Page images

forc'd to knock off long ago, if it had not been for this Artifice. It has fav'd the Sun from being eclips'd, the Grown from being abdicated, the Rose from decaying, the Founсain from being drawn dry, and both the Devils from being confin’d to utter Darkness. If

your own Invention is so barren, that it wants to be allifted, or you have not Geography enough to chriften your Wines yourself, I advise you to buy a Map of Spain, Portugal, France, and Italy, and there you will find Names of Places fit for your Purpose, and the more uncommon they are, they'll be the more taking. Neither is this Piece of Policy only practis'd in ours, but in most other Trades. A Bookseller, to help thé Sale of a dull Pamphlet, will spruce it up with a most glorious Title, and tell you the Edition is almost fold. off, when he has five hundred lying dead upen his Hands. A Perfumer will pretend, that his Essences came from Montpelier, or Florence, tho' he made them. at Home. The Glover talks of Cordova, and the Mer. cer of Naples, 'till their Lungs are founder'd, when boch theis Commodities were of London Extraction. And what Harm is there in all this? If the People cannot be pleas'd otherwise, we must, in our own Defence, act as the Nonconformist Divines do, and hu. mour them in their Folly. Si populus vult decipi, deci piatur, was the Saying of a Church-man who under. Itood ihe World so well, that he wou'd have made an admirable Vintner, had he thought it worth his while.'

Thirdly, Don't forget to commend your Wine for those very Qualities that your Customers find Fault with it, like the Poets of the Town, who always justify those Pallages in their Plays, for which the Criticks condemn them. For Example, If they say 'tis fower or harsh, why, Gentlemen, 'tis the Nature of true French Wine to be fo ; if they tell you

'sis small, you must reply, that it has a concealid Body ; and if they quarrel with it for being heavy and strong, you may stop their Mouths, by saying, 'cis so much the fitter for our Climate, and that a Frieze Coar is


not false Latin in England, whatever it may be in a warmer Country.

At other Times it will not be amiss to shift your Sails, and use another Conduct; as for Instance: A Company of well-drest Gentlemen come to your House, and in refpect to their Quality and gaudy Outfides, you draw 'em the best Wine in your Vaults. Phaw, says one, what the Devil have you brought us here ? Damn it, cries another, this Stuff is not fit to be serv'd at a Porter's Burial. Then you may harangue them to the following Trine. Why Gentlemen, this Wine, an't please you, tho' it dirpleases you so much, has the good Fortune to be lik'd by other Palates. There's Sir John Squander, and my Lord Topewell, and twenty more I could mention, Senators, and Men of Underftanding, that drink their Gallons of it every Night : But, to say the Truth, 'tis not, between Friends, true Orthodox ; I find

your Palates are extraordinary; ro I will go down my self, and bring you the Flower of Europe, tho'l'fay it ; a small Parcel of it came over coher Day; it only grows in one Vineyard belonging to the Monks, a Plague on 'em I have forgot the Place ; the greatest Part was bought for the King's Use, against a publick Entertainment, and the Merchant befriended me with the rest : But for God's Sake, Gen. tlemen, speak not a Word of this to any of my Cuftomers; you shall have of it for your own Company as long as it lasts-; but if ever this should be known to my Lord, and Sir Jolin, and the Country Parant Men, that come to my House, I am una done for ever, therefore I hope you'll be seeret. Then fly down Stairs like Lightning, bring up a Flalk of the worst Wine you have, take off the Oil nicely, and present the Glass to one of those judicious Genclemen. Now observe how the Scene is alter'd. A plague on't, why this will do, says the first. Do ? cries the second, spirting it critically upon the Floor, this is fic for Augels, and not poor finful Morrals, Why, Jack, says the third, this is exactly the same


Wine you and I used to make merry with on the other side of the Alpes. An't please the Lord, cries the fourth, I'll get my full Dose on't to Night. Mar fter, we are oblig'd to you. Here, Drawer, bring me ap a Napkin ; and then a good Supper is bespoke, and Drunkenness enfues. A certain Brother of the Quill, that does not live full an hundred Miles from the Exo change, has got a brave Eftate by this very Tricky therefore fee you put it in Practice. There are a thousand ocher Stratagems to be used in our Profefliou, but should. I pretend to recounc, but half of them here, I fould make this more tedious tban a Pastoral Letter. A litele Time and Experience will soon bring you acquainted with them.

I have nothing now left upon my Hairds to do, but to answer the Scruples you propos'd come in your hast, which I will dispatch with all the Brevity I am. Master of.. You desire to know whether a Vintner may take Advantage of People when they are in their Cups, and reckon more than they have had. To which I answer in the Affirmitive, that you may, provided it be done in the way of Trade, and not for any linister End. This Cafe has been fo adjudg'd many Years ago in Fintners Hall, and you may, depend upon't. Don't you see how in all other Trades they never fcruple to make a Penny of a Customer's Ignorance, (else how could the Bookfeller in Paul's ChurchYard, have palm'd Ogilby's Fables, with Cucs, upon. a. Country Wench, for, a Common-Prayer. Book; and: told her, that Agop, with his Beasts about him, was Adam in Paradise) and is not Drunkennefs, while is continues upon a Man, a Scare of Ignoravce Befides, is it not a Sin, a heinous Sin? And ought nof we, that are in fome Measure accelfary to it, to mortify and punith it . And docs any Thing more diturb the Confcience of an English-Man, than to make his Pocket de Penance ? After all, if the Fraud is difcover'd, (and 'ris ten to one whether: ic ye or no) the Master of the House is not at all affected by it. A


The poor

Vintner, like the King, can do no Wrong. The Bar indeed may mistake, the Drawers may be Sons of Whores, and mis-reckon, but a Master is not to be damnd for the Transgressions of his Servants. Even General Councils, with the Pope at the Head of 'em, are not infallible. Humanum eft errare. Woman at the Bar is but just come our of the Count. try, or the Noise of the Bell, or the Hurry of Business, distracted her. Gentlemen, to make you Amendsy r'll call for my Quart ; I'd not do an ill Thing for the Universe. And chus the Farce concludes.

In the next Place, you wou'd know how you ought to govern yourself in relation to lewd women that Gentlemen bring to your House: To which I reply, That as Men that have Wives, are commanded to live as if they had none ; fo, in this wicked Town, a Vintner that has Eyes, must behave himself as if he had them not, and sometimes too he must have no Ears, otherwise, damn'd Rogue, and Cuckoldly Vil. lain, would make but ill Musick in them. So long as all this ferves for tlie promoting of Trade, for my Part, I think there's no great Sin in ie ; this. I am fure of, that if it were not for this Practice, our Neighbours the Apothecaries and Surgeons would fairly ftarve ; and, you know, we should love our Neighbours as our felves. The worst Effect it pradirces, is in respect to our Wives and Daughters; it fets their Mouths a watering, and often makes them with to be in the Harlot's Place. I once knew a Vintner's big-belly'd Wife, that having taken Notice of a painful Whore, who by the Sweat of her Brows had earn'd fifteen Pints of White Wine one Night with fifteen several Men, went ill from the Bar, and nothing would serve her Furn, brit she must be deliver'd in the very Chair that had affifted so much Fosnicacion. But you'll fáy 'tis against your Confcience. Coufin. Fohn, you are a young Beginner in the World, therefore follow my Direction, and clap a Muzzle upon your Conscience. When

you have got twenty thou


fand Pounds in your Pocket, you may take off your Muzzle, if you think fits and leave it, to itfelf. Then you may shut up your Doors at Nine, look as discreetly as the graveft Hypocrite in the City, for: bid singing of Catches in your House, deliver a Gill of Wine thro' the little Wicket only on the Lord's Day, call the Sunday the Sabbath, strut to the ParishChurch at the Head of half a Dozen notch'd Drawers lugging a Geneva Bible between them, and take the Sermon in Short-Hand, as many of your Predecessors, (when they thought they were wealthy enough to de. ferve Damnation) have done before you. This is all, from

Your affectionate Kinsman.

[ocr errors]

To my Lady .. that marry'd

an old decrepit Widower.


OU have used yourself with greater Cruelty

[ocr errors]

had it been your ill Fortune to come within his Power. Algiers itself inflicts no such Punilhment up: on its vileit Slaves, as you have voluntarily and freely impos'd upon your felf. Mezentius, fo execrable in History for tying the Living to the Dead, reserv'd this inhuman Usage only for his Enemies; as Brural as he was, he never dream'd of using his Friends in that Manner, much less himfelf, Yet you, Madam, have thought fit to practise it upon one, who, to my Knowledge, deserv'd a better Treatment at your Hands


« PreviousContinue »