Page images
PDF
EPUB

As heaven has made for those who love?

For those who love, and long to steal What none but hearts of ice reprove,

What none but hearts of fire can feel !

At night, what dear employ to trace,
In fancy, every glowing grace

That's hid by darkness from the sight;
And guess by every broken sigh,
What tales of bliss the shrouded eye

Is telling to the soul at night!

Go, go—an age of vulgar years

May now be pin’d, be sigh’d away, Before one blessed hour appears,

Like that which we have lost to-day!

AT NIGHT.
At night, when all is still around,
How sweet to hear the distant sound

Of footstep, coming soft and light !
What pleasure in the anxious beat,
With which the bosom flies to meet

That foot that comes so soft at night! And then, at night, how sweet to say “ 'Tis late, my love!" and chide delay,

Though still the western clouds are bright; Oh! happy too the silent press, The eloquence of mute caress,

With those we love exchang'd at night!

TO
I OFTEN wish that thou wert dead,

And I beside thee calmly sleeping ;
Since love is o'er, and passion fled,

And life has nothing worth our keeping ! No-common souls may

bear decline Of all that throbb’d them once so high; But hearts that beat like thine and mine,

Must still love on-love on or die!

'Tis true, our early joy was such,

That nature could not bear th' excess! It was too much—for life too much.

Though life be all a blank with less ! To see that eye so cold, so still,

Which once, O God! could melt in bliss No, no, I cannot bear the chill

Hate, burning hate were heaven to this!

1 These lines allude to a curious lamp, which has for its device a Cupid, with the words "at night" written over him.

U

INTEROEPTED LETTERS/

OR,

THE TWOPENNY POST BAG.

E lapsæ manibus cecidêre tabellæ.-- Ovid.

DEDICATION.

TO ST- -N W-LR- -E, Esq. MY DEAR W-E:-It is now about seven years since I promised (and I grieve to think it is almost as long since we met) to dedicate to you the very first book, of whatever size or kind, I should publish. Who could have thought that so many years would elapse without my giving the least signs of life upon the subject of this important promise ? Who could have imagined that a volume of doggerel, after all, would be the first offering that Gratitude would lay upon the shrine of Friendship?

If, however, you are as interested about me and my pursuits as formerly, you will be happy to hear that doggerel is not my only occupation; but that I am preparing to throw my name to the Swans of the Temple of Immortality,' leaving it, of course, to the said Swans to determine whether they ever will take he trouble of picking it from the stream.

In the mean time, my dear W-E, like a pious Lutheran, you must judge of me rather by my faith zan my works, and, however trifling the tribute which I offer, never doubt the fidelity with which I am,

and 'ways shall be,

Your sincere and attached friend, 245, Piccadilly, March 4, 1813.

THE AUTHOR.

"2

PREFACE.

an ambition (having never tried the strength of my

wing but in a newspaper) to publish something or The Bag, from which the following Letters are se- other in the shape of a book; and it occurred to me lected, was dropped by a Twopenny Postman, about that, the present being such a letter-writing era, a few two months since, and picked up by an emissary of of these two-penny post epistles, turned into easy the Society for the S—pp—s—n of V-e, who, sup- verse, would be as light and popular a task as I could posing it might materially assist the private researches possibly select for a commencement.

I did not of that institution, immediately took it to his employ- think it prudent, however, to give too many Letters at ers and was rewarded handsomely for his trouble. first ; and, accordingly, have been obliged (in order to Such a treasury of secrets was worth a whole host of eke out a sufficient number of pages) to reprint some informers; and, accordingly, like the Cupids of the of those trifles, which had already appeared in the poet (if I may use so profane a simile) who “fell at public journals. As, in the battles of ancient times, odds about the sweet-bag of a bee,” those venerable the shades of the departed were sometimes seen suppressors almost fought with each other for the among the combatants, so I thought I might remedy honour and delight of first ransacking the Post-Bag. the thinness of my ranks, by conjuring up a few dead Unluckily, however, it turned out, upon examination, and forgotten ephemerons to fill them. that the discoveries of profligacy, which it enabled

Such are the motives and accidents that led to the them to make, lay chiefly in those upper regions of present publication; and as this is the first time my society, which their well-bred regulations forbid them muse has ever ventured out of the go-cart of a newsto molest or meddle with. In consequence, they paper, though I feel all a parent's delight at seeing gained but very few victims by their prize, and, after little Miss go alone, I am also not without a parents lying for a week or two under Mr. H-TCH-D's anxiety, lest an unlucky fall should be the consecounter, the Bag, with its violated contents, was sold quence of the experiment; and I need not point out for a trifle to a friend of mine.

the many living instances there are of Muses that It happened that I had just then been seized with have suffered severely in their heads, from taking too

early and rashly to their feet. Besides, a book is so 1 Aristo, canto 35.

2 Herrick. very different a thing from a newspaper!-in the for

reverend and amiable friend, Dr. - and behaving there as well and as orderly as most people.

mer, your doggerel, without either company or shel- has been seen at church every Sunday, for a whole ter, must stand shivering in the middle of a bleak year together, listening to the sermons of his truly white page by itself; whereas, in the latter, it is comfortly backed by advertisements, and has sometimes even a Speech of Mr. St-ph-n's, or something equally warm, for a chauffe-pie,-so that, in general, the very reverse of "laudatur et alget" is its destiny. Ambition, however, must run some risks, and I shall be very well satisfied if the reception of these few Letters should have the effect of sending me to the Post-Bag for more.

[ocr errors]

There are a few more mistakes and falsehoods about Mr. BROWN, to which I had intended, with all becoming gravity, to advert; but I begin to think the task is altogether as useless as it is tiresome. Calumnies and misrepresentations of this sort are, like the arguments and statements of Dr. Duigenan, not at all the less vivacious or less serviceable to their fabricators for having been refuted and disproved a thousand times over: they are brought forward again, as good as new, whenever malice or stupidity is in want of them, and are as useful as the old broken lantern, in Fielding's Amelia, which the watchman always keeps ready by him, to produce, in proof of riot, against his victims. I shall therefore give up the fruitless toil of vindication, and would even draw my pen over what I have already written, had I not promised to furnish the Publisher with a Preface, and know not how else I could contrive to eke it out.

PREFACE TO THE FOURTEENTH
EDITION.

BY A FRIEND OF THE AUTHOR.

In the absence of Mr. Brown, who is at present on a tour through — -, I feel myself called upon, as his friend, to notice certain misconceptions and misrepresentations, to which this little volume of Trifles has given rise.

I have added two or three more trifles to this edi

In the first place, it is not true that Mr. Brown has had any accomplices in the work. A note, indeed, tion, which I found in the Morning Chronicle, and which has hitherto accompanied his Preface, may knew to be from the pen of my friend.' The rest of very naturally have been the origin of such a supposi- the volume remains in its original state. tion; but that note, which was merely the coquetry

of an author, I have, in the present edition, taken

April 20, 1814.

upon myself to remove, and Mr. Brown must there- INTERCEPTED LETTERS, ETC. fore be considered (like the mother of that unique production, the Centaur, μov x2 μovov2) as alone responsible for the whole contents of the volume.

LETTER I.

FROM THE PR-NC-SS CHE OF WS TO
THE LADY B—RBA A—SHL-Y.3

made;

In the next place it has been said, that in consequence of this graceless little book, a certain distinguished Personage prevailed upon another distinguished Personage to withdraw from the author that My dear Lady Bab, you'll be shock'd, I'm afraid, notice and kindness, with which he had so long and When you hear the sad rumpus your ponies have so liberally honoured him. There is not one syllable of truth in this story. For the magnanimity of the Since the time of horse-consuls (now long out of date) former of these persons I would, indeed, in no case, No nags ever made such a stir in the State! answer too rashly; but of the conduct of the latter to- Lord Eld-n first heard-and as instantly pray'd he wards my friend, I have a proud gratification in de- To God and his King-that a Popish young lady' claring, that it has never ceased to be such as he must (For though you've bright eyes, and twelve thousand

remember with indelible gratitude;—a gratitude the

a year,

their kicks!

more cheerfully and warmly paid, from its not being It is still but too true you're a Papist, my dear) a debt incurred solely on his own account, but for Had insidiously sent, by a tall Irish groom, kindness shared with those nearest and dearest to him. Two priest-ridden ponies, just landed from Rome, To the charge of being an Irishman, poor Mr. And so full, little rogues, of pontifical tricks, BROWN pleads guilty; and I believe it must also be That the dome of St. Paul's was scarce safe from acknowledged that he comes of a Roman Catholic family: an avowal which, I am aware, is decisive of his utter reprobation in the eyes of those exclusive Off at once to papa, in a flurry, he fliespatentees of Christianity, so worthy to have been the For papa always does what these statesmen advise, followers of a certain enlightened Bishop, DONATUS,2 On condition that they'll be, in turn, so polite who held "that God is in Africa, and not elsewhere." As in no case whate'er to advise him too right— But from all this it does not necessarily follow that 1 The Trifles here alluded to, and others, which have Mr. BROWN is a Papist; and, indeed, I have the since appeared, will be found in this edition.-Publisher. strongest reasons for suspecting that they who say so 2 A new reading has been suggested in the original of the are totally mistaken. Not that I presume to have as-line "Sive per Syrteis iter æstuosas," it is proposed, by a Ode of Horace, freely translated by Lord ELD-N. In the certained his opinions upon such subjects; all I know of his orthodoxy is, that he has a Protestant wife and two or three little Protestant children, and that he

very trifling alteration, to read "Surtees" instead of "Syrteis," which brings the Ode, it is said, more home to the noble Translator, and gives a peculiar force and aptness to the epithet "estuosas." I merely throw out this emendation for the learned, being unable myself to decide upon its

1 Pindar, Pyth, 2.-My friend certainly cannot add our' merits. εν ανδρασι γερασφόρον.

2 Bishop of Case Nigræ, in the fourth century.

3 This young Lady, who is a Roman Catholic has lately made a present of some beautiful ponies to the P-nc-ss

“Pretty doings are here, sir, (he angrily cries, While by dint of dark eyebrows he strives to look

wise,) 'Tis a scheme of the Romanists, so help me God! To ride over your most Royal Highness rough-shodExcuse, sir, my tears, they're from loyalty's sourceBad enough 'twas for Troy to be sack'd by a Horse, But for us to be ruin'd by Ponies, still worse !" Quick a council is call'd—the whole cabinet sits The Archbishops declare, frighten'd out of their wits, That if vile Popish ponies should eat at my manger, From that awful moment the Church is in danger! As, give them but stabling, and shortly no stalls Will suit their proud stomachs but those of St. Paul's. The Doctor, and he, the devout man of Leather, V-ns—t—t, now laying their saint-heads together, Declare that these skittish young a-bominations Are clearly foretold in chap. vi. Revelations Nay, they verily think they could point out the one Which the Doctor's friend Death was to canter upon! Lord H-rr-by, hoping that no one imputes To the Court any fancy to persecute brutes, Protests, on the word of himself and his cronies, That had these said creatures been Asses, not Ponies, The court would have started no sort of objection, As Asses were, there, always sure of protection. “If the Pr-nc-ss will keep them (says Lord C-sti-r-gh,) To make them quite harmless the only true way Is (as certain Chief

Justices do with their wives) To flog them within half an inch of their lives If they've any bad Irish blood lurking about, This (he knew by experience) would soon draw it out." Or-if this be thought cruel—his Lordship proposes 6. The new Veto-snaffle to bind down their nosesA pretty contrivance, made out of old chains, Which appears to indulge, while it doubly restrains ; Which, however high-mettled, their gamesomeness

checks (Adds his Lordship, humanely,) or else breaks their

pecks!" This proposal received pretty general applause From the statesmen around—and the neck-breaking

clause Had a vigour about it, which soon reconciled Even Eld-n himself to a measure so mild. So the snaffles, my dear, were agreed to nem. con., And my Lord C-sl-r-gh, having so often shone In the fettering line, is to buckle them on. I shall drive to your door in these Vetos some day, But, at present, adieu !-I must hurry away To go see my mamma, as I'm suffered to meet her For just half an hour by the Qu-n's best repeater.

-E.

Wherein-as plain as man can speak,
Whose English is half modern Greek-
You prove that we can ne'er intrench
Our happy isles against the French,
Till Royalty in England's made
A much more independent trade-
In short, until the House of Guelph
Lays Lords and Commons on the shelf,
And boldly sets up for itself!
All, that can be well understood
In this said book, is vastly good :
And, as to what's incomprehensible
I dare be sworn 'tis full as sensible;

But, to your work's immortal credit,
The P- -e, good sir,--the P-e has read it
(The only book, himself remarks,
Which he has read since Mrs. Clarke's.)
Last levee-morn he look'd it through
During that awful hour or two
Of grave tonsorial preparation,
Which, to a fond admiring nation,
Sends forth, announced by trump and drum,
The best-wigg'd P-e in Christendom!
He thinks, with you, the imagination
Of partnership in legislation
Could only enter in the noddles
Of dull and ledger-keeping twaddles,
Whose heads on firms are running so,
They even must have a King and Co.
And hence, too, eloquently show forth
On checks and balances, and so forth.
But
now,

he trusts, we are coming near a Better and more royal era ; When England's monarch need but say, “Whip me those scoundrels, C—stl—r-gh!" Or—" hang me up those Papists, Eld—n," And 't will be done-ay, faith, and well done. With view to which, I've his command To beg, sir, from your travell'd hand (Round which the foreign graces swarm) A plan of radical reform; Compiled and chosen, as best you can, In Turkey or at Ispahan, And quite upturning, branch and root, Lords, Commons, and Burdett to boot! But, pray, whate'er you may impart, write Somewhat more brief than Major C—rtwr-ght: Else, though the P-e be long in rigging, 'Twould take, at least, a fortnight's wigging,Two wigs to every paragraph, Before he well could get through half. You'll send it, also, speedilyAs, truth to say, 'twixt you and me, His Highness, heated by your work, Already thinks himself Grand Turk! And you'd have laugh'd, had you seen how He scared the Ch-nc-11-r just now, When (on his Lordship's entering puff'd) he Slapp'd his back and call'd him “Mufti !" The tailors, too, have got commands To put directly into hands

LETTER II.

FROM COLONEL M'M-HN TO G-LD FR-NC-8

L-CKIE, ESQ.
DEAR Sir, I've just had time to look
Into your very learned book,"

1 See the Edinburgh Review, No. xl.

[blocks in formation]

Before I send this scrawl away,

I seize a moment, just to say

There's some parts of the Turkish system
So vulgar, 't were as well you miss'd 'em.
For instance in Seraglio matters-
Your Turk, whom girlish fondness flatters,
Would fill his Haram (tasteless fool!)
With tittering, red-cheek'd things from school-
But here (as in that fairy land,

Where Love and Age went hand in hand ;'
Where lips till sixty shed no honey,
And Grandams were worth any money)
Our Sultan has much riper notions-
So, let your list of she-promotions
Include those only, plump and sage,
Who 've reached the regulation-age;
That is as near as one can fix
From Peerage dates-full fifty-six.
This rule 's for fav'rites-nothing more-
For, as to wives, a Grand Signor,
Though not decidely without them,
Need never care one curse about them!

LETTER III.

FROM G. R. TO THE E OF Y

The dinner, you know, was in gay celebration
Of my brilliant triumph and H-nt's condemnation;
A compliment too to his Lordship the J-e
For his speech to the J-y,-and zounds! who would
grudge

Turtle-soup, though it came to five guineas a bowl,
To reward such a loyal and complaisant soul?
We were all in high gig-Roman Punch and Tokay
Travell'd round, till our heads travell'd just the same
way,-

And we cared not for Juries or Libels-no-dam'me!

nor

Even for the threats of last Sunday's Examiner !

More good things were eaten than said-but TOM T-RRH-T

In quoting Joe Miller, you know, has some merit, And, hearing the sturdy Justiciary Chief Say-sated with turtle-"I'll now try the beef”— TOMMY whisper'd him (giving his Lordship a sly hit) "I fear 't will be hung-beef, my Lord, if you try it!" And C-MD-N was there, who, that morning, had gone

To fit his new Marquis's coronet on;

And the dish set before him-oh dish well-devised!Was, what old Mother GLASSE calls, "a calf's head surprised!"

The brains were near —— ; and once they'd been fine,
But of late they had lain so long soaking in wine
That, however we still might in courtesy call
Them a fine dish of brains, they were no brains at all.
When the dinner was over, we drank, every one
In a bumper, "the venial delights of Crim. Con."
At which H-D-T with warm reminiscences gloated,
And E-B'R-H chuckled to hear himself quoted.
Our next round of toasts was a fancy quite new,
For we drank and you'll own 't was benevolent too-
To those well-meaning husbands, cits, parsons, or

peers,

WE miss'd you last night at the "hoary old sinner's," Whom we've any time honour'd by kissing their dears; Who gave us, as usual, the cream of good dinners-This museum of wittols was comical rather; and I gave

His soups scientific-his fishes quite primeHis patés superb-and his cutlets sublime!

In short, 'twas the snug sort of dinner to stir a Stomachic orgasm in my Lord E- -GH, Who set-to, to be sure, with miraculous force,

Old H-D-T gave M——y,

In short, not a soul till this morning would budgeWe were all fun and frolic!-and even the J- E Laid aside, for the time, his juridical fashion,

And exclaim'd, between mouthfuls, "a He-cook, of And through the whole night was not once in a passion!

[blocks in formation]

1 The learned Colonel must allude here to a description: of the Mysterious Isle, in the History of Abdalla, Son of FROM THE RIGHT HON. P-TR-CK D-G-N-N TO

Hanif, where such inversions of the order of nature are said to have taken place." A score of old women and the same number of old men, played here and there in the court, some

THE RIGHT HON. SIR J-HN N-CH-L.

Dublin.1

at chuck-farthing, others at tip-cat or at cockles."-And LAST week, dear N-CH-L, making merry again, "There is nothing, believe me, more engaging than

those lovely wrinkles," etc. etc.-See Tales of the East, At dinner with our Secretary,

vol. iii. pp. 607, 608.

2 This letter, as the reader will perceive, was written the day after a dinner, given by the M of H-d-t.

[blocks in formation]
« PreviousContinue »