'REGULATIONS FOR WIMBLEDON. [SPECIAL CIRCULAR.] SB July 5, 1875. IELD-MARSHAL PUNCH, Chief Inspector-General of the Auxiliary Forces, &c. &c., acting for himself, and for his able and distinguished colleague, SIR GARNET WOLSELEY, G.C.B., &c. &c. (absent on special service at the Cape of Good Hope), begs to inform the troops under his immediate command, that he has noticed, with much pain, in years gone by, the want of discipline often observable in the Volunteer Encampment, held annually at Wimbledon. The Field-Marshal would remind Riflemen that (1) the Camp in question should be a School of Instruction, rather than a pic-nic; that (2) for the nonce Volunteers should consider themselves soldiers rather than civilians; and, finally, that (3) England expects (during the first half of July, at any rate) that every man should do his duty. With a view to insuring uniformity, the Field-Marshal begs that the following regulations may be strictly observed by all taking part in this year's gathering. He may add that experience has taught him that none of the rules published below can be considered Officers ordered to attend Full Dress Parade, will not appear in white neck-ties, lavender kid gloves, and swallow-tailed coats. A projected visit to the Opera (after the Parade has been dismissed) will not in future be accepted as an excuse for disobeyance of this order. Non-Commissioned Officers taking part in Battalion Drill should never unfurl their umbrellas without the command of a BrigadierGeneral. Head-Dresses known as "Billy-Cock Hats," should not be used (as a rule) during Company drill. Fancy grey Overcoats (with black velvet collars and cuffs) should not be worn over tweed shooting-jackets and regulation trousers on parade in fine weather. A Major (in the absence of his Commanding Officer) should never hold a Church Parade in a straw-hat, a sword, and a pair of goloshes. Kid-Gloves should never be of more than three distinct patterns and colours when worn by Privates belonging to the same Company. DRILL. The Order "March at ease" will not be considered, in future, as tantamount to a permission for a Company to ride home on the outside of an omnibus. Guides should not explain the theory of Billiards or the rules of Lawn-tennis to their Markers during the formation of four-deep square. Not more than a dozen Privates (to each Company) should speak at once on the call of "Attention!" Constant disregard of this rule will be found to cause some confusion, especially in the performance of brigade movements. 66 or Regimental wags are cautioned against repeating stale jokes in wheeling from column into line. Allusions to "a sad Mess" an odd File" will in future be considered an infringement of this regulation. BANDS. No Band in future will be permitted to take up its station within a radius of six yards from another Band. As a rule, Bands practising within ten yards of one another, should select tunes of more or less the same character. For instance, if Band A plays a quadrille, Band B should rehearse the "Lancers; if B and C commence a polka, Band D may perform a lively waltz; and so on. It may be taken for granted that the Old Hundredth does not altogether agree with the Military March out of Faust. The two tunes should be seldom played at the same time. In conclusion, FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH begs to state that he will, during the course of the encampment, pay several visits to Wimbledon, with a view to seeing that the above regulations are properly carried out by Officers commanding regiments and other responsible officials. He trusts that the Volunteers will cheerfully assume the motto "Ready, aye Ready!" He begs to remind them that he has, from the first, given them his support, that they have never been lacking in zeal, and that they only require discipline to make them the finest soldiers in the world. He trusts that they will enable him, on this occasion, to submit a highly favourable report of their merits to the master they both serve-the British Public. By Order (signed) 85, Fleet Street, E. C. A SONG OF CITY ROSES. FROM Cashmere's Vale to sultry Chepe, For Fancy is a flying leap; TOBY, Dep. Ad.-Gen. But as sweet June, in showers that weep Grim London shows as gaily drest Roses, ripe roses, everywhere And leaf-wrapt "mosses," cheap yet sweet, SIR SYBARITE shudders; his are dreams Are not for all; and there are those Welcome, sweet child of June, whose grace Which bends above it! Were Punch not Punch, he 'd fain be PAUL, Lyons "Rose-Congresses" are things How poor are plots to prop a throne, Say "Punch's Own!"-a friendly hint RECIPE FOR A BONNET À-LA-MODE. FIRST procure a large-sized shape; then butter it well, so as to adhere firmly to the extreme back of the head. Cover it with silk or some light material, and kick it for a mile, taking care to keep it clean during this process. Then take of flowers, feathers, and ribbon each a quarter of a pound, and mix all well together. Add birds, insects, fern-leaves, or grass, according to taste. (If the butter be not sufficiently adhesive, try tulle strings and cobbler's wax.) CHASTISEMENT MADE DIFFICULT. Go IN THE CORNER, AND AM I TO TURN "I HEAR YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY BOY, TOMMY! DIRECTLY!" "ALL RIGHT, MAMMA DARLING! WHICH CORNER SHALL IT BE? MY FACE TO THE WALL, OR TO THE ROOM?" of talent and experience. It is only fair to say that I have been greatly edified by the remarks of many learned Professors with whom I have travelled during my many railway journeys. I am forced to admit, too, that I have frequently found the conversation of Undergraduates of even one year's standing both pleasing and instructive. I have the honour to be, my dear Sir, HENRIETTA HARVEY-JENNER, M.D., &c., &c. MY VERY DEAR MR. PUNCH, The Rosary. I AM quite afraid of writing to you-I am indeed! But I know you are such a nice, kind, dear middle-aged thing, that I really can't help it. (I like a middle-aged man so much. You creatures look better, speak better, and are altogether better at that age than at any other! You artful things, you know you are!) It is so stupid travelling in a Ladies' Carriage. Why, there is no one to talk to, no one to save your gloves when you want to open the door to get out, no one to look after your parcels for you! Don't let them bully us, dear Mr. Punch. They are spiteful old things-take my word for it. I know what women are! O, why did you marry? Yours most faithfully, DEAR MR. PUNCH, FLORENCE FLIRTAWAY. The Shamrock, Dublin. Ir is an Irish girl now who is speaking to you. Mind that, Sir. Why shall we have all this botheration about a miserable Railway Carriage? Surely the gentlemen are not so bad at all, at all. I abhor selfishness, Sir, and can't a young lady (especially an Irish young lady) take as much care of herself as if she were just the Lord Lieutenant himself? BURNIIAM BEECHES. (MR. VERNON HEATH, the best of landscape photographers, writes to the Times to announce the fall of "the Monarch," one of the most patriarchal pollards of Burnham Beeches) THE Monarch tree we 've sat beneath, With fun and fizz and peaches, Has vanished, teste VERNON HEATH, From glorious Burnham Beeches. That patriarch of the pollard wood Stout arms no longer reaches, Chief of that mighty multitudeThe famous Burnham Beeches. Beneath it, lady of my heart! I've made you pretty speeches, While you were eating damson-tart, In shade of Burnham Beeches. Champagne's been popped-the question, too (We know how Love beseeches) Ah, what said I, and what said you, That day, at Burnham Beeches ? I think I quoted LUTTRELL's lines Homeward we drove our four-in-hand, You sat beside me on the box: Your Patriarch, O photographer! Spread of Evil Example. (From the Railway Curriage to the Lecture-Room.) AT a recent Meeting of the Archæological Society (if we may believe the report of a respectable journal) the Company embraced several Ladies! "PREBENDARY PERRY also opposed the Motion, as did CANON MILLER. The latter referred to an occurrence reported as having happened at St. Alban's, Holborn, on Sunday, when the officiating curate, pointing to the legal vestment to which he was limited under a recent judgment, called it a thing,' and refused to celebrate the Holy Communion in it." So, on the other hand, 'some reverend young gentlemen occasionally kiss the vestment they are going to put on. But we are not sure of such clergy's gender. There have been female sailors. May not young ladies in disguise have contrived to enter the Church? Perhaps it was one. of these, officiating at St. Alban's, whose tongue bewrayed her : "And diskivered her tender sex." And so she stood confessed as one whose proper wear was petticoats, when, in a fit of vexation at having to wear a vestment she thought ugly, she called it "a thing." THE CRY OF CONVOCATION.-" Old Clo! Old Clo!" FIXTURES FOR JULY. SB EDNESDAY, July 7.-Grand Houses of Lords and Com- Alexandra Palace. 9. Meeting at Magnificent House, to form a School of Millinery and Dressmaking on the plan of the "School of Cookery." 10. Grand Entertainment at the Mansion House in honour of the Eton and Harrow Elevens. 13. Bazaar in Westmin ster Hall (by the kind permission of the authorities), in aid of the funds of the Society for the Relief of Aged and Indigent Dervishes in Eastern Countries. To be opened by the LORD MAYOR and Sheriffs in State. 14. Banquet of the Worshipful and Ancient Company of WarmingPan Makers to the London Vestrymen. 15. Annual Meeting of the Association for Shortening Ladies' Dresses. 17. Cricket-Match at Lord's between the past and present Ministry. 19. Annual Dinner of the Farinaceous Society. 20. Whitebait Dinner at Blackwall to the Shoeblack Brigade. 21. Soirée of the Meteorological Society (weather permitting) on Hampstead Heath. 22. Conversazione of Chinamaniacs at South Kensington Museum. 24. Great Pumpkin Show at the Crystal Palace. 26. Match on the Skating Rink at Prince's between the two Houses of Convocation. 27, and following days. Great Bonnet Show in Good wood Park. 28. Laying of the Foundation Stone of the new Wing of the Refuge for Reduced Chaperones. 30. Assembly in London of a European Congress to deliberate on the propriety of devising a new set of Quadrille figures. 31. Last great Flower Show of the Season-Wallflowers, Maiden's Blush Roses, Heartsease, Marigolds, Sweet Williams, Forget-menots, &c. MAN TO MAN. MR. PUNCH,-The natives, not by any means to say the savages, of the Admiralty Islands teach us how entirely to dispense with undertakers. See the letter in the Times about them from on board H.M.S. Challenger. They neither inter nor burn their dead. They bury them-in themselves. I know this practice is called "Cannibalism;" but that once offensive word has in these days of progress become a mere descriptive noun. Chemically, animal matter is animal matter. The elements of Man do not materially differ from those of Ox, or Sheep, or Pig. The Admiralty Islanders eat man, although they refuse dog. But so enlightened a people can have no superstitious objection to dog; they have doubtless tried dog, and found dog to be bad, whereas they find man good. account "Earth to Earth" an arrangement less philanthropic than "Man to Man." At any rate, I had as lief be eaten as either burnt or basketed. of those other islanders. It is singular that they are totally ignoHowever, we cannot at present in this island imitate the obsequies because pure. We should disagree with one another, dead, worse rant of the use of tobacco and spirits." Hence, their flesh is esculent, than we do, living. Before we can be Cannibals we must become Teetotallers. Let LAWSON put that in his pipe, and smoke it, even if he eschew tobacco. But I have trespassed too far on your valuable space in observations less appropriate now, perhaps, than they would be in the Dead Season. Believe me to be, in every possible respect, yours without prejudice, VAMPIRUS GYPS, Ph. D. The Zoo, LADIES AND BABIES. LADIES have their will and their won't: There Nurses travel and Babies squall, To ride in a Railway Nursery. If spoons should end in marriage. Well, spoons may end so, Lady fair! 'Tis a somewhat troublesome ending: Is a noisy, troublesome creature ; Is there any harm in the brief romance If he offers Punch, you may see at a glance That test is sure, my pretty waif; If he loves his Punch, is an escort safe, PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. ACCORDING to the Athenæum, "interviewing," as practised by American Journalists, is about to assume a new shape. One of these gentry is on the eve of publishing his experiences of interviews with representatives of the leading London periodicals. He claims to have "interviewed" Mr. Punch and the Editors of "the Daily Telegraph, Church Times, Bell's Life, Standard, Morning Post, Reynolds' Miscellany, Illustrated News, and the Athenæum. Mr. Punch, of course, cannot say what will be published about him with an American Journalist may be safely reported as follows:— on the present occasion, but he thinks that any future interview American Journalist. Mr. Punch, as you refused me admittance at the front door, you see I have availed myself of the chimney. May I ask you why it is so dirty? Mr. Punch. Certainly. I have it cleaned three times a week, By consigning the remains of the defunct to the interiors of the but that is scarcely sufficient to get rid of the soot caused by the living, these economical islanders not only incur no funeral ex-consumption daily of many tons of rejected contributions. penses, but altogether exempt themselves from the need and the American Journalist. Do you possess a horsewhip, Mr. Punch? nuisance of cemeteries. They at the same time render their population in a great measure self-sustaining. Science will in due time teach them to utilise, in agriculture, the bones which they cannot crunch, and as yet seem not to know what to do with. These Anthropophagi are no common Cannibals. They eat, but do not, unless perhaps occasionally, kill their kind. Their Cannibalism, in fact, is next to Vegetarianism in point of gentleness. Let us talk no more of Cannibalism. Let us call it "Comesture." For my part, I should like to be as useful as I can to those I leave behind me. Accordingly, I prefer Comesture to Cremation, and * Mr. Punch. I hope you will now feel that your question is superfluous. American Journalist. You have certainly given me ample proofs, Mr. Punch, that you do possess a horsewhip. How many feet is your first-floor window from the street, Mr. Punch? Mr. Punch. Pray, Sir, go and see for yourself! * The American Journalist having gracefully retired through the window, Mr. Punch returned to his desk. PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. RIESTLY authority in Ireland sets its face against the Dublin Training School for National Teachers. A plan has been suggested for boardingout Roman Catholic pupil teachers in houses approved by their clergy. The Government (Lords, Monday, July 5), don't see their way to this, and give various reasons quite wide of the real one, which is no doubt an unwillingness to offend certain sections of their supporters by anything that looks like concession to priestly power in Ireland. Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind." The Church and the School are at loggerheads, and School goes to the wall. THE DUKE OF RICHMOND is seriously thinking of striking the "Knowingly" out of his Adulteration Bill. The absurdity of throwing upon the buyer the proof that the seller knows what he is selling has proved too much even for the contentedness of that most contented and Conservative public whose remonstrances reach Richmond. There must be at least ten miles of them! (Commons.) Levée en masse of the Common Lawyers in the House, against the Constitution of the Intermediate Court of Appeal, botched up by the Government to save the rest of the Judicature Act. "Hawks should na' pike out hawks' een.' The Lawyers of both bars ought to imitate the Scotch Members, and wash their legal linen in private. Their tighting powers should be reserved for their cases and their clients. Let Q.C.s fight to prove black white Their briefs are marked thereto : 'Tis what they're paid to do. But, Lawyers, in the House ne'er let "When thieves fall out," says the proverb, "honest men come by their own." If the disagreement of Lawyers involve the same consequence, there should be every prospect of a satisfactory Court of Intermediate Appeal. The Judicature Act would have reduced the Judges from eighteen to fifteen. "The Government has been convinced by the communications it has received" that it would be undesirable to lessen the number of judicial nests for the callow brood in bombazine and horsehair who aspire to those calm retreats, built high above the disturbance of political winds, and the catastrophes of parties. So "Hush-a-bye, Q.C., upon the tree-top! As the Judges are now so the Judges shall stop!" The Judicial Committee of Privy Council is not to be starved to furnish forth the new Court of Appeal. That, at least, seems a change for the better. The rules and orders to be made by the Judges under the new Act are not to overrule Common or Statute Law (80 likely they would!); but are to be confined to "pleading, practice, and procedure." Lords (Tuesday).-Public Health Bill (300 clauses) passed through Committee in a jiffey. Punch feels he cannot too much commend the wisdom of their Lordships. Take example, ye contentious Commons! That is the way to deal with a Consolidation Bill. If you would imitate the wisdom of your betters-it would be a shame to call them your Peers-every branch of the Law which has got into Statutory Chaos-and what branch has not ?-might have its Chaos reduced to Order by Consolidation preparatory to real amendment only possible when the want to be supplied, or the blunder to be rectified, is clear to the meaner capacities of common lay minds. Of Statute Law, unlike liquids, it may be said it never is clear until consolidated.. (Commons.) Civil Service Estimates. MR. GORST tried to get rid of the examiners of criminal accounts, who have occasionally made the Treasury odious by penny-wisdom leading to miscarriage of justice. It is to be hoped that this kind of penny-wisdom, in so serious a matter as the conduct of criminal prosecutions, will henceforth be as systematically snubbed as there is reason to fear it has, at times, been systematically encouraged (in common with much other pennywisdom) at the Treasury. An hour was devoted to the grievances of THOMAS DUFFY, ex-canteen keeper at the Curragh, turned out by the War Office for selling drink to the military at illegal hours. Who dares say the House of Commons is not the Grand (and petty) Inquest of the Nation? Mighty enough to measure the designs of Russia, it is not too great to weigh the grievances of DUFFY! What followed (on MR. BAILLIE COCHRANE's speech, calling attention to the progress of Russia in Central Asia), in these days of military manoeuvres, Punch takes the liberty of condensing into a brief dialogue in the camp and barrack style:English Sentry (to Russ Outpost, moving towards Afghanistan). Qui va la P Russ Outpost. Friend! English Sentry (after looking to Foreign Office and India Office for instructions, and getting none). Pass, Friend- |