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SCENE--The Coffee-room at the Opera House the

Bar, with Women behind Fruit, Ise, Lemonade, &c. on it.

Enter three Orange Women.

First Woman (speaking to the woman at the Bar.) A tumbler of water for General Symphony-he was seized with hysterics during the last song.

Second Woman.' A glass of pine ice for the Duchess of Prattle-lhe has talk'd herself into a high fever.

Third Woman. Some jellies for Lord Totterand here--some hartshorn for Lady Danvers, who has fainted away at the door of the coffeeroom.


Orville. Be quick, be quick, I tell you, or Lady Danvers will die-Curse old Sir Bamber to be handing her out of Miss Union's box at a moment-however, I tripp'd up his heels-took her from him, and, if she hadn't fainted with apprehension, by this time she had been safe on the road to my country-house-(woman gives bim bartshorn)-Now to revive her, and then zounds! Sir Bamber again!


Sir Bamber. This opera-house is no house for us literary characters-Oh, Mr. Orville ! I've been fo insulted this instant, as I was conducting Lady


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Danvers out of Miss Union's box, a bullying fellow seiz'd me by the arm--twirl'd me round like a T totum, and sent me head foremost to the ground, as dead as old Chaucer,

Orville. Well, sir, I hope you don't suspect me ?

Sir Bamber. Suspect you !—what the nephew of my dear Miss Union ?-No, nor and yet it's well I know your regard for me, for the fellow was dress'd in a similar coat to your's—though the paffage was dark, and we commentators are very Thort-sighted, yet I'll swear the rascal had on the uniform of La Fleece'em's club.

Orville. Very likely—I'm not the only person here in the uniform-there's Sir Charles Danvers

Sir Bamber. Charles in the uniform !-he the ruffian !-Oh, the desperado !-Well! whoever it is, Mr. Orville, he has not only taken from me the sweetest girl in England, but also the greatest curiosity in the whole world my snuff-box ! my invaluable snuff-box! which Charles the Second gave Killigrew for his jokes, and which a pawnbroker gave me for sixty guineashelp me to search for him

Orville. Excuse me I'm engaged-Now to carry Lady Danvers to my villa, and then she's mine for ever! (aside) Good night, Sir Bamber; and, depend on't, Sir Charles was your assailant. [Exit.

Sir Bamber. Charles my assailant !mchen ApHazard is my heir, and I'll leave Lady Danvers to starve with her husband. I could forgive his taking his wife from me, but to knock me down, and steal my Killigrew!-Oh!—they may both go to Scotland again—I've done with them -I've hah! who comes here ?-another man in the uniform! (ftands aside)


Enter Ap-HAZARD in the Uniform.

Ap-Tlazard. Bravo, Master Ap-Hazard !-since you've put on this uniform, you've come on amazingly-Miis Union has exchang'd such glances with me, that there's no doubt I shall finger the brass yet; and crossing the passage, I found such a valuable curiosity—such a divine snuff-box-(takes a pinch of snuff out of it, and puts it in bis pocket)-ha! Bam! how are you, Bam?

Sir Bamber. Bam !--surely he can't be the ruffian-what brought you here, sir?

Ap-Hazard. I came to see the opera, fir-but the thing's impoffible--I hay’nt had a glimpse of a single dancer or singer.

Sir Bamber. And why, sir?

Ap-Hazard. Because the audience are the performers, and there's nothing to be seen on the stage, but soldiers, scene-shifters, prompters, and those pasteboard figures stuck on to the scenes, call'd men of fashion-Do you know, Bam, in Wales we us'd to pay but fixpence to look at a waggon full of wild beasts—but here, at the operahouse, you pay half-a-guinea to peep only at monkies.

Sir Bamber. Hark ye, fir-didn't you assavlt me just now?

Ap-Haz:ırd. Me assault you?

Sir Bamber. Yes, fir-didn't you take Lady Danvers from me?

Ap-Hazard. Me!--no, no—I was rather unfortunate in the morning, but now I'm in better luck, and we'll be better friends—give me your ban-now-not the goury one-there--and now


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I'll make you amends for fracturing old Geof frey's skull-here-- (Pulling out a paper )–here's such a literary treasure

Sir Bamber. Is there ? let's see it.

Ap-Hazard. 'Gently-no hurry-I look upon you as the father of the literati-ühe chief of commentators--the king of blue stockings--and therefore I'll read to you an original stanza, written by Shakespeare-written for one of the witches in Macbeth.

Sir Bamber. An original stanza for one of the witches !Oh! let me hear.

Ap-Hazard. Ay_never, never publish'd listen.

( Reads.)
Hinx, fpinx, the Devil winks,

The fat begins to fry;
Nobody at home but jumping Joan,

Father, mother, and I.

0, U, T,
With a black, and a brown fnout,

Out! Pout! Out!

There !-isn't that genuine ?

Sir Bamber. Genuine ! I'll take my oath it's Shakespeare's !Yes, yes, Charles was the ruffian--repeat it, my dear boy, repeat it" Hinx, spinx

Ap-Hazard (taking snuff.) The Devil winks” --take a pinch (offering him his own snuff-box )why what do you stare at?-take a pinch, I say.

Sir Bamber (snatching the box from him.) It is ! no it isn't-yes, it is my own dear KilligrewOh, you accomplish'd villain !


Ap-Hazard. Villain !- I found it

Sir Bamber. It's all out now !-he was the arsailant, and Charles is innocent. Now ar'nt you a pretty scoundrel !~At our first interview, you break old Geoffrey's skull; and at the second you crack mine!---Look’ye, you may return to Wales, for I'll adopt a printer's devil-a compositora fly-boy-any body, in preference to such a hinx{pinx impostor!

Ap-Hazard. What !--you give me up, do you?

Sir Bamber. Give you up !--if it wer'nt for Miss Union, I'd have you hang’d!

Ap-Hazard. Well !-what then?
Sir Bamber. What then !

Ap-Hazard. Ay, what then ?-When a man has no luck in one world-damme it's insupportable! I'm tir'd out: and at this moment I'm in such a conflagration, that I could burn the theatre myself, and all the people in it.—Here—give me something cooling-ice-lemonade vinegar ! (goes up to the bar, and in his hurry breaks three or four glasses). Very well !-"What's to pay

? -curse it !" what's to pay ?”

Sir Bamber. Poor Lady Danvers !—I wonder what's become of her: if I could find her, and make her amends---Heh! here she is, and Orville with her!

Enter Lady Danvers, struggling with Orville.

Lady, (Speaking as she enters). Sir, I infift-nay, I muf-I will be heard !

-Gentlemen, if you have any picy, protect me from this hypocrite.. Sir Bamber !- Mr. Ap-Hazard ! you once sav'd my mother in distress, now extend your gallantry to her unfortunate daughter !


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