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When all were drunk, or pretty near
Among the Inclosures in the foregoing Letter was the The time for doing business here,)
follouring “ Unanswerable Argument against the Says he to me, “Sweet Bully Bottom !
Papists." "These Papist dogs-hiccup-od rot 'em! Deserve to be bespatter'd—hiccup
WE'RE told the ancient Roman nation With all the dirt even you can pick up
Made use of spittle in lustration.'But, as the P-E-here's to him—fill
(Vide Lactantium ap. Gallæum Hip, hip, hurra!)—is trying still
I. e. you need not read but see 'em.) To humbug them with kind professions,
Now, Irish Papists (fact surprising !) And as you deal in strong expressions
Make use of spittle in baptising, Rogue' - traitor-hiccup-and all that
Which proves them all, O'Finns, O'FAGANS, You must be muzzled, Doctor Pat!
Connors, and Tooles, all downright Pagans ! You'must indeed-hiccup—that 's flat."
This fact 's enough-let no one tell us
To free such sad, salivous fellows-
Hath no truth in him-not a tittle !
FROM THE COUNTESS DOWAGER OF C-
. Of GRÖTT-N's fire and C-NN-G's wit,
My dear Lady .! I've been just sending out To hear even noisy M-TH-w gabble on
About five hundred cards for a snug little RoutNor mention once the W-e of Babylon !
(By the bye, you've seen ROKEBY ?-this moment got Oh! 'tis too much-who now will be
mineThe Nightman of No-Popery?
The Mail-Coach Edition--prodigiously fine !) What Courtier, Saint, or even Bishop,
But I can't conceive how, in this very cold weather, Such learned filth will ever fish up?
I'm ever to bring my five hundred together; If there among our ranks be one
As, unless the thermometer's near boiling heat, To take my place, 'tis thou, Sir John
One can never get half of one's hundreds to meet Thou-who like me, art dubb'd Right Hon.
(Apropos-you'd have laugh'd to see TOWNSEND, Like me, too, art a Lawyer Civil
last night, That wishes Papists at the devil!
Escort to their chair, with his staff so polite,
The "three maiden Miseries," all in a fright! To whom then but to thee, my friend,
Poor TOWNSEND, like Mercury, filling two posts, Should PATRICK? his Port-folio send ? Take it-'t is thine-his learn'd Port-folio
Supervisor of thieves, and chief-usher of ghosts!) With all its theologic olio
But, my dear Lady ! can't you hit on some Of Bulls, half Irish and half Roman,
notion, Of Doctrines now believed by no man
At least for one night, to set London in motion ? Of Councils, held for men's salvation,
As to having the R-G-NT—that show is gone byYet always ending in damnation
Besides, I've remark'd that (between you and I) (Which shows that since the world's creation, The MARCHESA and he, inconvenient in more ways, Your Priests, whate'er their gentle shamming, Have taken much lately to whispering in door-ways; Have always had a taste for damning ;)
Which—considering, you know, dear, the size of the And many more such pious scraps,
twoTo prove (what we've long proved perhaps) Makes a block that one's company cannot get through; That, mad as Christians used to be
And a house such as mine is, with door-ways so small, About the Thirteenth Century,
Has no room for such cumbersome love-work at all! There 's lots of Christians to be had
(Apropos, though, of love-work-you've heard it, I In this, the Nineteenth, just as mad!
That NAPOLEON's old Mother's to marry the POPE, Farewell—I send with this, dear N-CH-L! A rod or two l've had in pickle
What a comical pair !)—But, to stick to my Rout, Wherewith to trim old GR-TT-n's jacket.
'T will be hard if some novelty can't be struck out The rest shall go by Monday's packet.
Is there no ALGERINE, no KAMCHATKAN arrived ?
lustralibus ante salivis then put into the Twopenny Post-Office, to save trouble.
Pers. Sat. 2. See the Appendix.
2 I have taken the trouble of examining the Doctor's 1 In sending this sheet to the Press, however, I learn that reference here, and find him, for once, correct. The followthe “ muzzle” has been taken off, and the Right Hon. Doc-ing are the words of his indignant referee Galleus—" Assetor let loose again.
rere non veremur sacrum baptismum a Papistis profanari, et 2 This is a bad name for poetry; but D-gen-nis worse.- sputi usum in peccatorum expiatione à Paganis non a As Prudentius says, upon a very different subject
Christianis manasse." torquetur Apollo
3 See Mr. Murray's Advertisement about the Mail-Coach Nomine percussus.
copies of Rokeby.
No Russian, whose dissonant consonant name Yet, though they thus their knee-pans fetter,
In some things they're a thinking nation-
I own I like their notions quite, Chat would people one's house for one, night after They are so Persian and so right! night.
You know our SUNNITES,' hateful dogs! But-whether the Ministers paw'd them too much Or longs to flog? _'t is true, they pray
every pious Shiite flogs (And you know how they spoil whatever they touch, To God, but in an ill-bred way; Or, whether Lord G-RGE (the young man about town) With neither arms, nor legs, nor faces Has, by dint of bad poetry, written them downOne has certainly lost one's peninsular rage,
Stuck in their right, canonic places !* And the only stray Patriot seen for an age
| 'Tis true, they worship Ali's name:Has been at such places (think how the fit cools)
Their heaven and ours are just the same
(A Persian's heaven is easily made, As old Mrs. V-N's or Lord L-V-RP-L's!
'Tis but-black eyes and lemonade.) But, in short, my dear, names like WINTZTSCHITS- Yet—though we've tried for centuries backTOPSCHINZOUDHOFF
We can't persuade the stubborn pack, Are the only things now make an evening go smooth By bastinadoes, screws, or nippers, off
To wear th' establish'd pea-green slippers !
Then only think—the libertines !
With many more such deadly sins !
And (what's the worst, though last I rank it)
Believe the Chapter of the Blanket !
(Which must, at bottom, be seditious;
As no man living would refuse
We only curse them twice a-day
(According to a form that 's set,) LETTER VI.
And, far from torturing, only let
All orthodox believers beat 'em, FROM ABDALLAH,” IN LONDON, TO MOHASSAN, IN
And twitch their beards, where'er they meet 'em. ISPAHAN.
As to the rest, they're free to do Whilst thou, MOHASSAN (happy thou !)
Whate'er their fancy prompts them to, Dost daily bend thy loyal brow
Provided they make nothing of it Before our King—our Asia's treasure !
Tow'rds rank or honour, power or profit ; Nutmeg of Comfort! Rose of Pleasure !
Which things, we nat'rally expect, And bear'st as many kicks and bruises
Belong to us, the Establish'd sect,
Who disbelieve (the Lord be thanked !)
1“C'est un bonnête homme," said a Turkish governor And caftan floating to the air,
of de Ruyter;" c'est grand dommage qu'il soit Chrétien." I saunter on-the admiration
2 Sunnites and Shiites are the two leading sects into
which the Mahometan world is divided : and they have gone Of this short-coated population
on cursing and persecuting each other, without any interThis sew'd-up race -this button'd nation
mission, for about eleven hundred years. The Sunni is the
established sect in Turkey, and the Shia in Persia; and the Who, while they boast their laws so free,
difference between them turn chiefly upon those important Leave not one limb at iiberty,
points, which our pious friend Abdallah, in the true spirit But live, with all their lordly speeches,
of Shiite Ascendancy, reprobates in this Letter.
3“Les Sunnites, qui étaient comme les catholiques de The slaves of buttons and tight breeches.
4“In contradistinction to the Sounis, who in their prayers 1 Alluding, I suppose, to the Latin Advertisement of a cross their hands on the lower part of the breast, the Schiahs Lusus Naturæ in the Newspapers lately.
drop their arms in straight lines; and as the Sounis, at cer2 I have made many inquiries about this Persian gentle- tain periods of the prayer, press their
foreheads on the ground man, but cannot satisfactorily ascertain who he is. From or carpet, the Schiabs" etc. etc.— Foster's Voyage. his notions of Religious Liberty, however, I conclude that 5 "Les Turcs ne détestent pas Ali réciproquement; au he is an importation of Ministers; and he has arrived just in contraire ils le reconnaissent," etc. etc.-Chardin. time to assist the PE and Mr. L-CK-E in their new 6“ The Shiites wear green slippers, which the Sunnites Oriental Plan of Reform.--See the second of these Letters. consider as a great abomination."-Mariti. -How Abdallah's epistle to Ispahan found its way into the 7 For these points of difference, as well as for the Chapter I'wopenny Post Bag is more than I can pretend to account of the Blanket, I must refer the reader (not having the book lor.
by me) to Picart's Account of the Mahometan Secus
The same mild views of Toleration
You'll get to the Blue-stocking Routs of ALB-N-a! Inspire, I find, this button'd nation,
(Mind- not to her dinners—a second-hand Muse Whose Papists (full as given to rogue,
Must n't think of aspiring to mess with the Blues. And only Sunnites with a brogue)
Or—in case nothing else in this world you can do Fare just as well, with all their fuss,
The deuce is in't, Sir, if you cannot review! As rascal Sunnites do with us.
Should you feel any touch of poetical glow, The tender Gazel I inclose
We've a scheme to suggest—Mr. Sc-TT, you must Is for my love, my Syrian Rose
know Take it, when night begins to fall,
(Who, we're sorry to say it, now works for the Row.)? And throw it o'er her mother's wall.
Having quitted the Borders to seek new renown,
Is coming, by long Quarto stages, to Town;
And beginning with ROKEBY (the job's sure to pay) Rememberest thou the hour we past ?
Means to do all the Gentlemen's Seats on the way. That hour, the happiest and the last !
Now the Scheme is (though none of our hackneys Oh! not so sweet the Siha thorn
can beat him) To summer bees at break of
To start a fresh Poet through Highgate to meet him; Not half so sweet, through dale and dell,
Who, by means of quick proofs-no revises-long To camels' ears the tinning bell,
coachesAs is the soothing memory
May do a few Villas before Sc—Tt approachesOf that one precious hour to me!
Indeed if our Pegasus be not curst shabby, How can we live, so far apart?
He'll reach, without found'ring, at least WOBURN-
Such, Sir, is our plan-if you're up to the freak,
'Tis a match! and we'll put you in training, next With feather always touching feather,
At present, no more-in reply to this Letter, a
Your's et cetera
Temple of the Muses.
Thy newest, best embroidery!
That pea-green coat, thou pink of men ! Hard times, Sir—most books are too dear to be read
Which charm'd all eyes that last survey'd it,
When B Though the gold of Good-sense and Wit's small
-L's self inquired "who made it?" change are fled,
When Cits came wondering from the East, Yet the paper we publishers pass, in their stead,
And thought thee Poet Pye, at least! Rises higher each day, and ('t is frightful to think it) Oh! come—if haply 't is thy week Not even such names as F-TZG-R-D's can sink it!
For looking pale)—with paly cheek;
Though more we love thy roseate days,
That o'er some darkling grove delay!
Bring thy best lace, thou gay Philander! An East-India pamphlet's a thing that would tell (That lace, like H—RRY AL-X-ND-R, And a lick at the Papists is sure to sell well.
Too precious to be wash'd)—thy rings, Or-supposing you have nothing original in you Thy seals-in short, thy prettiest things ! Write Parodies, Sir, and such fame it will win you, Put all thy wardrobe's glories on,
And yield, in frogs and fringe, to none 1 This will appear strange to an English reader, but it is literally translated from Abdallah's Persian, and the curious
But the great R—G-T's self alone! bird to which he alludes is the Juftak, of which I find the following account in Richardson.--"A sort of bird that is 1 This alludes, I believe, to a curious correspondence, said to have but one wing, on the opposite side to which the which is said to have passed lately between ALB-N-A, male has a hook and the female a ring, so that, when they Countess of B-CK-GH-MS-E, and a certain ingenious Hly, they are fastened together."
Parodist. 2 From motives of delicacy, and, indeed, of fellow-feel 2 Paternoster Row. ing, I suppress the name of the Author, whose rejected na 3 This Letter inclosed a Card for the Grand Fête on the auscript was inclosed in this letter.-See the Appendix. 5th of February.
Who, by particular desire
But, bless my soul! I've scarce a leaf
Of paper left-50, must be brief.
This festive Fete, in fact, will be
The former Fete's fac-simile;' Hail, first of Actors !' best of R-G-T8!
The same long Masquerade of Rooms, Born for each other's fond allegiance !
Trick'd in such different, quaint costumes, Both gay Lotharios—both good dressers,
(These, P-RT-R, are thy glorious works' Of Serious Farce both learned Professors,
You'd swear Egyptians, Moors, and Turks, Both circled round, for use or show,
Bearing Good-Taste some deadly malice, With cocks’-combs, wheresoe'er they go
Had clubb'd to raise a Pic-Nic Palace;
And each, to make the oglio pleasant, Thou know'st the time, thou man of lore!
Had sent a State-Room as a present; It takes to chalk a ball-room floor
The same fauteuils and girondolesThou know'st the time, too, well-a-day!
The same gold Asses, pretty souls ! It takes to dance that chalk away. ?
That, in this rich and classic dome, The Ball-room opensfar and nigh
Appear so perfectly at home! Comets and suns beneath us lie;
The same bright river 'mongst the dishes, O'er snowy moons and stars we walk,
But not-ah! not the same dear fishes And the floor seems a sky of chalk !
Late hours and claret kill'd the old ones! But soon shall fade the bright deceit,
So, 'stead of silver and of gold ones When many a maid, with busy feet
(It being rather hard to raise That sparkle in the Lustre's ray,
Fish of that specie now-a-days,) O'er the white path shall bound and play
Some sprats have been, by Y-RM—TH's wish, Like Nymphs along the Milky Way!
Promoted into Silver Fish, At every step a star is fled,
And Gudgeons (so V-NS—TT-T told And suns grow dim beneath their tread!
The R-G-T) are as good as Gold! So passeth life-(thus Sc—tt would write,
So, pr’ythee, come-our Fete will be
But half a Fete, if wanting thee!
LETTER IV, Page 156.
Among the papers inclosed in Dr. D-G-N-N's How quick thou daubest, and how well!
Letter, there is a Heroic Epistle in Latin verse, from Shine as thou may'st in French vermilion,
POPE Joan to her Lover, of which, as it is rather a Thou’rt best-beneath a French cotillion; And still comest off, whate'er thy faults,
curious document, I shall venture to give some ac
count. This female Pontiff was a native of England With flying colours in a Waltz!
(or, according to others, of Germany) who, at an Nor need'st thou mourn the transient date
early age, disguised herself in male attire, and followTo thy best works assign'd by FateWhile some chefs-d'ouvre live to weary one,
ed her lover, a young ecclesiastic, to Athens, where Thine boast a short life and a merry one;
she studied with such effect, that upon her arrival at Their hour of glory past and gone
Rome she was thought worthy of being raised to the
Pontificate. This Epistle is addressed to her Lover With “Molly, put the kettle on!"
(whom she had elevated to the dignity of Cardinale) 1 Quem tu, Melpomene, semel
soon after the fatal accouchement, by which her FalNascentem placido lumine, videris, etc. Horat. libility was betrayed. The Man, upon whom thou hast deign’d to look funny
She begins by reminding him very tenderly of the Thou greal Tragic Muse! at the hour of his birth time when they were in Athens when Let them say what they will, that's the man for my money, Give others thy tears, but let me have thy mirth!
“By Ilissus' stream The assertion that follows, however, is not verified in the We whispering walk'd along, and learn'd to speak instance before us.
The tenderest feelings in the purest Greek;
Ah! then how little did we think or hope,
Dearest of men ! that I should e'er be POPE ! 2 To those who neither go to balls nor read the Morning Post, it may be necessary to mention that the floors of Ball 1 "C-rk-n-e will exhibit a complete fac-simile, rooms, in general, are chalked, for safety and for ornament, in respect to interior ornament, to what it did at the last with various fanciful devices.
Fête.' The same splendid draperies,” etc. etc.- Morning 3 Hearts are not flint, yet flints are rent,
2 The salt-cellars on the PE's own table were in the After all, however, Mr. Sc-ti may well say to the Colonel form of an Ass with panniers. (and, indeed, to much better wags than the Colonel,) prov 3 Spanheim attributes the unanimity with which Joan μεμεισθαι και μιμεισθαι.
was elected, to that innate and irresistible charm by which х
That I-the humble Joan-whose house-wife art I see thy damned ink in Eld—r's browsSeem'd just enough to keep thy house and heart I see thy foolscap on my H—RTF-D's spouse(And those, alas! at sixes and at sevens,)
V-NS-1-T's head recalls thy leathern case, Should soon keep all the keys of all the Heavens !" And all thy blank-leaves stare from R-D-R's face!
Still less (she continues to say) could they have While, turning here (laying his hand on his heart] I foreseen, that such a catastrophe as had happened in
find, ah, wretched elf! Council would befal them that she
Thy list of dire errata in myself.
[Walks the stage in considerable agitation.]. “Should thus surprise the Conclave's grave decorum Oh Roman Punch! oh potent Curacoa ! And let a little Pope pop out before 'em
Oh Mareschino! Mareschino oh! Pope Innocent! alas, the only one
Delicious drams! why have you not the art That name should ever have been fix'd upon!"
To kill this gnawing book-worm in my heart ? She then very pathetically laments the downfal of
Here he is interrupted in his soliloquy by perceivher greatness, and enumerates the various treasures to which she is doomed to bid farewell for ever.
ing some scribbled fragments of paper on the ground,
which he collects, and“ by the light of two magnifi" But oh! more dear, more precious ten times over- cent candelabras” discovers the following unconnected Farewell, my Lord, my Cardinal, my Lover! words :~" Wife neglected”—“ the Book”—“ Wrong I made thee Cardinal-thou madest memah! Measures"-"the Queen"-"Mr Lambert"_" the Thou madest the Papa' of the World—Mamma!" R-G-T."
I have not time now to translate any more of this Ha! treason in my house !_Curst words, that wither Epistle; but I presume the argument which the Right My princely soul (shaking the papers violently,] what: Hon. Doctor and his friends mean to deduce from it,
demon brought you hither ? is (in their usual convincing strain) that Romanists “My wife!"-"the Book,"too!-stay—a nearer lookmust be unworthy of Emancipation now, because they [Holding the fragments closer to the candelabras.] had a Petticoat Pope in the Ninth Century-Nothing Alas! too plain, B, double O, K, Book, can be more logically clear, and I find that Horace Death and destruction ! had exactly the same views upon the subject : Romanus (eheu posteri, negabitis !)
He here rings all the bells, and a whole legion of Emancipatus FOEMINÆ
valets enter.-A scene of cursing and swearing (very Fert vallum !
much in the German style) ensues, in the course of
which messengers are dispatched, in different direcLETTER VII. Page 160.
lions, for the L-RD CH-NC-LL-R, the D-E of The manuscript, which I found in the bookseller's C—B—L—D, etc. etc.--The intermediate time is filled letter, is a melo-drama, in two Acts, entitled “The up by another soliloquy, at the conclusion of which, Book,”? of which the theatres, of course, had had the aforesaid personages rush on alarmed--the D-E the refusal, before it was presented to Messrs. I—ck- with his stays only half-laced, and the CH-NC-LLOR -ng-n ard Co.– This rejected drama, however, with his wig thrown hastily over an old red nightpossesses considerable merit, and I shall take the cap, “to maintain the becoming splendour of his iberty of laying a sketch of it before my readers.
office.''! The R—G-T produces the appalling fragThe first Act opens in a very awful manner :- Time, ments, upon which the CH-NC-L1-R breaks out three o'clock in the morning-Scene, the Bourbon into exclamations of loyalty and tenderness, and reChamber in C-r1-t-n house-Enter the P-Elates the following portentous dream :R-GMT solus.--After a few broken sentences, he
"Tis scarcely two hours since thus exclaims :
I had a fearful dream of thee, my PE!-
Methought I heard thee, midst a courtly crowd, Thou haunt'st my fancy so, thou devilish Book!
Say from thy throne of gold, in mandate loud, I meet thee-trace thee, wheresoe'er I look.
“ Worship my whiskers !”—[weeps) not a knee was
there her sex, though latent, operated upon the instinct of the Cardinals—Non vi aliqua, sed concorditer, omnium in se But bent and worshipp'd the Illustrious Pair converso desiderio, quæ sunt blandientis sexus artes, laten- That curl'd in conscious majesty! [Pulls out his tes in hac quanquam !". 1 This is an anachronism; for it was not till the eleventh
handkerchief]-while cries century, that the Bishop of Rome took the title of Papa, or Of “Whiskers ! whiskers !” shook the echoing Universal Father.
skies ! 2 'There was a mysterious Book, in the 16th century, which Just in that glorious hour, methought, there came, employed all the anxious curiosity of the learned of that day. Every one spoke of it; many wrote against it; though it With looks of injured pride, a princely dame, does not appear that any body had ever seen it; and indeed And a young maiden clinging to her side, Grotius is of opinion that no such book ever existed. It was As if she feared some tyrant would divide entitled “Liber de tribus impostoribus.” (See Morhof. Cap. de Libris damnatis.)–Our more modern mystery of the The hearts that nature and affection tied ! Book” resembles this in many particulars; and, if the num- The matron came-within her right hand glow'd ber of lawyers employed in drawing it up be stated correctly, a slight alteration of the title into " à tribus impostoribus"? A radiant torch; while from her left a load would produce a coincidence altogether very remarkable.
3 The chamber, I suppose, which was prepared for the 1 "To enable the individual, who holds the office ot reception of the Bourbons at the first Grand Fète, and Chancellor, to maintain it in becoming splendour.” (A loud which was ornamented (all " for the Deliverance of Eu- laugh.)- Lord Castlereagh's Speech upon the Vice-Chanrope") with fleurs de lys