This only Comfort will their Suff'rings eafe,
That, like good Chriftians, they depart in Peace.
You cannot, Sir, do better for your Lad,

Than bind him an Apprentice to this Trade:
The King's his Surety, and will not neglect him,
But with a Standing-Army ftill protect him.

Yet if Bob's Talent lie not in his Brains,
Make him a Parfon, Neighbour, by all Means.
His Road unto Preferment, Sir, is chaulk'd,
In all my Life I ne'er knew Blockhead baulk'd.
As rankeft Weeds in richeft Soil are found,

So Spiritual Hemlock thrives in Holy Ground.
The Church and State, like Sharpers, cry out Halves,
One claims the Fools, the other all the Knaves.
Thus, Sir, I've fhewn you how your Son may rife,
But do as féemeth good in your own Eyes:
For if your English Stomach can't digeft
The rav'ning Courtier, or the Jackal Prieft,
Teach him yourself, and let the Son inherit
His Father's Acres, and his Father's Merit:
E'er Senfe, that, like Aurora, does make Way
For brighter Reafon, the enfuing Day,
With Noll's great Image fill his dawning Soul,
His Fancy fatter, and his Judgment rule.
May's Action's fuit unto his Country's Fame,
And keep the Rebel in the English Name.
Let him, like me, all Monarchy oppofe,
And pluck the Idol by his Roman Nose.

Your Servant,

Algernoon Sidney.

P. S.

Your old Friend Mr. Ludlow's in good Health, And hopes to live to fee a Commonwealth.

337

A

CHARACTER

OF A

Low-Church Magiftrate.

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By Mr. THO. BROWN.

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I

Have at laft, with much Difficulty, procur'd you a Copy of the Character of a Latitudinarian, anatomiz'd, which you have fo long, and with fo much Importunity defir'd of me. All I can learn from the Paper is, that the Author calculated it for the Meridian of York, as I take it, (the Magiftrate of which Place in the Year 44, was a famous Ambidexter) and that it will equally ferve for any Corporation within his Majefty's Dominions; but I will not detain it from you any longer.

A Latitudinarian is a walking Amfterdam of Religions, out of whom all the Ancient and Modern Herefies might be easily retriev'd, though the Volumes of Epiphanius and Rofs were loft. He thinks no Part of a Church facred but the Weather-Cock, and honours the Memory of him that invented a Windmill, because it can grind indifferently with Eaft, Weft, Nortb, and South. He talks Q

much

much of Moderation, yet is as hot as one of his own Custards, and as Cholerick as a Hafty-pudding; he's as Pofitive in his own fingle Self, as an Affembly of fplaymouth'd Divines; Geryon and Cerberus were only Types of him, but though he has three Heads, riz. An Indepen dant, a Presbyterian, and a Church of England Head, yet he has not Brains to furnifh any one of them. By his Wisdom and Gravity one would think he had Long Ears; but 'tis certain he has none, for he is deaf to the Cries of the Poor, and though he devours Widows and Orphans at a Morfel, yet he has no Bowels. His Confcience is as unaccountable as a Modern Hypothefis, which fpares Cockle-fhels in Noah's Flood, and diffolves the hardest Mettals; for it starts at an innocent Ceremony, when it makes nothing to digest Perjury and Oppreffion. 'Tis impoffible to frame an Oath, but what he'll readily fwallow to gratify his Ambition. He calls them State Counters, takes them for his Interest, and breaks them for his Convenience; he calls God to witness, and yet believes nothing of his Existence, like the Fellow in Plautus's Amphritrio, that fwears by Hercules before he was born. Trade, with him, is the Law and the Prophets; and, in Oppofition to the Text, he's refolved to ferve God and Mammon together. Had he liv'd'in the Time of Conftantine, he'd have gone to the Chriftian Affemblies one Day to fave his Bacon, and to the Heathen Temples the next,, to fecure a Stake against a Pagan Revolution. The Men of Gothama are register'd for a Pack of Fools, for endeavouring to hedge in. a Cuckow; is it not then a fcurvy Reflection upon a certain wife City's Care for Religion, to pitch upon a Cameleon for its Head, who changes his Colouras often as he shifts his Place? 'Tis pity, that our Laws, that order, so honourablés a Reward for Plurality of Wives, have not made the fame whole fome Provifion against Plurality of Religions. He rails at Superftition, and pretends to stand up for the Primitive Church; but though we read that the Apostles were Fishers, they were not Water-men, to look one Way and row another.

He is very fevere against the Bakers, and punishes them upon every Occafion; not for Cheats, for as fuch

he honours them, but only to fhew his Skill in the Históry of the Bible, where he finds it was one of that Profeflion that firft hanfell'd the Gallows. He defigns to adorn the Annals of his Government with fomething extraordinary, and to purchase a Name, as Heroftratus did of old, by Inflaming the Church. Stow and Holling fhead, that took fuch Pains to deferibe Calves with fix Legs, and all other unnatural Births, if they had liv'd in our Age, what a strange Account would they have given of this triple-headed Beast, that exceeds all the Monsters that ever were known in Bartholomew Fair, that ever Africk or Holland produc'd ?

When his Dulnefs is mounted on Horfeback, h makes me think of fome ancient Coats of Arms, where the Supporters are of the fame Species with the Beasts in the Scutcheon. If the City, to give another Inftance of their Difcretion, fhould chufe Ball to fucceed his Mafter, as we find Caligula once defign'd his Horse for the Gonfulfhip, I dare engage for Ball, that he'll make the foberer Magiftrate of the two; and after he has had his Belly full of Hay and Oats in the Morning, that he won't kick and winch, and keep a Pother to be carry'd to Brewers Grains and chopt Straw in the Afternodi.

Whatever he may be to the rest of his Servants, his Cook leads a vey eafy Life with him, and has as little to do all the Year round as a Barber in Mofcovy, a Lord Treafurer in Scotland, or a Taylor under the Line, · were they all go Naked. He preaches up Temperance at his own Table, but is an Harpy incarnate when he can devour on Free-coft, and hates no Sins but those that are expenfive. He fhews his Charity to the Poor, by providing Prifon-room for them; and for fear they fhould die of Surfeits, takes care to let them Blood with a Dog-whip.

In his own fingle Self he out-does all the strange Changes in Ovid's Metamorphofis. OEdipus himself, Satyr, were he alive, could never unriddle him. that quarrell'd with the Fellow in the Fable for blowing Hot and Cold fucceffively with the fame Breath :

Q 2

What

What would he fay to our Flea-bitten Magiftrate, that can do both at the fame Inftant? If he vary'd his Body as often as his Soul tacks about, no Taylor could fit this Pofture Clark in Religion, but he that made a Manteau for the Moon. In vain he promotes a Reformation, who ought to begin it at Home, and ftands up for the Sab. bath, which no one prophanes like himself; for he teaches more Atheism by his Example, than all the Parfons in the City can ever hope to preach down. He is of feveral Churches, but of no Religion, as we fay of Hermaphrodites, that, by being of both Sexes, they are indeed of none, and can neither conveniently receive Love as Women, nor act it vigorously as Men. He pretends to hate Divifions, and yet encourages Schifm which he foolishly judges to be expedient for the State; as the Women on the other fide of the Tweed refufe to be cured of the Itch, becaufe, foofooth it is wholfome.

Nebuchadnezzar's Image had a Head of Gold, and Feet of Clay. Our Idol has a Skull as foft as Pap,to a Face of Brafs and Arms of Iron. Having mention'd Brafs,commend me to that Murus Aheneus, his Confcience, which has long fince learnt the Trick Nullâ pallefcere Culpâ.

I wonder with what Pretence he can punish Beggars, who is himself the most inexcufable Vagrant in the three Kingdoms. If the Pythagorean Syftem of Tranf migration be true, the next Remove his Soul makes muft be into an Otter, or some such amphibious Animal, for one fingle Element can never contain him. He alters his Shapes according to the Company he is in, like thofe experienc'd Sharpers, who when they are at Court would pafs for good City Security, and when they are in the City, would be thought to have an Interest at Court. When he thinks his Authoirty will bear him out, Lucifer is lefs haughty and abfolute; at other Times he's as fubmiffive and humble as a Temple-Bar Vintner in the long Vacation. But who would not be ftow aCudgel upon this fawning Cur, that will leap over a Stick for the Pope's Nuncio,and next Minute do the fame for a Crop-ear'd Tub-drubber?

He goes to a Sermon with the fame Intent, as the Prifoners in Ludgate go to the Grate, only to fhew his