To humbug them with kind professions, WE'RE told the ancient Roman nation Which proves them all, O'FINNS, O'FAGANS, * LETTER V. FROM THE COUNTESS DOWAGER OF C LADY. ΤΟ My dear Lady - ! I've been just sending out About five hundred cards for a snug little Rout(By the bye, you've seen ROKEBY ?-this moment got mine The Mail-Coach Edition3-prodigiously fine!) Escort to their chair, with his staff so polite, notion, -! can't you hit on some At least for one night, to set London in motion? two Makes a block that one's company cannot get through; And a house such as mine is, with door-ways so small, Has no room for such cumbersome love-work at all!— (Apropos, though, of love-work-you've heard it, I hope, That NAPOLEON's old Mother's to marry the POPE,- 1 lustralibus ante salivis To prove that they, who damn'd us then, Of GR-TT-N's fire and C-NN-G's wit, To whom then but to thee, my friend, Of Bulls, half Irish and half Roman,- About the Thirteenth Century, In this, the Nineteenth, just as mad! Farewell-I send with this, dear N-CH-L! A rod or two I've had in pickle Wherewith to trim old GR-TT-N's jacket.- P.D. then put into the Twopenny Post-Office, to save trouble.See the Appendix. 1 In sending this sheet to the Press, however, I learn that the "muzzle" has been taken off, and the Right Hon. Doctor let loose again. Expiat. Pers. Sat. 2. 2 I have taken the trouble of examining the Doctor'a reference here, and find him, for once, correct. The following are the words of his indignant referee Galleus-" Asserere non veremur sacrum baptismum a Papistis profanari, et 2 This is a bad name for poetry; but D-gen-n is worse.sputi usum in peccatorum expiatione a Paganis non a As Prudentius says, upon a very different subject torquetur Apollo Nomine percussus. Christianis manasse." 3 See Mr. Murray's Advertisement about the Mail-Coach copies of Rokeby. No RUSSIAN, whose dissonant consonant name I remember the time, three or four winters back, Yet, though they thus their knee-pans fetter, |(They're Christians, and they know no better)1 In some things they're a thinking nation When-provided their wigs were but decently black-And, on Religious Toleration, A few Patriot monsters, from SPAIN, were a sight But whether the Ministers paw'd them too much Has been at such places (think how the fit cools) I own I like their notions quite, But, in short, my dear, names like WINTZTSCHITS-Yet-though we've tried for centuries back— TOPSCHINZOUDHOFF We can't persuade the stubborn pack, Are the only things now make an evening go smooth By bastinadoes, screws, or nippers, off So, get me a Russian-till death I'm your debtor- POSTSCRIPT. By the bye, have you found any friend that can construe LETTER VI. FROM ABDALLAH,2 IN LONDON, TO MOHASSAN, IN ISPAHAN. WHILST thou, MOHASSAN (happy thou!) Of this short-coated population This sew'd-up race-this button'd nation- But live, with all their lordly speeches, To wear th' establish'd pea-green slippers !6 And (what's the worst, though last I rank it) Yet, spite of tenets so flagitious, As to the rest, they're free to do 1 "C'est un honnête homme," said a Turkish governor of de Ruyter;" c'est grand dommage qu'il soit Chrétien." 2 Sunnites and Shiites are the two leading sects into which the Mahometan world is divided: and they have gone on cursing and persecuting each other, without any intermission, for about eleven hundred years. The Sunni is the established sect in Turkey, and the Shia in Persia; and the difference between them turn chiefly upon those important points, which our pious friend Abdallah, in the true spirit of Shiite Ascendancy, reprobates in this Letter. 3" Les Sunnites, qui étaient comme les catholiques de Musulmanisme."-D'Herbelot. 4 "In contradistinction to the Sounis, who in their prayers 1 Alluding, I suppose, to the Latin Advertisement of a cross their hands on the lower part of the breast, the Schiahs Lusus Naturæ in the Newspapers lately. or carpet, the Schiahs," etc. etc.-Foster's Voyage. drop their arms in straight lines; and as the Sounis, at cer2 I have made many inquiries about this Persian gentle-tain periods of the prayer, press their foreheads on the ground man, but cannot satisfactorily ascertain who he is. From his notions of Religious Liberty, however, I conclude that he is an importation of Ministers; and he has arrived just in time to assist the PE and Mr. L-CK-E in their new Oriental Plan of Reform.-See the second of these Letters. -How Abdallah's epistle to Ispahan found its way into the Twopenny Post Bag is more than I can pretend to account lor. 7 For these points of difference, as well as for the Chapter of the Blanket, I must refer the reader (not having the book by me) to Picart's Account of the Mahometan Sects The same mild views of Toleration The tender Gazel I inclose Rememberest thou the hour we past? Of that one precious hour to me! How can we live, so far apart? United live and die ? Like those sweet birds that fly together, With feather always touching feather, Link'd by a hook and eye!! LETTER VII. FROM MESSRS. L-CK-GT-N AND CO. You'll get to the Blue-stocking Routs of ALB-N--A! (Who, we're sorry to say it, now works for the Row,)2 To start a fresh Poet through Highgate to meet him; Who, by means of quick proofs-no revises-long coaches May do a few Villas before Sc-TT approaches- He'll reach, without found'ring, at least WOBURN- Such, Sir, is our plan-if you're up to the freak, "Tis a match! and we'll put you in training, next week PER POST, Sir, we send your MS.-look'd it thro'Very sorry-but can't undertake-'t would'nt do. Clever work, Sir!-would get up prodigiously wellIts only defect is-it never would sell! And though Statesmen may glory in being unbought, In an Author, we think, Sir, that's rather a fault. Hard times, Sir-most books are too dear to be readThough the gold of Good-sense and Wit's smallchange are fled, Yet the paper we publishers pass, in their stead, And at somewhat that's vendible-we are your men. 1 This will appear strange to an English reader, but it is literally translated from Abdallah's Persian, and the curious bird to which he alludes is the Juftak, of which I find the following account in Richardson.—" Á sort of bird that is said to have but one wing, on the opposite side to which the male has a hook and the female a ring, so that, when they fly, they are fastened together." 2 From motives of delicacy, and, indeed, of fellow-feeling, I suppress the name of the Author, whose rejected manuscript was inclosed in this letter.-See the Appendix. LETTER VIII. ESQ. FROM COLONEL TH-M-S TO Bring thy best lace, thou gay Philander! Who, by particular desire— For that night only, means to hire O'er snowy moons and stars we walk, And suns grow dim beneath their tread! Nor need'st thou mourn the transient date With "Molly, put the kettle on!" 2 To those who neither go to balls nor read the Morning Post, it may be necessary to mention that the floors of Ballrooms, in general, are chalked, for safety and for ornament, with various fanciful devices. 3 Hearts are not flint, yet flints are rent, Hearts are not steel, but steel is bent. After all, however, Mr. Sc-tt may well say to the Colonel (and, indeed, to much better wags than the Colonel,) pov μωρείσθαι η μιμείσθαι. But, bless my soul! I've scarce a leaf This festive Fete, in fact, will be The same long Masquerade of Rooms, The same bright river 'mongst the dishes, (It being rather hard to raise Fish of that specie now-a-days,) Some sprats have been, by Y-RM-TH's wish, And Gudgeons (so V-NS-TT-T told So, pr'ythee, come-our Fete will be APPENDIX. LETTER IV, Page 156. AMONG the papers inclosed in Dr. D-G-N-N'S Letter, there is a Heroic Epistle in Latin verse, from POPE JOAN to her Lover, of which, as it is rather a curious document, I shall venture to give some account. This female Pontiff was a native of England (or, according to others, of Germany) who, at an early age, disguised herself in male attire, and followed her lover, a young ecclesiastic, to Athens, where she studied with such effect, that upon her arrival at Rome she was thought worthy of being raised to the Pontificate. This Epistle is addressed to her Lover (whom she had elevated to the dignity of Cardinal,) soon after the fatal accouchement, by which her Fallibility was betrayed. She begins by reminding him very tenderly of the time when they were in Athens-when "By Ilissus' stream We whispering walk'd along, and learn'd to speak The tenderest feelings in the purest Greek; Ah! then how little did we think or hope, Dearest of men! that I should e'er be POPE!3 1 "C-rl-t-n He will exhibit a complete fac-simile, in respect to interior ornament, to what it did at the last Fête. The same splendid draperies," etc. etc.-Morning Post. 2 The salt-cellars on the P-E's own table were in the form of an Ass with panniers. 3 Spanheim attributes the unanimity with which Joan was elected, to that innate and irresistible charm by which That I-the humble Joan-whose house-wife art "Should thus surprise the Conclave's grave decorum That name should ever have been fix'd upon!" She then very pathetically laments the downfal of her greatness, and enumerates the various treasures to which she is doomed to bid farewell for ever. I see thy damned ink in ELD-N's brows- While, turning here [laying his hand on his heart] E [Walks the stage in considerable agitation.] Here he is interrupted in his soliloquy by perceiv ing some scribbled fragments of paper on the ground, which he collects, and "by the light of two magnifi "But oh! more dear, more precious ten times over-cent candelabras" discovers the following unconnected I have not time now to translate any more of this Epistle; but I presume the argument which the Right Hon. Doctor and his friends mean to deduce from it, is (in their usual convincing strain) that Romanists must be unworthy of Emancipation now, because they had a Petticoat Pope in the Ninth Century-Nothing can be more logically clear, and I find that Horace had exactly the same views upon the subject: Romanus (eheu posteri, negabitis !) Fert vallum! LETTER VII. Page 160. words:" Wife neglected"-" the Book"-" Wrong Measures" the Queen"-" Mr Lambert"—" the R-G-T." Ha! treason in my house!-Curst words, that wither "My wife!"-"the Book," too!-stay-a nearer look- He here rings all the bells, and a whole legion of valets enter.-A scene of cursing and swearing (very much in the German style) ensues, in the course of which messengers are dispatched, in different directions, for the L-RD CH-NC-LL-R, the D-E of C-B-L-D, etc. etc.--The intermediate time is filled up by another soliloquy, at the conclusion of which, the aforesaid personages rush on alarmed-the D-E with his stays only half-laced, and the CH-NC--LLOR with his wig thrown hastily over an old red nightcap, 'to maintain the becoming splendour of his office." The R-G-T produces the appalling fragThe first Act opens in a very awful manner :-Time, ments, upon which the CH-NC-LL-R breaks out three o'clock in the morning-Scene, the Bourbon into exclamations of loyalty and tenderness, and reChamber3 in C-rl-t-n house-Enter the P-Elates the following portentous dream :R-G-T solus.--After a few broken sentences, he thus exclaims: The manuscript, which I found in the bookseller's letter, is a melo-drama, in two Acts, entitled "THE Воок, ,"2 of which the theatres, of course, had had the refusal, before it was presented to Messrs. L-ck-ngt-n and Co.-This rejected drama, however, possesses considerable merit, and I shall take the iberty of laying a sketch of it before my readers. 66 Away-away Thou haunt'st my fancy so, thou devilish Book! her sex, though latent, operated upon the instinct of the 1 This is an anachronism; for it was not till the eleventh century, that the Bishop of Rome took the title of Papa, or Universal Father. "Tis scarcely two hours since I had a fearful dream of thee, my P—E!— But bent and worshipp'd the Illustrious Pair Of "Whiskers! whiskers!" shook the echoing 2 There was a mysterious Book, in the 16th century, which Just in that glorious hour, methought, there came, employed all the anxious curiosity of the learned of that day. Every one spoke of it; many wrote against it; though it With looks of injured pride, a princely dame, does not appear that any body had ever seen it; and indeed And a young maiden clinging to her side, Grotius is of opinion that no such book ever existed. It was entitled "Liber de tribus impostoribus." (See Morhof. Cap. As if she feared some tyrant would divide de Libris damnatis.)-Our more modern mystery of "the The hearts that nature and affection tied! Book" resembles this in many particulars; and, if the num- The matron came-within her right hand glow'd ber of lawyers employed in drawing it up be stated correctly, a slight alteration of the title into "à tribus impostoribus" A radiant torch; while from her left a load would produce a coincidence altogether very remarkable. 3 The chamber, I suppose, which was prepared for the reception of the Bourbons at the first Grand Fête, and which was ornamented (all "for the Deliverance of Europe") with fleurs de lys 1 "To enable the individual, who holds the office ot Chancellor, to maintain it in becoming splendour." (Aloud laugh.)-Lord Castlereagh's Speech upon the Vice-Chancellor's Bill. |