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ne'er a Court in all the Seven Provinces, where a Man can be heard in forma pauperis ; which is a fad Thing for us poor Soldiers, that are not overftock'd with the Ready. And then, as I have already told you, those chat pass for Maids, are such insensible Things, that one may succeed much sooner in his Pretensions elsewhere, than he can here make himself understood : Or, to express myself in the Language of Westminster-Hall, one may get his Cause try'd, enter upon the Premises, and levy a Fine elsewhere, before he can put in his Plea here, let him use all the Art he can.
The young Fellows are made of the fame unthinking Clay; they sometimes talk of the Plames of Love, but 'cis so as we :10 at this DiItance, of the Siege of Troy, which nothing concerns lis, 'Tis next to an Article of Faith with them, that no Evacuation is so refreshing as a Belch, that nothing warms but Brandy, and that nothing is worth a Man's courting but Money.
Guess then what a dismal Penance I have undergone in this wicked Place ; but now, Heaven be prais'd, my Perfecution is like to be at an End; for next Week we are order'd to join the Army at Nivelle, where I hope to meet good Store of Champaign, and and to make myself Amends out of the Female Re. Tuits that are arriv'd from England. Come Bacele and Murder, Bloodfied and Desolacion, Fire and Faggot ; in tine, any Thing but Dutch Women, and the Curse of Sobriety. Thus prays
Yvior most oblig'd Servant.
bis Mistress, that shew'd
Letters to bis Rival.
em MOUR barbarous and unjust Usage of me
has had this good Effect, tho' I am not at all oblig'd to you for it, as to make me a very good Chriftian. I was in a fair way to commit Idolatry, and to
pay my Adoration in a wrong Place; so far had a gay Outside impos'd upon me. Buty Madam, you have absolutely cur'd me of this superftitious Blindness; and now I can plainly discover the Fiend, where I imagin'd a little before that nothing but a Goddess inhabited.
Since my Eyes have been thus open'd, I can look upon the fairest of your Sex, without finding the least Emotion in my Heart ; and the most beautiful Woman of Heaven's making affects me no more than one of Sir Godfrey's : Nay, in some Respect, the Copy may be faid to exceed the Original : fair and charming an Outside, but nothing of that Vanity and Impertinence, nothing of that Hypocrisy, Malice, and Diffimulation, which make up the Composition of the other.
I dare appeal to yourself, who are none of the most impartial Judges in the World, whether I ever faid, or did, or writ, one misbecoming Thing to you, Paflion, perhaps, which intoxicares no less
than Wine, might betray one to come Excesses; bue fill they were
to your Advantage ; on which Score you were oblig'd, if not to forgive them, yet at least to bury them in Silence. I never approach'd you but with a sacred Awe, and always represented a Divinity to myself, when ever I cook Pen in Hand to acquaint you with the Sentiments of my Soul. If my Incense was not of the first Sort, (for I am humble enough to believe, that you might have receiv'd much etter from a thousand other Hands), yet the Sincerity of him that offer'd it ought to have cover'd him from your Difpleasure. Tho' you disike my Flame, yet in common Charity you might have suffer'd it to expire in its own Urn. If you were resolv’d to punish it for aspiring fo high, one single Frown would have extinguish'd it, or at least fecur'd you from being troubled with it any longer. But to divert yourself and my Rival, 20 the Expence of an unhappy Lover, who was then bleeding for you ; to publish his Infirmities, only occasion'd by the Violence of his Passion; oh! thou downright Devil ! I should say, Woman, was cruel to the last Degree, and such Usage that the worst of Princes never treated the worst of Subjects with. But, Heaven be prais'd, it awaken'd every
Refentment about me, and in spite of my Weakness gave me Courage enough to tear you from my Heart, which you had so unjustly usurp'd.
But I forgot, Madam, that you made me a Chriftian ; fo to thew that I am still in perfect Charity with you, I hope and chat without any Reserve, to see you marry'd to my Rival. Since your Vanity takes such Delight to be address'd, the very next Day after the Priest has join'd your Hands, may you receive more Letters from your pretended or real Ada mirers, than are sent to a Secretary of State after the first Discovery of a Plor. May you shew them to youtr Husband, in Hopes he will challenge one of the Sparks, and fall in your Quarrel. May they
have that Effect, as to fly-blow him in the jealous Side of his Head; but may he never think you worth the while to venture the cutting off a Finger in the Defence of your Honour. Still may the Sparks perfecure you with their Billets; and still may he think them to be of your own contriving, and treat you accordingly. In mort, may he and you live long, exceeding long together, and may Providence fo influence all his Actions, as to make him an Instrument of doing Justice to you, and to the
From a Beau, disswading his Brother
Beau to go to Flanders. .
LL the Chocolate-Monfes at this End of
the Town are exceedingly surpriz'd ac A the inhuman Refolutions thou hat taken
of pifting this Campaign in Flanders, and talk of going into Mourning for
thee. Nay, would'st thou believe it! those brawny Insensibles, the Chair-men, take it to Heart, and threaten to renounce Flip and All-Fours, since thou hast decreed to leave Englando - Prithee, Tam, what have the Ladies done, that thou fhould'st be so cruel to them? Or, rather, what arweildy Sins hafi thou committed, to be fo barbarous :o thy self? For. my Part, I look upon thee to be bewitch'd, for I cainot otherwise account for thy Madness. Thon har no Religion to fight for, that's certain, and there are Liberty and Property Fools enough in che, Nation, without thee; to help to increase their Numbers,
Lord ! what will the Degeneracy of this Age" come to ? That a Gentleman that understands Dreffing to Perfection, and has spent for many Hours at Locket's and the Blue Posts, to cultivate his Palate, should ever be such a Sot, as in cool Blood, and of his own true Accord, to visit that hellish Country, where the Burgo masters and the Boors confpire be. tween them to infect the very Air with their Belches.". Rót my Diaphragm, - if the nafty Word has not polluted my Ink, so that I am foro'd to put fome Orange-Water into the Standish, to correct the unfavory. Smell. Really, Tam; to think of the Miferies, thou must endure this Summer, is as bad as going up to the Monument : - It has made me giddy, , confound me elfe, and my Head turns round like a Weather-Cock. In the first place, to lye in a damn'd fireaking Tent; where you can scarve turn yourself round, with no Curcains to your Bed ; nay, not so much as a Looking-glass in its lowest Signification: Then no other Pulvilio to scent your : Periwig, . but the Dust of the Plains and Gunen powder, and to stink worfe of the latter than Cheap ide did formerly on a Lord Mayor’s-Day ; upon rhole uprighteous Things call's Marches, no such: Convenience as a Chair to be got. For your Comfortg. Tamy you must walk thro' chick and thin with no Waiter behind you to clean . your Shoes, among a Herd of skirtless Rascals, that stink worfe than Pole-cats. Oh ! let me think no more of them: Besides, tis a Million to one, that walking thus in the Sun, will dignify your Face with some Pimples... Horrid and hideous! the very Thought of a.. Pimple -has so discompos'd me, that feeling something itch in my Forehead,
--I must beg your Pardon, Tam, if being under the Apprehenfions of such a Disaster, I now and then make bold to consult that faithful Oracle my. Glass : Heaven be prais'd, ?ris not so bad with me ; what the Devil means that little Spot of Red ?