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return to Miss Union's : for I'd rather be accus'd of having written all the new novels of last year, than prov'd to be author of your present elopement. -Mercy on me! here's one of our purTuers. (They go up the stage.)
Enter Ap-HAZARD, (the flap of his coat torn).
Ap-Hazard. Here's luck now !---I receive an assignation from Miss Union---keep on my best dress
Sir Bamber. Oh, its only you, is it?
Ap-Hazard. I receive an assignation, I say--knock at the lady's door---all joy and expectation ---when a little square terrier-fac'd fellow seizes me by the Aap of the coat ; tears it asunder ; calls me a money-lender, himself a coach-maker, and swears I swindl'd him out of a chariot worth three hundred pounds. ---I explain ; and he coolly walks off, saying he never saw one man more like another than I am to the notorious A. B. - Curse him ! I must go home, and refit myself for the aflignation.
Šir Bamber, (stopping him). Don't you see Lady Danvers ? ---she's all gratitude for your gallantry; and, between ourselves, she 'has made notes on your figure : she likes your title-page---your frontispiece---mum---She's fond of you.
Ap-Hazard. They all are !---Oh, with the women I'm always fortunate !---bless them! they never got me into a scrape.
Sir Bamber. Didn’t they ?---you're a luckier fellow then than I thought you.
Ap-Hazard. Never: they never lead any body into mischief. Sir Bamber. No !----why here's one of them
has put a full stop to all my flights in love and literature.---- The sex never get you into difficulties, you say? -I've a great mind to fix him with the care of. Lady Danvers-- (aside)---I will.
-Hark’ye !--- she's in a particular situation--she wants a protector.
Ap-Hazard. A protector !
Sir Bamber. Ay: don't you know what a protector is?
Ap-Hazard. Oh !---a man who takes care of himself.
Sir Bamber. Come, that's a new reading.– She has no home, I tell you ; and as I heard you fay you were going to your lodgings, will you take her under your arm?
Ap-Hazard. Will I not ! -My dear Bam, always put yourself in Fortune's way.----Madam!
Sir Bamber. Hush ! I'll speak to her. -What a nanny-goat it is ! .-.( aside.) Juliana -I can't keep my countenance---(laughing) you see the danger of going to my house, and object to return to Miss Union's, I've thought of a snug shelf for you: a female relation of mine lives in the next street, and this favourite of the ladies (smiling at Ap-Hazard) here will conduct you---nay, he'll fight for you, I warrant; though not a profess'd duellift, he can crack a skull as well as any cudgeller in England.
Lady. Sir, I've no reason to think Mr. Ap Hazard will lead me into danger.
Ap-Hazard. There you're wrong, madam ; I never take a step without getting into danger: and since I entered this inauspicious town, I've got into every scrape a man can get into---except
Lody. And what is that one?
Ap-Hazard. A law-suit !---I've had no commerce with the lawyers; although I've heard there are 200,000, I've escaped them all: and that's an equivalent for most of my bad fortune.--Come, let's begone, madam. I say, don't you
Sir Bamber. I do: John Gilpin was nothing to you. ---Stop though: treat her kindly---behave like a man of honour.
Ap-Hazard. Honour !----now I think on’t, what's become of Miss Union ?---she's waiting all this time, and -Well! I'll see her fafe, (pointing to Lady Danvers) and then once more for the assignation.- Lady Danvers, I've an arm to fight for you, a head to plot for you, and a heart to feel for you !---and-Oh, Sir Bam! “ there is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the food, leads on to fortune:" I'm now at high-water mark, and this pilot will steer me into such an ocean of luck, that henceforth my watch-word shall be “ what's to receive ?” never will I ask "ś what's to pay ?” again.
[Exit with Lady Danvers. Sir Bamber. Ha, ha, ha!---Good luck to you.
-Now there'll be no blood spilt: I can triumph over Mrs. Seymour and her son, and preserve Miss Union and Trickarinda.
Enter Tom and Mrs. SEYMOUR.
Tom. Where is my sister, fir ? ---You have decoy'd her from the opera, and taken me. from an harpooning party at Putney, where the fish are now waiting for me----Deliver her up this inftant, or by the regatta I swearSir Bam. None of your pitch and tar here, fir!
Mrs. Seymour, least this libellous report should injure me in Miss Union's good opinion, I am compelled to give up the real author at once----my hopeful heir is the gentleman.----Lady Danvers is this instant gone with Ap-Hazard to his lodgings.
Tom. Oh you old marauder !----what! follow the track of Munchausen ?----try to outsail that great discoverer on the marvellous oceanAll I know is, if Ap-Hazard has steer'd off with the Juliana brig, there'll be a pretty smart engagement between her and the Union fire-ship.
Mrs. Seymour. Hold, fir !----hav'nt I told you not to reflect on that good woman?
Tom. And hav'nt I told you to reflect on that good woman ?--I say Miss Union is a crazy veffel; and as a proof of it, she sent Ap-Hazard a love-letter----he shew'd it me; and may I never set the Thames on fire, if I don't think she is now in his cabin.Juliana's a good girl; and takes too much after her brother, to act in an unfailorlike or dishonourable manner.
Sir Bamber. This is’nt to be borne !Mrs. Seymour, that you may be eye-witness of mine and Miss Union's innocence, will you go with me to Ap-Hazard's lodgings ?--In the mean time, your illiterate amphibious son here may examine
Mrs. Seymour. With all my heart.-Come, sir.
Sir Bamber, (to Tom). Mind though-when you enter the library, don't steal any of the manuscripts.
Tom. I steal them !-pooh! they're too heavy for the Sprightly Kitty: one cargo of black-letter ballast would sink her and the whole crew. Mrs. Seymour. Will you never forego this aqua
tic mania ?-will you never be creditable to your family, or useful to your country?
Tom. Useful to my country ? --I never had an opportunity of proving it. But I'll tell you what-if an enemy's fleet appears off our coast, I'll not trouble myself about the salt-water, because there are tight lads enough to take care of the Channel ; but for fresh-water, if they venture above bridge; only let me catch 'em in Chelsea Reach, and I and the Sprightly Kitty will give them such broadsides.--Oh! we'll assert the dignity of old Thames; and, while we've a plank to stand on, protect its fisheries, coal-barges, navigation, and trade.
[Exeunt. SCENE-AP-HAZARD's Lodgings; a Table, with
Wine ; two Chairs.
Enter Ap-HAZARD and LADY DANVERS. Ap-Hazard, (in another coat). Now to meet Miss Union-Good b’ye: order what you want.
Lady. Don't leave me, I entreat you.
Ap-Hazard. Not leave you !-I'm sure you'll pardon me when I confess I've an assignation ; the lady has been waiting these two hours : and no wonder at it, for when I set out for one place, I'm so sure of arriving at another, that the other day, when I meant to dine at Hyde-Park Corner, the drunken hackney-coachman set me down at Shoreditch church.
Lady. I only ask you to remain till the mistress of the house comes home.-Pray have you ever feen or convers'd with her ?
Ap-Hazard. Saw her this morning; she brought me my bill; and because I wasn't fortunate enough to pay her, the bid me quit my lodgings.