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by the light suggestions of the tempter Satan; and since I am of myself very weak, I implore thy restraining hand upon my understanding, that I may not reason in the pride of worldly wisdom, nor flatter myself on my attainments, but ever hold my judgment in subordination to thy word, and see myself as wbat I am, an helpless dependant on thy bounty. If a spirit of indolence and lassitude have at times crept on me, I pray thy forgiveness for it; and if I have felt rather inclined to prosecute studies wbich procure respect from the world, than thie hnmble knowledge which becomes a servant of Christ, do thou check this growing propensity, and only bless my studies so far as they conduce to thy glory, and as thy glory is their chief end. My heart, O Lord! is but too fond of this vain and deceitfud world, and I have many fears lest I should make shipwreck of my hope on the rocks of ambition and vanity. Give me, I pray thee, thy grace to repress these propensities; illumine more completely my wandering mind; rectify my understanding; and give me a simple, humble, and affectionate heart to love thee and thy sheep with all sincerity. As I increase in learning, let me increase in lowness of spirit; and inasmuch as the babits of studious life, unless tempered by preventing grace, but too much tend to produce formality and lifelessness in devotion, do thou, O heavenly Father, preserve me from all cold and speculative views of thy blessed Gospel; and while with regular constancy I kneel down daily before thee, do not fail to light up the fire of heavenly love in my bosom, and to draw my heart heavenward with earnest longings [to thyself.]
And now, 0 Blessed Redeemer ! my rock, my hope, and only sure defence, to thee do I cheerfully commit both my soul and my body. If thy wise Providence see fit, grant that I may rise in the morning, refreshed with sleep, and with a spirit of chearful activity for the duties of the day; but whether I wake here or in eternity, grant that my trust in thee may remain sure, and my hope unshaken. Our Father, &c.
[This prayer was discovered amongst some dirty loose papers of H. K. W's.]
SEPTEMBER 22, 1806.
ON running over the pages of this book, I am constrained to observe, with sorrow and shame, that my progress in divine light has been little or none.
I have made a few conquests over my corrupt inclinations, but my heart still hankers after its old delights; still lingers half-willing, half-unwilling, in the ways of worldly-mindedness.
My knowledge of divine things is very little improved. I have read less of the Scriptures than I did last year. In reading the Fathers, I have consulted rather the pride of my heart, than my spiritual good.
I now turn to the cause of these evils, and I find that the great root, the main spring is love of the world; next to that, pride; next to that, spiritual sloth.
[This Memorandum was written a very few weeks before his death.]