DEAR SIR,-In submitting our new price-list for the ensuing season, we beg once more to call your attention to the great boon conferred upon the public by our system, which enables persons of all classes, for very moderate charges, to have any climate they prefer delivered in bottles or cases at their homes. As the weather, unfortunately, seems likely to be less favourable during this summer than it was at the time of the last Jubilee festivities, we are glad to say that we have in stock a large quantity of superb Summer Temperature (very dry) laid down in 1887. It is only necessary to open one of these bottles in your hall, when your house will at once be filled with the warm, glowing atmosphere of a sunny June day. As the demand for this brand is likely to be very large, your orders for this special "Queen's Weather" quality should be forwarded as soon as possible.

We count with confidence upon doing a very large Summer Holiday business this year. The well-known inconveniences inseparable from travel, and the expense occasioned by the removal of a large family to the seaside, can now be disregarded entirely. You have but to send us an order to secure a cask of guaranteed superfine sea-air, which can be opened in your own home at any time you please. Should the requirements of different members of your family demand it, you can fill one room with Torquay air, another with the Scarborough brand, a third with the peculiar atmosphere of a cheap foreign hotel (duly impregnated with the customary microbes), and a fourth with our special "Nansen" brand-a particularly bracing variety, imported direct from the Arctic regions. The last-named may be utilised with great advantage in the bedrooms of rich, elderly relatives of asthmatic tendencies, and our bottled Malarial Vapour (from the West Coast of Africa) is often used by lovers seeking to dispose of an inconvenient rival.

It is scarcely necessary to point out how suitable a case or two of selected atmospheres is for a present, especially when the recipient is abroad. For this purpose we confidently recommend our double-distilled Fog (London Particular). The unhappy exile from England will indeed be delighted with such a gift, for immediately he opens the bottle (which he will believe, from its appearance, to contain champagne) his house in the Riviera or his log-cabin in America will at once be filled with the orangecoloured, pungent atmosphere of the London fog which he has

VOL. CXII.

No class of the public values our system more than the artists, poets, writers of time-tables, and others whose work is mainly the product of their imaginations, which may be agreeably stimulated by our Bottled Atmospheres. For instance, the poet who lives in London, and desires to write an Ode to Summer on a cold winter's day, can be supplied with a bottle of air collected on a Devonshire farm in June, which (even if it gives him hayfever) cannot fail to place him thoroughly en rapport with his theme. Similarly, the novelist who has never been out of England, but prefers, in deference to public taste, to make Africa the scene of his story, will succeed far more easily when he has emptied a bottle of our very Old Sahara in his study. We also are prepared to supply theatrical managers on special terms with atmospheres from any part of the world, whereby the scenic illusion will be very much enhanced.

For further particulars we beg to refer you to our price-list. All atmospheres are most carefully bottled and packed, so that a repetition of the recent accident (when a bottle of Double Arctic burst in a train and froze the guard to death) is now quite impossible.

Confidently awaiting your orders, which shall receive our most prompt and careful attention, Your obedient servants,

Sort o' super, I s'pose, standin' by with a flag,
And a-quizzin' the "Stars" who 're all straddle and brag,
And cop all the coin and the kudos. P'r'aps so!
Lookers-on do see most of the gyme, dontcherknow.
When you 're plying your part, with the foot-lights a-flare,
With daubed cheeks, toppin' togs and some other cove's hair
Frizzled up on your tibby, you're tempted, I s'pose,
To tyke yerself serous. A cockney's flat nose
Ruddled out to a Roman's with grease, paint and stuff
Mykes him feel like a swell though he may be a muff.
I ain't got no properties, bar a white 'at
Now and then in the summer, and shabby at that,
And my hair is my own, what there is of it left;
But at sizing things up, and a-tyking the heft
Of padded-out parties 'arf sordust and wool,
Well, I've larned a good bit as they don't teach at school.
The street 'as bin my only 'Varsity! Yus;
And for warming yer wits like there's many a wuss.
What we do larn we know, and don't heasy forget;
Worked-out wisdom, washed down with a tankard o' wet,
And knowledge druv in like a nyle in a post,
By necessity's 'ammer's a fixture-with most.
Our "coach" is the grinstone, and if we don't "cram
Like a goose, but feed heasy at large, like a lamb
In the still grassy springtime, I hold, Mister Punch,
Hasty stodge ain't a patch on deliberate munch.
Grub rushed is grub spiled! Rylewy trav'llers know that.
But the quill-driving lot don't know what they are at.
When they trot aout "The Man in the Street." Jimney whiz!
He must back their hideas, wich is mighty good biz
For their side or their argyment, better or wuss,
But for wich, very likely, he don't care a cuss!
I 'ave my own knowledge, likeways my own views,
But a lot of the truck that they call "Art," and "news,"
I call tommy-rot and stale fourpenny! Great Scott,
I'm as ignerent as dirt of a thunderin' lot
Of their patter and pickters. Dunno what they mean,
And what's more I don't want to! The guffins are green
Who farcy I studdy aout all sorts o' stodge,
Abaout furrin flamfudge and perlitikle dodge,
'Igh Art and Harmenians, Rooshian and Greek,
Them two bloomin' mystries the Turk and "teckneek,"
That bimetal fake, or why PAT is so queer
That he won't dodge the taxes by stickin' to beer!
They don't know me, pussonal, Punch, that is plain;
So I drop you a line, and may do so again;
For you'll have the savvy to know when you meet
That much-talked-of party

Yet

INTENTIONS OF THE GREAT POWERS. THE usually tranquil capital of peaceful Belgium is in the throes of a revolution. By some extraordinary censorship the news has hitherto been kept from the English newspapers. The Daily Chronicle has not been aroused to fiery denunciation; even M. DE BLOWITZ has remained silent. the fact cannot be denied. Our Extra Special Correspondent, sent regardless of expense (since he paid it himself) communicates to us the following exclusive and astounding information by special postcard. We think that even any one as parsimonious as he might have run to a 24d. letter, as, by some treachery, the exclusive information on his post-card might have reached the Times or the Daily Chronicle. Happily it did not, and this morning we alone give to an astonished world the first description of the Barricades of Brussels. These are his words:

This city is in a condition of terrible disorder. The Place Royale is occupied by barricades and trenches, the Avenue Louise, once the fashionable route to the Bois de la Cambre, is impassable, and even in front of the King's Palace all is in confusion. The trenches are occupied by determined men of the lowest classes, armed with rough weapons, pick-axes, even

AN ADMONITION.

nating outrage took place yesterday in broad daylight, as I was peacefully crossing the Place Royale to reach my hotel. The barricade was formed by an omnibus and by a dog-cart (drawn by dogs) meeting on the narrow bridge over the trenches. I displayed a copy of the last issue of this journal, but without effect. I, your Extra Special Correspondent, was stopped! I can write no more, partly because there is no more room on this post-card. Up to the present time I have heard nothing of combined action on the part of the Great Powers.

Later-by supplementary special post-card. I forgot to say the trenches are for the subterranean electric mechanism of the Brussels tramways. The situation remains unchanged. In the intervals of working, between the hours of repose, three or four men are going on slowly. It is hoped that order will be re-established before the end of the century.

Prince B-SM-ROK burger Nachrichten.

inspiring the Ham

Lord S-L-SB-RY-wishing Crete was at the bottom of the sea.

The P-t L-r-te-working night and day over his forthcoming Diamond Jubilee Ode. Mr. WH-STL-R-the gentle art of appearing in a witness-box.

C-RB-TT-wishing he had never been born, now that the cinematographs of the great fight have proved a failure. FR-G-LI-imitating B-NDI. B-NDI-imitating FR-G-LI.

Shopkeepers along the line of route of the Procession-waiting for the Americans, and rubbing their hands.

Mr. and Mrs. BR-DL-Y-M-RT-N-travelling incognito.

The L-RD CH-MB-RL-N-arranging the Tables of Precedence for June 22nd.

The Leading Members of the Profession -waiting for baronetcies on that occasion, and

Provincial mayors, popular authors, common councilmen, chairmen of railway companies, recorders, brewers, stock-jobbers, Mr. RH-D-S-facing the music. wine merchants, mine-owners, and nearly Mr. L-B-OH-RE-putting his tongue in his everybody else expecting knighthoods at cheek.

least.

THE SINEWS OF WAR AT A DISCOUNT. SCENE-An Audience Chamber in Constantinople. Autocrat and his Minister discovered in consultation.

Autocrat (imperatively). We must send the cavalry to the front at once!

Minister. Impossible, your Majesty. We haven't a single reliable saddle in the place.

Autocrat (with determination). Then move up the artillery with the least possible delay.

Minister. Out of the question! All the wheels of the guns are out of repair, and we can't purchase new ones.

Autocrat (authoritatively). Then let the infantry advance at the double.

Minister. Not to be thought of, your Majesty! They have no boots, are months in arrear with their pay, and won't march a step, and, frankly, we haven't the money for their railway fares. Autocrat (in a plaintive tone). Then what can we afford ? Minister (after reflection). Well, Sire, I think we might manage to squeeze out of the Treasury enough to buy a rocket, two squibs, and a catherine wheel. [Curtain.

A REAL GOOD TIME!

(An American Girl's Anticipation of the Jubilee Year.)

["A Titled Lady' advertises in the Times that she would chaperon and introduce a young lady into the very highest Society.'... 'American and Colonial girls wishing to have a good season in town are invited to communicate.'"-Westminster Gazette.]

Snakes!!! "Lady of Title," what, solid requital,

In dollars and cents, Marm,

Will you be requiring for labour so tiring?

Do tell! You're immense, Marm!!!

I've travelled, with Poppa, from Paris to Joppa,

But, just for variety,

Should like introduction, 'neath "Titled" conduction, To "highest Society."

Of course you're a Duchess! I wonder how much is

A Duchess's tariff

Sculptor. "YoU PAINTER CHAPS HAVE ALL THE LUCK; NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU PAINT, YOUR PICTURES ALWAYS LOOK BETTER AFTER A FEW YEARS. Now TIME NEVER IMPROVES OUR THINGS!" Painter. "WELL, NO, UNLESS-PERHAPS IT KNOCKS OFF A HEAD OR AN ARM!"

"THE CANDID FRIEND'S GUIDE."

THE courtesy of the learned author has enabled us to obtain a brief glance at the proof sheets of this interesting work. The author begins his labours, as all good authors ought to do, with a great pretace, in which he is at much pains to trace the Rise, Origin, and Progress of the Candid Friend.

Perhaps, however, the most interesting, and, from a metaphysical point of view, valuable, portion of the Guide is the admirable collection of maxims, for the use of those who aspire to become Candid Friends, with which our author terminates his learned labours. We have space, and the author's permission, to reproduce one or two of them.

Under the head of "Friends in Difficulties" we find the following judicious maxim. "Never encourage a friend in difficulty to believe for an instant that you have either the power or the inclination to assist him, for if you do you will certainly ruin him, and you, on your part, will forfeit all claim to the title of Candid Friend. On the other hand, do not neglect the excellent opportunity provided you by his misfortune to rebuke him severely on the subject of his extravagance, rashness, want of principle, or whatever the particular indiscretion may be that has caused him to seek your assistance. Under no circumstances whatever lend him any money."

stances is, to 'cut' them."