ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. House of Commons, Monday, July 19. -Often heard of "dragging red herring across path." Never before to-night witnessed performance. Proceeding most effective. It was а Scotch herring, and the draughtsman was the WEARISOME WEIR. House in Committee of Supply; Foreign vote on; for weeks and months the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, reminiscent of an earlier statesman, had been publicly "longing to be at 'em!" PRINCE ARTHUR, with his sword drawn, stood waiting for the man of brawn. Now the lists were open; trumpets brayed; swords flashed; the tourney had commenced. Proved an exceedingly tame affair. SQUIRE seemed to have exhausted all his ardour in anticipation. Mindful of one of highest traditions of British statesmanship, he would not embarrass Her MAJESTY's Government on questions of Foreign policy. Only wanted to know, you know, just as much as it would be convenient to tell. GEORGE CURZON told as little as possible in speech of half hour's duration. Then Members went off at a tangent all over world from Madagascar to the Mediterranean, from Cephalonia to Cyprus, from Trichinopoly to the Transvaal. ÉRNEST BECKETT, dropping in on the Sandwich Islands, told interesting story of missionary enterprise. These good men, hailing from United States, have, he averred, deposed QUEEN; established a standing army; compelled everyone to go to church; made sleepiness through the sermon a high crime and misdemeanour; denounced dancing as the unpardonable sin. BECKETT's weird story illustrated by uncanny effects. As he spoke the lightning flashed; the thunder rolled; the lashing rain was heard through open windows falling on the courtyard outside. The startled House, attuned to solemn mood, THE MODERN HAT. (A STUDY IN SHADOWS.) When SAGE sat down, the WEARISOME see him holding out trembling hands to ONE discovered on his legs, looking more the MARKISS, begging him to save sound than usually wise. What would be his Conservative principles from malign Radisubject? Autonomy in Crete? the Peace cal influence. negotiations? the Soudan advance? the Behring Sea imbroglio? There was a rumbling sound. Members thought the thunder had begun again. It was only premonition of movement of the hydraulic machinery whereby, in moments of intense emotion, the WEARISOME ONE draws his voice from remote recesses of his boots. "Mr. LowTHER,' the voice said, in curdling tones. "I desire to call the attention of the Committee to a question affecting Scotch herrings." A touch of genius was the creation of the one-armed miner. Having drawn painful picture of the ruined mine-owner, LONDONDERRY, with quick, unexpected movement, dragged in the one-armed man. Short and simple are his annals. With constitutional tendency to place himself in the way of compensation for accident, he lost an arm whilst engaged upon his daily avocation. A compassionate employer found work for him in the mines. But when a Bill, foisted upon a ConservaIn a moment the House threw off the tive Cabinet by a former Radical, becomes sombre mood born of a sultry night. A part of the law of England, that onepeal of merry laughter broke forth. Be-armed labourer must go. No employer fore it had subsided PRINCE ARTHUR moved the closure. The WEARISOME ONE, his herring and his string, were hustled off the pathway, along which public business moved with merrier pace. Business done.-Mr. WEIR draws a Scotch herring across the path, and what came of it. Tuesday.-A nice frank way about LONDONDERRY. No difficulty when he speaks in knowing exactly what he wants. In Lords, to-night, Workmen's Compensation Bill down for second reading. BELPER understood to have moved that stage in the course of a private conversation with himself conducted with head drooping over bundle of manuscript on the table. WEMYSS had intended to move rejection. In deference to recommendation of Miners' Association, he magnanimously withheld The Wearisome One. "Man, it's gettin' pair- his speech. This was LONDONDERRY'S feckly awfu'! I merely rrise tae ventillate the opportunity. Seized it to run amuck at Scottish herrrin', when, ye'll harrdly believe it, but Bill, and thrust viciously at the meek up gits yon Bolfour and cllosurrres me!!!" figure standing behind it. which he alluded not to be lightened by SAGE OF QUEEN to as that of Mr. "CHAMBERLIN." Too ANNE'S GATE denouncing Government as much reason to fear he does not view DON meanest in motive, lowest in action of any Jose and his works with the loyal satishe had known since, in the prime of youth, faction that becomes a leading Member of he joined the diplomatic service. the Unionist Party. Almost pathetic to Lord L-nd-nd-rry introduces his Marvellous harrassed by such legislation could afford THE TWO BOWLES'S-THE MAJOR AND THE "CAP'EN." Tommy. "Really, Mr. Lowther, SIR! To call on a mere land-lubber like him before ME; and merely because he bears My name! Really, SIR, well-shiver my timbers!!" With only one arm and a large family he must be cast out. Great literary geniuses have ere this made effective use of partial dismemberment. LOUIS STEVENSON knew how to make terrible the beat on the pavement of a wooden leg. An older master, CHARLES DICKENS, added a wooden leg to the pathos and effect of the reading of Mr. Silas Wegg. It is reserved for the Marquis of LONDONDERRY to lead into House of Lords a one-armed man, slowly walking him through the ranks of a tearful assembly. That anonymous one-armed man has struck a blow at the Workmen's Compensation Bill, under which it still reels. Business done. In spite of LONDONDERRY's one-armed friend, Lords read a second time Workmen's Compensation Bill. Friday. A quiet night with Army Estimates in Committee of Supply. SARK finding time to scan outer sheet of Times, comes upon pretty line in marriage announcements. "FAREWELL-WINTER." Then follows prosaic announcement of how a Mr. FAREWELL has married a Miss WINTER. But these details cannot, for a poetic mind like SARK's, spoil the matchless effect of the single line" Farewell, Winter!" Henceforth all is sweet spring, lush summer-time. Never since poets began to sing has there been such a perfect epithalium. Of Course SHAKSPEARE forestalled it, as he was before everything. The same idea, applied to other circumstances, is expressed in those lines said to be written in gold on an inner chamber at White Lodge, Richmond: Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by this sun of York. That counts fifteen words. It may be all said in two. "Farewell, Winter!" Business done.-Voted millions. FURTHER PRIVILEGES FOR COLONIAL CELEBRITIES. (To be conferred on them at their next visit.) PERMISSION to sit on the Woolsack and in the Speaker's Chair during the debates in the Lords and Commons. Latchkeys to Buckingham Palace, Marlborough House, and Windsor Castle. Pass to the Royal Box at Covent Garden, the Lyceum, and the other theatres tronised by Royalty. A LAY OF THE G. P. O. WE live in a whimsical age, "Twixt you and myself and the Post; 'Tis the ways of the latter supply me with matter The joke of St. Martin's-le-Grand! I wired from St. Martin's-le-Grand To New-Cross and Newcastle-on-Tyne; Each address had a hyphen or two to enliven Its look-'tis a habit of mine! I laughed (an old habit of mine) At the Postmaster-General's fun;While New-Cross amounted to two words, he counted Newcastle-on-Tyne as but one! This simple example 's but one Of the freaks of the Post-Office sage, Whose fancy created this system belated, That lasts in our whimsical age! THE N. P. BY PIGEON POST. First Wing. Got well over the snow. Going strong. Can see a lot of bears in a sort of inland sea. Second Wing. Still on the move. Came across the moon. A portion of it seems to be made of green cheese. Third Wing. Balloon still on the move. Quite a fashionable watering-place within sight of the Pole. Ice baths splendid institution. Bathing so bracing. Fourth Wing. French idea of North Pole quite right. It is a sort of dancinggarden-just like the place in Paris. Fifth Wing. Just over the North Pole. The advertisers have been there. See distinctly an announcement about some body's soap. Sixth Wing. On the road home. Everything a great success. Please give to HARRY-who will apply for it-half-a crown. my dear old man, I sent off all the pigeons P.S.-Extract from a private letter. So, pa-myself, and I only hope they will like them. Applications for half-crown so far unsuccessful. Entrance at all times to private views everywhere. Perpetual right to visit, on the Sabbath day, all places of entertainment closed on Sunday. Pass to the editorial rooms of all the leading London dailies and weeklies. Free admission to the National Gallery and the South Kensington Museum on a Students' Day. And as a unique distinction-right to travel in a railway compartment not overcrowded in any excursion-train started on a bank holiday. We started-a party of two, in company with other members of the Society-about ten o'clock yesterday morning, from the terminus of one of the Southern lines, and duly arrived, not more than a quarter of an hour late, at Six Elms, a pretty country town some twenty miles from London. Here we were met by some local fellow-workers and other enthusiasts who had flocked from all parts of the country, to the number of about three hundred. The first item of the programme was a paper by the rector on the Parish Church, whither we proceeded, in order to hear it read. The reverend gentleman, however, was unavoidably absent, and his dissertation was delivered from the pulpit, to final paper on "Old Six Elms." It was truly a day to be rememthe accompaniment of a thunderstorm, by a clerical substitute. bered. Not the least interesting of the antiques were the occuThe congregation-I mean audience were much impressed by pants of some of the carriages in the procession. Our van-load the novel way with which the preacher presented the architectu- included three dreadfully proper young ladies, a married woman, ral details of the address. He generally said "North" when he who cooed forth platitudes to her husband in a drawling babyand meant "South," and told us that the church was 175 feet long by voice, as if each word were worth a bank-note, four fat men, 56 inches wide, and that the pulpit (meaning the gallery) a centenarian. Z. Y. X. Yours dissipatedly, VOL CXIII. Uncle Nicholas. "So YOUR AUNT MARY GAVE YOU THAT NICE HORSE AND CART. Do ALL YOUR AUNTS MAKE YOU SUCH NICE PRESENTS?" Freddy. "No; BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, AUNT MARY IS MY GODMOTHER." Uncle Nicholas. "AH, I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT!" Freddy. "AND I AM AFRAID YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU ARE MY GODFATHER!" SHOPPING A CENTURY HENCE. (A Sequel to the recent discoveries in British Columbia.) SCENE Stores of the period. Assistant discovered polishing fancy articles of yellow metal. To him enter Customer. Customer. Rather pretty, those knick-knacks. Assistant. Yes, Sir, we have just received them by the Electric Waggon Post. They are becoming very popular. Cust. Were they made in England? Assist. No, Sir, in Canada. Nothing is made in England nowadays. Since the last strike the country can't stand the expense. Cust. I see; and what are they made of? Tin, I suppose. Assist. Well, no, Sir. They are cheap, and tin is expensive. Cust. Then I suppose silver, or, rather, silver-gilt? Assist. Well, no, Sir, we couldn't afford silver. For this sort of line we go in for the showy combined with the cheap. Cust. How do you secure it? Assist. By using the most plentiful metal in the world-gold. Cust. I see. Well, I will have a shilling's worth. In the meanwhile, can you oblige me with change for an ounce of coal? Assist. Certainly, Sir. [Opens cash-box and produces bank-notes. OUR Irrepressible One writes to inquire whether many of the statements made by the disloyal Press of India may not be fitly described as "Brahmin Bulls." CORRECT DEFINITION OF THE LITTLE ENGLANDERS.-The mites of a Mighty Imperial cheese. THE MODE OF THE MOMENT. Editor. Now, have we got in everything of importance? Sub. I think so. The races are fully reported, including the betting at the post. Ed. That's right. Pedigree of the winners given in every case? given to consideration of the SLOGGER's second innings. Ed. Could not be better. Have we our usual amount of golf and polo? Sub. Assuredly. Specials at Ranelagh and Wimbledon have reported fully. Ed. Billiard match provided for? Sub. Quite. Column and a half devoted to BoB's last break. Ed. Well, is there anything else? Sub (after consideration). No. I think not. Stay! We have some foreign intelligence, a report of the proceedings in Parliament, an account of the doings in the County Council, a long case in the Chancery Division, and a forecast of the harvest. Ed. I see. Well, you could dispose of all that sort of thing in a ten-line paragraph! [Scene closes in on the suggestion. At Scarborough. Miss Araminta Dove. Why do they call this the Spa P Mr. Rhino-Ceros. Oh! I believe the place was once devoted to boxing exhibitions. [Miss A. D. as wise as ever. |