« PreviousContinue »
if you only look at him ; his nose turns up; his month is drawn into wrinkles, so as to show his teeth ; in short, he has altogether the look of a dog far gone in misanthropy, and totally sick of the world. When he walks, he has his tail curled up so tight, that it seems to lift his feet from the ground; and he seldom makes use of more than three legs at a time, keeping the other drawn up as a reserve. This last wretch is called Beauty !
These dogs are full of elegant ailments unknown to vulgar dogs ; and are petted and nursed by Lady Lillycraft with the tenderest kindness. They are pampered and fed with delicacies by their fellow minion, the page; but their stomachs are often weak and out of order, so that they cannot eat; though I have now and then seen the
page give them a mischievous pinch, or thwack over the head, when his mistress was not by. They have cushions for their express use, on which they lie before the fire, and yet are apt to shiver and moan, if there is the least draught of air. When any one enters the room, they make a most tyran. nical barking that is absolutely deafening. They are insolent to all the other dogs of the establishment. There is a noble stag-hound, a great favourite of the squire's, who is a priviléged visitor to the parlour ; but the moment he makes his appearance, these intruders fly at him with furious
rage; and I have admired the sovereign indifference and contempt with which he seems to look down
puny assailants. When her ladyship drives out, these dogs are generally. carried with her to take the air; when they look out of each window of the carriage, and bark at all vulgar pedestrian dogs. These dogs are a continual source of misery to the household; as they are always in the way, they every now and then get their toes trod on, and then there is a yelping on their part, and a lamentation on the part of their mistress, that fills the room with clamour and confusion.
Lastly, there is her ladyship’s waiting-woman, Mrs. Hannah, a prim, pragmatical old maiden, whose every word
and look smacks of verjuice. She is the very opposite to her mistress, for the one hates, and the other loves, all mankind. How they first came together I cannot imagine; but they have lived together for many years; and the abigail's temper being tart and encroaching, and her ladyship's easy and yielding, the former has got the cốmplete upper hand, and tyrannizes over the good lady in secret. Lady Lillycraft now and then complains of it, in great confidence, to her friends, but hushes up the subject immediately, if Mrs. Hannah makes her appearance. Indeed, she has been so accustomed to be attended by her, that she thinks she could not do without her; and the one great study of her life is, to keep Mrs. Hannah in good humour by little presents and kindnesses.
Master Simon has a most devout abhorrence, mingled with awe, for this ancient spinster. He told me the other day, in a whisper, that she was a cursed brimstone-in fact, he added another epithet, which I would not repeat for the world. I have remarked, however, that he is always extremely civil to her when they meet.
VII.-CONTEST BETWEEN THE EYES AND THE NOSE.
BETWEEN Nose and Eyes a strange contest arose,
The spectacles set them unhappily wrong;
To which the said spectacles ought to belong.
With a great deal of skill, and a wig-full of learning;
So famed for his talent in nicely discerning. “In behalf of the Nose, it will quickly appear,
And your Lordship,” he said, “will undoubtedly find, That the Nose has had spectacles always in wear, Which amounts to possession time out of mind.”
Then, holding the spectacles up to the Court
“Your Lordship observes they are made with a straddle, As wide as the ridge of the Nose is ; in short,
Design’d to sit close to it, just like a saddle. “ Again, would your Lordship a moment suppose
'Tis a case that has happen'd, and may be againThat the visage or countenance had not a Nose,
Pray, who would, or who could wear spectacles then ? “On the whole, it appears, and my argument shows,
With a reasoning the Court will never condemn, That the spectacles plainly were made for the Nose,
And the Nose was as plainly intended for them.”
He pleaded again in behalf of the Eyes ;
For the Court did not think they were equally wise.
Decisive and clear without one if or but,
By day-light or candle-light-Eyes should be shut.
VIII.-THE NEWCASTLE APOTHECARY,
Professing openly with Death to wrestle;
Arm'd with a mortar and a pestle.
So (many a suffering patient saith)
Though the apothecary fights with Death,
A member of this Æsculapian line,
Or make a bill;
your Or chatter scandal by your bed ;
Or spread a plaster.
His fame full six miles round the country ran,
In short, in reputation he was solus !
His name was Bolus.
Which oftentimes will genius fetter)
And cultivated the Belles-lettres.
Can't men have taste that cure a phthisic?
Apollo patronizes physic. Bolus loved verse; and took so much delight in't, That his prescriptions he resolved to write in't: No opportunity he e'er let pass
Of writing the directions on his labels,
In dapper couplets-like Gay's Fables, Or rather like the lines in Hudibras.
Apothecary's verse l-and where's the treason ?
'Tis simple honest dealing ;—not a crime; When patients swallow physic without reason,
It is but fair to give a little rhyme. He had a patient lying at death's door, Some three miles from the town—it might be four;
To whom one evening Bolus sent an article In pharmacy, that's call’d cathartical:
And on the label of the stuff
He wrote this verse,
To be well shaken."
Upon his pad,
Knocks of this kind
By fiddlers, and by opera-singers :
Out of their fingers.
Portending some disaster,
And not his master.
Well, how's the patient?” Bolus said.
John shook his head. “Indeed?_hum !_ha!-that's very odd, He took the draught ?”—John gave a nod. “Well-how?_What then?-Speak out, you dunce !"
Why then,” says John,“ we shook him once."