'WHEN OUR GUDE MAN'S AWA'.

I GRANT that the title which I have chosen for this paper is far-fetched. I own that it is open to the suspicion of being affected. I admit that it may, on a cursory inspection, appear misleading. But since, in a whimsical sort of way, it fitted the main object I had in view when I determined on the present 'deliverance,' I have selected the label in preference to many others which came under my anxious consideration. The good man I have in my mind is not the agricultural, or maritime, hero—which was he?of William Julius Mickle's homely ballad. So that he belongs to any section of the vast middle class, his nationality is immaterial.

carpeting, whenever the mind of the company is troubled on the subject of measurements or leaks. The gas can enter the castle at all 'reasonable' times for the purpose of diagnosing the meter, the right to determine what times are reasonable resting (under the statute) with the said company. If the gas supplied by the company is impure in quality and deficient in quantity, and you have the temerity to apprise the officer and gentleman or nobleman's nephew who collects the accounts of the damaging fact, you become from that moment a marked man-in the books of the company-and your castle is less your own than ever. Should you be out of town when the patrician collector drops in, he appals the resident domestic by his Bismarckian manner, and, empowered by the company's comprehensive sta tute, sends a ruffian hot footed, with a basket of tools, who thereupon 'cuts you off.' A castle! Was there ever a case of a vestry's consulting the convenience of the Occupant as to the laying bare of dilapidated drains, and the tearing up of adjacent roads and footways? I have no hesitation in replying, Never. The entrance to your castle may be blocked up, your moat filled with rubbish, your portcullis thrown out of gear, and your favourite dungeon keep rendered unfit for human habitation, for aught the vestry cares. As for the members of the police force, it would be impossible to assign a limit to their powers of interference with the internal economy of the castle. If you have a fancy for keeping

He may be a sagacious Scot, a stolid Teuton, or a vivacious Celt-a 'bite,' a 'moonraker,' or an Africander: if he dwell in the suburbs of Cockaigne, and be in the habit of going from home every working-day immediately after a very early breakfast, and remaining from home until evening, he is the person I have figured.

It is popularly believed that an Englishman's house is his castle. The slightest reflection will suffice to reveal the humiliating hollowness of the boast. The castle which the Englishman occupies in Suburbia he revels in under favour of a contemptuous water company, his next-door neighbours, an abominable gas company, the vestry, the ground-renter, and the police. The water company is at liberty to invade the castle, and distribute muddy impressions of its boots upon the Brussels stair

pets-say, pigs, or polecats, or alligators-whose habits happen to be offensive to the nostrils of the police, your castle is again assailed, and your favourites sentenced to immediate banishment.

But it is chiefly during the absence of the proprietor of a castle in Cockaigne that the integrity of the edifice is imperilled-that is, 'when our gude man's awa'.' And it is no discredit to the soft sex' to proclaim the circumstance. There are Prince Robbers for ever on the prowl, who in their way are as difficult of repulsion as Mistress William Purefoy found the fiery Prince Rupert when, in her good man's absence, she refused to surrender Caldecot Manor House to the rapacious spoiler and his six hundred horse. How she, her sonin-law, her two daughters, eight serving-men, and a few maid-servants, kept Prince Robber and his horde at bay it boots not to describe. The stand which one would wish the Mistress Purefoys of today to make against the modern Prince Robbers and their horde is more diplomatic than deadly. There is no occasion for our brave women and sturdy kitchen wenches to run the pewter of their dishes into bullet-moulds in order to provide final means of defence against assaults from without. With the dog allowed his liberty, and with 'the chain on' at the hall-door, a cockney middle-class castle may be securely held from the rising of the sun to the going down thereof, whether 'our gude man's awa',' or not.

The bargain-hunting Mrs. Toodles* is one of the greatest foes to the integrity of the castle whom our gude man' has to fear. If that worthy lady confined her attentions to the secondhand sentry

boxes and antique coal-scuttles
(captives of her bow' and bid) ob-
tainable at snug auctions or by
means of private treaty miles dis-
tant from the castle, it would not
so much matter. But she is ever
on the alert for a bargain. The
operative comb-maker, the de-
pressed tradesman, lady, who made
every comb he 'olds in 'is 'and,
as Muster Adams who hemplied
his father before him, and who
would be the fust person in Lon-
don to give 'im a job of work if
times was not so 'ard, lady, well
knows the operative comb-maker
finds Mrs. Toodles as easy to mol-
lify as it would be-lor' blesh yer!
-for 'im to mop up a pot of four
arf. Yas ! This is what the
operative comb-maker imparts to a
bosom friend, over a pewter mea-
sure by the side of a leaden coun-
ter, after a visit to Castle Toodles
during the absence of the male pro-
prietor of that comfortable abode.
That which Mrs. T. has done may be
easily conjectured. The depressed
tradesman, who has not 'ad a job
o' work for nineteen weeks, except
what he done to the goods he
brings out to sell, arter beggin' the
money from door to door to buy
the rore metterial; the depressed
tradesman, with a pore wife down
with a spiral complaint wich re-
quires expensive nourishment, lady,
and three little children steps an'
stairs in hage, and never a one of
'em, pore dears! able to earn so
much as a crust; the operative comb-
maker would be only too happy if
he could meet with a Mrs. Toodles
every hour in his predatory work-
ing day. She has purchased an
assortment of combs. Being al-
ready amply provided with the
article in question, every specimen
of this particular branch of the
commerce of the East (which, if
you please, is my euphemistic way
of saying that the combs were pur-
chased in Houndsditch) which she

has invested in is unnecessary. If, at the time of purchase, worthy Mrs. Toodles had been entirely destitute of combs, four-fifths of the collection she has added to the store of Castle Toodles would be superfluous, assuming them to be usable, which, it is almost unnecessary to remark, they, after one trial, are most certainly not. Tomorrow morning, Mr. T., benevolently incited thereto by madam, will make trial of a comb. In the result his head, as well as his soul, will be harrowed, and each particular hair will stand on end-and, mind you, at his time of life, each particular hair is to him an object of daily anxiety-the while he pours forth language which, set to suitable music, would not be out of place in the most sulphuretted act of an English version of Der Freischütz. On the retirement of Mr. Toodles from the scene of his morning martyrdom, with a sore head and a sorer temper, good Mrs. Toodles will pack up the remaining combs with the philanthropic reflection, Ah, well, if they are rubbidge, as John says, and if I have given seventy-five per cent too much for them, they will do beautiful for a bazaar! Romantic Mrs. Toodles never could resist the wood-notes wild of the unkempt and unwashed Romany, especially when Mr. R. besieged the castle armed with a crimson-headed tawny bearded parlour - broom. Mrs. Toodles is persuaded that

every article of household furniture that depends from the wagon which so frequently passes Castle Toodles was manufactured by the dusky nomads of Epsom and Moulsey Hurst, in the sylvan recesses of a Forest of Arden, or by the romantic margin of a murmuring river. If Mr. Toodles should ever explore the underground dungeons of his castle, he will find them

rich in the remains of the bargains

which, during many adventurous years, she has obtained from the Coopers and Lees of ancient Egypt —and modern Notting Hill. But, your pardon, Mr. Gradgrind, it is high time we got to facts.

I am satisfied that there are rogues and vagabonds in the metropolis who make a fat and happy living' (to borrow Mr. Weller's phrase) out of the inviting verdure of newly-married couples. My case, some twenty years ago, differed from that of the average husband freshly settled in London with a country-bred young wife, in so far as I belonged to a profession whose members are, to use a word which the reader will find in the Slang Dictionary, fly' to most of the artifices which are daily put in operation by clever swindlers to "gude man's awa'.' I therefore entrap the unwary wife when her laid down certain rules for her governance, obedience to which

would, I felt confident, keep the enterprising freebooters at bay. tically that 'the lady of the house' (Here I would observe parenthewho skips the reports of the policecourts in the morning paper negduties. Jones's unfortunate exlects an essential part of her daily perience the day before yesterday, porter in to-day's paper, may as related by the police-court reRobinson's experience to-morrow, if Mrs. Robinson should overlook the narrative in her cursory ex

be

ploration of the contents of the inevitable journal.) For the first six weeks after entering upon our modest abode in one of the most

umbrageous streets of Barnsbury, the castle was not attempted. Mendicants came, of course; but finding their visits fruitless went away and returned not. Lizzerbeth, the maid-of-all-work we had tempted to leave 'the apartments' journed, and take service with us wherein we had temporarily so

at our
own genteel residence,
was quite competent to deal with
them. Lizzerbeth was a native
of London, and familiar with
its 'goings on.' During the brief
period named, the wife of a cler-
gyman had called with a multi-
form subscription list, and several
emissaries from Sunday schools
with begging-cards; but since the
sharer of my income declined to
contribute either to a society for
promoting anything, or a fund for
sending the children's mothers
anywhere, I did not consider my-
self called upon to inquire into the
bona-fides of the clergyman's wife
or the genuineness of the Sunday
scholars.

The first serious attempt to take
advantage of my absence from the
castle was not less creditable to the
powers of observation than it was
to the ingenuity of the author of
the effort. (I may premise that my
quarterly account for articles of
stationery is considerable.) That
evening I had scarcely opened
the door, when Mrs. C. appeared,
looking somewhat unduly flushed.
She tendered me a sheet of blue
paper, upon which I saw an en-
graved heading and lines and figures.
'Ah,' said I to myself, 'an in-
voice: from whom, I wonder?'

'I thought you told me when we were married that we were to have no secrets,' said Mrs. C., with asperity.

So I did,' I replied; and, so far as I am concerned, there are

none.'

'Wait a bit,' said I to my wife; and I rushed off to the nearest Post-Office Directory. As I suspected, there was no such firm.

Convinced by my assurance that the presentation of the invoice was 'a try on,' convinced, and repenting of having made unjust accusations against her husband, she told me that a gentleman had called that morning, an hour after my departure, and asked for the money. He said their terms were cash, and the bill had been owing for more than a month. He had called at the office- the locality and character of which he accurately described-again and again, but without finding me in. As it would be impossible for him to return to Barnsbury again for some time, and his orders from the firm were imperative, she had better pay the money, or at any rate an instalment-say a pound-in order to prevent legal proceedings.

'And what did you say, dear ?' I queried.

I told him I had not got the money in the house-which was true; for you remember my asking for some this morning, and your saying I should have it to-night.'

I do, dear,' I replied; and the moral of that is, as the Duchess said to Alice in Wonderland, never leave any surplus cash in the care of your wife. Had the ingenious stationer deferred his visit until to-morrow, he would indubitably have secured that sovereign on account. This must be a warning to you to pay no mysterious tradesman's bill at the door. As for the invoice, it shall be added to the voluminous archives of the police.'

I may add that, since my wife's fortunate adventure with the bill, several presentors of that kind of document have become inmates of her Majesty's prisons. I am inclined, therefore, to believe that

KK

my friend from the phantom firm
of stationers, Barbican, E.C., has
been provided with employment
in one of those admirable establish-

ments.

Mrs. C. was equal to the next occasion of an attempt to enforce an entrance into the castle. The plausible assailant was a gentleman got up like a British operative, in a greasy cap, a slop of suspicious purity, and corduroys. He carried a tool-basket, and was armed with an open sesame' in the shape of a slip of paper, upon which was inscribed the name of a neighbouring builder. He said he been ordered by the gentleman to come and repair the drorin-room grate. The lady would see by that 'ere paper the name of his master.'

The lady (with the chain upon the hall-door) flatly declined to see anything-even the toe of the applicant's foot upon the door-mat. The glimpse she obtained of his face and tool-basket was enough. He looked like a snapper-up of unconsidered trifles; and what was that apparently empty basket for,

she should like to know? Moreover there was nothing the matter with the drawing-room grate. If it had been that nasty gas-cooking If it

stove which I had taken off the

hands of the former tenant, she might have been induced to open the door; but when the man said

he had come about the drawingroom grate, she was positive he was no more honest a person than he looked. She told him he might leave the paper if he liked, and

'Of course he did not like,' I broke in.

'Well, the artifice is

musty, as every diligent reader of his newspaper ought to know. Nevertheless you are to be congratulated on your successful repulse of a ruffian who is probably

not only a thief on his own account, but a confederate of superior thieves a sort of jackal or

lion's provider. Had he got in to repair the grate, he would probably have arranged for a return visit, accompanied by a friend or two, when he would have effected an entrance without your aid, or mine, during the silent watches of the night.'

I supplied the police with a de scription of the wandering workman, and heard no more about

him.

A burglary occurring about this time a short distance from our abode led to my adding a dog to the household. (Dear old Bran! he died with us.) The 'crib' that was 'cracked' was the house and

shop of a prosperous seedsman. One corner of the side of the street in which I lived was formed by a large hotel, which also had a frontage in the adjacent thoroughfareone of the trunk roads of the district. The seedsman's place was next door, in this thoroughfare, with a small garden behind abutting on to another row of gardens, of which our very modest strip of ground some distance off

was one. The thieves had effected an easy entrance into the upper of a workshop adjoining the tavern. part of the premises from the roof much deliberation was proved by That they had gone to work with

the number of bundles of 'swag' portation when the police effected which were found ready for de

what was afterwards described as remarkable feature of the case was ' a clever capture of burglars.' The that, notwithstanding the frantic and incessant outcry of the seedsretriever, the owner of the house man's dog, a magnificent black slept like a top through the whole of the transaction. When he was roused from his slumbers it was

by X Y Z 93, who informed him

that his house had been broken into, and the burglars captured. The dog would unquestionably