DAN LENO as Widow Twankay is inimitable! Whether he ALADDIN AT THE LANE; OR, NEW LAMPS FOR OLD ONES. smirks, or stares, or smiles, or frowns, or bows, or curtseys, BRILLIANT and artistic in costumes and kaleidoscopic effects of or stumbles, or runs, or dances, or attempts to sing, or has a colour, tuneful in song (you hear a good deal of the Barrett-dialogue with HERBERT CAMPBELL, or is thoroughly happy or tone in it), graceful in dance, full of go" as long as Miss ADA thoroughly upset, it doesn't matter what he does, the house is BLANCHE is on the stage, and arousing the crowded house to in- at once in roars of laughter. The audience cannot have enough extinguishable laughter whenever that most eccentric comedian of him, and he never overdoes anything. Mr. DAN LENO is very much "in evidence," supported by the burly-esque actor, Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL, who may be considered as representing the breadth of the piece, and by tall Mr. FRITZ RIMMA representing the length, the Pantomime at Old Drury has entered on a successful career. Dan Drury Leno as The Second Mrs. Twankayray. say that, from first to last, Aladdin is very "funny without being" in the least "vulgar." Thank goodness there is no "topical song"; while of "hits of the day" there are but few, and even these could be spared. Trop de luxe in the costumes. Why run into the extravagance of three grand transformation scenes, when one would be ample? Why divide the pantomime in two parts, when the whole house would be content if, commencing (as it does now) at 7.30, it finished, harlequinade and all, by just five minutes to eleven ? Miss ADA BLANCHE, prince of burlesque princes, is admirable as Aladdin, working with a will that would keep going even a less successful extravaganza. DECIMA MOORE 18 a sweet Badroulboudour. Miss CLARA JECKS is full of vivacity as a little Chinese maid; Miss PILLANS is a stylish Prince Pekoe, and Mr. ERNEST D'AUBAN shows himself worthy of the family name by his capital impersonation of the small part of the dancing-master. Mephisto Campbell and Blanche à la "Show." This version of Aladdin, "partly founded on the scenario of the late Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS," as written by Messrs. STURGESS and LENNARD, with Mr. OSCAR BARRETT'S music and management, may be described as a something much more than a Sturgess and Lennard-cum-Barrett-ive success," since, judging from its reception by a densely crowded house on the fifth night of its existence, which was its ninth representation, it seems likely in every way to rival the most popular of its popular predecessors. May the New Lamps at Drury Lane burn as brilliantly as did the Old ones. So mote it be! THE BEST OF ALL! THE MOST LEARNED PROFESSION. (Some further Correspondence. See last week's "Times.") SIR,-As all the campaigns in the future will be conducted entirely upon paper, I venture to suggest that the test provided for the efficiency of Army candidates by the proposed Woolwich entrance syllabus cannot be described as unduly severe. The sooner, in fact, that the standard is raised by the introduction of Obligatory Quantics and Dynamics of the Fourth Dimension, the better for the service and for all concerned. What, I ask, will be the use of our coming generals if, at the age of seventeen, they are unable to floor a five hours' paper in elementary subjects such as these, which are so highly necessary for a military career? What will become of their Intelligence Department if each budding lieutenant has not, at an early stage, mastered by heart so rudimentary an acquirement as a knowledge of CHAMBERS' 10,000 logarithms to seven places? I tremble to think of their certain breakdown in time of war, in grim and real earnest, if these important qualifications are neglected. Let the country awake to its responsibilities in time! I am, Sir, your obedient servant, of cramming can hardly be considered complete. What we OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.. THE Colossus was content to bridge the harbour that opened on to Rhodes. In The Yoke of Empire (MACMILLAN), Mr. REGINALD BRETT strides across five Prime Ministers, and pats approvingly on the shoulder the Sovereign they have served. Incidentally he remarks that a rival commentor on history, one MACAULAY, "possessed a genius for commonplace." The Equator does not come in, or, with even more certainty than SYDNEY SMITH attributed to JEFFREY, Mr. BRETT would have spoken disrespectfully of it. As it is, he is occasionally above the rules of grammar, speaking, for example, of Mr. GLADSTONE'S "relation to" the QUEEN. What he related is not reported. Minor authorities would probably have written of the ex-Premier's "relations with " Her Majesty. These little foibles apart, Mr. BRETT deals with an interesting subject in a bright, occasionally a picturesque, manner. A fault in style, if fault may be hinted in such connection, is that, treating each chapter as if it were a platform speech, he rounds it off with a peroration-a breathlessly long sentence, such as only Mr. GLADSTONE might be counted upon to deliver without stumbling. The volume is enriched by half-a-dozen portraits, of themselves worth more than its price. That of Mr. GLADSTONE is, my Baronite says, the very best presented of him during the last ten years. With respect to Echoes from the Oxford Magazine, published some time ago, we are all of Oliver Twist's mind, and want "More." Mr. HENRY FROWDE, ever ready to oblige, has issued a second series, under the title, More Echoes. They are, like the contents of the preceding volume, culled from the luxuriant garden of the Oxford Magazine, having come up between 1889 and 1896. In a prologue, presumably written specially for this volume, "Q," an early contributor to the Oxford Magazine, shows what strength and perfect finish may be acquired as time flies and practice grows. A few of the colts are a little wild, presenting in their lightheartedness some amazing rhymes. Exceedingly clever are Mr. MERRY'S "Afternoon Sermons at St. Mary's," and T. R.'s "Meister Wilhelm in Oxford," which has a fine smack of CANNING's verse in the old Jacobin. As for Mr. GODLEY, he is an acrobat, almost a contortionist in rhyme. He can, my Baronite protests, do anything he pleases with syllables, has even wriggled a passable rhyme out of the apparently impossible DEMOSTHENES.* he proposes an original couplet: "I send you a statue: regret it has lost the knees; Rather Mixed. December 31. "To feel the solid earth rock beneath his feet, to have his natural foothold on the globe's surface swept, so to speak, out of his grasp, is to the stoutest heart of man terrifying in the extreme." FROM OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE. Q. The name of a long-ago celebrated fat French conjurer reminds one of a Christmas dish. What is that dish, and what is the name of the conjurer? A. Plump-Houdin, naturally. NOTE BY OUR OWN GOURMET ON THE COMMON SENSE OF SWINE. A PROFESSOR OF HIGHER MATHEMATICS. SIR, Class II. in the Syllabus for Army Candidates might, with advantage, be extended. Metallurgy, the art of ceramics, high-class undertaking, scientific dress-making, legerdemain, the theory of top-dressing, dentistry, thought-reading,You may cast myriads of pearls before the porker of commerce, French cookery, plate-laying, the use of the tammy, and window and he will treat them with disdain, but throw a single truffle in gardening should all be included in the education of our future his way, and lo and behold! what a self-satisfied epicure does he warriors. You never know when an odd little piece of out-of- become! This fable shows that pigs have more refined appreciathe-way knowledge may not be useful in dealing with the foe. tion of the good things of this world than many would-be fine Yours fatuously, ladies. WHITE KNIGHT. SIR, I trust, I sincerely trust that these Army entrance examinations will be discontinued. We are already becoming inconveniently crowded. Our officers had better be made in Germany. Yours, HANWELL. Ember-Cinders. Lancelot (studying almanack). Mother, what's an Ember day? Mother. One which we have to endure, when your father's forgotten to order the coals as he did yesterday. SIR, It would be well to introduce the Chinese system here. We want genuine literati in command of our battalions. Until archæology and anthropology are taken up in a less half-hearted way than at present, I fear our existing system a sufferer by Black Mail. APHORISM (by a female philosopher).-Blue Woman is often MR. Alderman BURT, of Richmond, Surrey, is, according to the Morning and other papers, endeavouring to spoil the view from the Terrace by advocating the substitution of an iron fence for the picturesque holly and thorn hedge between the hill and the sloping meadow. Richmond without its view would be like Hamlet minus the Prince of DENMARK. This doubtless worthy and possibly eminent citizen should remember that "it is an ill Burt which fouls its own nest." But perhaps the alderman is like the proverbial cuckoo, and has laid his municipal egg on premises which scarcely concern him. In any case, Mr. Punch recommends this particular Burt to respect the wishes of the dwellers on the Terrace in particular, and the landscape-lovers of the world in general, and should he be a reflective Burt, like the jackdaw, to remember that hedges always afford more convenient shelter than the best gilt-topped metal clothes-props ever constructed. The terrible desecration of the walk just inside the Park gates should convince even the Corporation of Richmond that the Age of Stone and the Age of Iron cannot redeem affronts offered to the Age of Nature. Therefore, Mr. Punch trusts that, like Folly, this particular Burt will (metaphorically) be shot flying as he wings his way Desart-wards over the Petersham Meadows. FOR HIS SHANDY VOLUME. What a chapter of chances, said my father, turning himself about upon the first landing as he and . TOBY were going down stairs-what a long chapter of chances do the events of this world lay open to us! Take pen and ink in hand. TOBY, and calculate it fairly I know no more of calculation than this balustrade, said TOBY (striking short of it. and hitting my father a desperate blow souse on the shinbone). 'Twas a hundred to one, cried TOBY thought, quoth my father (rubbing his shin), you had known nothing of calculations. TOBY 'Twas a mere chance, said.. TOBY Then it adds one to the chapter, said my father. I Q. Why is it a necessity? A. Because the Kaiser considers the honour of the uniform of paramount importance, and that honour can only, under certain circumstances, be protected by the sword. Q. And when is duelling a superfluity? A. At times when the Emperor regards the practice as immoral from a civilian point of view. Q. How can you reconcile the two views? A. By appealing to a Court of Honour. Q. Will this course be invariably satisfactory? A. Certainly not, as it may cause a delay derogatory to the Emperor's uniform. Q. And this unavenged insult will merit punishment at the hands of the head of the army? A. It will and consequently it may be desirable to act without waiting for the decision of the Court. Q. But supposing an officer yields to this impulse and calls out his opponent, what will be the probable result? A. That he will be reported to the Emperor for disobedience. Q. And what will be the ? consequence A. He will run the risk of being cashiered, or incur some punishment of equal gravity. Q. In this event, will the Emperor act as head of the army or ruler of the State? A. It matters little whether one or the other, or both. 4. Unquestionably; and there seems to be no way out of the difficulty. Q. Then the officer and the Teuton will find himself in an unpleasant position at all times? A. He will discover himself impaled on the horns of a dilemma. Q. Is there any possible solution to the problem? A. But one. The best thing he can do is to resign his commission, prior to residing permanently in London, and becoming a NEW INSTRUMENT (invented by Professor Punch for the use of naturalised Englishman. juvenile musical prodigies).-The Pianissimo-fortissimo. nowhere at present. VOL. CXII. On sal D Q. Would such a course be patriotic? A. Scarcely, but something wiser-infinitely more convenient. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 16, 1897. GOING TOO FAR. Right Hon. J-s-ph Ch-mb-rl-n (in his Orchid-house). "RHODES MAY SAY WHAT HE LIKES ABOUT SPEAKS DISRESPECTFULLY OF MY ORCHID-!!" ["You know every man must do something. Some people grow orchids."-Extract from Mr. Cecil Rhodes' Speech at the Guildhall, Capetown.] UNCTUOUS RECTITUDE, BUT WHEN HE WE HAVE SUCH FUN YOU KNOW." Rector's Daughter. "YOU HAVEN'T JOINED THE CHORAL CLASS, MR. HARRINGTON. "Twixt rectitude-though unctuous- and sheer wrong. "Vulgar colloquialism." Bless my heart! We fancied you considered slang so smart! "One thought and one ideal.' Splendid brag! To one who's brave and British past denial. Though Mr. FULLER, in his genial way, Doubts that his favourite will have "fair play." A burglar has it, and its name is "swag." "Fret not, my FULLER, only hounds would That species which the Yankees call "swelled head." "Balance of unclaimed country ?" A veat name! But is there no such thing as prior claim? And it might seem 'tis not alone the Dutch Who give too little and who ask too much. "The devil take the hindmost " sounded grand; Now "let the foremost take the hinterland" Appears to supersede that ancient saw. hound A brave man beyond reason's clear-marked bound. But there are rules in National Honour's That even a NAPOLEON or a RHODES Not with a partial love or hatred crude, MOST APPROPRIATE NAME FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE MINER'S MEETING AT LEIOESTER.-Pick-(h)ard. TURKISH FARCE AND RUSSIAN TRAGEDY. SCENE-Constantinople. TIME-The Present. MISCREANT and MUSCOVITE discovered discoursing. Miscreant (surprised). And so you at last oppose me! Muscovite (sternly). I do, for at length you have gone too far. Miscreant (still astonished). And yet I was permitted to massacre! Muscovite (gravely). You were, because, after all, you did what you pleased with your own. Miscreant (evasively). And I was allowed to misgovern! Muscovite (as before). Yes; it was your affair, and not mine. Miscreant (reproach fully). And was permitted to justify my title to "the Great Assassin!"" Muscovite (indifferently). Why not? Miscreant (tearfully). And now, at a moment's notice, you have turned round upon me, and threaten me with "unpleasant consequences." What have I done to merit this rebuke ? Muscovite (with difficulty suppressing a feeling of almost ungovernable rage). You have dared to propose to tamper with my securities! Miscreant. Then what is more important than human life? Muscovite (with tremendous emphasis). Cash, Sir, Cash! [Scene closes in upon the financial situation. |