ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, April 26. -Something under two hundred Members come back after Easter holidays. Look much more like as if they were going to a funeral. Depression so overpowering that by nine o'clock feel they really can't stand any more. So House counted out, which is pretty well for a Monday night in April. Incidentally, second reading of Necessitous Schools Bill carried after feeblest show of opposition. Government offer Schoolboards little present of over £100,000 a year. Like young person who shall be nameless they "want more." Make show of righteous indignation at inadequacy of dole compared with that bestowed on Church Schools. But half a loaf better than no bread. "They pocket the money," said PRINCE ARTHUR, "whilst snapping at the hand that bestows it. Would give a few halfcrowns to charity out of my private purse if I were in position to get up after CHANNING had moved his hostile amendment and announce that in view of honest scruples of gentlemen opposite, the Government feel bound to withdraw Bill for present Session. How would howl; even cut themselves with knives. But JOKIM says subject too serious. We can't afford to play with another Education Bill. So they have their growl and our £100,000." they Only ray of consolation on dull, dark evening found in contemplation of countenance of JOHN O' GORST, time-honoured Educationist. As SARK has said before, the world has lost a great actor in GORST's accidental divagation into politics. Delightful to watch his face to-night as he sat on Treasury Bench actually in charge of an Education Bill. Behind him, visible to the mind's eye, flit ghostly figures of the Committee of Privy Council on Education Now and then he furtively looked up and down the Treasury Bench to see if he was truly left in untrammelled charge. Practically that was so. Occasionally PRINCE ARTHUR stole in with studiously casual air. Possibly secretly anxious to learn if the Vice-President of the Council had broken out in any fresh place. Anxiety concealed behind smiling countenance. Would not presume to approach his own seat as Leader of the House. The Leader pro tem., the Minister in charge of an important Bill, was his esteemed friend the Vice-President of the Council. With him at the helm all was well with the Ship of State. All the same, PRINCE ARTHUR thought it desirable to ask the SOLICITOR-GENERAL to remain in close attendance till the Bill was through second reading. A thoroughly safe man Sir R. FINLAY. No kicking over the traces with him. Business done. Necessitous Board Schools Bill read second time. Tuesday. It will be remembered how when Mr. Vincent Crummles found in local newspapers paragraphs eulogistic of his own art, or the talent of his incomparable company, he was struck with marvel as to how these things get in the papers." There's nothing of Crummles about HICKSBEACH, save, momentarily, a similar state of marvel. Here are the newspapers say ing that Conservative Member for Crewe has resolved to resign his seat. So credulous is the public in these matters that, reading announcement in print, they accepted it without reservation. The local Conservatives, who might be expected to know the mind of the sitting Member on Empire within the limits of the QUEEN'S so important a matter, selected another can- reign, the Right Hon. JEREMIAH LOWTHER didate. Nay, so astute, far-seeing, and was a sight to see. Such a miracle as well-informed a personage as DON JOSE, CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER dilated upon wrote a letter wishing the new candidate finds no parallel since the world began. success! The expenditure has more than doubled; The Liberals selected their man; the but the revenue has forged ahead with fight in full fling, when it occurs to the even greater briskness. This means more SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE to ask HICKS-taxation in the bulk, but so widespread has BEACH if ROBERT WARD really had applied been prosperity, upwards and downwards, for the Chiltern Hundreds. No, said that the burden is borne in individual cases HICKS-BEACH. It's all those newspapers. much more easily than when, at the time "One more of the numerous instances in the QUEEN came to the Throne, it was which a newspaper report is incorrect." half as heavy in aggregate bulk. This not The SAGE's mind is as childlike as his only in spite of, actually by reason of, that manner is bland. It was startling to hear Free Trade over which JEREMIAH makes on this unimpeachable authority that whole Lamentation. A SUGGESTED QUESTION FOR MR. C-GH-ll. "May I ask the Chancellor of the Exchequer whether he has received any application from Unionist Members expressing their desire to vacate their seats in order to contest Crewe?" business rested upon newspaper invention. If HICKS-BEACH said it was so, so it must be. But how about DON JOSE's letter? His knowledge is anterior to newspapers. He could not possibly evolve out of his inner consciousness the conviction that a critical election for a seat held by a Government supporter was pending owing to resignation of sitting Member. How about the COLONIAL SECRETARY's letter recommending a candidate for a seat that was not vacant? The SAGE put the question with look of almost infantile embarrassment clouding his ingenuous countenance. "I always," said DON JOSE, severely regarding the innocent intruder, "reply to letters addressed to me in suitable terms." The SAGE sank back slowly upon his seat, staring into space with vacant eyes. There are some things beyond the comprehension of average man. He feebly felt this Crewe conundrum is one of them. Business done.-Another Count Out. Thursday. Whilst HICKS-BEACH pictured the marvellous growth of the British This would have been hard to bear from SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, brought up from early youth in quagmire paths. But from HICKS-BEACH, in private life a Tory squire, in public position CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER in Conservative Government! It was too much. Unwonted wrinkles marked JEREMIAH's mild and massive brow. An ashen grey tinged his sometime ruddy cheek. Once he pulled himself together, and feebly smiled. It was when HICKSBEACH incidentally expressed the wish that HOWARD VINCENT had flourished in the year preceding the QUEEN's reign. JEREMIAH, who is quick at figures, knocked off a sum which demonstrated that in such case, the military and civil arms of the State, the public platform, and the Parliamentary forum, would to-day lack the counsel and the company of the warrior political economist. The House, seeing the point HICKS-BEACH slyly made, hilariously cheered. JEREMIAH sadly smiled, and as the CHANCELLOR proceeded with his heretical dogmas, he relapsed into attitude of utter woe. "One of the stalest leaflets of the Cobden Club," he described the speech, when forcing himself to stand up to remonstrate against its delivery. But shocks like this are not easily got over. Early in the sitting JEREMIAH withdrew from public view, to nourish in secret this fresh stab dealt by the hand of a friend. Business done.-Budget brought in. Friday.-Lawyers came to the front tonight in Committee of Supply. On vote for Land Registry Office, showed strong desire to discuss Land Transfer Bill, at present in the Lords. Chairman LOWTHER sharply pulled them up. Out of order to discuss the measure on vote in Committee of Supply. The third offender in this direction being shut up, it seemed that vote might forth with be passed, when HOPKINSON, Q.C., strolled in. Charming fellow H. A pleasing presence, a low, clear voice, an admirable speaker. Looking at paper, finding Land Registry Office under discussion, thought he would say a few words. Rising diffidently, crossing one leg over the other, smiling sweetly round the expectant Committee, he began, "I think, Mr. LowTHER, this is a singularly convenient time to say a few words about the Land Transfer Bill "Order! order!" roared the Chairman, Smile faded from HOPKINSON's face; his twined legs gave way at the knees; dropping into his seat, he had explained to him how, unconsciously, he had offended. "I think," SARK whispered in his ear, "this would be a singularly convenient time for you to go home before you get into further trouble." A hint HOPKINSON, Q.C., made haste to accept. Business done.-In Committee of Supply. Few speeches, many votes. topics, it may be mentioned that that well-known angler, Mr. MAYFLY, landed fifteen gudgeon lately in the course of two days' fishing on the Regent's Park Canal. Since golf and lawn-tennis have been abandoned, on account of the ruinous expense which they involve, the good old English game of skittles has become exceedingly popular with the fashionable world. It is said that several members of the Peerage will be among the competitors on Saturday afternoon, when the Seven Dials Club is to hold its championship meeting. Owing to the strict economy which has to be practised this year, the custom of going abroad for the holidays will be wholly discontinued; indeed, several of the smartest people are contenting themselves with a cheap Saturday-to-Monday excursion to Southend. We notice that our contemporary, the Daily Tellewag, ever to the fore with philanthropic schemes, has started a Summer Treat Fund for children of the impoverished aristocracy. Owing to this well-timed movement, a large number of those who will one day be the leaders of Society are sent down each Saturday to the Crystal Palace, where they spend a thoroughly happy day. Before returning home each is presented with a bun, a new sixpence, and a china mug, on which the arms of his or her family are emblazoned. A very successful performance of that historical drama, Punch and Judy, was given by an itinerant showman in Belgrave Square the other evening, which was witnessed by a large and aristocratic audience. Needless to say, all the theatres are now closed, as no one could afford to pay even half-a-crown for a stall in these days. From the same cause, great destitution exists amongst musicians and authors. Dr. RICHTER is compelled to utilise some of his orchestra as a street-band, while Mr. LEONARD BORWICK may have been seen of late playing a pianoorgan. And since no one is able to afford a library subscription, Mr. ANTHONY HOPE and Dr. CONAN DOYLE now find employment in the writing of penny novelettes. I have only room to add, that it is quite the correct thing to be dressed as simply as possible this season. A very charming costume was worn by a lady of title at a recent party. The body was made of household flannel, the skirt of sacking, and the whole was trimmed with bows of pink tape. For second-hand hats you cannot do better than go to Mr. ABRAHAM's pawn-shop; he numbers among his clientèle most of the fashionable people in town, and his prices are most moderate-a very important fact when, in consequence of last year's Jubilee, we have to practise A CASE OF GREAT INTEREST AT SOUTH KENSINGTON MUSEUM. "a rigid and unpleasant economy!" A Farrago of Folly, by GEORGE GAMBLE (FISHER UNWIN), is unflinchingly described in its second title as "Some Vagaries and Verbosities of Two Vulgarians." Certain critics will probably find vulgarity the note of the book. But that is a tribute to its life-like touch. You cannot expect the repose of good manner in two young people who make chance acquaintance in a picture gallery, where the lady attempts to steal the gentleman's book. This pleasantry so much endears her to him that, after several meetings and partings, they secretly depart for Paris, and live there for a few days as brother and sister. The book is decidedly Owing to the genial spring the sporting prospects for this season original, and would rank much higher if it were less determinedly are exceptionally bright. The followers of the Quorn and funny. My Baronite believes that even Vulgarians do not in Pytchley have enjoyed some splendid rat-hunting lately. The private conversation persistently talk with music-hall smartness. Duke of HURLINGHAM has rented some well-preserved potato- It is presumably a first effort, and Mr. GAMBLE will do better plots near Hammersmith, on which large bags are sure to be when he plays more quietly. The account of a night bicycle made, as the sparrows are very plentiful. While on sporting journey is appropriately full of go. THE BARON DE B.-W. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [MAY 15, 1897. So LONDON AT HER SISTER'S SIDE WOULD STAND, [On the afternoon of Tuesday, May 4, the Charity Bazaar, in the Rue Jean Goujon, was burnt down in a few minutes. The City of London was represented by its Chief Magistrate at the funeral of the victims of the terrible misadventure.] Fair Defendant in Cause Célèbre (reading report of yesterday's proceedings). "THE IDIOTS! THERE'S NO TRUSTING ONE'S REPUTATION WITH THESE NEWSPAPERS. THEY DESCRIBE MY HELIOTROPE POPLIN AS PUCE ALPACA WITH A MUSLIN FRILL!" SYMPATHY. "Sunt lachrymæ rerum, et mentem mortalia tangunt."-VIRGIL. WHEN woes are greatest, words are ever weak The grief-choked passion of the soul to speak. And what avail they here? Pressure of hand, The silent look which love can understand, Perchance are best, though all unhelpful they The pain to lessen or the tear to stay. Blackened to awful silence at a stroke! Playing their beautiful and blameless parts As high-bred almoners of Charity, Midst modish glitter and patrician glee, And poor blind children, in wild tumult blent, Hurried to death together, impotent grace, Who, through fire's torturing flame and The sward Of the gay city gleams, boughs laugh with leaves, But in the budding Springtime Paris grieves. "Yet tears to human sufferings are due," Sang the austere Lake poet, grave but true, Sunt lachrymæ rerum! How the general heart Echoes the Mantuan's music, claiming part In all great sorrows, which must general be So long as Man is moved by Sympathy. So London at her Sister's side would stand, And by the silent pressure of a hand Prove mourning Paris doth not stand alone In grief, but that her sorrow is our own! Nicotaniana. Mrs. Gusher. Smoke! I should think I did. I positively devour tobacco from morning till night! Our Own Irrepressible (out again). Then I conclude you live on the cigar-ate! [Not asked to have a second cup of tea. heavily taxed. Happily they show no signs of coming into Vogue. You do not consider yourself a pessimist?" "No, the worst is past, and there are signs of a more healthy public opinion. In ten years' time the ordinary' will have completely ousted the 'safety' bicycle, while there will be a sensible diminution of horses and pedestrians." The poor old machine spoke with such evident sincerity of belief that I had not the heart to continue. "After all," I thought, as I bowed myself out of its presence, "you are not the only one who is living in a fool's paradise!" FOR AND AGAINST THE CHIMNEY-POT HAT. (Vide Recent Correspondence in the "Times.") IT would be advisable, or inadvisable, as the case may be, to abolish It in the Jubilee Year. Because all the scarecrows in the country are already fitted. Because It is the hall-mark of human dignity, and, combined with a smile, is sufficient by itself, without any other costume, to stamp the wearer as one of Nature's Noblemen, whether he be a Missing Link or a King of the Cannibal Islands. Because It is indispensable, as part of the stock-in-trade of conjurers, for the production of five rabbits, pots of flowers, interminable knotted handkerchiefs, and other useful and necessary articles. Because no Harrow boy is happy till he gets It. Because It is a decided protection in a street-fight, or when you fall out hunting or coming home late from the Club. Because It only needs to be carefully sat on to make an excellent and noiseless substitute for the concertina. Because no self-respecting Guy, Bridegroom, or 'Bus-driver, is ever seen without one. Because It is a very effective counterpart of the Matinée hat at Lord's, and similar gatherings. Because, to be at all in the fashion, and to look decently dressed, you require a fresh one every day. This is good for the trade. Because It stimulates the manufacture of umbrellas, eyeglasses, hansom cabs, frock-coats, hair-restorers, and forcible language. Hairdresser (with an eye to business). "YOUR 'AIR'S GETTING VERY INTERVIEWS WITH INANIMATE OBJECTS. AN ANCIENT "ORDINARY" BICYCLE. Ir tried to smile when it saw me-I feel certain of that, and then it looked as smart and juvenile as its rustiness would allow. "Do you consider yourself as finally superseded?" "By no means. It is true that the tide of fashion now runs in favour of the so-called 'safety,' but, in the long run, common sense will prevail, and I shall be reinstated in the affections of the public." "Yet the 'safety' is a faster machine, is it not?" "In one sense, no doubt, for it is vulgar and decidedly low. My wheelmen were exalted in position, and commanded an extensive view." "Are not pneumatic tyres an improvement ?" "Were you ever punctured? Besides, they are a mark of the effeminacy of the age. No such thing was thought of in my time." "So you think that cyclists have degenerated?" "I am sure of it. The wide spread of cycling among nervous and elderly people is having a most disastrous effect. Nothing is now considered but comfort. It my early days people treated a somersault over a hedge as a matter of course." "What is your view of horses?" "They are necessary evils, as bicycles cannot be expected to draw carts. Still, there should be legislation to keep all horses under proper control. I would have them go at a walking pace, preceded by a man with a red flag." "What about pedestrians?" Because no one has yet ventured to wear It on the all-preva Because no statue has ever had the face to sport It, with very few deplorable exceptions. Because It is really the most becoming head-gear hitherto devised. Because It is really the most unbecoming head-gear hitherto devised. Because, after a hundred years, it is time we had a change. Because, when a thing has been running for a century, it is a pity to abolish it. Because, if It is abolished, the custom of raising It to ladies will perish as well, and there will follow the Extinction of Manners for Men, the Decadence of Church Parade, the General Cutting of Acquaintances, the re-introduction of Thumb-biting, Nose-pulling, Duelling, and Civil War, the disappearance of Great Britain as a first-class Power, the establishment of a Reign of Terror, and much inconvenience. Because I have recently purchased an Extra Special Loyal and Up-to-Date Jubilee Tile, which I hope to wave, throw up, and generally smash and sacrifice on the Great Occasion. But that is not another story. THE DIAMOND JUBILEE. A SUGGESTION. DEAR MR. PUNCH,-I am sick of this everlasting pother about the Diamond Jubilee. Didn't we have it all ten years ago? Is there no originality left in the world? For Heaven's sake let us have a little novelty. Is it not preposterous that at this time of day we should be organising another mediæval pageant to parade the streets of London? Let us have something fresh, something progressive, something democratic-something typical of the spirit of the age. What are your gilded coaches, your cream-coloured steeds, your escorts of princes? Relics of barbarism! No, Sir; instead of this tinsel show, let us have something simple, business-like, bicycles. Lord ŠALISBURY and Mr. GLADSTONE on a tandem, change places alternately. "I confess that pedestrians are a nuisance. They should never have been allowed to monopolise the pavements and footpaths. I fear the mischief is done in that direction, but there is no reason why they should act as if the public highway belonged to them. Stringent regulations would diminish the evil. Every" neat, not gaudy." Let the Procession go to St. Paul's on pedestrian should be compelled to take out a license, and also to carry a handbell and ring it when crossing a road. After dark he should carry a lantern." "( Do you approve of motor-cars?" 66 They are a fad which encourages idleness, and should be Hoping that you will see your way to give publicity to my suggestion, I am, dear Mr. Punch, Yours, &c., PNEUMATIO. |