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Lady. Your lodgings !-surely I'm not deceiv'd. -Pray, sir, whose room is this? Ap-Hazard. Mine, ma'am-these are my apart
In the next room there lodges à dashing young baronet : nobody knows his name; because he is so afraid of being tap'd on the shoulder, that he has'nt ftir'd out since he came. - Over head is an old lady, who is all day fencing-underneath is a young one learning to play on the trumpet--in the the garret is a spouting author and over him is a nightly concert of mewing caterwauling lovers.
Lady. Sir, answer me this question--is the mistress of this house a relation of Sir Bamber's?
Ap-Hazard. No, to be sure she is'nt—hang it, she may though; for now I recollect, I've seen her roll up butter of her own making in manufcripts of his writing.----Well, it's too late for Miss Union now; no doubt she has given me up; and since you've been the cause of my disappointing one dear creature, make me amends by allowing me to make love to a dearer-one kiss
Lady. Don't come near me, fir !
Ap-Hazard. I thought you'd prove a lucky star, and you have: my heart forbodes such a scene of good fortune-(offers to kiss her)nay, if I don't behave like a gentleman, may I never turn up an honour as long as I live!
Lady. Keep off, I insist, fir !- Is this your generosity! Oh, Sir Charles Danvers !-Sir Charles Danvers - what misery has our union entailed upon me!-what have I suffered by forming an alliance, without considering whether there was fortune or affection to support it.
Ap-Hazard. Sir Charles Danvers !-pooh !-1 don't care that for him: I've turn'd him out of
one house already; and if he were here at this moment, I'd say to him
Enter Sir CHARLES DANVERS.
Sir Charles. Well, fir !-what would you say to him?
Ap-Hazard. What's to pay ?—Nothing more, upon my word.
Sir Charles. Being in the next room, and hearing my name, I came to see who utter'd it Lady Danvers !-alone-and in the apartments of my enemy!What! because he has supplanted me in my uncle's affections, does he rival me in yours ?-because he is heir to a large fortune, is he more worthy your regard, than a ruin'd, loft, unhappy husband Speak!
Lady. Sir Charles, your former good opinion I do not wish to forfeit; and if not lov’d, I cannot bear to be despis’d. I have been betray'd here: first, by the artifices of Miss Union and Orville ; and next, by the treachery of your uncle and his friend. --This is my juftification: and now judge, whether he can atone for the loss of a husband, who till this hour I honour'd and esteem'd.
Sir Charles. Hear me, sir!-What ill intentions urg'd you to attempt such daring villainy?
Ap-Hazard. Ill luck, not ill intentions, I assure you, fir.-A woman never led me into a scrape before: and I thought by sticking close to an angel, to keep the devil at an agreeable distance.
But I fee Love as well as Fortune makes a fool of me they're both blind to my meritsand so good-night.
Sir Charles. Hold, fir!--stir not a step ! Lady Danvers, misfortune, not hatred, parted us; E 2
and with my life I'll guard you from your ente mies–Give me your hand-Ah! you once gave it me
Lady. I did : and if it be worth keeping, take it again, Sir Charles. I've bought experience since you left me; and I feel a pleasure in declaring, that were I single to-morrow, there is but one man on earth should have my hand and heart -and that one, is Sir Charles Danvers.
Sir Charles. Is it possible ?-You transport me!
Ap-Hazard. So she did me just now. -Take care, my fine fellow—take care !-A man never has a cup-full of joy in one hand, but presently pops a pail-full of sorrow in the other.
Lady. I'll make one more appeal to my mother; I have now a new tale to unfold to her: and if we can but convince her, and your uncle, of Miss Union's duplicicy, we may be happy still. -Why that ligh, Sir Charles
Sir Charles. My debts have fallen into other hands : old Colonel Orville is dead: and my greatest foe is now my chief creditor.-Orville is determined to throw me into prison: and on his account I was driven to those rooms; for which I have now reason to thank him ; since this interview has prov'd, my Juliana, that though divided by necessity, we're still united by dearer ties than matrimonial bonds—by mutual inclination-by disinterested love.,
Lody. We are: and, but for our enemies, Sir CharlesSir Charles. Ay: but for them !
-'Sdeath! when I think how you have been treated ! However, let me lose no time in conducting you to your mother's. I'll make at least one example amongst themAnd you, firmark mefir !
wait till I return; and then be prepared to give me such fatisfaction as the honour of an injur'd husband demands ! [Exit with Lady Danvers.
Ap-Hazard. An injur’d husband demands !very well--fire' away, gentlemen !-if I had ten thousand lives, I dare say you'd take them allthey shan't, though—(draws a chair and sits in it) -Here I perch for life !—from this chair I never stir-here I'll wrap myself up like an owl in an old tree, and then let the tempest bellow round me-Heigho! (looks at the wine on the table) I should like to drink a glais of wine to raise my fpirits !--(gets half up)--No-Iwon't budge--if I stir, I know I shall tread on that infernal piece of orange peel, flip down, and break my neck! Plague on't !-will there never come a turn in my favour?—will Fortune never I'll sit cross'd leg’d for luck-Ha! I have it--if my pocket-book is’nt stolen, there's a bill of my father's in it now due here it is !-I'll touch the cash directly-fet off for Wales to night-leave these Cocknies to fight it out by themselves—laugh at having trick'd them, and for as he is going enter Miss Union.)
Miss Union. And so---make appointments with one lady, only to keep them with another !---let me bite my fingers for two hours, and be the whole time fighing here with Lady Danvers !--What have you got there? a list of assignations I suppose---snatches the pocket-book from him)--I'll teach you how to keep them ! there !---( tears leaves out of the book, note, &c.)
Ap-llazard. You've torn my father's note ! 0 Lord! What's to pay ?
Miss Union. (Knock at the door) Mercy! who's here?
Enter a SERVANT. Servant. Sir Charles Danvers has just fent, fir, to desire you'll follow him to Hyde Park, and bring pistols with you, directly.
Ap-Hazard. I'll come. Now I can get rid of this plague---and if I go near the Park-Oh! I'll nip thro' all their fingers yet.
Enter another SERVANT.
Servant. Mr. Orville and his second are at the door in a post-chaise, fir--and he swears, if you don't instantly set out for Hamburgh, he'll poft you for a coward.
[Exit. Ap-Hazard. It never rains but it pours,
Enter anotber SERVANT.
Servant. Mrs. Seymour, and Sir Bamber Blackletter, sir---they say you have carried off Lady Danvers, and if you don't instantly restore her to her mother, your life must answer for the consequences.
Ap-Hazard. Very well :---hew them up---only say, my life is bespoke by so many people, that if they don't make haste, I shan't have a bit of fileth left to peck at---( Servant exit.)---this is the crisis! : Miss Union. Heavens !---if they should find me here ---Mr. Ap. Hazard---my dear Mr. Ap-Hazard---only get me out of this scrape---Where shall I hide myself!
Ap-Hazard. (in a reverie)--- In a brass-mine ;--for me---I'll consult the stars.
Miss Union. Consult the stars, and let me be discover’d---here they come, and I know they'll search every hole and corner to find Lady Dan5