeding the large Indian Hamadryad (Ophiophagus elaps) in the Zoological Society's Gardens, in consequence of his refusal of all other food except living snakes, which in the winter time it is not easy to procure in this country. A supply, however, has been received from the Continent, and the Ophiophagus has just made a fresh meal. The monster is now engaged in digesting the sixty-second of his weaker brethren' that he has devoured since his arrival in this country in March last." So snake eats snake! There is no mistake: Dinnerless let such a time elapse That his keepers thought he might die perhaps, So says an old Welsh Triad. But O, ophiologists, tell us why By the name of the Hamadryad ? The nymph that was born and died with an oak- ENTIRE ABOLITION OF BETTING-HOUSES.-A change for the Better. he had ever promised to marry plaintiff. That, of course, no British By the Author of The Story of Marco The Elephant and Castle. A Tale of India. By Our Special Skates. By the Author of Hans Bunker, or the Silver Our Great Reformers. By the Author of a Treatise on the Principles and Practice of Levelling. MISS and Crown. A FARTHING'S WORTH OF FEELINGS. IN the Queen's Bench division of the Supreme Court of Judicature the other day, a MISS FRANCES SHIRREFF sued a MR. CRYSTAL for breach of promise of marriage. MR. CRYSTAL, according to law With Organ and Five Shillings. By the Author of With Harp report, "is an old gentleman with some private means." SHIRREFF" is a dressmaker. Her father said he believed she was None of your Sauce! A Novelette. By the Author of Memorials more than forty years old, but he did not know how much more.' "of Harvey. They had quarrelled over the purchase of a table, for which the plaintiff wanted to give what the defendant thought too much; whereupon, it was stated, she had called him "a stingy old Scotchman"; but this she denied. Defendant, on his part, denied that Badminton! A Poem. By the MARQUIS OF LAWN-TENNISON. Blackballed at the Stock Exchange. By the Author of The Pillars of the House. Butts and Chimneys. By the Author of Casque and Cowl. "I belong to a very large family, Sir," said the Bright Personage. "Hundreds and thousands of my brothers have been introduced to the Public by you, Mr. Punch." "Indeed! And who may you be?" "My father's name is Imagination, and I am called The Idea. You were thinking that, instead of visiting the Cattle Show, you would like to see something of the sort of greater novelty. Now I can help you." "You! The Idea!" exclaimed Punch, contemptuously. "Wait until you have seen my power," said the Bright Personage. "Follow me, and you will find that you have already left your study." And the Bright Personage was right. lowed The Idea far away from home. Agricultural Hall. the most repulsive of countenances imaginable. On this scoundrel's feet were heavy boots, and in this scoundrel's hand was a bludgeon. And now Punch was standing before a hulking scoundrel, with I HAD been sitting before the fire reading. In my hand had been a small red book-bound in leather. For hours the walls of the old oak dining-room had echoed and re-echoed with my roars of heartfelt laughter. O it was a good book. A clever one. Full of quaint stories and brim-full of excellent pictures. It conveyed information too most useful to professional men. I was a professional man myself, and I had found it useful-very useful. And I had read this excellent book twice from beginning to end. The fire was going out, and the candles were burning low in their sockets. I got up to go to bed. As I rose from my chair the clock struck twelve. The clock of the village church hard-by. I could not account for it, but the tones of the old church clock filled me with a sort of strange alarm-a feeling of vague mistrust. Why was it ? I rose to go, I repeat, when facing me I found a Shadowy Figure! There was no doubt about it. My blood froze in my veins, the hairs of my head stood on end. I was in the presence of a Ghost! The Shadowy Figure glided across the floor towards the table. O that I could forget that moment of intense dread! Even now my cheek blanches, and my hand trembles as I write of it! It was too terrible! too awfully terrible! LES PAUVRES DE PARIS. THE Correspondent of the Daily Telegraph tells us that "the other day PRINCESS DOLGOUROUKY Wore a pelisse made entirely of ermine studded all over with diamonds set in turquoises;" also that "the cloaks to be seen on the fair shoulders of the PRINCESSE DE SAGAN, MADAME DE TALLEYRAND, and MADAME DE ROTHSCHILD represent each, in fur alone, a value of £4000 sterling." This is going too fur with a vengeance! Somebody ought to interfere, and take up the subject, as this is evidently a great Pelisse case." Seriously, aren't there any poor in Paris? Isn't it going to be a hard winter? and, instead of four thousand covering the value of one of these cloaks, wouldn't one of these cloaks cover the freezing misery of four thousand, and, in the end, considerably enrich the wearer? The Parisian unscriptural motto seems to be, just now, "Fiat Luxe." I could not speak, I could not move. My tongue clove to the roof of my mouth, and my arms hung listlessly beside me. And as I gazed at the Shadowy Figure the candles in the sockets began to burn a faint blue. O that I could forget! O that I could forget! And even as I looked at the first Shadowy Figure the door opened, and a second Ghost entered the room, and my brain reeled, and I felt old before my time. "Have you got it?" The voice sounded so sepulchral. It was the second Ghost who was speaking. "Not yet!" was the terrible blood-freezing reply. I summoned up all my courage. I am generally considered a brave man, and I nerved myself for the task, the terrible task before me. "What do you want here ?" My voice sounded so strange that I scarcely recognised it. It seemed to be the voice of a horrorstricken lunatic. 66 We must have it!" shrieked the first Ghost. "We cannot rest without it! It is our only solace! It consoles us all the year round! We read it together, and forget (so entranced are we in its glorious pages) to roam about the castles we were appointed originally to haunt. For your own sake give it to us, and you shall not see us again until next year." "Take it from him by force!" shouted the second Ghost. "Tell him that we will have it!" The beads of perspiration gathered thickly on my brow. I trembled in every limb. "What do you want, Gentlemen ?" "Mr. Punch's Pocket Book for 1876." When I recovered from my swoon the apparitions and the red leather-covered book were gone!!! Proverbial Philosophy. OUR quaint old proverbs are continually receiving illustration from modern doings and sayings. For example. The Town Council of Maidenhead (charming retreat! inseparably associated with the memory of delightful dinners) have been specially entertaining a proposition to the effect "that the Mayor do receive a salary of £250 a-year." Now, can any one doubt that those who advocated this munificent proposal were influenced by the recollection of the sterling adage which instructs us that "Money makes the Mayor to go"? |