Ex. 210.

Logic; or, the Biter Bit.

An Eton stripling, training for the law,
A dunce at syntax, but a dab at taw,
One happy Christmas, laid upon the shelf
His cap and gown, and stores of learned pelf,
With all the deathless bards of Greece and Rome,
To spend a fortnight at his uncle's home.

Arrived, and passed the usual 'How-d'ye-do's,'

Inquiries of old friends, and college news:

'Well, Tom-the road-what saw you worth discerning ?

And how goes study?-What is't you're learning?'

'Oh! logic, air; but not the shallow rules

Of Locke and Bacon, antiquated fools!

'Tis wit, and wrangler's logic; thus, d'ye see,

I'll prove at once, as plain as A, B, C,

That an eel pie's a pigeon: To deny it,

Would be to say black's white!'- Come, Tom, let's try it.'

6 An eel-pie is a pie of fish!' Agreed.'

Fish-pie may be a Jack-pie!' Well, proceed.'

A Jack-pie is a John-pie: and 'tis done;

For every John-pie must be a pie-John!-(pigeon.)
'Bravo! Sir Peter cries, 'logic for ever!

That beats my grandmother, and she was clever!
But hold, my boy, it surely would be hard,
That wit and learning should have no reward;
To-morrow, for a stroll, the park we'll cross,

And there I'll give thee "What?'-'A chesnut horse!' 'A horse?' (cries Tom) 'bravo! Since that the case is, Oh! what a dash I'll cut at Epsom races!'

To bed he went, and wept for downright sorrow,
That night must go before he'd see the morrow;
Dreamt of his boots, and spurs, and leather breeches,
Hunting of cats, and leaping rails and ditches,
Left his warm rest an hour before the lark,
Dragged his old uncle, fasting, to the park.
Halter in hand, each vale he scoured; at loss
To spy a something like a chesnut horse:
But no such animal the meadows cropped.
At length, beneath a tree Sir Peter stopped,
A branch he caught, then shook it, and down fell

A fine horse-chesnut, in its prickly shell.

'There, Tom, take that.' 'Well, sir, and what beside?' Why, since you're booted, saddle it and ride.'

'Ride what?-a chesnut?' 'Aye, come get across; I tell you, Tom, that chesnut is a horse,

And all the horse you'll get; for I can show,
As clear as sunshine, that 'tis really so;
Not by the musty fusty worn-out rules
Of Locke and Bacon-antiquated fools!
Nor by old Aristotle's guide to knowledge,
But by the laws of wit and Eton college;
All axioms but the wranglers' I'll disown,
And stick to one sound argument-your own;
Thus, then, you proved-your proof I don't deny,—
That a pie-John's the same as a John-pie;

What follows thence? but, as a thing of course,
That a horse-chesnut is a chesnut-horse.'

Anon.

Ex. 211.

The Doctor and his Apprentice.

A pupil of the Esculapian school

Was just prepared to quit his master's rule:
Not that he knew his trade, as it appears,
But that he then had learnt it seven years.

Yet think not that in knowledge he was cheated—
All that he had to study still,

Was, when a man was well or ill,
And how, if sick, he should be treated.

One morn, he thus addressed his master :
'Dear sir, my honoured father bids me say,
If I could now and then a visit pay,

He thinks with you,

To notice how you do,

My business I might learn a little faster.'
'The thought is happy,' the preceptor cries;
" A better method he could scarce devise ;
So Bob' (his pupil's name) 'it shall be so,
And when I next pay visits, you shall go.'

To bring that hour, alas! time briskly fled;
With dire intent,

Away they went,

And now behold them at a patient's bed.

The master-doctor solemnly perused

His victim's face, and o'er his symptoms mused;
Looked wise, said nothing-an unerring way,

When people nothing have to say:

Then felt his pulse and smelt his cane,

And paused, and blinked, and smelt again,

And briefly of his corps performed each motion;
Manoeuvres that for Death's platoon are meant ;
A kind of a Make-ready and present!

Before the fell discharge of pill and potion.
At length the patient's wife he thus addressed:
'Madame, your husband's danger's great,
And (what will never his complaint abate)
The man's been eating oysters, I perceive.'
Dear! you're a witch, I verily believe,'
Madame replied, and to the truth confessed.
Skill so prodigious Bobby too admired,
And home returning of the sage inquired,
How these same oysters came into his head?
'Psha! my dear Bob, the thing was plain-
Sure that can ne'er distress thy brain,

I saw the shells lie underneath the bed.'

So wise by such a lesson grown,

Next day Bob ventured forth alone,

And to the self-same sufferer paid his court-
But soon, with haste and wonder out of breath,
Returned the stripling minister of Death,

And to his master made this dread report:
'Why, sir, we ne'er can keep that patient under,
Zounds! such a maw I never came across !
The fellow must be dying, and no wonder,
For hang me if he hasn't eat a horse !'
'A horse!' the elder man of physic cried,
As if he meant his pupil to deride-
'How came so wild a notion in your head?'
How! think not in my duty I was idle,
Like
you, I took a peep beneath the bed,
And there I saw a saddle and a bridle.'

Anon.

Ex. 212.

Hodge and the Vicar.

Hodge, a poor honest country lout,
Not over-stocked with learning,
Chanced on a summer's eve to meet
The vicar, home returning.
'Ah! master Hodge,' the vicar cried,
" What, still as wise as ever?
The people in the village say
That you are wondrous clever.'

"Why, measter parson, as to that I beg you'll right conceive me ; I do na brag, but yet I know

A thing or two, believe me.'

'We'll try your skill,' the parson cried,
'For learning what digestion ;
And this you'll prove or right or wrong,
By solving me a question.

'Noah, of old, three babies had

Or grown-up children rather,

Shem, Ham, and Japhet they were called:
Now who was Japhet's father?'

'Rat it!' cried Hodge, and scratched his head, 'That does my wits belabour;

But howsomede'er, I'll homeward run,
And ax old Giles, my neighbour.'

To Giles he went and put the case,
With circumspect intention;

'Thou fool,' cried Giles, 'I'll make it clear
To thy dull comprehension.

'Three children has Tom Long, the smith,

Or cattle-doctor rather;

Tom, Dick, and Harry they are called;
Now who is Harry's father?'

'Adzooks, I have it,' Hodge replied,
'Right well I know your lingo;
Who's Harry's father ?-stop-here goes-
Why Tom Long Smith, by jingo.'

Away he ran to find the priest,

With all his might and main ;

Who with good humour instant put

The question once again.

'Noah, of old, three babies had,

Or grown-up children rather ;

Shem, Ham, and Japhet they were called:
Now who was Japhet's father?'

'I have it now,' Hodge grinning cried,
'I'll answer like a proctor;

Who's Japhet's father? Now I know
Why, Long Tom Smith the doctor.'

Y

Anon.

Ex. 213.

The Farmer and the Counsellor.
A counsel in the Common Pleas,'
Who was esteemed a mighty wit,
Upon the strength of a chance hit,
Amid a thousand flippancies,
And his occasional bad jokes,

In bullying, bantering, browbeating,
Ridiculing, and maltreating
Women, or other timid folks;
In a late cause, resolved to hoax
A clownish, Yorkshire farmer-one
Who, by his uncouth look and gait,
Appeared expressly meant by fate
For being quizzed and played upon.
So having tipped the wink to those
In the back rows,

Who kept their laughter bottled down,
Until our wag should draw the cork-
He smiled jocosely on the clown,

And went to work.

'Well, Farmer Numskull, how go calves at York?' 'Why not, sir, as they do wi'

But on four legs instead of two."

'Officer!' cried the legal elf,

you;

Piqued at the laugh against himself,

'Do pray keep silence down below there!

Now look at me, clown, and attend,

Have I not seen you somewhere, friend?'

Yees, very like, I often go there.'

'Our rustic waggish is, and quite laconic,'
(The counsel cried with grin sardonic),
'I wish I had known this prodigy,
This genius of the clods, when I

On circuit was at York residing.
Now, farmer, do for once speak true,
Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you
Who doubtless think yourself so clever,
Are there as many fools as ever

In the West Riding?'

Why no, sir, no! we've got our share,
But not so many as when you were there.'

Horace Smith.