prudence, and take in Cuba, Hayti, and Mexico, and such parts of all contiguous islands as may offer prospects for an advantageous investment.

Palsied be the arm, then, and blistered the tongue, and humped the back, and broken the legs, and eviscerated the stomach, of every person who dares to think, or even dream of harming it! May the heaviest curses of time fall upon his scoundrelly soul! May his juleps curdle in his mouth. May he smoke none but New Orleans tobacco! May his family be perpetually ascending the Mississippi in a steamboat! May his own grandmother disown him! And may the suffrages of his fellow-citizens pursue him like avenging furies, till he is driven howling into Congress. For oh my dear, dear friends my beloved fellowcitizens, who can foretell the agonies, or the sorrows, or the blights, and the anguish, and the despair, and the black eyes, and the bloody noses, that would follow, upon the dispersion of our too happy, happy family.

The accursed myrmidons of despotism, with gnashing teeth and blood-stained eyes, would rush at large over the planet. They would lap the crimson gore of the most respectable and wealthy citizens. The sobs of females, and the screams of children, would mingle with the bark of dogs and the crash of falling columns. A universal and horrid night would mantle the skies, and one by one, the strong pillars of the universe go crumbling into ruin, amid the gleam of bowie-knives and the lurid glare of exploding steamboats. Anonymous.

CCCXI.

FOURTH OF JULY ORATION.

FELLER-CITIZENS, - I've bin honored with a invite to

norate before you to-day; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to the task, I'm sure you will believe me. I'm a plane man. I don't know nothing about no ded langwidges and am a little shaky on livin ones. There 4, expect no flowry talk from What I shall say will be to the pint, right strate out. I am not a politician and my other habits air good. I've no enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge. But I'm a Union man.

me.

I

luv the Union it is a Big thing and it makes my hart bleed to see a lot of ornery people a-movin heaven heaven, but the other place and earth, to bust it up.

no, not

Feller-Citizens-I haint got time to notis the growth of Ameriky frum the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the Pilgrim and brawt Plymouth Rock with them, but every skool hoy nose our kareer has bin tremenjis. You will excuse me if I don't prase the early settlers of the Kolonies. I spose they ment well, and so, in the novel and techin langwidge of the nusepapers, "peas to their ashis." There was no diskount, however, on them brave men who fit, bled and died in the American Revolushun. We need n't be afraid of setting 'em up two steep. Like my show, they will stand any amount of prase. G. Washington was abowt the best man this world ever sot eyes on. He was a clear-heded, warm-harted, and stiddy goin man. He never slopt over! The prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP OVER! They git filled up and slop. They Rush Things. They travel too much on the high presher principle. They git onto the fust poplar hobby-hoss which trots along, not caring a cent whether the beest is even goin, clear sited and sound or spavined, blind and bawky. Of course they git throwed eventooualy, if not sooner. When they see the multitood goin it blind they go pel mel with it, instid of exertin theirselves to set it right. They can't see that the crowd which is now bearin them triumfuntly on its shoulders will soon diskiver its error and cast them into the hoss pond of oblivyun, without the slitest hesitashun. Washington never slopt over. That was n't George's stile. He luved his country dearly. He was n't after the spiles. He was a human angil in a 3 kornered hat and knee britches, and we shant see his like right away. My frends, we cant all be Washingtons, but we kin all be patrits and behave ourselves in a human and a Christian manner. When we see a brother goin down hill to Ruin let us not give him a push, but let us seeze rite hold of his coat-tails and draw him back to Morality.

Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the characters of seseshers! As well fancy John Bunyan and Dr. Watts in spangled tites, doin the trapeze in a one-horse circus.

I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin ten dollars in Jeff Davis's pocket if he 'd never been born!

C. F. Brown.

I

CCCXII.

MARK TWAIN ON EUROPEAN GUIDES.

TAKE the liberty to relate a little of our experience with those necessary nuisances, European guides. Many a man has wished in his heart he could do without his guide; but, knowing he could not, has wished he could get some amusement out of him as a remuneration for the afflction of his society. We accomplished this latter matter, and if our experience can be made useful to others they are welcome to it.

Guides know about English enough to tangle everything up so that a man can make neither head nor tail of it. They know their story by heart, and tell it as a parrot would, and if you interrupt, and throw them off the track, they have to go back and begin over again. All their lives they are employed in showing strange things to foreigners and listening to their bursts of admiration. It is human nature to take delight in exciting admiration. This becomes a passion with a guide, whose privilege it is, every day, to show strangers wonders that throw into perfect ecstasies of admiration! After we discovered this, we never went into ecstasies any more we never admired anything- we never showed any but impassible faces and stupid indifference in the presence of the sublimest wonders a guide had to display. We had found their weak point, and we made good use of it.

The doctor asked the questions, generally, because he could keep his countenance, and look more like an inspired idiot, and throw more imbecility into the tone of his voice, than any other living man. It comes natural to him.

He

The guides at Genoa are delighted to secure an American party, because Americans so much wonder, and deal so much in sentiment and emotion before any relic of Columbus. Our guide fidgeted about as if he had swallowed a spring mattress. was full of animation, full of impatience. He said, "Come wis me, genteelmen! come! I show you ze letter writing by Christopher Colombo! - write it himself! write it wis his own hand! Come!"

He took us to the municipal palace. After much impressive

fumbling of keys and opening of locks, the stained and aged document was spread before us. The guide's eyes sparkled. He danced about us and tapped the parchment with his finger.

66

What I tell you, genteelmen! Is it not so? See! handwriting Christopher Colombo!-write it himself!"

We looked indifferent — unconcerned. The doctor examined the document very deliberately, during a painful pause. Then he said, without any show of interest,

• Ah

Ferguson what what did you say was the name

of the party who wrote this?"

66

Christopher Colombo! ze great Christopher Colombo!" Another deliberate examination.

"He write it himself! - Christopher Colombo! he's own handwriting, write by himself!"

Then the doctor laid the document down and said, "Why, I have seen boys in America only fourteen years old that could write better than that."

"I don't care who it is! It's the worst writing I ever saw. Now you must n't think you can impose on us because we are strangers. We are not fools, by a good deal. If you have got any specimens of penmanship of real merit, trot them out!and if you have n't, drive on !"

We drove on. The guide was considerably shaken up, but he made one more venture. He had something which he thought would overcome us. He said,—

66

Ah, genteelmen, you come wis me! I show you beautiful, oh, magnificent bust, Christopher Colombo! - splendid, grand, magnificent!"

He brought us before the beautiful bust, - for it was beautiful, and sprang back and struck an attitude.

"Ah, look, genteelmen! - beautiful, grand, bust Christopher Colombo! - beautiful bust! beautiful pedestal !"

The doctor put up his eye-glass, procured for such occasions :

"Ah-what did you say this gentleman's name was

"Christopher Colombo!-ze great Christopher Colombo!"

"Christopher Colombo - the great Christopher Colombo. Well, what did he do?"

"Discover America!

"Discover America.

wash.

We are just from America ourselves. We heard nothing about it. Christopher Colombo — pleasant name is is he dead?

دو

"I do not know, genteelmen! — I do not know what he died

of!"

"Measles, likely ?"

may be I do not know—I think he die of

"Parents living?"

"Im-posseeble!"

"Ah - which is the bust and which is the pedestal ? " "Santa Maria! Zis ze bust! Zis ze pedestal!"

66

Ah, I see, I see - happy combination

very happy combination indeed. Is is this the first time this gentleman was ever on a bust?"

The joke was lost on the foreigner. Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.

We made it no less interesting for our Roman guide; yesterday we spent three or four hours again in the Vatican, that wonderful world of curiosities. We came very near expressing interest, sometimes, even admiration; it was very hard to keep from it. We succeeded, though. Nobody else ever did in the Vatican museums. The guide was bewildered nonplussed. He walked his legs off, nearly, hunting up extraordinary things, and exhausted all his ingenuity on us; but it was a failure; we never showed any interest in anything. He had reserved what he considered to be his greatest wonder till the last a royal Egyptian mummy, the best preserved in the world, perhaps. He took us there. He felt so sure, this time, that some of his old enthusiasm came back to him.

"See, genteelmen! Mummy!"